Happy Birthday Best Friend

Hey Best Friend. It’s me again.

I don’t know what to expect when your birthday starts to creep up. Will it be a day of remembering you? Will it be a day of remembering the pain? Can any holiday ever feel the same again?

I wanted to feel happy and calm today but I’m finding I feel completely different now that the day has finally arrived. I’ve placed heavy expectations for this day and find that my expectations aren’t met. Often I ask myself, “Who am I now that you’re gone, and how am I suppose today?” And then, I feel deep grief and sorrow and I’m surprised at the moments when I feel “ok,” which can sometimes lead to unwanted feelings of guilt.

I woke up and somehow made it through half the day, before I was reminded that it was your birthday. I’ve been thinking about this day for a while. Little Brother and I just talked about it this week. Now I feel horrible.

It explains why I didn’t sleep the best last night. Or why I woke up tired as if I didn’t sleep. I was irritated and upset by just merely having to get out of bed. Angry because I had to work. And I wanted to be hugged and loved and left alone all at the same time. In an attempt to wash away feelings, I took a shower before taking the kids to school. That rarely happens. I should have taken the day off work. Ugh.

Now that your birthday is at the forefront of my mind, I am feeling like the worse daughter ever. I remember that I asked best friend and another friend of mine to help me do a lantern release. Baby steps but I’m trying here. I wish I had the answer to why this is so hard and the antidote to grief and how it affects you as an entire person.

So first let’s see if I actually go through with the lantern release. The give up and cancel spirit is very heavy right now. And then let’s see how I feel afterwards. Should I fail to muster the emotional, physical or mental strength to do anything today I hope you know that I still love you. And while I haven’t planned a chill at home birthday party for you, with a cake that you never eat, and food you eat but talk junk about; know that you’re always on my mind and in my heart. I hope wherever you are and whatever you’re doing it is bringing you pure enjoyment. You deserve it.

I love you and Happy Birthday Mom!

When you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.

Lee Ann Womack

Naked Truth

If I ever say there’s nothing on my mind, I’m lying. And those that really know me, know this. This general motor of mine is always running whether I want it to or not. I was just sitting here pondering everything and nothing all at once. Overwhelming myself for absolutely nothing. Pure stupidity.

I really dislike my mind lol. Thinking of all the unfinished projects I have lying around. The current state of the house and the plan needed to get it together. My daily routine that has disintegrated. The idea of my children growing up and thoughts of me growing old all flood my mind at once. And this is during times when I’m trying to have a conversation with others. It’s draining.

And then I have questions. When did I completely stop exercising? When did I become so comfortable with being alone? When did I become so emotional? Am I really going to be ok? When did I become so impatient? Ok I’ve always been impatient.

I need help. Now that’s something you don’t hear often from me. I’m currently so far inside my head and it’s maze of never ending stories, scenarios and thoughts that I can’t get out. Alice in Wonderland is the best way I can describe it. I’ve sat with myself in silence for so long that I’ve fallen so far in my mind that I don’t see a way out.

And let me tell you, I’m fighting to get the hell out because I need to grieve the losses I have yet to fully process and accept, and I need to parent my daughter through her teenage years because times are different, and I need to love on my son because young black men are dying at an alarming rate. And I need to let this wonderful man love me.

I’m so damaged that even what I know to be true, I still question. I love this man so much. And today I realized while sitting with my sea of thoughts that he does indeed love me more than I love him. Shit. He loves me more than I love me.

So no matter what it takes, I’m going to dig my way out of my mind because I’m not the luckiest person in the world…but somehow I managed to find my person. Someone who loves me when I’m nice and when I’m not. Someone who cares about what’s on my mind. Someone willing to do all the weird things and go to all the crazy places with me. Someone who protects me and makes me feel safe. Someone I’m willing to trust. He’s the man that I created in my mind. And I’m out here fucking up…I’m going to do better, promise.

Naked Truth: I’m an adult trying to unlearn toxic behaviors that I adapted as coping mechanisms

Sick & Tired

In my mind…

I rarely get in my feelings…maybe it’s because I live in my head, maybe it’s because I careless what people think of me but anyways there’s this repetitive pattern I’ve noticed with a “so-called” friend of mine that has been bothering me but today unraveled me.

