Author: ~California Dreamer~

Just an average silly, nerdy chick. That's weird in probably a million different ways, sharing my sometimes fucked up life with you. Showing others that they should enjoy life, because there's always someone in a worse situation.

Surviving to Living

After a good meditation session early this morning I no longer have the desire to be “the strong one”. I have always been the strong person. I’ve always had to be the strong child, sibling, parent and friend. As of today I no longer desire to be that person because I realize that it is unhealthy.

At almost 40 years old, I’m now understanding that being “the strong one” is not a flex and it is tiring. I really think I’m truly tired now because I have realized that I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember. I continually operate in fight or flight mode. I have been living in survival mode.

Most people don’t understand that “the strong one” carries a lot on the daily. A tremendous deal of trauma. The strength that everyone thinks is a gift, is merely a shield that is used to block people and situations from hurting us. This is definitely not something to be proud of and again in no shape or form healthy.

It is better known as a defense mechanism. If you only knew how badly I would love to just relax in a space where I am comfortable, sit down with no time constraints, and allow someone genuine to come into this space and love me unconditionally. And I’m not referring to a romantic relationship but also friends and family that WANT to occupy space with me. I want to be able to truly trust others. I want to be able to be more feminine and less masculine. Hell, I want to be able to understand and trust myself enough to know that I am allowing the right people into my space. But it is hard. I have been repeatedly hurt, used, abused, and have experienced so much trauma for so long that I didn’t know where to start.

Well my starting point is my blog post, right now, today. As of this moment I can no longer be ‘that person’ for anyone because I need to be that person for myself. I am constantly drained because I am always pouring into someone else, supporting someone else, reaching out and being there for someone else. But I don’t have enough people pouring into me. And I realize that it may not be because they don’t want to, but because they feel as though I don’t need it since I have managed to still be able to smile and exist after many losses, tests and trials in this lifetime.

I encourage anyone reading this to make a conscious effort to check on their “strong” friends, siblings, children, parents and other loved ones that are hyper independent. Reach out to those that you don’t think need you, because they are probably feeling just like me too.

Always remember, every person that comes into your life is only there for a limited time, so show up and be present. Sometimes later never comes and tomorrow is too late.

Happy Mother’s Day

Candy dish on the counter, music playing and the house is sparkling clean. She’s dressed with nowhere to go. Every Mother’s Day my Mom would say she didn’t want anything and didn’t want to go anywhere. But all year she didn’t know that I kept a running tab of things she saw on TV, things she saw in a store or on a sales flyer in her mailbox that she claimed she wanted, had to have or couldn’t live without. So gift giving was super easy. She always wanted something but didn’t need anything. This is so familiar lol.

Every Mother’s Day was at home. Never in a restaurant. Never a big party. Just us at home with music, some food, a few gifts and quality time. The food caused us to nap so it was truly an entire day spent with her.

So relaxed and chilled, I wonder if my Mother ever questioned how good of a Mother she thought she was. I wonder if she measured how good of a Mother she was based on what we did for her or what we gifted her. There was never a year she didn’t get something. Even as a struggling young adult, if I couldn’t buy her something, I made her something. And I never left out my Brother. The gift was always from us if he didn’t personally get her anything.

This morning I watched the video of my last Mother’s Day with her. May 13, 2018 we were all with her at home. I said “all” as if our family is huge. My brother, his girlfriend (at the time), my kids and I filled the living room of my Mom’s apartment. She cooked that morning and put her food up. She knew I always came with food. But she always sent me and the kids home with food too so she would cook. Seafood was her favorite. So I always made sure to get it from one of her favorite restaurants hot and fresh. She would spend the day playing with the kids, talking to my brother and I about what was going on and drank her beer. She was the coolest Mother. Never asking for a lot of anything but some of your time. And I tried to give her all I had.

That’s what makes me most sad about Mothers Day. Not being able to spend that time with her all day to do absolutely nothing but just exist in the same space with her. To see her smile and laugh with the kids. They brought out the absolute best in her. And then to watch her nap peacefully knowing she was safe, well taken care of and loved.

Mothers carry the world on their shoulders, life in their womb and the weight of the world as it affects their family on their backs. One day is not nearly enough to celebrate and acknowledge all that Mothers do on a daily basis or in a lifetime. And when you lose your Mother this day gains a whole new meaning.

I hope outside of gifts, cookouts and gatherings that each Mother FEELS loved, appreciated and cared for today. And for those who don’t have the privilege of spending today with their Mothers, I hope you are surrounded by love and people who understand.

