Restart…Repeat

I woke up this morning, not much different than how I went to sleep last night. No appetite, not really wanting to get out of bed and just feeling blah.

I got the kids up for school. Got the little one dressed. Got their breakfast on the table and I sat in the bathroom sobbing for what felt like hours. My eyes red, puffy and swollen and my head aching. This is a never ending and unpredictable cycle. But as usual, I have to push through because I have no other option.

I’m almost certain this is a result of speaking to my cousin last night unexpectedly. Trying to be supportive for her, stirred up feelings for me. Each time she cried I wanted to cry too. And as soon as I hung up, I wrapped myself in my blanket and did just that. Laid in the dark, in silence and just cried.

Its going on 2 years of a never ending cycle of grief. I have good days and I have bad ones. Sadly, today felt like it was going to be a struggle day. Not even in the mood to interact with others, I opted to drop my son off in the car drop off line rather than walk him to school. I went back home and sat in the car, inside the garage crying.

All I could think was: This cannot be my life!

I grip the steering wheel and just cry until my daughter opens the car door. As much as I try to conceal these emotions from my children, she usually catches me. She’s such a sweet girl. I hug her and just think why me? A Mother? Why?

A sea of my childhood memories creep in and I cry even harder. All I want is to give them what I didn’t have and raise them how I think they should be raised. Childhood should be enjoyable and memorable. Not traumatic and stressful. Aiming to be a little better than my Mother because she always told me to never strive to be just like her but to be better.

We got ourselves together and I started the car to get her to school. As we were leaving I tell her the potential plans for the weekend. We arrive to the school with time to spare so we rearrange her book bag. Looking through her notebooks and tablets, she has drawings in each one. I told her we would get her a sketchpad just for drawing so she doesn’t use up her notebook paper and tablets for non class related notes/drawings. She agreed, cleaned her glasses and exited the car. Before walking away she leaned in and said “Try to have a good day Mommie. Things will get better.” I nodded and told her to have a good day and I love her. “Love you too!”, she replied and walked across the street to school.

I drove off with the thought to go on my morning walk. But I felt more like hiding inside my house. I just wanted to hide from the world. Sit in my big comfy sweater, sweatpants and fuzzy socks, and cry. Cry all fucking day, getting myself together only to put on the “I’m ok!” mask before picking up the kids from school.

Grieving sucks. The shit is life changing and never ending. So treat everyone you cross paths with delicately. Be gentle with others and yourself. Some people are fighting demons larger than life and still attempting to appear OK.

SunDate: Kitty Hawk

Attempting to resume normal activities, I awoke early this morning with the idea to go on a SunDate. WheneverI have to travel, my first thought is Simba…how long will I be gone?…who can check on him?…should I take him? Can I take him?

The last question has always ended up as a “No”. Today I opted to bring him along. He was so excited yesterday when I told him he’d go on a road trip and then I left him…

I know…bad pet Mom…breaking promises…

Well yesterday I was close to the mountains so today I opted for the latter…and made my way to the beach…

Before making the decision to bring Simba, I was going to bring canvas and paint markers to finish a piece and start another…bringing him meant he’d need all my attention since this was his first car ride this long and to the beach.

Was I really going to do this? Sundays are for self care lol. Fuck it…come on S. Leon, let’s go.

He watched me pack up the car and lock up the house before hopping in the backseat and sitting quietly as if I’d forget his 88lb ass was sitting behind me lol

We started with a quick stop to get some treats and a small bag of dog food. Then gassed up, got some breakfast and got on the road.

An hour into the ride, I couldn’t breathe. Small disclaimer…somewhere along owning Simba, I developed an allergy of some sort. But I can’t bring myself to get rid of my him. I’ve rearranged where he sleeps and all just so I can keep him. It’s not official but he is definitely my emotional support pup. I’m ever so grateful he cannot talk…he knows all of my business…I tell him everything. Poor pup, he probably needs therapy.

Well we made our way to Kitty Hawk. I’d never been to the beach here and he’d never been to the beach period so I figured it would be special to share a first with him.

Traveling to the beach was easy, he put his head out the window and took a nap or five until we made it. Once he got out of the car he stretched, smiled and jumped on me for a hug then we were ready to get our feet in the sand. The beach wasn’t too populated today so finding a nice spot was effortless. I set up our area and he just took in the change in scenery for a while. Everything was going great until a group of people came and set up camp right next to us with a puppy.

