As I sit in IHOP on Christmas Day with my kids, after having to have a real life conversation with my daughter, I am reminded of my childhood which I seriously hate.
As a child, I didn’t lack anything. My Father was quite absent although we lived in the same town. I was the illegitimate child who had to watch my Father be an active part of the kids he wanted life and not my own. It created this void that even now I can’t fill. My mom worked to make sure I had the best. I wore the name brand clothes and shoes and I had the picture perfect room. From the outside looking in, although I appeared to have it all, I lacked the one thing any child yearns for… Love.
Fast forward 11 years and my mom gives birth to my brother. At first, I was upset because I felt as though, the love that I already wasn’t receiving from either of my parents would be given to this “new” child. I often wondered what did I have to do to make them love me? I got good grades in school, I didn’t get into trouble, hell I rarely talked. I was always afraid of doing or saying the wrong things to make my mom upset. During all this time, I didn’t realize that she suffered from a mental illness but all I did know is that she was hurting deep inside, she never showed me any type of love or affection and I wholeheartedly did not feel as though she truly wanted me. But failure was not an option for her so she HAD to raise me and she HAD to do a good job because everyone was expecting her to fail.
When she had my brother, everyone in town thought that I was so promiscuous and I had, had a baby and my mother was telling everyone it was her baby to protect me and my reputation. This is how much people didn’t see me. Or paid attention to me smh. In hindsight, I’ve always been just a girl in the shadows. After I got over the initial shock and upsets of my mom having another baby, I thought maybe this was my chance to give him all the love I never encountered. Rightfully so, I didn’t want him to experience the 11 years of life as I had, feeling like a burden. What child asks to be born and be unloved or unwanted?
Needless to say, I basically raised him. From the time I was 11 up until my Senior year of high school, he was mostly my responsibility. In middle school, I’d go to school, come home to babysit him while my mom worked overnight. On the weekends, she started a side business which would require her to leave early in the morning and return once she was done working. Sometimes it would be around Noon, sometimes the evening. She’d unwind with her friends who were mostly men and I’d retreat to my corner to sit and play her CDs and sing to try and ease my mind. I didn’t get to really be a child. I was forced to grow up early to care for my brother who would down the line turn into my starter child.
The rest of that story of my poor ass life is for another day when I’m not freezing cold but as for now, I was reminded of the lack of love I received when I had to have a very uncomfortable conversation with my own daughter today. I didn’t think divorce would be something my children, let alone myself would have to endure but here we are in the home stretch of separation, petition ready to be served in a week and hopefully soon all of this will be behind me.
I married this man, looking for a love I didn’t have. Trying to fill a void and it failed. And as bad as I tried to make it work because I too dislike failure, it didn’t and I had already lost so much of myself that I wasn’t willing to go through another patch with him just to keep my “family” together. It was very evident that my “family” consisted of me and my kids only.
But now I’m the bad parent in my daughter’s eyes because she blames me for her Father not being around. We aren’t together but he is able to see them whenever he desires. But he chooses not to. She expressed her anger with me through yelling and crying. Saying I made him leave the house and it’s all my fault. Even though I made this decision for not just me but also for them, she doesn’t understand. I do all I can to make this a smooth transition. And it seems as though there truly is nothing I can do.
This hurts. And people say she’s a child and doesn’t understand. Nobody truly understand. I am her…the hurting little girl who just wants that love…😔 I don’t want her to grow up and be me. Where I am right now in life. Lonely and heartbroken…