~California Dreamer~

Finding Peace At Forty

At the cusp of four decades, a profound shift has taken hold, beckoning me to reassess my life again and seek solace amidst the whirlwind of my existence.

Finding peace at forty was a journey of introspection, acceptance, and a graceful surrender to the ebb and flow of my human experience. It was a time to completely shed societal expectations, embrace my wonderful uniqueness, and forge my own path toward contentment.

A solo birthday trip taught me that cultivating self-awareness, practicing mindfulness, and fostering meaningful connections, is what unlocks the elusive tranquility I crave. It required a gentle release of the relentless pursuit of perfection, a compassionate acknowledgment of my imperfections, and a deep appreciation for the beauty of the present moment.

I learned that finding peace at forty was not a destination but rather an ongoing process, a continuous exploration of my inner landscape, leading me to a place of serenity and fulfillment.

Here Above I Stand

Time spent above ground is precious.

From the bonds and relationships you’re able to form. To the places you’re able to go. Even the things you’re able to see and experience, they can be priceless.

I don’t want to spend another day upset over frivolous things when I am blessed with the breath to do and be great.

Take actionable steps to have a meaningful and enjoyable life. Don’t just talk and dream about it. Anything you put your mind to is possible.

15 years ago today, my Father left me for good. Not like I use to tell people when he disappear for months, years. And today I’m finally at peace with not having him around in life and mourning what I felt like should have been a good relationship between us.

I never got that love from my Father that most girls get and I’m certain it has affected me in ways some may not imagine. I’ll never have the pleasure of being walked down the isle by my Father. He’ll never meet his grandchildren. Father’s Day presents will never don his name. We only sat down and ate one meal together in my life and we’ll never do it again.

I’m just an emotional, premature menopausal young woman lacking my points of origin (parents), trying not to give up on this wonderful thing called life.

Help

In an effort to take care of myself I got back into therapy after being noncompliant for over 2 years. In addition to me being noncompliant the availability of providers has been slim to none.

Nonetheless, I logged off from work, messaged my team that I was leaving my desk and that I’d be right back. I never thought I’d be sending someone a message to let them know I was on my way to the hospital.

I drove across town to my appointment only to be told my appointment was canceled. I didn’t care about the reason, I needed to be seen. To be heard. I can tell they were very familiar with crisis situations because when I lost it on the receptionist, the nurse instantly told me to take a deep breath but it was too late. This was the breaking point that Robin was talking about. I had met it. After closing my eyes and slightly yelling through my teeth, I took a deep breath and apologized to the ladies.

This next part is the part that scared me. I walked to my car. Before I got in, I threw my purse clean across the car. I got in, put my keys in the ignition and just sat there. Instantly all the feelings of the last 3.5 years hit me. I screamed, I had a full blown adult tantrum. I took some deep breaths and couldn’t get it together. For the third time in my life I decided to lean on the people who “got” me. One of my best friends was first because she’s in close proximity. She couldn’t answer. I moved down my list. Called my Brother. Texted. Facetimed. No one answered. I threw all my devices. Here I am, experiencing what I’d later find out was a mental breakdown and I had no one that could take a moment and answer to just show me they cared or that I mattered.

My next thought was to call my other half but lately when I try to express how I’m feeling, it ends in an argument and that in itself is triggering and I didn’t want to be blamed again for having feelings and stepping outside my box and sharing said feelings. In the midst of the chaos I grabbed my phone to call my Mom. And when it hit me that she was no longer here, I really lost it.

Anytime I ever called her, day or night, she answered and she listened. Without judgement. Without being a Mom and wanting to offer advice. I always told her she was so easy to talk to. But here I am breaking the fuck down and she’s not here. And to top it off heaven doesn’t have a phone. (Who built this place with no telecommunication? Doesn’t God know I NEED my Mother?) I instantly cycled through grief a million times at warp speed. Squeezing my eyes so tight because I kept seeing flashes of images and inaudible motion pictures of times I spent with my Mom, both my Grandfather’s, my Great Grandmas, My Great Grandfather, my Grandmother and then my Father. I have not sat down and just dealt with the fact that I cared for each and every one of those people and they are no longer here with me. Then thoughts of work and all I have to do flooded my thoughts. Things I wanted to do but couldn’t. People I wish I had but don’t.