Now people who know me well, know I’m quite an understanding and forgiving person. But when things don’t sit well with me, it really nags at me until I address the situation. And this one I’m just not sure how to approach it just yet because I legit want to explode. This gives way to why I don’t trust people.

I realized that I am no longer a very vocal person. How and what I felt use to always exit my speaker box without hesitation. Now I think long and hard before I speak. Sometimes I will purposefully not respond to comments or questions if I feel an internal nudge to “hold my tongue.”

But in the past year, I’ve felt most attacked, judged and criticized by someone I trusted. And during times where I was struggling to merely exist.

This individual is suppose to be a best friend, yet in the past year has not missed an opportunity to make light of what I feel are pivotal times in my life. I’ve tried to ignore and dismiss it but today it really stuck with me.

Living and learning…loving and growing…understanding and appreciating my source peace.

Earth is ghetto. And people on this planet are truly like emotional crabs in a barrel. If they feel like you’re happier than them or have something they don’t, they create a secret competition with you. All the while you’re just loving and trusting them for who you thought they were. #ElysianMe

Series Finale: Season 38, Episode 16

Realest quote!

Today was the day I’ve been waiting for since January 2020. AD-Day! Absolute Divorce/After Divorce Day, whatever.

For starters I am not anti-marriage. I know and understand that one bad apple doesn’t sour them all. But I do see marriage (the legally binding agreement itself) as being meaningless as it relates to an actual long-term relationship. And my feelings on this isn’t new. I felt this way for quite some time after I got married.

I was not able to wrap my mind around the fact that a piece of paper, a ceremony (regardless of where it occurred) and repeating words after someone else (or making up your own) constitutes your ability and desire to love and care for another human being for as long as you should live?

I began to disagree with the act of marriage for myself wholeheartedly. It has never stopped me from supporting friends and family who decide to take the plunge. For me, the piece of paper that is signed does nothing more than allow you to (if you wish) file taxes together. Two single individuals can love each other, have children together, buy property together, live together, make life altering decisions for one another, etc. Being married is not a requirement for accomplishing any of those things aforementioned. And the bonus is they can still love, care and cherish each other for as long as they shall live. No marriage involved.

So for a while as I sat unhappy trying to fix something that was irrepairable, I began to wonder where did marriage even originate? Like who came up with such tomfoolery? Did it come from the Bible? Did this act pre-date Biblical the days? I often asked these questions and had conversations like such with my ex-husband. Especially when things got hard between us. I didn’t want him to feel obligated to stick around if he was unhappy simply because we had this “contractual agreement”. I always made it crystal clear that in the event that I became unhappy, that I’d try to reconcile but ultimately I would never stay with anyone to just be tolerated, used and abused. There is so much more to life than faking the funk or trying to keep up appearances in order to not appear as a failure.

What I learned was that marriage initially had nothing to do with love or religion, but everything to do with legally binding women to men as guaranteed property? Father’s handed over their daughters to men as a house maid, cook and in-home aide to ensure that the mans’ offspring would be biologically his. But wait it gets worse…in the event that the woman suffered from infertility, she was able to be returned like a damaged Amazon order and the man was then free to search for a more fertile wife to replace her. Sounds a lot like slavery if you ask me. But these are merely just my opinions and my thoughts. Keep in mind, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. We are all adults and can agree to disagree or just keep scrolling.

Now, religion came into play around the 8th century and made marriage purely sexual. Religion now, made marriage about SEX. Smh. Marriage then meant that a man and woman had exclusive access to each other for their sexual needs and desires. (Still sounds a little slaveish to me but eh) But marrying for love…that came from the French during the Middle Ages. Even though during this time men were fighting to win over the heart of a woman, they were still seen as property of a man. It was taken one step further and this random thought that you may think I have was recognized as a legal doctrine called coverture. This implied that a woman’s identity was absorbed by marrying the man. The woman assumed the man’s last name as a way of surrending her identity which meant that the man represented them both no longer just himself. Terrible concept.

The thought of marriage has indeed come a long way. And it is still evolving. It wasn’t until the 1980s that marital rape was recognized as being a crime, because there was still the thought that the woman was property of the man sexually. Today, in many states men can marry men and women can marry women. Hell they are dropping the age that children can legally get married without parental consent which is quite alarming.

