It’s self-care Sunday.

I was kid free and refused to be bored. Usually I’d huff and puff about driving but legit, where the fuck do I go for real. So I got a little cute and hopped in the car headed to brunch for one at a vegan spot recommended by my cousin.

As I drove I remember the weekends that I was out and about early…just to enjoy the day. Ok, maybe not just to enjoy the day but to run away from the house because I didn’t have to work but same thing, same thing. I rolled my windows down, turned the radio up and I cruised the speed limit because I had time to kill and no real place to be.

The drive started to get a little rough the hungrier I got lol. I finally made it downtown and realized I had to park on the side of the street. And then walk a block or so to the restaurant. I was slightly buzzed for aesthetics and had on comfy shoes so I didn’t stress it much.

I “eek’d” inside when I saw they had outdoor seating. I obviously didn’t do my homework like I normally do for restaurant sampling. I didn’t look at any reviews. I just took my cousin’s word for it bc “foodies”…they be knowing and we are never off lol. And I was hungry lol.

I was seated immediately. And even though I’ve viewed the menu briefly on the walk over, I still don’t know what I want. I settled on my drink, ordered a sangria and began to people watch. I wish I had wore my sunglasses because it’s awkward people watching with my regular glasses. Yea I’m one of those, call me weird. I look around and there are some couples (awe cute) and some girlfriends brunching. I’m the only solo shorty. I started to miss my Baby Love…Time I think. Something we don’t have enough of and when we get it, it goes so fast and we do so little of nothing.

Element Gatropub’s Chick’n and Waffles with Tofu Scramble & Peach Sangria

**Deep sigh** I eat, I get depressed, orange gets stuck in my straw and I can’t finish my sangria. I turn up the glass, I pay and leave. My mind takes seat on a rollercoaster. I couldn’t keep up even if I was taking notes.

My Mind: Go get my eyebrows threaded. It’s past due, I’m close by and I really only like them doing my brows. Oh wait, Cinnaholic…remember you wanted one so bad but when you finally got it, one wasn’t enough? Ooooh call Best Friend so you can go and play with the baby. Babies make everything better. What about ice cream at the park? It’s hot outside. I don’t want to sweat. I was bold wearing white today like I don’t always drop something on my clothes when I eat. But I made it thus far.

I know I changed the GPS like 3 times.

My Mind: Go get cinnamon roll first because, dessert. No get brows done first they close the soonest. It’s ok get cinnamon roll first because I have the munchies. We can get eyebrows done later. Later when? We are not coming back this way anytime soon. Shit ok, let’s go. Which one first again?

Well Cinnaholic won. I made it over there. Created a sweet roll of diabetes and barely made it back to the car before licking the icing off the cardboard container interior top. (Wanted to be very clear for all the technical people who would cringe thinking I licked the exterior side of the container) Ate some before I backed out and promised myself I’d stop eating it until I got to the eyebrow spot. I drive across town to the eyebrow spot trying not to crash while eating this cinnamon roll with cake batter icing, pecans, chocolate chip cookie dough and caramel sauce. I pull up only to find a handwritten note on the door saying they had closed early. Ugh. I back up and head on home.

Cinnaholic: CYO-Cake Batter icing, with Pecans, Chocolate Chip cookie dough and Caramel sauce

My Mind: Fuzzy brows it is…oh well. You should of came here first instead of going to Cinnaholic. I miss my Baby Love. This drive is too long. I hate people. I hate driving but not as much as I hate not being able to GO. I should of gotten another cinnamon roll. I’m going to be bored when I get home. I’m going to change my spark plugs myself because YouTube University will show me. *instantly ill* Take this bra off. We can’t breathe and no one is going to see us. Thank you! *relief but still ill* I’m going in the house and get in the bed. I hate it here. I don’t want to have to pay a mechanic because I fucked up my car. What is today again? How did we get here? The day was promising right? No? Ok. Turn the TV on. Omg noise, turn it off. Turn on some light, it’s too bright in here. Turn off light. Turn on TV, mute the TV. Snuggle under the covers. It’s cold under here. There’s never any dick in this house. *I’m angry*

In an effort to shut off my mind I ball myself up real tight (so I don’t get the urge to pee) and go to sleep. This was the worse date I’ve taken myself on in a while. The food was a 10/10. My mood was just a -10/10 and that ruined the entire remainder of date.

Let’s try again next Sunday shall we?

Self-Care Sunday: Unplug

As an IT professional, I appreciate this self-care check.

To reset almost anything in life we unplug it from its power source for a few minutes, turn it off and then back on again or restart it. We aren’t any different.

Take a moment if possible today and unplug. Go into nature or sit in silence. Just be present in the moment.

Enjoy your Sunday!

Legally Single…

I rarely read the newspaper, involve myself with reality TV or watch the news. The world could be ending, but I’d be enjoying life and not even aware. Today an article popped up that maybe I needed to see. The headline read: Kim Kardashian West Asks Judge To Be Declared Legally Single Amid Kanye West Divorce.

I’m feeling this Kimberly!!!

I read through the article and felt a sense of familiarity to a statement that Kim made. Once upon a time co-parenting and the happiness of my kids was also a priority. And then one day that dumb fucker made me almost revisit a place I promised myself to never go again.

