“Back to Nature”: Whenever life throws me a curve ball, I turn to Nature to release the pain

Retrograde

Blowing Rock, North Carolina

Mercury in Retrograde…I hate that I remember it’s return. It’s honestly not a bad time but I just dread it because everything slows down to snail pace and my impatient ass just can’t handle it.

What is Mercury Retrograde? Well…this tri-annual event occurs when Mercury speeds Lightning McQueen fast around the Earth. So fast that it appears it’s moving backwards. Pretty cool…

How does Mercury Retrograde affect us? Well all depending on which planet is in retrograde it could affect the way communication, electronic devices, finances, relationships, decision making, etc. I think it’s pretty neat. But I’m a nerd so…

However, with the way my life has been as of late, I welcome Mercury in Retrograde. I’ve been trying to learn my new self and it’s been a little tough. So I welcome this pause.

To start this Retrograde, I felt I needed to get grounded and be in nature. The beach was the kids and I first choice but it was raining the whole day, so we made our way to the mountains! They packed snacks and toys and were ready to go.

We started off our trip with gem mining. I wanted some new crystals anyways so why not mine…it’ll be fun right??? The kids enjoyed it. Doc’s Gem Mine was quite pleasant. The kids were more into than I thought they would be. I had a moment with my daughter and explained worry stones to her. She ended up picking a couple and we discussed her using them when she feels anxious or overwhelmed. This was cool.

We made our way to a couple other gem mines, stopped at Tweetsie’s Railroad and Mystery Hill but decided we’d do them another time. The Blowing Rock was calling our name. Well maybe more mine than theirs but I made it fun for them too lol.

We find a park in the right little parking lot and walk to the entrance. There’s a line. We are of the few people wearing a mask. Smh. Lift a ban and the people go mad.

THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT…WE ARE STILL ADMID A WORLDWIDE PANDEMIC THAT HAS TAKEN THE LIVES OF MANY. EVEN VACCINATED YOU STILL HAVE THE POTENTIAL TO TRANSMIT AND CONTRACT THE VIRUS! THE VACCINE DID NOT MAKE YOU SUPER HUMAN OR IMMUNE! PLEASE WEAR YOUR MASK…OR STAY AWAY FROM OTHERS!

Ok I’m off my soapbox…

We get our tickets, hiked the wrong way several times, laughed, rested and raced. I’d like to think we each conquered some type of fear either on the way up or down the trail. We took pictures for couples and families. We had someone take pictures of us. We helped an elderly lady down the stairs of the trail and walked with her to the end to meet her daughter. We had a conversation with a random stranger about conquering your fears. I almost touched a snake and yelled in the gift shop lol. My kids laughed hysterically at me. The wind almost blew me off a boulder that I shouldn’t have been on and I briefly experienced my soul leaving my body. I just knew I was toppling over the side of the mountain…but in actuality I was ok. I quickly hopped off the boulder and ceased all Dora the Explorer like adventures for the day. I think that may have left a mark on the kids brain for quite a while. And now that I think about it, I was pretty calm to be thinking I was falling to my death.

After hiking up, down and around…we were hungry. Maybe borderline hangry because we were starting to fuss with one another lol. Only me and my kids. We head to Chili’s…the oldest one commences to speak about my new lifestyle change of becoming Vegetarian. It tickles her fancy these days to tell people or say that her Mom doesn’t eat meat lol. She’s so silly.

After we ate we were pooped and ready to rest.


I thoroughly enjoyed the first day of Mercury in Retrograde!

Today I really learned to go with the flow…to pause and just live in the moment. Often times I’m in hurry up and go mode. And today I was able to see and enjoy all things when I take a moment to slow down and go with the flow.

I made no plans. I woke up and let the day flow. I drove for 4.5 hours to go somewhere I felt like I needed to be in this moment.

I think to myself…”If only this could be everyday”. And it soon shall be…I believe it with all my mind, body and soul.

Happy Retrograde…roll with it…don’t let it roll you 😌

Getting Grounded

Today I woke up feeling the best I’ve felt in a while. Trying to stay committed to this SOCANOMICS May challenge to get me back to a place where I feel functional.

I woke before my alarm and immediately checked my phone for my Good Morning text. It was there and all was well with the world today. He said Good Morning and told me he was feeling great and asked how I felt. I felt good today. Those days don’t happen often enough.

I get myself ready for Morning Meditation and Journaling. I wanted to meditate outside on the deck but I didn’t want to put on clothes. So I retreated to my office to meditate. Got my laptop and headed to my workspace. Lit my candle and sat down on my floor pillow to wait for Ms. PJae to start meditation. I saw Ms. Gloria & Susan join and I realized I don’t know these women but every morning we start our day together. And we attempt to spread the positivity from our meditation to everyone we encounter all day.

