Phobia

Never do I feel compelled to write when I’m happy, only when I’m sad, hurting or angry…

It’s rare that I just sit…like just literally sit and do nothing.

I did that today. For once, I honestly wanted to talk to someone…but I don’t want to be a bother…and I don’t want to be interrupted…and I don’t want to be criticized…and I don’t want to be dismissed…I felt like I had too many stipulations for a conversation so I opted to just sit…

One question came to mind…

Why are you so nice?

EveryFuckingOne

This is such a loaded question. I’m sure most people could spit a response out quicker than I could blink. Me, however by the time the question is fully formed, I’ve ruined the conversation a million times in my head. And the only suitable response is “I don’t know.” This is the one response I dislike for my children to give me. I always explain to the them that they experience an emotion based on a thought or a feeling. And if you are feeling a certain type of way there is an emotion to describe why you feel this way. I give them examples…I am sad because you yelled. I am angry because I want to play. I am hurt because I fell down. I am happy because I have ice cream.

It was time to re-evaluate myself, my life and the circumstances that I’ve created…and so many thoughts flood my mind…dammit, didn’t we do this in Miami? UGHHHHHHHH

It takes nothing to be kind right…shiiiiiiiit…it also takes thick skin, therapy, tequila, shrooms, weed and a few close friends.

Truth be told, I am nice to people mostly because I was raised to treat others how I want to be treated and not in response to how they treat me. This is a positive and negative personality trait to have. But just because I’m nice doesn’t mean I trust you 100%. I will give you enough rope to either hang yourself or show me that you’re loyal. Tests are not games, but merely a way of gauging how to handle a person. Given the damage on the exterior of my heart, I think I am allowed to perform such tests. And I wouldn’t oblige if someone tested me…

Opening up your heart to someone is the epitome of vulnerability. I haven’t done it a lot in life. But for every time that I have, I’ve lost that person. The most recent episode of life has put me in such a place that I am truly afraid of letting my guard down. I think I owe it to myself to be a little guarded to avoid getting into any more situations that will leave me “hurt”.

I can honestly say that I am afraid of getting hurt again. I don’t know that I will recover…