Mental Dump: Breakfast

Sleeplessly I woke before my alarm. I laid in the dark staring at the ceiling. My mental voice did its usual…stretched and took off. Everything that I didn’t do yesterday cluttered my mind, thoughts of me being a failure because why didn’t I make time for these items yesterday. Then it changed gears and there was a reminder to call and check on my Mom…a wave of sadness hits me and the cloud of thoughts dissipate. I am reminded by the memorial blanket on my resting chair that I cannot call to check on her. Attempting to shake off this never ending nightmare, I shimmy to the edge of the bed wiping away the tears that escaped my eyes so that I can see clear enough to stand.

I stretch. I think I should log into my yoga class but opted to skip. I reach my arms as high as I can above my head. Then I bend over stretching my fingertips to touch my toes…my stomach is in the way. We are here again, ugh. I walk into the bathroom closet to locate my “ghostbusters” workout suit. My mindset is start today or I won’t start at all. Looking in the closet I’m reminded that no matter how many times I clean this closet it returns to its natural state of messy and disorganization.

I get myself ready, get the kids up and make sure the little one is dressed properly. He’s getting better with picking out his clothes and getting dressed alone. I realize that I coddle my kids quite a bit because I feel like I missed so much of their younger years. I worked so much and was often times gone from home weeks at a time. I know they have to grow up and I will back up one day but today…nope. I hug, kiss and tickle them. A child shouldn’t start their day with their parents yelling, screaming and fussing. Home should be the safest place in the world and your parents should be your safe people. I’m parenting by trial and error here. I didn’t get the manual and I’m doing the best I can to avoid my children being the somewhat fucked up adult that I am.

I get breakfast ready for the little one and head to my fur son. It’s his birthday today! Party later but at the moment I have to get Mr. Man to school and then drop off Ms. Ma’am. As I drive off from the school I think about treating myself to breakfast. I’m dressed to workout but I’m going to eat…this is sad lol

It’s Wellness Wednesday so I’m going to treat myself to a “therapeutic breakfast”. 😁

The first place that cross my mind when it comes to breakfast is the coolest little Amish Kitchen in the country. So I drive 25 min to get the best breakfast that I’ve had outside of my Grandmother’s kitchen. Noticing the trees, leaves and crops on the way before my mind hits turbo. I don’t want to ruin my morning so I turn up the music and crack the windows to drown out my thoughts. It’s going to be a good day because I said so. Quieting the noise for a moment of peace seemed ok.

Heaven on a plate: Garden omelet with Dutch potatoes and French Toast with Butter syrup

Restart…Repeat

I woke up this morning, not much different than how I went to sleep last night. No appetite, not really wanting to get out of bed and just feeling blah.

I got the kids up for school. Got the little one dressed. Got their breakfast on the table and I sat in the bathroom sobbing for what felt like hours. My eyes red, puffy and swollen and my head aching. This is a never ending and unpredictable cycle. But as usual, I have to push through because I have no other option.

I’m almost certain this is a result of speaking to my cousin last night unexpectedly. Trying to be supportive for her, stirred up feelings for me. Each time she cried I wanted to cry too. And as soon as I hung up, I wrapped myself in my blanket and did just that. Laid in the dark, in silence and just cried.

Its going on 2 years of a never ending cycle of grief. I have good days and I have bad ones. Sadly, today felt like it was going to be a struggle day. Not even in the mood to interact with others, I opted to drop my son off in the car drop off line rather than walk him to school. I went back home and sat in the car, inside the garage crying.

All I could think was: This cannot be my life!

I grip the steering wheel and just cry until my daughter opens the car door. As much as I try to conceal these emotions from my children, she usually catches me. She’s such a sweet girl. I hug her and just think why me? A Mother? Why?

A sea of my childhood memories creep in and I cry even harder. All I want is to give them what I didn’t have and raise them how I think they should be raised. Childhood should be enjoyable and memorable. Not traumatic and stressful. Aiming to be a little better than my Mother because she always told me to never strive to be just like her but to be better.

We got ourselves together and I started the car to get her to school. As we were leaving I tell her the potential plans for the weekend. We arrive to the school with time to spare so we rearrange her book bag. Looking through her notebooks and tablets, she has drawings in each one. I told her we would get her a sketchpad just for drawing so she doesn’t use up her notebook paper and tablets for non class related notes/drawings. She agreed, cleaned her glasses and exited the car. Before walking away she leaned in and said “Try to have a good day Mommie. Things will get better.” I nodded and told her to have a good day and I love her. “Love you too!”, she replied and walked across the street to school.

I drove off with the thought to go on my morning walk. But I felt more like hiding inside my house. I just wanted to hide from the world. Sit in my big comfy sweater, sweatpants and fuzzy socks, and cry. Cry all fucking day, getting myself together only to put on the “I’m ok!” mask before picking up the kids from school.