Me Volví A Enamorar en Cozumel

I fell in love again in Cozumel…

Never thought I’d enter the last year of my 30s on a cruise. I vividly remember saying I don’t want to go on a cruise and end up like the people who boarded the Titanic. I know ignorance is bliss…

As an ode to my Roaring 30s, I opted to cruise for the first time with the one I love. And not just a first time cruise but also a cruise to a destination that neither of us had visited. I say all the time, I wish I’d met him sooner so that I could love him longer because this is how I have always wanted to feel. Happy, safe, at peace and engulfed in love.

The cruise was nothing short of amazing once we were able to get into our stateroom, take showers and change to begin our epic baecation. The night before we were upgraded to an ocean view room and I’m so glad we were. The view was amazing and much appreciated whenever we retreated to the room for a people break or nap.

Refreshing…rejuvenating…renewing

This trip revealed a lot to me. And according to my 40 and older friends, this is the part of life that is truly enjoyable…if you allow it. It’s where we truly adopt the “idgaf” attitude about a lot in life. Color me crazy, but I think I’ve been preparing for my 40s all my life lol.

Unbothered by anything and everything…we gave that cruise all we had to offer. We relaxed. Moved at our own pace throughout the day. Appreciated room service and the 10 videos that played repeatedly on the music channel as we got dressed each day (all day). New Edition’s, “Still in Love” will never be heard the same by us lol.

From the moment we left the parking garage, tired from driving hours to the port, hot, sweaty and excited, I gave up all thoughts of having to be in control to react to any situation. I attempted to put my mind on DND for 5 days and I’m so glad I did. This wonderful man that was ever so gently placed in my life made sure that I was safe at all times.

But truly here I was on a boat with thousands of people…out in the middle of the ocean. Anyone who knows me knows this is out of my norm. Upon boarding even I began to question what the fuck I was actually doing and if I’d make it. I can laugh now but at that moment I consumed all the drugs I had on hand at once in hopes of crushing any and all anxiety that had begun to creep up inside me. I remember how my encounters with others usually go and was even more thankful we upgraded to the ocean view room for the moments when I’d need to reflect on yet another crazy decision I have haphazardly made.

Anytime we’re out and about it’s always a vibe. You have me who always attracts the strangest but nicest people. And then Baby Love who meets no stranger. So just imagine the people that we met…awesome couples/people, cute and respectful kids and heavy handed bartenders. We celebrated a young couples engagement, and shared advice for their many years of happiness together. We talked to an interracial couple about parenting today. Debates occurred often lol. There was one about the pool being empty or full. And also whether or not there were jumping fish in the ocean as we sat among the chill folks on the smoking deck lol. I was asked so many times how many drinks I had consumed but I was usually always not tripping and things were as they appeared lol. (Except for the 2 hours I kept saying the boat was moving and it wasn’t lmao)

Well I never made it to the front of the boat to reenact the scene from the Titanic when Kate was flying. (I warned you that I was weird and yes I linked the clip just in case you forgot the best scene from the entire movie). But the most epic part of our vacation was not even my actual birthday. The day before my birthday we docked in Cozumel. I tried to find the most unique excursion to do with my Baby Love. Mostly because it’s just my nature but also because from the time I realized I love this man, I wanted us to experience all the “firsts” imaginable together. Late starts don’t eliminate all firsts. And so that led us to walking on the bottom of the ocean floor!

If you’re ever in Cozumel, please visit Seatrek in Downtown Cozumel inside Jeanie’s Restaurant & Bar. The restaurant staff was amazing but the diving team at Seatrek were God’s gift to tourists. It’s an experience to remember and the best part is you don’t have to know how to swim. I’m telling you…go.live.your.best.life!

I’ve never doubted the love I have for him. But every time I caught a glimpse of him I got warm and fuzzy like a teenage girl. 3 years doesn’t seem like a long time at all but it feels like I’ve loved this man far beyond this lifetime.

Letter to my Mother

Best Friend!!!

Two years have gone by where I can’t aggravate you by singing and dancing, cook you food and have you rate and critique it, go shopping and meet random people, call and complain about your son, or sit on the phone with you just because I feel alone. You were indeed my person to experience life with.

As I navigate through some women’s health issues I’m even more emotional because I don’t have you here to discuss this part of life. I can’t beg you to come to my appointments with me or call you about my symptoms. Which would lead you to share every home remedy you can remember. When the kids are just being kids but my hormones won’t let me be patient, I can’t call and vent hoping you’ll let them hang with Nana for a weekend. When I can’t sleep, I’m bored, sad or lonely, I can’t call you and just sit on the phone talking about everything until I fall asleep. I don’t get to hear you laugh and joke with the kids and I don’t get to watch you get your elderly butt in the floor to play with them lol. I don’t get to watch scary movies with you in broad daylight. I don’t get to dream with you out loud and make plans for the future.

