Yesterday I took a break. Or I attempted to do so. I left my both phones and my laptop on the nightstand the entire day. I should have worked out but I really have just been in a real lazy type of mood. And I can tell physically because the weight I once lost, is creeping back up on me. I have to do better.
I go and take a stab at trying to organize this walk in closet again. I start with the top shelves this time. I realize I have way too many handbags and totes. This is ridiculous. I grab a trash bag to throw this shit away. Inside of one of the huge bags I find my journals from waaaaaaaaaaayyyy back when. Like high school up until right before I got married. I have narrated my life in journal form since I was about 8 or 9 years old. Then it was to cope with the sea of domestic violence that surrounded me and to give an only child an outlet to express herself. I remember my aunt bought my first diary. A little white patent leather journal with a lock. The leather where the lock use to reside was gone. I remember the day my Mom cut that bitch off to read my diary. She was angry as hell. My thoughts, my diary. Not in her house. That pushed me to write even more. From that point forward, I had to hide my then diary just like the kids do in movies (under my bed, in between books on my bookshelf, in my closet, etc.) I realized that I stopped writing when I got married. And I honestly never go back and read what I write. Until today…
I stared at all the journals debating whether or not to open one just to revisit the past. This could be a good thing or it could trigger a whole lot of bullshit. I sat in my closet floor contemplating what to do. One I remember and I know it’s the last journal I wrote in. I grab it. It was only from about 17 years ago. Here goes nothing…
I do some stupid shit sometimes…nothing compares to my past life though lol. I did a multitude of stupid things and dealt with a lot of stupid people. Life was different then. I think I sat here laughing, singing, crying and questioning myself for about 2 hours. The top shelf of the closet was empty but nothing was organized. Stick a pin in this task, it’s done for the day. There was so much emotion in things that I wrote and then I began to see a pattern.
And maybe that was the purpose of me reading these entries. To see that I create my own unhappiness by the situations I put myself in. And even at 37 I hadn’t quite learned my lesson in this area of my life. Am I going to make a change or keep putting myself through unnecessary pain?
I reach the end of this journal and I find a poem that I wrote.
Together forever we shall stay,
Letting our love grow stronger, day by day.
Wishes made upon the stars in the sky,
Knowing this love will never die.
Hopes and dreams this love is for real,
Knowing what's going on, knowing how we feel.
Showing our love and showing we care,
No longer playing a silly game of truth or dare.
Being here for one another,
And showing love for only each other.
I'm going to be only your babygirl,
And this is because you have changed my world.
You have put trust in me like no one else will,
You loved me then and you love me still.
I believe in this world everyone has a soulmate,
I also believe we met not only through fate...
But we met because we are meant to be,
And that's what I'm trying to make you see.
You and I must work through this relationship together,
And when we go through the worst, we will make it better.
So from here on out it's just me and you,
And for that I love only you.
The poem didn’t even fit my life then. And I’m not sure who I was addressing. There’s no date and it’s literally at the end of the journal. It’s random. I read it over and over again. In faint ink next to the poem I see “Always Alone”.
I’ve always tried filling this void no matter the cost just because of the pain it causes. And in return, I always end up hurt. I sat and cried to no end. I owe it to myself to stop. I realize in this moment no one can take this pain away or fill this hole I have in my heart. Nobody but me. I have pain, disappointment and abandonment piled on top of anger. This just dusted off a bunch of shit I buried.
It’s time I sit and really deal with it…vacation request entered, calendar blocked, sitter secured, Airbnb booked, suitcase packed, car gassed up. I’m going off grid for a little bit…before I make a decision that I may regret, I need to sit with myself and deal with my entire past life and its issues that is proving to affect my current life.
So stay tuned…