Uncovering the Unseen

I woke up at 5:30am in the best mood despite my head throbbing from last night. Without washing my face or brushing my teeth, I crawled out of bed. I picked up my fur therapist and told him “Good Morning” with my amazing breath. Collected my thoughts, adjusted my eyes to the darkness and exited the bedroom to head to my office…upstairs. I’m back in “secure the bags” mode and for those who know me, knows that it gets real serious when I’m in this space.

So, I log in, get my ambiance together in my office and start working. I’m in the zone, trying to meet my productivity goal early because it’s Veteran’s Day. And although I haven’t participated in a few years, today I wanted to attempt to reap the benefits of having served in the Armed Forces.

I go to set my alarm, because I have to clock in and out for one job and I’m terrible at it because I’ve been an exempt employee for 10+ years. But I make it work. As I go into the screen to set the alarm, I’m presented with a tip. You know, those wonderful tidbits that encourage you to use your expensive mobile device for something other than making videos, texting and chatting.

Had both my parents been alive (not even well, just alive!), this wouldn’t have prompted the extremely ugly sob session that I endured. But let me tell you…

Immediately I text one of my best friends because if I don’t, it stays on my mind all day and it puts me in a place I don’t like to be. I’m sure she gets tired of me but she gets what I’m going through. She doesn’t feed me the normal, “it’s going to be ok”, “this too shall pass” or “I’m sorry”. She tells me honestly that this shit sucks, some days are better than others and it’s ok that I have these feelings and moments. She shares her experiences and memories with me and I feel understood. I feel heard. She doesn’t make me feel stupid for how I feel or discredits my feelings. And she doesn’t spew the “you’re strong speech”. I hope she knows I appreciate her a lot. Grief is a hard road to navigate and it requires special people in your corner to help you through.

I’m a parentless child. Yes, child, because even an adult is still seen as a child to their parents no matter their age. I lost my Father when I was 24 and still looking for the love I wish he had given me and that I’ll never receive this lifetime. And then I lost my Mother/Best Friend/My Everything when I was 36 and I’ll never be the same.

Simple strings of text like the one shared above can really fuck me up and put me in a terrible mood. This is my cellular device encouraging me to use one of the “neat” features on my phone. Well it just reminded me that when I need to remember a family story, I have to just ponder and that makes me extremely sad. I can’t verbally tell any of my devices to call either of my parents anymore. No 5G signal reaches them. I no longer have any voicemails thanks to the asshole that is my ex husband. I cry because I don’t think I remember my Father’s voice at all. And watching videos of me and my Mom makes me smile and cry at the same time.

Be kind. Be gentle. The world is a very angry place these days and some of us are constantly reminded that we are here alone and it sucks. Grief is a bitch.