I tried to dismantle the dashboard of my car. I felt alone in a world full of people. Here I am a woman with no source, no point of origin, just losing my shit second after minute. Home was not on my mind, I needed some immediate help. So once I could stop crying enough to drive, I made my way to the hospital. Yes, I. Needed. Help.

I walked into the hospital, I’m sure dishelved as ever with tears rolling down my face, hyperventilating and wheezing. I didn’t care who saw me. I didn’t care what anyone thought. I was actively losing my shit. And all by myself. The insurmountable thoughts that were swirling in my head were alarming. The lady at the information desk quietly walked me back to the mental health clinic. The receptionist that I usually laugh and joke with, looked concerned, she whispered to me to have a seat and she’d get someone out ASAP. As I sat in the corner my entire body tingled and trembled, and I just rocked back and forth sobbing like someone close to me had died all over again.

I felt like I had hit rock bottom. The nurse came to get me and as soon as she got me in her office, she asked if she could give me a hug. And this young lady hugged me like she was trying to absorb all the hurt, pain and anxiety I was experiencing. She patiently completed her assessment as I struggled to answer simple questions. And soon my PAC team was outside the door to “retrieve” me. They were ready to hospitalize me. And for once in my life, I was ready to go until a blink showed me a flash of my chocolate baby smiling. I cannot leave my kids, I have to get them from school. I left my PuppyBaby in my office and my FurSon was outside. My bonus son was starting basketball today and he was excited. “I can’t go, I gotta go home.”

I’m still worrying about everyone else except myself. And why? Because today I was shown don’t nobody got me like I got me. When everyone else disappoints me, I pick me up. When I’m downtrodden, I positively self talk bc who else has the time. I gotta care about me more than the people I care about. I have to prioritize my health before I crash out. Because my kids only have me…and I know the pain that comes with losing your Mother and I don’t want them to experience that any time soon.

Life didn’t stop. The world and the people in it still kept going. But if you or someone you know has PTSD, please try to understand what they are living with. Be supportive. The smallest compassionate gesture goes a long way. To all my veterans and grief stricken adults, it’s ok to not be ok and ask for help. I just pray that your help always comes or answers when you call.

If you’re struggling, it’s okay to share your feelings. Please reach out to someone. 988 Lifeline Chat and Text is a service of the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (formerly known as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline), connecting individuals with crisis counselors for emotional support and other services via web chat or texting 988.

Uncovering the Unseen

I woke up at 5:30am in the best mood despite my head throbbing from last night. Without washing my face or brushing my teeth, I crawled out of bed. I picked up my fur therapist and told him “Good Morning” with my amazing breath. Collected my thoughts, adjusted my eyes to the darkness and exited the bedroom to head to my office…upstairs. I’m back in “secure the bags” mode and for those who know me, knows that it gets real serious when I’m in this space.

So, I log in, get my ambiance together in my office and start working. I’m in the zone, trying to meet my productivity goal early because it’s Veteran’s Day. And although I haven’t participated in a few years, today I wanted to attempt to reap the benefits of having served in the Armed Forces.

I go to set my alarm, because I have to clock in and out for one job and I’m terrible at it because I’ve been an exempt employee for 10+ years. But I make it work. As I go into the screen to set the alarm, I’m presented with a tip. You know, those wonderful tidbits that encourage you to use your expensive mobile device for something other than making videos, texting and chatting.