Grieving sucks. The shit is life changing and never ending. So treat everyone you cross paths with delicately. Be gentle with others and yourself. Some people are fighting demons larger than life and still attempting to appear OK.

SunDate: Kitty Hawk

Attempting to resume normal activities, I awoke early this morning with the idea to go on a SunDate. WheneverI have to travel, my first thought is Simba…how long will I be gone?…who can check on him?…should I take him? Can I take him?

The last question has always ended up as a “No”. Today I opted to bring him along. He was so excited yesterday when I told him he’d go on a road trip and then I left him…

I know…bad pet Mom…breaking promises…

Well yesterday I was close to the mountains so today I opted for the latter…and made my way to the beach…

Before making the decision to bring Simba, I was going to bring canvas and paint markers to finish a piece and start another…bringing him meant he’d need all my attention since this was his first car ride this long and to the beach.

Was I really going to do this? Sundays are for self care lol. Fuck it…come on S. Leon, let’s go.

He watched me pack up the car and lock up the house before hopping in the backseat and sitting quietly as if I’d forget his 88lb ass was sitting behind me lol

We started with a quick stop to get some treats and a small bag of dog food. Then gassed up, got some breakfast and got on the road.

An hour into the ride, I couldn’t breathe. Small disclaimer…somewhere along owning Simba, I developed an allergy of some sort. But I can’t bring myself to get rid of my him. I’ve rearranged where he sleeps and all just so I can keep him. It’s not official but he is definitely my emotional support pup. I’m ever so grateful he cannot talk…he knows all of my business…I tell him everything. Poor pup, he probably needs therapy.

Well we made our way to Kitty Hawk. I’d never been to the beach here and he’d never been to the beach period so I figured it would be special to share a first with him.

Traveling to the beach was easy, he put his head out the window and took a nap or five until we made it. Once he got out of the car he stretched, smiled and jumped on me for a hug then we were ready to get our feet in the sand. The beach wasn’t too populated today so finding a nice spot was effortless. I set up our area and he just took in the change in scenery for a while. Everything was going great until a group of people came and set up camp right next to us with a puppy.

Simba’s 1st Beach Trip

Simba is also quiet antisocial. He doesn’t really have dog friends other than Shortbread. He’s just like his Mom lol.

The puppy caused such chaos. I wanted to pack up and leave but I took the opportunity to show Simba he can coexist with other people and animals away from home. To get him to calm down, I had to pat his butt and repeat “sit” until he sat down, and then I had to rub his big body until he stopped shaking. This was going to be a long day…but we got this.

After about 3 more of those episodes where he almost took down our cabana, walked all over me and even once jumped in my lap, we were able to lay in the sun and just chill. The introduction to the ocean would come before we left.

Overall he did well on his first beach trip. Enjoying chicken meatballs and water, playing with his rope and putting sand all over me.

We managed to almost make it off the beach without being approached by any strangers!!! I was impressed. I began to think I need to bring Simba out more often, he’s my people shield lol.

He slept most of the way home before sticking his entire head out of the window to do real boy dog shit. We ended our adventurous day at Sonic Drive-Thru where we learned they to have pup cups!

This guy had the day of his life and it’s not even his birthday yet lol. I too enjoyed my crazy fur son and our QT. I can’t speak dog but I hope he knows I love and adore him and was glad to have him tag along on my SunDate.

Allow Me To Reintroduce Myself

Have you missed me???

It’s been about 2 months since my last blog post. And if I can be honest…I have actually missed writing (typing). However, trying to get back into the groove has been a little hard after not doing it for such a while. I’ve struggled to come up with a blog topic since I announced that I was back. So please bear with me while I get back into the swing of things.

Why did i take a break?

Life. Simply put I got distracted by a whole lot.

what happened during my break?

I took a couple of trips in and out of state. My parallel sibling deployed across the country. I started “Sundates”. I dropped my trash Internet service provider for T-Mobile Home Internet. My daughter graduated from Elementary School and returned to in-person instruction after being home for 2 years. I finally got my old HVAC unit out of my house and to the curb by myself. (I cursed the company that installed my new unit for having poor customer service and being unreliable assholes) I experienced a relationship hiccup. My daughter had a birthday. I discovered a great vegan restaurant during one of my conquests. I purchased paint markers and changed my life artistically. I finally got my hands on some Krispy Kreme Cinnamon rolls (they were so overrated). I managed to fit into my bridesmaid dress for my cousins wedding (I ceased all physical activity during my hiatus as well). I accumulated a garage full of pallets, thanks to my best friend for a project. Those pallets are still in tact in my garage. I interacted with my family for the first time since my Mother passed away. I’ve painted quite a bit, written absolutely nothing. My house locked me outside. I downsized my already microscopic circle. My oldest started middle school and my youngest started Kindergarten. I found out that my daughter’s vision was jacked and she had to get glasses. My son dislikes school and wants to stay home.

what’s next?

