I created a whole new level in my friendships lol. There is friend, best friend and now very best friend. Let’s be clear, I don’t possess a lot of friends. And most of my friends are guys because, I have just never really been able to vibe with females. They are catty, always in secret competition with you and then just not trustworthy. I have three female friends. But when I really break down our relationship, I have one. The other two are actually relatives. My male friends…I have four. One is much older than me and he’s like my mentor. He’s helped me through a lot and I him. Three of them are close in age or went to school with me. And one of them I met when I relocated and we just have always kept in touch. All of them are a thorn in my side because they treat me like kid sister.
Well now I have a very best friend. This title is exclusive. This very best friend knows me inside and out. We share some of the most intimate moments together. We share dreams, goals, fears and wishes for the future. He’s my other half. This level of friendship is like no other friendship I’ve had before. One where I am free to be me (I am always me, sorry) but I don’t feel like I’ve offended anyone or have someone feel a way about something I’ve said or done. He’s the one who isn’t afraid to give it to me straight, tell me what’s on his mind and put me in my place when needed.
Very best friend…I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him…you know until the end.
When I woke this morning as usual I thanked those that had a hand in waking me up. I thanked them for all that I have and all that I’m to receive. This is normally how I start my day before I fall out of my bed. I don’t have to move, I just lay or sit in silence and give gratitude for the good things, the bad things, all things…because they all have a purpose.
Afterwards, I rolled over on my back and stared at the ceiling. The thought that came across my mind was, “I am just exisitng these days…what happened?” I have no true schedule, no routine. My life is like a Christmas snowglobe that someone curiously picked up off a shelf and shook the fuck out of. There’s shit everywhere (figuratively of course, because I’m a little OCD), everything is out of place, and there is no order. Chaos. Things are so shaken up that you can’t tell what use to be where.
I’m in the process of trying to sort it all out. I’m taking some time to myself. Not that this is out of the norm but right now I have to find me. Like really find me. Somewhere between December 2020 and April 2021, I lost the person I once knew. And I joke that I’ve sustained quite a few head injuries in the past year so my memory is not the greatest because of that. But I’m so serious.
Today after lots of reflection, I made the conscious decision to live and to find a way to do so everyday when I wake. Because when you just merely exist you tend to fade away, you miss out on the joy and peace that this lifetime has to offer. My intention is never to fade away but to live in the moment, spread love and genuinely be happy. (I promise I was a hippie in one of my past lives) I don’t think I can do any of those things by merely existing. And there are no memories in just existing.
After sitting with myself most of the day I answered myself… I don’t need a routine. I just need to live…
I have to stop trying to control every aspect of life with a schedule or a routine. And instead, go with the flow.
And then I asked myself how do i began…
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