I knew I had my VA disability rating appointment. I was anxious because I didn’t know what to expect. I don’t like not knowing. I like to be prepared.

I completed my workout for the morning. Made me a cup of tea and tried out my honey straws. (They were pretty neat if I must say so.) I sat in on a new hire training for work. Then I realized I needed to get dressed and leave for my appointment.

I get in my car get my music together because I have an hour and a half ride to this appointment. Really DVA?? Ugh ok. I make my way.

When the therapist greets me she tells me what the appointment is for and what she will be doing. My heart dropped in my stomach and fell out of my ass.

I did not want to revisit my MST. I was raped not once but twice when I was in the military. The shit was terrible. It’s the reason why I don’t trust people in general. It’s why I am overly cautious about my daughter and who she is around. It made me move very differently in life. This was dumb. Why was I having to do this. I couldn’t reschedule or I’d risk not getting another appointment for a while or not getting my increase.

I struggled through all of her questions. My mask was drenched with snot from crying. My face was swollen, my eyes were red and I could not stop crying. And I wasn’t just crying. I was sobbing. Like loud. Making very apparent audible noises like I was struggling to breathe at times. This shit hurt. I hated talking about it. I try so hard to forget that entire part of my life. Yet here we were. Peeling the scab off of my rape wound.

Concerned for my safety because I just could not get myself together the Doctor asks me to sit a moment and not drive while I was crying. I paused for a moment and told her I was ok. I definitely was not. My legs felt like noodles, my heart was racing, I now had a headache from crying and my face was just sore.

I googled the nearest beach. Yes I have to work this evening but I am not going to make it anywhere like this. I had to release all of this shit so that I could go back to the mediocre shit I was encountering.

I drive a little ways on base to the beach. I usually avoid military bases for obvious reasons. Men in uniform. The military period. It makes my skin crawl. It’s the Good Boys Club. They protect their own. And by any means necessary. I hate it.

But I love the beach….

I dig my feet deep into the sand and I just stand. I breathe. Rooted where I find the most peace and not caring what anyone else on the beach thinks about me at the moment. Listening to the waves hit the shore. And I hear a voice…

“You gotta do something different.” I hear you tiny voice. I’m trying. I’m trying my hardest here…

This Life…

I ran away like my Mom always said she would when things got hard. I ran with nothing. Just got in my car and left. I told her if she ever ran away she’d have to take me with her. And that always changed her mind. I never liked the thought of being without her even then. I have no choice now.

I know she is with me but it doesn’t lessen the hurt I feel. The emptiness in my heart. The ache in my chest. It doesn’t stop the tears or the feeling of sadness. The memories are great but they make me laugh and cry. Memory making is no more. I miss her so much.

She was my everything just like my children. I shared all my dreams with her and no one else. I’d wait for her to tell me how crazy they are or give me advice on how to make it happen even when I thought it was stupid. I shared all my newly created dishes with her. I’d wait for her to spit it out and tell me it was nasty or tell me I was missing something. When she said it was good I almost passed out lol. No one cooked better than her. She made Thanksgiving non traditional.

We cooked together. We laughed together. We danced together. We cried together. She was not the affectionate mother. But when I really needed a hug I had to take it. And she never pulled away. She was affectionate to the kids. They gave her, her youthful energy. She missed me and Matt being small. So her grandkids and great nieces and nephews were spoiled as a replacement. We were ok with it. We genuinely only cared to see her smile.

I remember the day I introduced my mom to YouTube. She was on the phone with me all day. Telling me all the stuff she found. How to clean this, how to fix that, she was watching shows and movies. She was excited. This tablet was her newest gadget to keep her up all night. And me too.

She use to always say I didn’t know her. She had no idea. I knew when she was about to cry before it happened. I knew when she was going to laugh. I knew when she was angry or upset. I listened to all the stories of how people mistreated her or how she felt alone. I saw myself in her a lot. I wanted so much for her and I worked my ass off to give her anything she asked for. (Except her golf cart)

I miss her. As I grew older those moments where she fussed at me were less and less. As we both learned we were so much alike. We would just shake our heads, be silent and resume a different conversation. That took a lot of work. Two hot heads, with a lot of mouth? I was respectful but sometimes I had to walk away from her and she from me. We never fought. I knew better.

Life will never be the same. I will never be the same. So when you see me don’t ask how I am. I am not well. I have moments where my mind tries to trick me into thinking everything is ok but then reality quickly rears his head and reminds me that she’s not here so life is definitely not ok. I will continue to do exactly what you told me Ma. Just stay with me every step of the way. I need you now more than ever since I can’t physically be with you…until we meet again in the next lifetime. ❤️