~California Dreamer~

Not Your Relationship Coach

It’s not often that I write after having a conversation with my parallel collateral descendant but this morning I have to mentally unload because he 100% triggered me.

Let me start by stating that I’m no relationship expert by any means. I have no certifications or specializations in education or science on human behavior or sociology. But I know first hand what it’s like to be hurt. I also know first hand what it is like to intentionally hurt others and the ramifications (karma) of doing such.

The person I am today, I haven’t always been. I’ve been young, dumb, and (what I thought was) crazy in love. I reflect on those periods of my life now and wish I would have done things differently in previous relationships. Maybe I wouldn’t be the struggling soon to be damaged divorcee I am now.

Sadly, I now see the same patterns in my parallel collateral descendant and it bothers me. A lot! Even though he’s an adult, I still feel compelled to provide him with guidance when asked. (Never unsolicited because again, I’m no expert and this is not my avenue) But I listen and provide feedback in hopes of helping him find the path to avoid heartbreak, toxic relationships and unhealthy behavior.

But as a man and human, he doesn’t listen to understand. He doesn’t listen to me (he didn’t really listen to my Mom either), his girlfriend, or anyone. How he feels supersedes anyone else’s feelings. He almost implies that he is the center of the universe but doesn’t come straight out and say that. He is always ready to argue and defend his wrongdoing; bandaging it with “I’m hurting too” and “This is how I feel”. He reminds me a lot of my Father. And he was quite the selfish man.

While I love him dearly, I expressed to him that hurt people, hurt people. And that’s not ok. I don’t involve myself in his relationships at all. I meet his “lady friend” when he decides to introduce them. And I can usually tell off the bat if they are “ok”. Not judging, just observing. So far I’ve been right with my thoughts and I usually just keep them to myself. Only sharing my thoughts and feelings with my Mom, because isn’t that what big sisters do?

Before I even realized it, I had shut down on him. I had no response for anything he said. And I was waiting for a pause in his monologue to end the call.

It’s 4am. I’m not in the mood to argue with him or try to overtalk him. He’s said hurtful shit to me just a few months ago so I can only imagine how his girlfriend feels. Trying to be neutral because they are both calling me, I don’t want to give his girlfriend my advice. Because when someone hurts me I tend to write them off forever. I won’t give them the ability or satisfaction of ever doing it again. Sadly the most toxic relationship of my life I can’t write off because my children are involved smh.

Tonight he reminded me of my ex so much that I had to hang up. Being disrespectful and belligerent. Disregarding his issues to point out his dislikes in someone else. Not listening and not allowing me to speak or complete my thoughts. The finger pointing, blaming, condescending talk and nonchalantness is a pain point for me. It don’t help that he’s also inebriated but still.

I remember vividly pouring out my heart to someone only to have him respond with, were you talking to me, I will call you back, I don’t have time for this, oh ok, whatever you say, or you’re right, I’m wrong…or him getting up and walking away while I was still talking…or him purposefully avoiding me to avoid having a conversation. That shit bothered me so bad that even now in any relationship or conversation (romantic or platonic) if I feel like I’m not being heard, I immediately shut down. “Don’t worry about it” is my response and I don’t like to argue so I will either change the subject or find the nearest exit. Going to sleep was also something I would do to escape.

I love my parallel collateral descendant to pieces but he’s a toxic asshole right now, with a bad attitude and unresolved/unhealed trauma. He needs to work on himself and I don’t need him reaching out to me for relationship advice while he’s in this state of mind. If he was closer, I would have drove to him and punched him dead in the face. Now I’m trying to go back to sleep with thoughts of how messed up I’ve been myself lately relationship wise.

5 Ways To Ensure You Will Have A Happy Life After Divorce

Thinking about your life after divorce all while getting a divorce can be a sticking point for some people simply because they just aren’t sure what their life will “look like” after divorce.

Here’s 5 things to keep in mind so that you can have a meaningful life after divorce:

Life after divorce item 1: Think about your emotional stability…if you wanted the divorce or not, you must face it head on.

Divorce is tough and whether you are going through it or are already past it, your emotional stability is of vital importance because you might tend to be somewhat touchy after going through an emotional ordeal. Keep in mind that your life after divorce can be great but you must admit that you will go through (or have gone through) a trying time in your life. Admitting this and facing your situation is important to your emotional stability and critical to you having a happy life after divorce.

Life after divorce item 2: Look at the bright side, having a life after divorce could be a new start for you!

