Every month it’s almost as if I forget that this day exists. That is until I completely wake up from the dream of March 26, 2021.
I should have remembered today because today is the due date for my state license renewal. I can hear you clearly saying “Don’t you fuck up what you got going on for me!” I open my eyes, just to make note of where I am…this day is usually just terribly painful. Tears start to roll down my face as I see your face on the throw on my resting chair across the room. It’s not a bad dream…it’s just my reality.
The day is September 26, 2021 and it’s been 6 months today…they say this gets easier huh??? It absolutely does not. Every month I’m alone on this day. And now it almost seems purposefully so.
In my head, I tell myself I need to be outside. I imagine the Sunday’s we spent on the deck with the music playing and you drinking your hot beer…eww…that’s not something I can indulge in as a memory but I think I can handle the rest. I want to be in the backyard today, with some drinks and music. Maybe plant some flowers and lay in the hammock.
I try to continue with my morning “routine” but it’s not working. I look for my phone because I don’t know what time it is. It’s dead. I guess, I fell asleep before putting it on the charger again. A “Good Morning Queen…” text warms my body a little. Neither of us appear to be having a really good morning. I hate this…
I get my fur son and head outside…maybe it will make me feel better. Joint between my fingers and lighter in my hand, I sit in my hammock and just exist for a moment. I really hate it here…I hate this part of life…the inevitable part that can’t be controlled…it hurts and there seems to be nothing to dull the pain. Who am I kidding??? I can’t do anything today…
I want some ink. I want to pierce something. I just need a little physical pain inflicted to relieve the emotional torture behind my fake smile and laughter. I sit on my bed and memories of when I use to write poems and put on a show in the living room for my Mom flood my mind. It was interesting being an only child for a while. We did weird things like this to past time and forget everything that was going on around us. I guess most would call that bonding. My Mom would play jazz quietly in the background. I’d use the floor lamp as my mic stand. I’d dress up and get in my element. She seldom encouraged my imaginative play so whenever she did, I made sure to make was a showstopper.
As an avid fan of poetry and music, a true nerd, I opted to end this blog post with a short short story. If you’re not familiar, read on…
It is said that the author Ernest Hemingway while out to lunch one day, bet a table full of fellow writers that he could write a short story in just 6 words. Although his fellow writers had their doubts, they each wagered $10 to put Hemingway to the test. As the story goes, Hemingway believed the resulting story to be his finest work ever. You can read it here.
In the footsteps of a legend, today I share my 6 word short short story…always and forever in my heart Mother…
“I am eternally your only daughter.”
— Your Daughter
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In My Unapologetic Life... 