Tag: #journey

Surviving to Living

After a good meditation session early this morning I no longer have the desire to be “the strong one”. I have always been the strong person. I’ve always had to be the strong child, sibling, parent and friend. As of today I no longer desire to be that person because I realize that it is unhealthy.

At almost 40 years old, I’m now understanding that being “the strong one” is not a flex and it is tiring. I really think I’m truly tired now because I have realized that I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember. I continually operate in fight or flight mode. I have been living in survival mode.

Most people don’t understand that “the strong one” carries a lot on the daily. A tremendous deal of trauma. The strength that everyone thinks is a gift, is merely a shield that is used to block people and situations from hurting us. This is definitely not something to be proud of and again in no shape or form healthy.

It is better known as a defense mechanism. If you only knew how badly I would love to just relax in a space where I am comfortable, sit down with no time constraints, and allow someone genuine to come into this space and love me unconditionally. And I’m not referring to a romantic relationship but also friends and family that WANT to occupy space with me. I want to be able to truly trust others. I want to be able to be more feminine and less masculine. Hell, I want to be able to understand and trust myself enough to know that I am allowing the right people into my space. But it is hard. I have been repeatedly hurt, used, abused, and have experienced so much trauma for so long that I didn’t know where to start.

Well my starting point is my blog post, right now, today. As of this moment I can no longer be ‘that person’ for anyone because I need to be that person for myself. I am constantly drained because I am always pouring into someone else, supporting someone else, reaching out and being there for someone else. But I don’t have enough people pouring into me. And I realize that it may not be because they don’t want to, but because they feel as though I don’t need it since I have managed to still be able to smile and exist after many losses, tests and trials in this lifetime.

I encourage anyone reading this to make a conscious effort to check on their “strong” friends, siblings, children, parents and other loved ones that are hyper independent. Reach out to those that you don’t think need you, because they are probably feeling just like me too.

Always remember, every person that comes into your life is only there for a limited time, so show up and be present. Sometimes later never comes and tomorrow is too late.

Letter to my Mother

Best Friend!!!

Two years have gone by where I can’t aggravate you by singing and dancing, cook you food and have you rate and critique it, go shopping and meet random people, call and complain about your son, or sit on the phone with you just because I feel alone. You were indeed my person to experience life with.

As I navigate through some women’s health issues I’m even more emotional because I don’t have you here to discuss this part of life. I can’t beg you to come to my appointments with me or call you about my symptoms. Which would lead you to share every home remedy you can remember. When the kids are just being kids but my hormones won’t let me be patient, I can’t call and vent hoping you’ll let them hang with Nana for a weekend. When I can’t sleep, I’m bored, sad or lonely, I can’t call you and just sit on the phone talking about everything until I fall asleep. I don’t get to hear you laugh and joke with the kids and I don’t get to watch you get your elderly butt in the floor to play with them lol. I don’t get to watch scary movies with you in broad daylight. I don’t get to dream with you out loud and make plans for the future.

These last two years, I’ve struggled. A LOT. I’ve burrowed myself inside the house, I’ve not eaten, showered or gotten out of bed at times. I’ve been an antisocial hermit. But this year is a little different. My parallel sibling is home and we are able to get through the day together. I’d love to say the tears are less but they aren’t. Thoughts of you have not faded and you’re still the topic of many conversations.

You told us this…you said all the time that we’d miss you when you were gone. And Mommie I do!!! I miss you terribly. I truly thought I was your Genie in a Bottle, your Guardian Angel, your Shield/Protector, your Nurse, your Princess of Peace. But now I see you were all those things to me. It was an honor being your daughter. Even though you’re physically not here, the pressure to succeed still remains in me.

So save us a seat at the table next to you in the next lifetime…there’s so much we have to talk about and so many hugs I want to give you. Always missing you. See you again one day 💜💜💜

Happy Birthday Best Friend

Hey Best Friend. It’s me again.

I don’t know what to expect when your birthday starts to creep up. Will it be a day of remembering you? Will it be a day of remembering the pain? Can any holiday ever feel the same again?

I wanted to feel happy and calm today but I’m finding I feel completely different now that the day has finally arrived. I’ve placed heavy expectations for this day and find that my expectations aren’t met. Often I ask myself, “Who am I now that you’re gone, and how am I suppose today?” And then, I feel deep grief and sorrow and I’m surprised at the moments when I feel “ok,” which can sometimes lead to unwanted feelings of guilt.

I woke up and somehow made it through half the day, before I was reminded that it was your birthday. I’ve been thinking about this day for a while. Little Brother and I just talked about it this week. Now I feel horrible.

It explains why I didn’t sleep the best last night. Or why I woke up tired as if I didn’t sleep. I was irritated and upset by just merely having to get out of bed. Angry because I had to work. And I wanted to be hugged and loved and left alone all at the same time. In an attempt to wash away feelings, I took a shower before taking the kids to school. That rarely happens. I should have taken the day off work. Ugh.

Now that your birthday is at the forefront of my mind, I am feeling like the worse daughter ever. I remember that I asked best friend and another friend of mine to help me do a lantern release. Baby steps but I’m trying here. I wish I had the answer to why this is so hard and the antidote to grief and how it affects you as an entire person.

