Month 7

Do you ever have days where you just feel damn right tired for no apparent reason? You don’t feel like doing anything, even if you have a million things to do. You just want to lay around and do that one thing that brings you peace and comfort, all because you lack energy?

That is where I am today…

Everything seems complicated. It took 3 hours to prepare myself to change the sheets on my bed. It’s always a task but I literally left the bed to sit in the resting chair to look at my bed in hopes that someone will invent a tool/machine or a mattress that could allow the bed to “dress” itself. My son asked me to turn on the TV for about an hour before I actually could muster up the energy to get up and walk into the living room to get the remote off the fireplace mantle to turn on the TV.

When I’m like this it’s hard to think and focus, be productive, be patient and even work. In a nutshell, I just want the day to END because it is a complete drag. Grieving requires and consumes a lot of energy…and I have none to give.

I try to remember today is a drag for a couple of reasons…today is Month 7. Today is the day I closed on my current home 4 years ago after being told that my Paternal Grandfather had passed away. Besides me lacking all the energy in the world, it hasn’t been terrible day, just really meh. I stayed in my pajama’s in true “work-from-home” fashion, until I had to go pick up my grocery order.

I found it quite unbelievable that I managed to cook dinner tonight, bake cookies with my youngest and not get back in the bed after I got out of it. That was an accomplishment. It doesn’t dull the pain but it made it a little better. At the request of my oldest, I made spaghetti. The kids use to fight over my Mom’s spaghetti. And she would hold it hostage to get them to “be good”. I’ve cat-napped all day so sleeping tonight will be a task…

I’m reminded of her often and it’s usually followed by a smile or laugh that ends in a terrible cry. I just hope she know I’m doing my best, even though it doesn’t feel like I’m doing it well. Failing at all things in life except overthinking and restarting the steps of grief every 30 days or so…

This lifetime is a complete shit show…