Well, I plan to not take another unannounced hiatus this year. And since I am an avid procrastinator, for accountability purposes I’m recording my blogging goals here.

  1. I plan to document my traveling journeys. I would love to document and share the details of our trips with pictures and links to must see attractions.
  2. I think I’m finally ready to release my first book for presale…(not really sure about this one). Sneak peak will be released here first!
  3. I love writing, and I’m really trying to get back to doing more of the things I love. Now that the kids are back in school, I will create a consistent blogging schedule.

I’ve missed my WordPress notifications so stay tuned…I’m glad to be back in my blogging element again.

Series Finale: Season 38, Episode 16

Realest quote!

Today was the day I’ve been waiting for since January 2020. AD-Day! Absolute Divorce/After Divorce Day, whatever.

For starters I am not anti-marriage. I know and understand that one bad apple doesn’t sour them all. But I do see marriage (the legally binding agreement itself) as being meaningless as it relates to an actual long-term relationship. And my feelings on this isn’t new. I felt this way for quite some time after I got married.

I was not able to wrap my mind around the fact that a piece of paper, a ceremony (regardless of where it occurred) and repeating words after someone else (or making up your own) constitutes your ability and desire to love and care for another human being for as long as you should live?

I began to disagree with the act of marriage for myself wholeheartedly. It has never stopped me from supporting friends and family who decide to take the plunge. For me, the piece of paper that is signed does nothing more than allow you to (if you wish) file taxes together. Two single individuals can love each other, have children together, buy property together, live together, make life altering decisions for one another, etc. Being married is not a requirement for accomplishing any of those things aforementioned. And the bonus is they can still love, care and cherish each other for as long as they shall live. No marriage involved.

So for a while as I sat unhappy trying to fix something that was irrepairable, I began to wonder where did marriage even originate? Like who came up with such tomfoolery? Did it come from the Bible? Did this act pre-date Biblical the days? I often asked these questions and had conversations like such with my ex-husband. Especially when things got hard between us. I didn’t want him to feel obligated to stick around if he was unhappy simply because we had this “contractual agreement”. I always made it crystal clear that in the event that I became unhappy, that I’d try to reconcile but ultimately I would never stay with anyone to just be tolerated, used and abused. There is so much more to life than faking the funk or trying to keep up appearances in order to not appear as a failure.

What I learned was that marriage initially had nothing to do with love or religion, but everything to do with legally binding women to men as guaranteed property? Father’s handed over their daughters to men as a house maid, cook and in-home aide to ensure that the mans’ offspring would be biologically his. But wait it gets worse…in the event that the woman suffered from infertility, she was able to be returned like a damaged Amazon order and the man was then free to search for a more fertile wife to replace her. Sounds a lot like slavery if you ask me. But these are merely just my opinions and my thoughts. Keep in mind, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. We are all adults and can agree to disagree or just keep scrolling.

Now, religion came into play around the 8th century and made marriage purely sexual. Religion now, made marriage about SEX. Smh. Marriage then meant that a man and woman had exclusive access to each other for their sexual needs and desires. (Still sounds a little slaveish to me but eh) But marrying for love…that came from the French during the Middle Ages. Even though during this time men were fighting to win over the heart of a woman, they were still seen as property of a man. It was taken one step further and this random thought that you may think I have was recognized as a legal doctrine called coverture. This implied that a woman’s identity was absorbed by marrying the man. The woman assumed the man’s last name as a way of surrending her identity which meant that the man represented them both no longer just himself. Terrible concept.

The thought of marriage has indeed come a long way. And it is still evolving. It wasn’t until the 1980s that marital rape was recognized as being a crime, because there was still the thought that the woman was property of the man sexually. Today, in many states men can marry men and women can marry women. Hell they are dropping the age that children can legally get married without parental consent which is quite alarming.

All I’m saying is to each its own in believing in and participating in marriage. Some people do it for status, ownership or as something they were taught or shown that they had to do. Become an adult, get married, have kids, etc.

As of today, the series of my life that led me to believe the order of living an adult life included marriage is officially and legally over. After many years of being tolerated, I stand firm on the belief that a certificate of marriage does not define my ability to love, respect, cherish, care for and support the one I love emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually and financially.

I found my everything outside of my ex-husband. Someone who provides me with peace, comfort, safety, loyalty, respect, communication, honesty and love. A piece of paper, a ceremony and recited words won’t be the deciding factor on us building, growing and loving each other as long as we both shall live…

And so she lived happily ever after…