Simba’s 1st Beach Trip

Simba is also quiet antisocial. He doesn’t really have dog friends other than Shortbread. He’s just like his Mom lol.

The puppy caused such chaos. I wanted to pack up and leave but I took the opportunity to show Simba he can coexist with other people and animals away from home. To get him to calm down, I had to pat his butt and repeat “sit” until he sat down, and then I had to rub his big body until he stopped shaking. This was going to be a long day…but we got this.

After about 3 more of those episodes where he almost took down our cabana, walked all over me and even once jumped in my lap, we were able to lay in the sun and just chill. The introduction to the ocean would come before we left.

Overall he did well on his first beach trip. Enjoying chicken meatballs and water, playing with his rope and putting sand all over me.

We managed to almost make it off the beach without being approached by any strangers!!! I was impressed. I began to think I need to bring Simba out more often, he’s my people shield lol.

He slept most of the way home before sticking his entire head out of the window to do real boy dog shit. We ended our adventurous day at Sonic Drive-Thru where we learned they to have pup cups!

This guy had the day of his life and it’s not even his birthday yet lol. I too enjoyed my crazy fur son and our QT. I can’t speak dog but I hope he knows I love and adore him and was glad to have him tag along on my SunDate.

Allow Me To Reintroduce Myself

Have you missed me???

It’s been about 2 months since my last blog post. And if I can be honest…I have actually missed writing (typing). However, trying to get back into the groove has been a little hard after not doing it for such a while. I’ve struggled to come up with a blog topic since I announced that I was back. So please bear with me while I get back into the swing of things.

Why did i take a break?

Life. Simply put I got distracted by a whole lot.

what happened during my break?

I took a couple of trips in and out of state. My parallel sibling deployed across the country. I started “Sundates”. I dropped my trash Internet service provider for T-Mobile Home Internet. My daughter graduated from Elementary School and returned to in-person instruction after being home for 2 years. I finally got my old HVAC unit out of my house and to the curb by myself. (I cursed the company that installed my new unit for having poor customer service and being unreliable assholes) I experienced a relationship hiccup. My daughter had a birthday. I discovered a great vegan restaurant during one of my conquests. I purchased paint markers and changed my life artistically. I finally got my hands on some Krispy Kreme Cinnamon rolls (they were so overrated). I managed to fit into my bridesmaid dress for my cousins wedding (I ceased all physical activity during my hiatus as well). I accumulated a garage full of pallets, thanks to my best friend for a project. Those pallets are still in tact in my garage. I interacted with my family for the first time since my Mother passed away. I’ve painted quite a bit, written absolutely nothing. My house locked me outside. I downsized my already microscopic circle. My oldest started middle school and my youngest started Kindergarten. I found out that my daughter’s vision was jacked and she had to get glasses. My son dislikes school and wants to stay home.

what’s next?

Well, I plan to not take another unannounced hiatus this year. And since I am an avid procrastinator, for accountability purposes I’m recording my blogging goals here.

  1. I plan to document my traveling journeys. I would love to document and share the details of our trips with pictures and links to must see attractions.
  2. I think I’m finally ready to release my first book for presale…(not really sure about this one). Sneak peak will be released here first!
  3. I love writing, and I’m really trying to get back to doing more of the things I love. Now that the kids are back in school, I will create a consistent blogging schedule.

I’ve missed my WordPress notifications so stay tuned…I’m glad to be back in my blogging element again.

Series Finale: Season 38, Episode 16

Realest quote!

Today was the day I’ve been waiting for since January 2020. AD-Day! Absolute Divorce/After Divorce Day, whatever.

For starters I am not anti-marriage. I know and understand that one bad apple doesn’t sour them all. But I do see marriage (the legally binding agreement itself) as being meaningless as it relates to an actual long-term relationship. And my feelings on this isn’t new. I felt this way for quite some time after I got married.

I was not able to wrap my mind around the fact that a piece of paper, a ceremony (regardless of where it occurred) and repeating words after someone else (or making up your own) constitutes your ability and desire to love and care for another human being for as long as you should live?

I began to disagree with the act of marriage for myself wholeheartedly. It has never stopped me from supporting friends and family who decide to take the plunge. For me, the piece of paper that is signed does nothing more than allow you to (if you wish) file taxes together. Two single individuals can love each other, have children together, buy property together, live together, make life altering decisions for one another, etc. Being married is not a requirement for accomplishing any of those things aforementioned. And the bonus is they can still love, care and cherish each other for as long as they shall live. No marriage involved.