I replay that day in my head a lot. My peace was disturbed, my space was invaded, I felt disrespected, manipulated and backed into a corner for the absolute last time in my life. I was ready to choose violence over my freedom. And oddly it wasn’t my kids that changed my mind.

I always attribute a big life changing situation to a person or people. For example I purchased my home to provide my kids with a nice and beautiful place to live, and to one day inherit. I went to college to establish a lucrative career to be able to take care of my Mom and later my own family. I’ve never really just done something or reacted a certain way depending upon how it would affect just me.

This particular day I couldn’t even cry in that moment no matter how furious I felt. I opted to not put that asshole on a t-shirt for ME. Because for once I was happy. I was in a good place in life. I was/am deserving of the love I found and have. And I wasn’t going to give this idiot the pleasure of allowing me to take him out of his misery simply because I was “violated”.

After that I gave up the thought of co-parenting and doing all I could to make my kids comfortable and happy through the devastating event of divorce.

Welcome to Jumanji kids…aka Life.

Shit isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. Just like people you love die, so does the relationships of people you love. Sometimes the people are true adults and it’s easy and the kids are able to experience that continued happiness. And then there’s times where both of the people aren’t adults and the best thing they can do is to disconnect and allow each other to take advantage of the space and time to “grow” with the situation as well as grow up.

This was me choosing ME. If I could do the day over again I wouldn’t change a single detail. It was needed and necessary no matter how stressful it was. I felt like it was a test. And I feel that I passed regardless of my current circumstances. Today I’m accepting because of my decision I won’t have a break, I’m a damn good Single Mother and money is tight as hell. But it won’t be like this always. It’s a temporary situation.

Now let me check our state and see if I too can ask the judge to declare me legally single amid my divorce 😉

And Then There’s Me…

In a large room there are women with long flowing hair and short pixie cuts. Expensive weaves with nicely laid baby hair; Mongolian, Malaysian, Brazilian. Neatly parted box braids, faux locs and twists. Traditional dreads, teenie weenie afros, voluptuous curls, kinky curly styled tresses that are neat, styled, unruly or free forming. Full faces of makeup…Bobby Brown, Fenty, MAC and Bare Minerals. Nicely drawn eyebrows, firmly placed individual lashes or strips. Colored contacts. Perfectly contoured cheekbones and noses with bronzer and what appears to be sparkly fairy dust. Lips lined, filled and plump with a glossy, matte or satin finish. Rocking designer threads, some leaving absolutely nothing to the human imagination and others thrifty and well put together. Bodies made by Dr. Miami, some off shore clinic in Columbia or Mexico and then those naturally made and approved by good home cooked meals, vegetarian and vegan diets and gym routines. Manicured nails and toes, stiletto, coffin, round, and square shaped beautiful and unique nail designs. Tall, short, light, dark, plus sized, skinny, fit and unfit, freckled, flawless, young and old…they are all beautiful in their own way. Some fighting for the spotlight, an area in the front of the crowd, hoping for all the attention or admiring themselves in their camera or in the camera lens of someone else.

And then there’s an awkward girl, attempting to stay unseen in the back of the crowd of well put together women. Intuitively feeling all of their insecurities, arrogance, self-centeredness, self-love, self-compassion and self-confidence or the lack thereof. With her finger styled two toned locs, thin at the crown, with pieces of gray hair, unarched and sparse eyebrows, sad but somewhat bright eyes that sat behind big framed glasses. Bare but speckled face from many years of fighting teenage acne even as an adult. Sparse lashes and a big ass hanging bottom lip that was passed down from her Grandfather that concealed her gap teeth that were slightly permanently yellowed thanks to the consumption of a trial cancer medication side effect. No Boundaries Walmart shirt, with a pair of ripped Burlington Coat Factory jeans and some dirty soled Converses. She stands at what she believes to be average height, with a weird frame due to fluctuating weight gain and loss because of grief, depression and just utter complications of life. She watches the ladies in front of her in admiration wishing she cared as much as they did about appearances.

She doesn’t understand the women who stand before her but she respects them. She doesn’t truly care to understand them because just as she stands in the back of the crowd. She doesn’t desire to stand out. She is perfectly ok with just existing. She is me…

In all my awkwardness I truly love me. I don’t need the praise and approval of others. I love the skin I’m in. Every scar, bump and bruise has a story. Some good and some bad. Center of attention? I hate it. Spotlight? I’d rather not. Physical appearance is cool and I believe that everyone is beautiful no matter what they look like. But my pure heart is what I care about most. I care and I give. I’m naturally empathetic and sympathetic to others. And that’s to include total strangers. In this particular story, episode, or simulation of life, I just want peace and happiness…not attention. Not all the extra, not competition for material things or status. And that’s not to say, I can’t put on all those things (besides the body by Dr. Miami) when I absolutely have to. Or that I don’t have nice things. But they are not a necessity in my life.

This post was simply to give myself some grace and to pay homage to this body that my soul is currently occupying. Life is hard. Grief is just stupid and people don’t cease to amaze me. Returning back to the clouded bubble that is my life. Praying that the sun comes out tomorrow.