How may times in your life do you wish you could have just started over knowing what you know now? If you answered “many”, don’t worry, that is a common thought most of us have. Having a positive mental attitude about your new beginning will make a huge difference in how happy your life will be after divorce. Life after divorce can be fantastic and it can also be very tough if you don’t remain positive about what’s ahead of you. Look at the glass as being “half full” and realize that, in order to be happy after divorce, you must take advantage of the opportunity to get a fresh start!

Life after divorce item 3: Surround yourself with people you like in your free time.

Too often times people start new relationships with just about anyone because they are lonely while getting a divorce or after getting a divorce. Sparking a relationship, romantic or friendly, with anyone and everyone who will spend time with you can contribute to unhappiness in your life after divorce. Stop and think about the people that you spend time with and ask yourself, “Once my emotional turmoil has ended, would I really want to keep the relationship going with this person?”. Life after divorce is tough…so, when you’re deciding about divorce, going through one, or already have been through a divorce, make sure that you carefully choose who to spend your time with or you may fall into more negativity in your life after divorce.

Life after divorce item 4: Make it a point to spend time doing things that you like to do every week.

Make sure that you spend time enjoying your life after divorce – don’t forget to ‘stop and smell the roses’. Some people vent, work, go into hiding, or just plain go haywire after getting a divorce and their subsequent life after divorce isn’t as healthy as they would like. At least once a week, take the time to go and do something that you really enjoy doing…it will help you deal with your life after divorce in a more pleasing manner.

Life after divorce item 5: Set specific goals and implement a plan to achieve those goals.

Life after divorce is a tumultuous time. In order to make sure that you feel good about yourself and enjoy the feeling that accomplishment brings, think about a goal or set of goals that you’ve always had but never attained. Then, prioritize those goals and devise a plan to obtain them, one by one. Implement each plan and be happy (in fact celebrate) once you’ve reached your goal. Your life after divorce will be better and healthier if you take this concept to heart and follow it.

Visualizing your life after divorce (and thinking about what your life might be like after divorce) is a sound and logical thing to do. Your life after divorce does not need to be a continuation of the pain you might have gone through or are currently going through.

Life after divorce can be extremely liberating if you act based on logic plus positive emotions rather than negativity. If divorce is eminent or you’ve already been through divorce, take the time to actually plan your life after divorce.

Death Can Trump Life

It’s my 38th birthday and instead of celebrating my mind is clouded with rhetorical questions. Do you ever ponder the meaning of life? Why are we here? Perhaps these questions surface when we receive news we’d rather not receive, the passing of an parent, a sibling, a friend’s spouse who died for the wrong reason. I did not even believe it myself when others tried to justify the news by saying this is the circle of life.

I don’t make it a habit of reading the obituary columns in the newspaper but occasionally I read about strangers. Many have experienced a long and full life, contributed to society in a meaningful way, were visible within their community. I think how proud their family must be, I also imagine the hurt and grief they are experiencing. I read about the 42-year old father who has succumbed to cancer and leaves behind a wife and two children and I wonder how this is fair. My heart aches when I read about the young child tragically killed in an accident as my eyes fill with tears.

I’m no stranger to death. It does not scare me and I deal with it in quite a weird way. I do however find death emotionally overwhelming. It is hurt, compassion, sadness, pain, empathy, love all rolled together that hits like a tsunami, in waves over a period of time.

I’ve lost high school friends to accidents, drugs, and disease. I’ve seen first hand the impact on a family when their young son took his own life. Like so many others, I have said goodbye to relatives only after they have gone.

Before now, I bet young people seldom thought of death, they were too busy living life as if they are invincible, surfing social media and following the new trends. Older people tend to prepare for death and accept the event as a natural and inevitable occurrence. Experience and reality have tempered their emotions. The grief and hurt is still there, so is the reflection on the positive aspects of the individual’s life. For some, their biggest worry is if they will fulfill their purpose.

Maybe this aging process will help me to become less sensitive to the loss of not only those I love, but to those I have only read about in the newspaper. I am thankful my fear of death is more than offset by my passion for life. So it should be.

So where does this discussion of death take us? It could be to the end of a journey, or the beginning of a new one depending on your beliefs. If you were to have a tombstone, what would it read? Here we are back to the question, what is our mission, our purpose, our goal in life? One accolade might read, “Here lays an honest person who cared about the people around her, respected others and made a positive difference in the lives of everyone she encountered.” If we envision how we want others to remember us, it might provide a valuable compass to aid us down the path of life.

In a perfect world, perhaps caring and understanding might extend well beyond our community and our country. Imagine a common bond based on a desire for truth, justice, peace, and mutual respect.

