Corners

And at some point,

Everything needs to be left alone
even your past, even your pain

á

I’m awaken at 2am by my cell. It can only be one of two people calling and before I lift my phone, I already know which one it is… “Hello, sorry to wake you, this is Lisa, Nurse from…” 🤦🏾‍♀️ My heart sinks into my chest a little further as I listen, sleepily but awake. I hang up, let my phone slide out of my hand and I close my eyes to pray. This is routine. And I hate it. I hate these phone calls. I hate getting these phone calls and being alone. After I pray, my thoughts wander into those dark corners of my mind.

I try to wake up everyday thankful for the ability to see another day regardless of how I think and feel the day is going to go. This is like a ritual for me… No matter how fucked up my life is, I try to be thankful anyways for the good things…my kids and one more day above ground with them.

Lately I’ve felt like utter shit. Physically, emotionally and mentally. I’ve lost 30lbs, I can’t eat or sleep and I feel like I’m bothering everyone around me so I crawl into my shell to protect me from everything and everyone. Daily I crawl out of bed, walk upstairs to work, crawl back in bed when I’m done. Rinse, spin, repeat. I can’t pinpoint exactly what has me in such a dark place but I think it’s a combination of all my life stress, feeling alone and the holidays. I feel like shit…

I had never been one to contemplate suicide. I lost close family and friends to suicide and I’ve always wondered why they felt compelled to take their own life. Until the day I felt the urge to do the same. I tried to end it all. I chased hydrocodones with liquor and I smoked. I put on the cutest outfit and I laid on my bed. My kids weren’t home and I was more alone than ever. Not one text, not one phone call. Everyone was busy enjoying family and the company of others and I was just here. Why? Why should I continue to want to be here? For my kids? They have more than one parent and for some reason everyone seems to think I’m the better suited parent while their Father floats in and out of their life when it’s convenient for him. I’m tired. No one knows my pain. No one knows the shit I’ve been through in life. No one understands why I try my hardest to make everyone else smile.

I felt myself drifting away and so I cried silently. I didn’t want to wake up. I wanted it to all be over, so that I was completely alone and away from everyone and everything. I’ll never be loved, I will never truly be happy, everyday presents a new problem for me and I’m just here unhappy and occupying space. No father, essentially no mother…just me.

The music woke me up. Surely this wasn’t the elevator music on the way to Hell…I rolled over and cried at my failed attempt. And I cried until my face hurt and I could no longer breathe out of my nose. I yelled in my pillow. And then I rolled over and stared at the ceiling. I’m a real fucked up individual…and I’m tired. There is so much hurt and pain inside me and I just want it to go away…

I don’t think I left the bed at all. And the bed has been my safe space. Even though I’m alone, I can bury myself in here. I can cry, kick and scream. I never wanted to be “that girl” and I said I’d never be that girl but here I am. 🤷🏾‍♀️

Depression is lonely and frustrating and mostly just fucking exhausting.

Midnight Thoughts