All I’m saying is to each its own in believing in and participating in marriage. Some people do it for status, ownership or as something they were taught or shown that they had to do. Become an adult, get married, have kids, etc.

As of today, the series of my life that led me to believe the order of living an adult life included marriage is officially and legally over. After many years of being tolerated, I stand firm on the belief that a certificate of marriage does not define my ability to love, respect, cherish, care for and support the one I love emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually and financially.

I found my everything outside of my ex-husband. Someone who provides me with peace, comfort, safety, loyalty, respect, communication, honesty and love. A piece of paper, a ceremony and recited words won’t be the deciding factor on us building, growing and loving each other as long as we both shall live…

And so she lived happily ever after…

Not Your Relationship Coach

It’s not often that I write after having a conversation with my parallel collateral descendant but this morning I have to mentally unload because he 100% triggered me.

Let me start by stating that I’m no relationship expert by any means. I have no certifications or specializations in education or science on human behavior or sociology. But I know first hand what it’s like to be hurt. I also know first hand what it is like to intentionally hurt others and the ramifications (karma) of doing such.

The person I am today, I haven’t always been. I’ve been young, dumb, and (what I thought was) crazy in love. I reflect on those periods of my life now and wish I would have done things differently in previous relationships. Maybe I wouldn’t be the struggling soon to be damaged divorcee I am now.

Sadly, I now see the same patterns in my parallel collateral descendant and it bothers me. A lot! Even though he’s an adult, I still feel compelled to provide him with guidance when asked. (Never unsolicited because again, I’m no expert and this is not my avenue) But I listen and provide feedback in hopes of helping him find the path to avoid heartbreak, toxic relationships and unhealthy behavior.

But as a man and human, he doesn’t listen to understand. He doesn’t listen to me (he didn’t really listen to my Mom either), his girlfriend, or anyone. How he feels supersedes anyone else’s feelings. He almost implies that he is the center of the universe but doesn’t come straight out and say that. He is always ready to argue and defend his wrongdoing; bandaging it with “I’m hurting too” and “This is how I feel”. He reminds me a lot of my Father. And he was quite the selfish man.

While I love him dearly, I expressed to him that hurt people, hurt people. And that’s not ok. I don’t involve myself in his relationships at all. I meet his “lady friend” when he decides to introduce them. And I can usually tell off the bat if they are “ok”. Not judging, just observing. So far I’ve been right with my thoughts and I usually just keep them to myself. Only sharing my thoughts and feelings with my Mom, because isn’t that what big sisters do?

Before I even realized it, I had shut down on him. I had no response for anything he said. And I was waiting for a pause in his monologue to end the call.

It’s 4am. I’m not in the mood to argue with him or try to overtalk him. He’s said hurtful shit to me just a few months ago so I can only imagine how his girlfriend feels. Trying to be neutral because they are both calling me, I don’t want to give his girlfriend my advice. Because when someone hurts me I tend to write them off forever. I won’t give them the ability or satisfaction of ever doing it again. Sadly the most toxic relationship of my life I can’t write off because my children are involved smh.

Tonight he reminded me of my ex so much that I had to hang up. Being disrespectful and belligerent. Disregarding his issues to point out his dislikes in someone else. Not listening and not allowing me to speak or complete my thoughts. The finger pointing, blaming, condescending talk and nonchalantness is a pain point for me. It don’t help that he’s also inebriated but still.

I remember vividly pouring out my heart to someone only to have him respond with, were you talking to me, I will call you back, I don’t have time for this, oh ok, whatever you say, or you’re right, I’m wrong…or him getting up and walking away while I was still talking…or him purposefully avoiding me to avoid having a conversation. That shit bothered me so bad that even now in any relationship or conversation (romantic or platonic) if I feel like I’m not being heard, I immediately shut down. “Don’t worry about it” is my response and I don’t like to argue so I will either change the subject or find the nearest exit. Going to sleep was also something I would do to escape.

I love my parallel collateral descendant to pieces but he’s a toxic asshole right now, with a bad attitude and unresolved/unhealed trauma. He needs to work on himself and I don’t need him reaching out to me for relationship advice while he’s in this state of mind. If he was closer, I would have drove to him and punched him dead in the face. Now I’m trying to go back to sleep with thoughts of how messed up I’ve been myself lately relationship wise.