We can’t do a lot about death. We can very much impact life – our own and others.

“The ocean is everything I want to be. Beautiful, mysterious, wild, free and loved.”

kanvas-0ab6dca7-151f-4589-a42f-aa81e2c808d5

I Need Peace

I’m struggling today. I thought the series of grief events were behind me after Saturday came and went.

I was hoping that having my Baby Love home would ease this pain or at least make it tolerable but I’ve been attempting to self cope and cycling never ending thoughts through my little head.

Appetite. I don’t really have one. But I’m back in the throes of trying to numb my pain. Nothing is working. I get tired of talking about it. So I feel like others are tired of listening. Others being the few that I even have to converse with.

Feeling like I’m on the brink of self destruction, a nervous breakdown, something that I won’t be able to control. This space I’m in sucks. I smile when I really want to cry and I say nothing is wrong when there is so much wrong.

I need some peace. Where the hell can I find it?

Hold My Hand

Expressing grief through art: this is a drawing of a time I held your hand begging you to wake up and talk to me.

I held your swollen hands as you laid motionless before me. The sound of the ventilator filled the room, giving you breath after breath while your brain rested from all the trauma.

What happened? Is the main question that continually crosses my mind.

Guilt: Why didn’t I make it there in time?

Blame: Why did my HVAC specialist take so long putting me behind schedule to get to you for our routine grocery shopping day?

Inattentive: When you didn’t call when I was on the way to drop your Granddaughter off at school, why didn’t I feel something?

I remember pulling the neurologist to the side and sternly but respectfully asking him to not speak “end of life” in your presence because you were far from dead. I remember not showering or eating and sitting by your side day in and day out because I wanted to be there as soon as you awoke. I remember the nurses telling me to go home and rest. Promising to call me as soon as you awoke or in the event of any changes.

Hours, weeks and a month passed. You surprised your medical team. I told them how strong of a woman you were but they didn’t believe me. I couldn’t bring myself to give up on you no matter what family thought or said. As your oldest child and at the time the only one close enough to make decisions, I had to do what I felt like you’d want and what my brother would want.

Talk about the hardest decisions to make in my life and in a pinch. I did a lot of research by your bedside during this time. I leaned on my doctor and nurse friends for medical advice and comfort. I thanked every nurse and doctor who cared for you. I brought them coffee and doughnuts because I know personally how tough it is to care for patients 12 hours a day. I didn’t like to leave you alone because I know how you felt about hospitals. I wanted the staff to know you weren’t just someone with family waiting for that devastating moment, but you had a daughter with a powerful voice, who was intelligent and knowledgeable and asked a whole lot of damn questions lol.

It was this same hospital that my Father transitioned in…I was there for him out of respect and feelings of having to be there because he was my Father. But you…you were my Ace. My Bestie. My Right Hand. Way more than just a Mother. For 11 years, it was just you and I. Many conversations, many lessons, many tears, some hugs, some fussing, some eye rolling and some cursing (from you of course). What I’d give to hear you say “Gotdammit Cootie!”, “Shit!”

But I held your hand through it all. Using my favorite Bath and Body Works lotion to moisturize your hands. You always said cleanliness was next to godliness so I made sure they kept you clean. I wiped your face each morning. Put chapstick on your lips around the ventilator tubing. I played Kenny G and Miles Davis for you. I read to you. I watched your favorite black and white tv shows with you.

I was unemployed. No longer caring about landing or looking for a job but only being by your side. Until you were awake, nothing mattered to me. I made sure the kids were cared for, brought them when I could and had someone watch them in the lobby when I wanted to be with you and had them. My entire being consisted of being a Mother to my kids a quarter of the time and being an attentive and praying daughter the other 75% of the time. All I wanted was you. Because without you, I had no idea what to do in life. Yep, I was an adult who depended on the love and presence of my dear Mother.

Guess what Mommie…it’s been almost 365 days, and I still have no idea what to do with that 75% of myself. I miss you like crazy. My grief is easily triggered by the sighting of a store, items you use to go crazy over, songs you use to play, things you use to say…I have never experienced such pain. I’ve lost my Father, my Grandmother, my Great Grandmothers, my Great Grandfather, both my Grandfathers, babies, cousins and friends but nothing has felt as tormented and deep as losing you.

I can hear you in my ear/head a lot. “You can do better than this!”, “Don’t you doubt yourself!”, “I know the fuck you’re not?!”, “Get your shit together!”. And I cry endlessly. Grief is a road traveled alone. It seems that no cares to understand and I receive the same mundane responses. “I’m sorry you’re going through this, call me if you need me, I’m here if you need anything.” When I don’t want to get up and exist most have forgotten that I have no interest in adulting anymore. I was mostly doing it for you. To give you back all the things you gave me and so much more. When I go silent, I hear from no one and internally I’m crying just wanting someone to care but have made peace with the fact that your death affects me and me only. And rightfully so, I have to deal with it alone.