Had both my parents been alive (not even well, just alive!), this wouldn’t have prompted the extremely ugly sob session that I endured. But let me tell you…

Immediately I text one of my best friends because if I don’t, it stays on my mind all day and it puts me in a place I don’t like to be. I’m sure she gets tired of me but she gets what I’m going through. She doesn’t feed me the normal, “it’s going to be ok”, “this too shall pass” or “I’m sorry”. She tells me honestly that this shit sucks, some days are better than others and it’s ok that I have these feelings and moments. She shares her experiences and memories with me and I feel understood. I feel heard. She doesn’t make me feel stupid for how I feel or discredits my feelings. And she doesn’t spew the “you’re strong speech”. I hope she knows I appreciate her a lot. Grief is a hard road to navigate and it requires special people in your corner to help you through.

I’m a parentless child. Yes, child, because even an adult is still seen as a child to their parents no matter their age. I lost my Father when I was 24 and still looking for the love I wish he had given me and that I’ll never receive this lifetime. And then I lost my Mother/Best Friend/My Everything when I was 36 and I’ll never be the same.

Simple strings of text like the one shared above can really fuck me up and put me in a terrible mood. This is my cellular device encouraging me to use one of the “neat” features on my phone. Well it just reminded me that when I need to remember a family story, I have to just ponder and that makes me extremely sad. I can’t verbally tell any of my devices to call either of my parents anymore. No 5G signal reaches them. I no longer have any voicemails thanks to the asshole that is my ex husband. I cry because I don’t think I remember my Father’s voice at all. And watching videos of me and my Mom makes me smile and cry at the same time.

Be kind. Be gentle. The world is a very angry place these days and some of us are constantly reminded that we are here alone and it sucks. Grief is a bitch.

Short Story: You’re Appreciated More Than You Know

Once upon a time in a small town, there lived a woman named Rachel. Rachel was a creative, smart and hardworking individual who always put her heart and soul into everything she did. She worked as a teacher in the local elementary school and was passionate about nurturing young minds. However, despite her best efforts, it often felt like nothing she did was good enough.

Every day, Rachel arrived at the school early, prepared engaging lessons, and poured her energy into creating a positive and inspiring learning environment for her little scholars. She stayed late grading papers, and making sure each child received personalized feedback. But no matter how much effort she put in, it seemed that her dedication and love for teaching went unnoticed.

Rachel’s colleagues, on the other hand, always seemed to receive praise and recognition. Her friend, Stephanie, who taught in the classroom next door, would frequently receive accolades from parents and administrators. It was as if Rachel’s efforts were constantly overshadowed by others, leaving her feeling unappreciated and undervalued.

As months turned into years, Rachel’s sense of frustration and self-doubt grew. She started questioning her own abilities and whether she was cut out to be a teacher. The feeling of inadequacy weighed heavy on her shoulders, and it began to affect her enthusiasm for her work. Her once-vibrant classroom now seemed dull, and the spark in her eyes had dimmed.

One evening, as Rachel sat alone in her classroom, she received an unexpected note from one of her former students. The heartfelt message expressed gratitude for all she had taught and how much of an impact she had made. It was a reminder that even though her efforts might go unnoticed by some, they were not in vain. Rachel realized that her work had touched the lives of many students, even if she didn’t always receive immediate recognition.

With newfound determination, Rachel decided to focus on the passion that had initially drawn her to teaching. She remembered the joy of seeing her students learn and grow, and she chose to persevere, not for the accolades, but for the children she cared for deeply.

Over time, Rachel’s dedication and commitment became evident to those who truly mattered—her students. They began to appreciate the hard work she put into their education, and their success became her greatest reward. Rachel learned that her value as a teacher could not be measured solely by external recognition but by the impact she had on the young lives she touched.

In the end, Rachel found solace in the knowledge that, though it might sometimes feel like nothing she did was good enough, her true worth was measured by the hearts she had nurtured and the lives she had influenced. And that, to her, was more precious than any accolade.

Friendship Assignment

Friendship is a beautiful and essential part of our lives. It’s the laughter, the shared secrets, and the support that makes life’s journey a little more manageable. I’ve always valued my friendships but even more in recent years. In every group of friends, there’s often that one person who takes the initiative to coordinate get-togethers, outings, and memorable experiences. They are the glue that keeps the social circle intact, but what happens when nobody seems to reciprocate the effort?

