“I’m Ok”

It’s my response when I start grief counseling and I’m asked “How are you doing?” Go outside they say. Get some fresh air. It will do you good, help your mood. Pick up a new hobby. Spend time with your kids. You will need family and friends to get through this process. They say these things but real life, who does this? Or has successfully done this? We need to talk!

So you don’t think pre-grief that I didn’t do all those things. Do you think once you lose someone so close to you that you just roll over and pick up where you left off after they’re slowly descended into the ground forever?

Before my Mom passed away, I had a routine. A morning ritual. I called to check on her and talk to her. Tuesdays was my best day of the work week every week. Now I struggle to get out of bed. Most days I work directly from between the sheets. I don’t want to get up or get dressed. I don’t turn on my camera for meetings and I really don’t feel like speaking. That’s pretty hard for an IT person. But we are weird anyway so 🤷🏾‍♀️… I barely eat. I think my body is use to it so we may have to revert back to scheduled meals again. I’m tired from doing nothing. I’m mentally drained. I’m emotionally out of control and physically I mostly feel like shit but I say I’m ok with a smile.

I am my Mother’s child and this is why not having her is so hard for me. Sometimes thoughts runs through my head and I just want someone to talk to. Just to distract me and make me laugh or talk about something other than what has me consumed in thought and/or down. But generally everyone is busy throughout the course of the day. And so am I but I’m struggling in a major way. My Mom use to be that one person that would answer me and talk about nothing for hours. She would ask what was wrong and when I didn’t respond she knew it was deep enough that she would say something immediately to make me laugh. Like saying hold on I have to fart. Smh. She had no filter. And she always answered my call. She could be sleep and if I called she answered and she wouldn’t let me hang up. She’d talk to me because she sensed that I just needed someone. She knew and understood me. She was the truest friend you could ever have. Losing her was the worse thing to happen to me in this lifetime. I don’t ever want my children to endure this kind of heartache and pain.

So at a time like this, I’m grateful that I have learned to navigate and cope on my own. Whether the coping be healthy or unhealthy. I have to maintain my sanity at this point. So when you see me talking to myself. No I’m not crazy. I got tired of waiting for other people to talk to. And don’t read this and say well call them. Have you ever joined a chat for help and you were ‘next in queue’ for hours? That’s my life. Always waiting for someone to get back with me, make time for me or remember some shit they volunteered to do for me.

“Wait”…”Give me a minute” (the minute is still ticking I believe)…. “I will check on you later” (3 years from now)…”I forgot, I’m sorry”…Don’t even worry about it…I will figure it out.

So navigating life as a Motherless (and Fatherless) Adult Child, Week 3 Life Lesson that I remembered from my many conversations with Mom:

Don’t depend on man because he will fail you everytime.

-T. L. Moore
Drowning in sorrow, heartache and pain and I’m the only one that can save me.

Author: ~California Dreamer~

Just an average silly, nerdy chick. That's weird in probably a million different ways, sharing my sometimes fucked up life with you. Showing others that they should enjoy life, because there's always someone in a worse situation.

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