So first let’s see if I actually go through with the lantern release. The give up and cancel spirit is very heavy right now. And then let’s see how I feel afterwards. Should I fail to muster the emotional, physical or mental strength to do anything today I hope you know that I still love you. And while I haven’t planned a chill at home birthday party for you, with a cake that you never eat, and food you eat but talk junk about; know that you’re always on my mind and in my heart. I hope wherever you are and whatever you’re doing it is bringing you pure enjoyment. You deserve it.

I love you and Happy Birthday Mom!

When you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.

Lee Ann Womack

Naked Truth

If I ever say there’s nothing on my mind, I’m lying. And those that really know me, know this. This general motor of mine is always running whether I want it to or not. I was just sitting here pondering everything and nothing all at once. Overwhelming myself for absolutely nothing. Pure stupidity.

I really dislike my mind lol. Thinking of all the unfinished projects I have lying around. The current state of the house and the plan needed to get it together. My daily routine that has disintegrated. The idea of my children growing up and thoughts of me growing old all flood my mind at once. And this is during times when I’m trying to have a conversation with others. It’s draining.

And then I have questions. When did I completely stop exercising? When did I become so comfortable with being alone? When did I become so emotional? Am I really going to be ok? When did I become so impatient? Ok I’ve always been impatient.

I need help. Now that’s something you don’t hear often from me. I’m currently so far inside my head and it’s maze of never ending stories, scenarios and thoughts that I can’t get out. Alice in Wonderland is the best way I can describe it. I’ve sat with myself in silence for so long that I’ve fallen so far in my mind that I don’t see a way out.

And let me tell you, I’m fighting to get the hell out because I need to grieve the losses I have yet to fully process and accept, and I need to parent my daughter through her teenage years because times are different, and I need to love on my son because young black men are dying at an alarming rate. And I need to let this wonderful man love me.

I’m so damaged that even what I know to be true, I still question. I love this man so much. And today I realized while sitting with my sea of thoughts that he does indeed love me more than I love him. Shit. He loves me more than I love me.

So no matter what it takes, I’m going to dig my way out of my mind because I’m not the luckiest person in the world…but somehow I managed to find my person. Someone who loves me when I’m nice and when I’m not. Someone who cares about what’s on my mind. Someone willing to do all the weird things and go to all the crazy places with me. Someone who protects me and makes me feel safe. Someone I’m willing to trust. He’s the man that I created in my mind. And I’m out here fucking up…I’m going to do better, promise.

Naked Truth: I’m an adult trying to unlearn toxic behaviors that I adapted as coping mechanisms

Mental Dump: Breakfast

Sleeplessly I woke before my alarm. I laid in the dark staring at the ceiling. My mental voice did its usual…stretched and took off. Everything that I didn’t do yesterday cluttered my mind, thoughts of me being a failure because why didn’t I make time for these items yesterday. Then it changed gears and there was a reminder to call and check on my Mom…a wave of sadness hits me and the cloud of thoughts dissipate. I am reminded by the memorial blanket on my resting chair that I cannot call to check on her. Attempting to shake off this never ending nightmare, I shimmy to the edge of the bed wiping away the tears that escaped my eyes so that I can see clear enough to stand.

I stretch. I think I should log into my yoga class but opted to skip. I reach my arms as high as I can above my head. Then I bend over stretching my fingertips to touch my toes…my stomach is in the way. We are here again, ugh. I walk into the bathroom closet to locate my “ghostbusters” workout suit. My mindset is start today or I won’t start at all. Looking in the closet I’m reminded that no matter how many times I clean this closet it returns to its natural state of messy and disorganization.

I get myself ready, get the kids up and make sure the little one is dressed properly. He’s getting better with picking out his clothes and getting dressed alone. I realize that I coddle my kids quite a bit because I feel like I missed so much of their younger years. I worked so much and was often times gone from home weeks at a time. I know they have to grow up and I will back up one day but today…nope. I hug, kiss and tickle them. A child shouldn’t start their day with their parents yelling, screaming and fussing. Home should be the safest place in the world and your parents should be your safe people. I’m parenting by trial and error here. I didn’t get the manual and I’m doing the best I can to avoid my children being the somewhat fucked up adult that I am.

I get breakfast ready for the little one and head to my fur son. It’s his birthday today! Party later but at the moment I have to get Mr. Man to school and then drop off Ms. Ma’am. As I drive off from the school I think about treating myself to breakfast. I’m dressed to workout but I’m going to eat…this is sad lol

It’s Wellness Wednesday so I’m going to treat myself to a “therapeutic breakfast”. 😁

The first place that cross my mind when it comes to breakfast is the coolest little Amish Kitchen in the country. So I drive 25 min to get the best breakfast that I’ve had outside of my Grandmother’s kitchen. Noticing the trees, leaves and crops on the way before my mind hits turbo. I don’t want to ruin my morning so I turn up the music and crack the windows to drown out my thoughts. It’s going to be a good day because I said so. Quieting the noise for a moment of peace seemed ok.

Heaven on a plate: Garden omelet with Dutch potatoes and French Toast with Butter syrup