In my old group of friends it was I, the mastermind friend behind the memorable gatherings. I was that one person who seemed to naturally take on the role of the “memory coordinator”. I was the go-to person for planning parties, outings, and even just casual hangouts. I would invest time and effort in ensuring that everyone’s schedules aligned, creating opportunities for everyone to bond, have fun and make memories.

Being the memory coordinator certainly had its benefits. I got the satisfaction of seeing my friends come together, reconnecting, and sharing joyous moments. It was rewarding to know that I played a pivotal role in making these memories possible. However, there was also a downside to this grand role.

The sad truth is that the friend who takes on the role of memory coordinator often finds themselves in a precarious situation. I was so busy orchestrating holiday events and birthday gatherings that I neglected the big fact that if I didn’t perform in my role that I would not see my friends. This ultimately lead to feelings of loneliness and frustration.

The emotional toll of being the lonely memory coordinator was significant. It was disheartening to put in so much effort only to find that my friends were not as proactive when it came to including me in any friend gathering plans as a group or individually. Over time, feelings of resentment and isolation grew deep, and it lead to a sense of being the unappreciated friend.

Because my friends are my family I chose to address the situation. I began by intimately sharing my feelings with my friends individually. When nothing changed, I stop overextending myself and waited to see if someone else would put forth effort. In the interim, I began to focus on self-care and spending time alone doing things that brought me joy. I even considered expanding my social circle and connecting with others but realized that I had invested a lot of time in my group of friends and I did not want to open myself up to be let down again by friendly individuals. Am I wrong for treating my friendship like any other relationship?

I learned to nurture my own need for friendship by practicing self-care to alleviate the feeling of being lonely. True friendships are built on mutual effort, and my friends should be willing to make time for me, just as I have done for them. Until then, I’ll vacation quietly and celebrate silently.

Another New Downplayed Normal

It seems like just yesterday, I was a carefree and semi-balanced woman, living life without a care in the world. But now, as I navigate the treacherous journey of this next transition in life early, my emotions are sent on a rollercoaster ride like never before. Mood swings, tantrums, and tears have become my new companions. It’s been a little while, have a seat. Let me share with you my experience this far.

First, let me emphasize that these mood swings are no laughing matter. They can be incredibly unsettling and confusing, not just for me but also for those around me. It is crucial to acknowledge that these emotional fluctuations are not a reflection of my true character or intentions, but rather a result of the hormonal imbalances unleashed by this unwelcome change in my life.

One moment I may find myself overwhelmed with joy, feeling on top of the world, appreciating every small victory or cherished moment. But then, out of nowhere, a cloud of melancholy descends, casting a shadow over everything I hold dear. I can go from smiling and laughing to crying inconsolably in a matter of minutes, leaving those close to me bewildered, confused and frustrated.

What exacerbates these mood swings is the unpredictability. Despite the fact that I am unable to predict my emotional response to any given situation, I sometimes withdraw from social interactions or isolate myself in an attempt to spare others from my swirling emotions. It can be an isolating experience, and often I feel like I’m watching myself from afar, wondering if I will ever regain control. This is truly an out of body experience.

On top of the erratic emotional shifts, this transition also brings physical discomfort and sleep disturbances, which act like fuel to the fiery emotional rollercoaster. The lack of quality sleep can further intensify my mood swings, leaving me irritable and easily frustrated during the day. Simple tasks that were once manageable suddenly become insurmountable challenges, and I find myself snapping at those around me when they offer their help or make well-intentioned suggestions.

Through it all, I find myself desperately seeking solace and understanding. I want those around me to recognize that these symptoms are not deliberate acts of provocation or manipulation; they are a side effect of the monumental transition my body is going through. I crave empathy, patience, and compassion from those that I love during this trying time.

Even though menopause is a temporary phase, I am currently struggling to envision myself on the other side. So, if you encounter a woman going through menopause, please remember the turbulence she may be experiencing. Be a pillar of support, offer a listening ear without judgment, and understand that what she is going through is merely a temporary storm in an otherwise vibrant an woman’s life.