Naked Truth

If I ever say there’s nothing on my mind, I’m lying. And those that really know me, know this. This general motor of mine is always running whether I want it to or not. I was just sitting here pondering everything and nothing all at once. Overwhelming myself for absolutely nothing. Pure stupidity.

I really dislike my mind lol. Thinking of all the unfinished projects I have lying around. The current state of the house and the plan needed to get it together. My daily routine that has disintegrated. The idea of my children growing up and thoughts of me growing old all flood my mind at once. And this is during times when I’m trying to have a conversation with others. It’s draining.

And then I have questions. When did I completely stop exercising? When did I become so comfortable with being alone? When did I become so emotional? Am I really going to be ok? When did I become so impatient? Ok I’ve always been impatient.

I need help. Now that’s something you don’t hear often from me. I’m currently so far inside my head and it’s maze of never ending stories, scenarios and thoughts that I can’t get out. Alice in Wonderland is the best way I can describe it. I’ve sat with myself in silence for so long that I’ve fallen so far in my mind that I don’t see a way out.

And let me tell you, I’m fighting to get the hell out because I need to grieve the losses I have yet to fully process and accept, and I need to parent my daughter through her teenage years because times are different, and I need to love on my son because young black men are dying at an alarming rate. And I need to let this wonderful man love me.

I’m so damaged that even what I know to be true, I still question. I love this man so much. And today I realized while sitting with my sea of thoughts that he does indeed love me more than I love him. Shit. He loves me more than I love me.

So no matter what it takes, I’m going to dig my way out of my mind because I’m not the luckiest person in the world…but somehow I managed to find my person. Someone who loves me when I’m nice and when I’m not. Someone who cares about what’s on my mind. Someone willing to do all the weird things and go to all the crazy places with me. Someone who protects me and makes me feel safe. Someone I’m willing to trust. He’s the man that I created in my mind. And I’m out here fucking up…I’m going to do better, promise.

Naked Truth: I’m an adult trying to unlearn toxic behaviors that I adapted as coping mechanisms

Mental Dump: Breakfast

Sleeplessly I woke before my alarm. I laid in the dark staring at the ceiling. My mental voice did its usual…stretched and took off. Everything that I didn’t do yesterday cluttered my mind, thoughts of me being a failure because why didn’t I make time for these items yesterday. Then it changed gears and there was a reminder to call and check on my Mom…a wave of sadness hits me and the cloud of thoughts dissipate. I am reminded by the memorial blanket on my resting chair that I cannot call to check on her. Attempting to shake off this never ending nightmare, I shimmy to the edge of the bed wiping away the tears that escaped my eyes so that I can see clear enough to stand.

I stretch. I think I should log into my yoga class but opted to skip. I reach my arms as high as I can above my head. Then I bend over stretching my fingertips to touch my toes…my stomach is in the way. We are here again, ugh. I walk into the bathroom closet to locate my “ghostbusters” workout suit. My mindset is start today or I won’t start at all. Looking in the closet I’m reminded that no matter how many times I clean this closet it returns to its natural state of messy and disorganization.

I get myself ready, get the kids up and make sure the little one is dressed properly. He’s getting better with picking out his clothes and getting dressed alone. I realize that I coddle my kids quite a bit because I feel like I missed so much of their younger years. I worked so much and was often times gone from home weeks at a time. I know they have to grow up and I will back up one day but today…nope. I hug, kiss and tickle them. A child shouldn’t start their day with their parents yelling, screaming and fussing. Home should be the safest place in the world and your parents should be your safe people. I’m parenting by trial and error here. I didn’t get the manual and I’m doing the best I can to avoid my children being the somewhat fucked up adult that I am.

I get breakfast ready for the little one and head to my fur son. It’s his birthday today! Party later but at the moment I have to get Mr. Man to school and then drop off Ms. Ma’am. As I drive off from the school I think about treating myself to breakfast. I’m dressed to workout but I’m going to eat…this is sad lol

It’s Wellness Wednesday so I’m going to treat myself to a “therapeutic breakfast”. 😁

The first place that cross my mind when it comes to breakfast is the coolest little Amish Kitchen in the country. So I drive 25 min to get the best breakfast that I’ve had outside of my Grandmother’s kitchen. Noticing the trees, leaves and crops on the way before my mind hits turbo. I don’t want to ruin my morning so I turn up the music and crack the windows to drown out my thoughts. It’s going to be a good day because I said so. Quieting the noise for a moment of peace seemed ok.

Heaven on a plate: Garden omelet with Dutch potatoes and French Toast with Butter syrup

SunDate: Kitty Hawk

Attempting to resume normal activities, I awoke early this morning with the idea to go on a SunDate. WheneverI have to travel, my first thought is Simba…how long will I be gone?…who can check on him?…should I take him? Can I take him?

