This Life…

I ran away like my Mom always said she would when things got hard. I ran with nothing. Just got in my car and left. I told her if she ever ran away she’d have to take me with her. And that always changed her mind. I never liked the thought of being without her even then. I have no choice now.

I know she is with me but it doesn’t lessen the hurt I feel. The emptiness in my heart. The ache in my chest. It doesn’t stop the tears or the feeling of sadness. The memories are great but they make me laugh and cry. Memory making is no more. I miss her so much.

She was my everything just like my children. I shared all my dreams with her and no one else. I’d wait for her to tell me how crazy they are or give me advice on how to make it happen even when I thought it was stupid. I shared all my newly created dishes with her. I’d wait for her to spit it out and tell me it was nasty or tell me I was missing something. When she said it was good I almost passed out lol. No one cooked better than her. She made Thanksgiving non traditional.

We cooked together. We laughed together. We danced together. We cried together. She was not the affectionate mother. But when I really needed a hug I had to take it. And she never pulled away. She was affectionate to the kids. They gave her, her youthful energy. She missed me and Matt being small. So her grandkids and great nieces and nephews were spoiled as a replacement. We were ok with it. We genuinely only cared to see her smile.

I remember the day I introduced my mom to YouTube. She was on the phone with me all day. Telling me all the stuff she found. How to clean this, how to fix that, she was watching shows and movies. She was excited. This tablet was her newest gadget to keep her up all night. And me too.

She use to always say I didn’t know her. She had no idea. I knew when she was about to cry before it happened. I knew when she was going to laugh. I knew when she was angry or upset. I listened to all the stories of how people mistreated her or how she felt alone. I saw myself in her a lot. I wanted so much for her and I worked my ass off to give her anything she asked for. (Except her golf cart)

I miss her. As I grew older those moments where she fussed at me were less and less. As we both learned we were so much alike. We would just shake our heads, be silent and resume a different conversation. That took a lot of work. Two hot heads, with a lot of mouth? I was respectful but sometimes I had to walk away from her and she from me. We never fought. I knew better.

Life will never be the same. I will never be the same. So when you see me don’t ask how I am. I am not well. I have moments where my mind tries to trick me into thinking everything is ok but then reality quickly rears his head and reminds me that she’s not here so life is definitely not ok. I will continue to do exactly what you told me Ma. Just stay with me every step of the way. I need you now more than ever since I can’t physically be with you…until we meet again in the next lifetime. ❤️