Dragging

Each morning is like a bad dream. I trusted yet another man with my deepest and darkest fears, my dreams, my goals.

Every day I have to remind myself that I can get through this no matter how much it feels like I just will never. All I wanted was for him to just do one of the many things he said he’d do to show me he was truly different. I just wanted to have to stop begging to be talked to. I just wanted a hug when I was dealing with all that menopause had to offer. I just wanted to go out and have fun and not sit in front of the TV as the only source of entertainment. I wanted someone to cook with, enjoy the kids with, travel with. And as much as I kept asking what he really wanted out of the relationship, I was constantly met with a question instead of an answer or something so vague that it made me question his intentions a lot but I naively discarded those thoughts quickly. Each time until I couldn’t.

I looked past his past life, things he had done that he wasn’t proud of. I tried to be nothing short of supportive when he was going through the mental turmoil of his trial. I didn’t judge him. I actually loved this man and thought the world of him. I saw more potential in him than he saw in himself. I continued to be positive. Praying that he stay mentally intact to make it through this rough time. I stuck by his side. When his ex was ridiculing and being petty making fun of his possible demise, I still remained positive. Encouraging him to ignore the negative and have faith. And even when he didn’t. I tried to have the faith and positivity on his behalf.

I don’t have to throw around all the things I did for him but I have to remind myself that the things he said leading to my ultimate decision to end things were not true and are debunked by all those actions and more. He was upset and was just saying hurtful things because he was hurting. He didn’t realize that before all this I was with him hurting and even then it nor I seemed important. So his words just solidified all my intrusive thoughts. And knowing that I live in my head, he didn’t openly communicate with me to assure me that he truly loved me.

I opened my heart, my home and my children up to someone who couldn’t even SHOW me he cared or loved me when I desperately was begging for it. I didn’t want money. I just wanted to be seen, heard, respected , supported and appreciated. See me, hug me, love me, talk to me about anything and everything. Be my friend. After 4 years, I thought things would be different. Thought there would be some improvement but things kept getting worse. The “break” ended before it ever started because his pride and ego were larger than life, the professional help that I had for us, he made excuses for not using, resources I shared were always forgotten but I was always to blame for things not “going right”. Verbal abuse began between us via text and phone calls and I felt trapped back in my toxic marriage and I wanted out. So I got out. Even in me exiting, he didn’t try to DO anything to change my mind. To show me the better that he was doing. He just continued to say more and more hateful things. I’m in menopause. I’m hormonal, emotional and this definitely requires the support of an emotionally secure man. And a man that knows his partner well enough to be able to identify when she is herself and when she’s having a “flare” and to ignore it because it’s something she can’t control and will pass quickly. The feelings of being an inadequate woman because I don’t have control over my body during this time. The intrusive thoughts about my body image. Worrying if I was the cause of his erectile issues. Just so much mentally that I was dealing with and still trying to support him and our relationship, work, maintain the home bc he wanted to travel for work and raise children. But it seems he just wanted to get himself together at the expense of tying up my time, using my home as storage and wanting me to continue to “foot bills” while he got it together instead of working with me. Wanting to meet me where I was in life when I was trying to SHARE my life with him so he didn’t have to start from scratch bc the time ain’t there. I see how pressed I was for love and support now and I can say I am ashamed and I regret wasting his time too because I should have let him go before he was incarcerated.

Now I have to stop feeling bad and beating myself up because he didn’t put action behind the words he chose to share with me. He cheated on me and then shared that he regretted telling me after lying to me and saying that I could take whatever time I needed to get through it. I loved him way more than he loved me and I was too blind to see it. This was never what he wanted. At each point where he got down he wanted to return back to the toxicity that he told me he no longer wanted. I believed him each time he came back with an excuse. And each time he got more comfortable.

Exiting jail with someone else controlling his every movement, seemed to have turned him into a bit of a controlling man because he wasn’t like that before. He was no longer ok with how I lived and loved life. He was no longer ok with my children. He didn’t like them, didn’t want to talk to them just like he didn’t want to talk to me. They began to resent me and not want to be with me. So I have menopause mental instability coupled with resentment from my children and then my support was attacking me.

So today I have to officially let go of the thoughts of what could have been with this relationship. I have to accept that it’s going to take some consistent therapy and time to do so. I was certain that this was my “happily ever after”. I tried to do things differently in this relationship than in my last. Sharing my relationship wants up front. Sharing my boundaries. Explaining that due to my relationship with my late Father I don’t know how to and cannot allow myself to depend or NEED anyone because I’ve constantly had to show up for myself because everyone else just wants to tell me what to do, tell me what they think I want to hear and not really help do anything. Being more vulnerable than I’ve ever been with anyone, sharing things about myself that I’m working on but may screw up from time to time and asking for grace.

Every time I think I’ve experienced the worst type of hurt I’m presented with more. How I currently feel is how I felt after being raped. Empty. Used. Abused. Worthless. And to think when I shared this with him in my most vulnerable state he promised to never let anyone hurt me. But it ended up being him who hurt me the worse by breaking what pieces of my heart I had left.

It’s going to take me a long time to grieve this lost too. Here’s my first step…

I forgive you Ray. I thank you for the years that you definitely made me happy. They were absolutely wonderful. You taught me how to love in a different way and I will always appreciate that. I’m sorry that things didn’t work out as we hoped and I’m disappointed that you weren’t able to respectfully end things so that we could remain friends. I have love in my heart for you always and I wish you nothing but the best.