These last two years, I’ve struggled. A LOT. I’ve burrowed myself inside the house, I’ve not eaten, showered or gotten out of bed at times. I’ve been an antisocial hermit. But this year is a little different. My parallel sibling is home and we are able to get through the day together. I’d love to say the tears are less but they aren’t. Thoughts of you have not faded and you’re still the topic of many conversations.

You told us this…you said all the time that we’d miss you when you were gone. And Mommie I do!!! I miss you terribly. I truly thought I was your Genie in a Bottle, your Guardian Angel, your Shield/Protector, your Nurse, your Princess of Peace. But now I see you were all those things to me. It was an honor being your daughter. Even though you’re physically not here, the pressure to succeed still remains in me.

So save us a seat at the table next to you in the next lifetime…there’s so much we have to talk about and so many hugs I want to give you. Always missing you. See you again one day 💜💜💜

Happy Birthday Best Friend

Hey Best Friend. It’s me again.

I don’t know what to expect when your birthday starts to creep up. Will it be a day of remembering you? Will it be a day of remembering the pain? Can any holiday ever feel the same again?

I wanted to feel happy and calm today but I’m finding I feel completely different now that the day has finally arrived. I’ve placed heavy expectations for this day and find that my expectations aren’t met. Often I ask myself, “Who am I now that you’re gone, and how am I suppose today?” And then, I feel deep grief and sorrow and I’m surprised at the moments when I feel “ok,” which can sometimes lead to unwanted feelings of guilt.

I woke up and somehow made it through half the day, before I was reminded that it was your birthday. I’ve been thinking about this day for a while. Little Brother and I just talked about it this week. Now I feel horrible.

It explains why I didn’t sleep the best last night. Or why I woke up tired as if I didn’t sleep. I was irritated and upset by just merely having to get out of bed. Angry because I had to work. And I wanted to be hugged and loved and left alone all at the same time. In an attempt to wash away feelings, I took a shower before taking the kids to school. That rarely happens. I should have taken the day off work. Ugh.

Now that your birthday is at the forefront of my mind, I am feeling like the worse daughter ever. I remember that I asked best friend and another friend of mine to help me do a lantern release. Baby steps but I’m trying here. I wish I had the answer to why this is so hard and the antidote to grief and how it affects you as an entire person.

So first let’s see if I actually go through with the lantern release. The give up and cancel spirit is very heavy right now. And then let’s see how I feel afterwards. Should I fail to muster the emotional, physical or mental strength to do anything today I hope you know that I still love you. And while I haven’t planned a chill at home birthday party for you, with a cake that you never eat, and food you eat but talk junk about; know that you’re always on my mind and in my heart. I hope wherever you are and whatever you’re doing it is bringing you pure enjoyment. You deserve it.

I love you and Happy Birthday Mom!

When you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.

Lee Ann Womack

Naked Truth

If I ever say there’s nothing on my mind, I’m lying. And those that really know me, know this. This general motor of mine is always running whether I want it to or not. I was just sitting here pondering everything and nothing all at once. Overwhelming myself for absolutely nothing. Pure stupidity.

I really dislike my mind lol. Thinking of all the unfinished projects I have lying around. The current state of the house and the plan needed to get it together. My daily routine that has disintegrated. The idea of my children growing up and thoughts of me growing old all flood my mind at once. And this is during times when I’m trying to have a conversation with others. It’s draining.

And then I have questions. When did I completely stop exercising? When did I become so comfortable with being alone? When did I become so emotional? Am I really going to be ok? When did I become so impatient? Ok I’ve always been impatient.

I need help. Now that’s something you don’t hear often from me. I’m currently so far inside my head and it’s maze of never ending stories, scenarios and thoughts that I can’t get out. Alice in Wonderland is the best way I can describe it. I’ve sat with myself in silence for so long that I’ve fallen so far in my mind that I don’t see a way out.

And let me tell you, I’m fighting to get the hell out because I need to grieve the losses I have yet to fully process and accept, and I need to parent my daughter through her teenage years because times are different, and I need to love on my son because young black men are dying at an alarming rate. And I need to let this wonderful man love me.

I’m so damaged that even what I know to be true, I still question. I love this man so much. And today I realized while sitting with my sea of thoughts that he does indeed love me more than I love him. Shit. He loves me more than I love me.

So no matter what it takes, I’m going to dig my way out of my mind because I’m not the luckiest person in the world…but somehow I managed to find my person. Someone who loves me when I’m nice and when I’m not. Someone who cares about what’s on my mind. Someone willing to do all the weird things and go to all the crazy places with me. Someone who protects me and makes me feel safe. Someone I’m willing to trust. He’s the man that I created in my mind. And I’m out here fucking up…I’m going to do better, promise.

Naked Truth: I’m an adult trying to unlearn toxic behaviors that I adapted as coping mechanisms