So for a while as I sat unhappy trying to fix something that was irrepairable, I began to wonder where did marriage even originate? Like who came up with such tomfoolery? Did it come from the Bible? Did this act pre-date Biblical the days? I often asked these questions and had conversations like such with my ex-husband. Especially when things got hard between us. I didn’t want him to feel obligated to stick around if he was unhappy simply because we had this “contractual agreement”. I always made it crystal clear that in the event that I became unhappy, that I’d try to reconcile but ultimately I would never stay with anyone to just be tolerated, used and abused. There is so much more to life than faking the funk or trying to keep up appearances in order to not appear as a failure.

What I learned was that marriage initially had nothing to do with love or religion, but everything to do with legally binding women to men as guaranteed property? Father’s handed over their daughters to men as a house maid, cook and in-home aide to ensure that the mans’ offspring would be biologically his. But wait it gets worse…in the event that the woman suffered from infertility, she was able to be returned like a damaged Amazon order and the man was then free to search for a more fertile wife to replace her. Sounds a lot like slavery if you ask me. But these are merely just my opinions and my thoughts. Keep in mind, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. We are all adults and can agree to disagree or just keep scrolling.

Now, religion came into play around the 8th century and made marriage purely sexual. Religion now, made marriage about SEX. Smh. Marriage then meant that a man and woman had exclusive access to each other for their sexual needs and desires. (Still sounds a little slaveish to me but eh) But marrying for love…that came from the French during the Middle Ages. Even though during this time men were fighting to win over the heart of a woman, they were still seen as property of a man. It was taken one step further and this random thought that you may think I have was recognized as a legal doctrine called coverture. This implied that a woman’s identity was absorbed by marrying the man. The woman assumed the man’s last name as a way of surrending her identity which meant that the man represented them both no longer just himself. Terrible concept.

The thought of marriage has indeed come a long way. And it is still evolving. It wasn’t until the 1980s that marital rape was recognized as being a crime, because there was still the thought that the woman was property of the man sexually. Today, in many states men can marry men and women can marry women. Hell they are dropping the age that children can legally get married without parental consent which is quite alarming.

All I’m saying is to each its own in believing in and participating in marriage. Some people do it for status, ownership or as something they were taught or shown that they had to do. Become an adult, get married, have kids, etc.

As of today, the series of my life that led me to believe the order of living an adult life included marriage is officially and legally over. After many years of being tolerated, I stand firm on the belief that a certificate of marriage does not define my ability to love, respect, cherish, care for and support the one I love emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually and financially.

I found my everything outside of my ex-husband. Someone who provides me with peace, comfort, safety, loyalty, respect, communication, honesty and love. A piece of paper, a ceremony and recited words won’t be the deciding factor on us building, growing and loving each other as long as we both shall live…

And so she lived happily ever after…

The Countdown

It’s March!!! I’ve been a little absent working on a huge project that I am hoping will change the trajectory of my “career”. As a devout Healthcare IT Professional, I am feeling uninterested, disengaged and unfocused on my 10+ year career choice. While I love my job, my employer and what I do, I no longer find it fulfilling. I know there is something else that I am suppose to be doing that has a much greater purpose.

In an effort to tap into this intuitive feeling of changing directions in my life professionally, I created my own business (again). Except this time, it is a solo venture. I use to love the idea of going into business with a close friend. You know, I eat, they eat, we are all happy and thriving. Nope. People are selfish and self-centered and often times not loyal, honest or trustworthy.

As creative as I am, I find myself doubting my abilities a lot. I suppress my own talents by being afraid not only of failure but also of success and the unknown. Well one day I jumped completely off the ledge into the abyss of owning a business all of my own. I have ideas on pages in journals and in notes on my iPad and phone of things that I want to do. Some I’ve already put into place, others, I’m not sure where to begin. I wrote a book. Completed a few eBooks, working on a Mindful Art course and a grief support group as I felt isolated, unheard, and uncared for by those close to me as I continue to drag myself through this ghetto ass process of grieving. Grief definitely changes you as a person and while losing my Mother created a huge shift in my life, it has not been all negative. If she’s watching, reading, or hovering near I hope she knows I am going to continue to make her proud. I’m not sure what else to do at this point anyways.