The last question has always ended up as a “No”. Today I opted to bring him along. He was so excited yesterday when I told him he’d go on a road trip and then I left him…

I know…bad pet Mom…breaking promises…

Well yesterday I was close to the mountains so today I opted for the latter…and made my way to the beach…

Before making the decision to bring Simba, I was going to bring canvas and paint markers to finish a piece and start another…bringing him meant he’d need all my attention since this was his first car ride this long and to the beach.

Was I really going to do this? Sundays are for self care lol. Fuck it…come on S. Leon, let’s go.

He watched me pack up the car and lock up the house before hopping in the backseat and sitting quietly as if I’d forget his 88lb ass was sitting behind me lol

We started with a quick stop to get some treats and a small bag of dog food. Then gassed up, got some breakfast and got on the road.

An hour into the ride, I couldn’t breathe. Small disclaimer…somewhere along owning Simba, I developed an allergy of some sort. But I can’t bring myself to get rid of my him. I’ve rearranged where he sleeps and all just so I can keep him. It’s not official but he is definitely my emotional support pup. I’m ever so grateful he cannot talk…he knows all of my business…I tell him everything. Poor pup, he probably needs therapy.

Well we made our way to Kitty Hawk. I’d never been to the beach here and he’d never been to the beach period so I figured it would be special to share a first with him.

Traveling to the beach was easy, he put his head out the window and took a nap or five until we made it. Once he got out of the car he stretched, smiled and jumped on me for a hug then we were ready to get our feet in the sand. The beach wasn’t too populated today so finding a nice spot was effortless. I set up our area and he just took in the change in scenery for a while. Everything was going great until a group of people came and set up camp right next to us with a puppy.

Simba’s 1st Beach Trip

Simba is also quiet antisocial. He doesn’t really have dog friends other than Shortbread. He’s just like his Mom lol.

The puppy caused such chaos. I wanted to pack up and leave but I took the opportunity to show Simba he can coexist with other people and animals away from home. To get him to calm down, I had to pat his butt and repeat “sit” until he sat down, and then I had to rub his big body until he stopped shaking. This was going to be a long day…but we got this.

After about 3 more of those episodes where he almost took down our cabana, walked all over me and even once jumped in my lap, we were able to lay in the sun and just chill. The introduction to the ocean would come before we left.

Overall he did well on his first beach trip. Enjoying chicken meatballs and water, playing with his rope and putting sand all over me.

We managed to almost make it off the beach without being approached by any strangers!!! I was impressed. I began to think I need to bring Simba out more often, he’s my people shield lol.

He slept most of the way home before sticking his entire head out of the window to do real boy dog shit. We ended our adventurous day at Sonic Drive-Thru where we learned they to have pup cups!

This guy had the day of his life and it’s not even his birthday yet lol. I too enjoyed my crazy fur son and our QT. I can’t speak dog but I hope he knows I love and adore him and was glad to have him tag along on my SunDate.

Allow Me To Reintroduce Myself

Have you missed me???

It’s been about 2 months since my last blog post. And if I can be honest…I have actually missed writing (typing). However, trying to get back into the groove has been a little hard after not doing it for such a while. I’ve struggled to come up with a blog topic since I announced that I was back. So please bear with me while I get back into the swing of things.

Why did i take a break?

Life. Simply put I got distracted by a whole lot.

what happened during my break?

I took a couple of trips in and out of state. My parallel sibling deployed across the country. I started “Sundates”. I dropped my trash Internet service provider for T-Mobile Home Internet. My daughter graduated from Elementary School and returned to in-person instruction after being home for 2 years. I finally got my old HVAC unit out of my house and to the curb by myself. (I cursed the company that installed my new unit for having poor customer service and being unreliable assholes) I experienced a relationship hiccup. My daughter had a birthday. I discovered a great vegan restaurant during one of my conquests. I purchased paint markers and changed my life artistically. I finally got my hands on some Krispy Kreme Cinnamon rolls (they were so overrated). I managed to fit into my bridesmaid dress for my cousins wedding (I ceased all physical activity during my hiatus as well). I accumulated a garage full of pallets, thanks to my best friend for a project. Those pallets are still in tact in my garage. I interacted with my family for the first time since my Mother passed away. I’ve painted quite a bit, written absolutely nothing. My house locked me outside. I downsized my already microscopic circle. My oldest started middle school and my youngest started Kindergarten. I found out that my daughter’s vision was jacked and she had to get glasses. My son dislikes school and wants to stay home.

what’s next?

Well, I plan to not take another unannounced hiatus this year. And since I am an avid procrastinator, for accountability purposes I’m recording my blogging goals here.

  1. I plan to document my traveling journeys. I would love to document and share the details of our trips with pictures and links to must see attractions.
  2. I think I’m finally ready to release my first book for presale…(not really sure about this one). Sneak peak will be released here first!
  3. I love writing, and I’m really trying to get back to doing more of the things I love. Now that the kids are back in school, I will create a consistent blogging schedule.

I’ve missed my WordPress notifications so stay tuned…I’m glad to be back in my blogging element again.