The sad part about March is the one year anniversary of my Mom’s transition. This brings about a lot of emotions. I feel like a fortune teller. As if this is all unreal and I am simply predicting a future event, hence reliving the day all over again.

On top of a few exciting business endeavors, March also brings warm weather which allows me to get back to running. (YAY!!!) Never thought I’d be happy to run recreationally after getting out of the Army lol. But the most exciting part of March is that my Baby Love comes home!!! A short hiatus is imminent while we reconnect and reset but stay tuned for all the great things to come. I’m sure there may be a few days where I the urge to blog will strike but I want to spend time uninterrupted with my Love. It’s been way too long.

You are Magic!

Magic (ma-jic)
an extraordinary power or influence seemingly from a supernatural source

The attempt to define magic is difficult at best. It is used more as a word to describe, rather than one that can be defined. The same can be said for who you are. We attempt to define ourselves, yet no adequate words exist to describe the complexity of who we are. We can describe what we look like, the type of work we perform, our ethnic heritage or gender. Yet, that comes nowhere near the truth of what animates your being. You are a mystery. You are magic. 

Scientists have been searching for the origins and meaning of existence since the beginning of time as we know it. Various religions have been born out of an attempt to define the indefinable. We often engage in the endless pursuit to define who we are, where we came from and what is the purpose of our existence. We often times measure ourselves against others and their accomplishments. We are overwhelmed each day with media images of what is thought to be acceptable or unacceptable in the eyes of society. There is always an ongoing quest to explain the unexplainable.

Truth of the matter is, you are who you are and that is ever changing. You are amazing. Every morning when you open your eyes, you begin a new journey. The choices and decisions that you make color and change who you are. You are a unique, magical being. Have you forgotten this? Have you allowed the world to take away your magic and dull your sparkle? Each time you have a thought or task and give it life- you are creating! From preparing a meal for your family or doodling on paper during a meeting. Everything you do adds a different layer to who you are. Life is a complete mystery and by accepting this fact you become one with it and are able to maneuver though it. 

Think back and remember the last time you were really in tune with something you wanted to accomplish. Remember how easy and enjoyable it was to put together all the pieces of the puzzle to create the final outcome? You were not anxious or the least bit concerned about what other people were thinking or doing. You were one with the energy of your creation. That same dynamic is possible in all aspects of your life. By becoming one with the magical energy of who you are, you create. In the same token, you can also create your own limitations by putting up walls of fear and inadequacy.

So…embrace your power; consider what you create each and everyday and don’t sell yourself short. If you can put together the ingredients to make a cake, you can use the same recipe to create anything else you desire. Create a recipe that works for you. Be consistent with the energy of what you want to bring into your life. If you have made several attempts with no apparent success- try a different way. Add or remove something from the recipe. Be in tune with the Universal force of magic. 

Where is your energy at this moment? Are you focusing on life affirming activities or caught up with what someone else is doing or not doing? Is your energy directed on how to get someone else to change or do what you want him or her to do? What is the topic of most of your conversations? Think about the last conversation you had- were you sharing hopes, dreams and ideas or were you complaining about how things are not going the way you want them to? A large percentage of our words, thoughts and energy are given to what is going on around us. By understanding and knowing that you are a powerful, magical being- you regain the power that is wasted on things you cannot control. You cannot control another persons emotions or actions. If someone is in your life and they are causing you distress- it is because of your choice to allow them to remain part of your life. If you are not happy with the situation you are in, you have a choice to change it. You are not your past. You are not what someone did to you or what was taken from you. The events and people in your life have served to shape who you are at this very moment. The events of today, will further hone who you are tomorrow- and so on.

To become a truly empowered being, you have to reach deep down inside of yourself and utilize your own power. It is not important as to what your spiritual or theological beliefs are. What is important is that you understand the fact that you are a creator. What do you want to create? Peace, harmony and joy or chaos and drama? Are you always feeling angry and frustrated? Being angry or frustrated is only beneficial if it serves to steer you another direction. Conflict can sometimes be an incredible catalyst for change if you use the energy to move. Choose to take a different path or look at things from a different perspective. It does not matter how you do it, the important takeaway is that you get into a place that you want to be. 

You are who you are and that is perfect. Do not allow anything or anyone to diminish and cage your personal power. Allowing your inner self to grow and blossom is a process. Enjoy the journey!