It makes me wonder if I was to leave this Earth today, who would give a fuck. Some may cry for a moment because their “go-to person” is gone, for others they’d simply mention saying a praying and then going on about their life. Friends are not made like you were. And maybe that is because you really knew me. Understood me. Hell you co-created me. Even when we disagreed, with an attitude we’d check on each other. “I know you still mad, but how is your ignorant ass doing?” “Are you hungry?” “Where my Pookie Pook & Princess?” “How are you feeling?” Our friendship surpassed our Mother/Daughter bond. Maybe this is why it is extremely hard to get through this. I was the one to listen when no one else would listen to you. A lot of what you said to me went over my head at the time but I am understanding more and more each day. You were silly, yet wise and loving. A true kind and beautiful soul.

I don’t know what I’m doing here still. I can’t seem to find peace or happiness in anything. Not having you around has been life changing and I just don’t know what path to take or road to travel. I miss you like crazy. My heart aches miserably every time I think of you. I just hope your soul is at peace. You were an awesome Mother. And a great friend taken away from me way too soon. I wish there was more than one of you. But then again the world couldn’t handle the one it was given.

Always your daughter…

Time…We Don’t Have As Much As We Think

A year ago today, I remember heading to help my cousin I watching her kids so that she could work. I packed up all my work items, my kids and their things and headed to her house that morning.

I didn’t sleep well which wasn’t anything new at the time. My Mom had been released from the hospital and she was now a whopping 5-10 minutes from me whereas before she was in a facility in another county 35 minutes away. I was sad that it took such a tragic event to get her moved but nonetheless I was happy to have her close.

I wasn’t able to see her like I could previously because of the COVID restrictions but I could visit her through the window and that was enough for me. To be able to lay eyes on her and ask her if she was ok and to have her confirm with a nod or smile and sometimes an eye roll. She had been telling me for the last few years that I act like I think I’m her Mother lol.

Her last hospital visit hit me hard. I was processing a lot by myself. I was handling a lot by myself. And while I’m grateful for my aunts and uncles, it was different not having my Brother by my side through it all.

Even with my uneasy feeling on this day, I still tried to function normally. It was extremely hard so I played with Benji, laughed with the kids and my cousin. Tried to eat and worked.

My phone rang and I stepped outside to take it. My heart sank so deep inside of me. The words this lady spoke to me hit me so hard. “I need you to get here as soon as possible. Your Mother is not doing well and we are expecting her to transition in the next 48 hours.” I wanted to yell but I was outside my cousins house. Still concerned about others I didn’t want to have her neighbors trying to figure out what’s wrong with the crazy lady outside and call the police. I paced her walkway. I called my Brother immediately. He has to come home. I let him know that I was going to Red Cross him because he was in the field training.

I felt sick, hurt, sad, angry…I didn’t want to scare my kids so I tried to keep cool. All I could do was silent cry. I told my cousin what was going on and I got my kids and things together and I left. I began to call my family. At this point I had forgotten all about work. My life was crumbling and there was no gorilla glue or magic tape to hold this shit together.

I always said if anything ever happened to my Mom surely I’d go crazy. Was this a test? Her accident that began this downward spiral was one thing. But this was different. It even felt different.

Now I know we are all here on borrowed time. But this was my Mother. My “originator”. The absolute center of my life. She’s the reason why I grind so hard! To make her proud and to be able to care for any and every need that she had or could imagine. The mere thought of not having my Mom here whether she was well or not disturbed me.

So many thoughts were flooding my mind. I couldn’t organize them. Some were just terrible. My positive talk was nowhere to be found. Guilt began to hit me again. Had I been on time before, the accident wouldn’t have happened and she would be ok and I would not be enduring this God awful pain.

The hospice nurse calls me while I was enroute to check in and give me tasks. I had to call the lawyer. I was trying to get my Brother home. Updating my family that is scattered all over and trying to still be a Mother to my own kids. I felt like a failure.

I thought back to when I got the news about my Dad. I remember looking at him and he just looked so sad. He looked like he had let us down. And although our relationship wasn’t the best. It still bothered me that this was the end of his life as I knew it. It hurt as well. But nowhere near as bad as how I was currently feeling. This was my Mom. I wasn’t a Daddy’s girl because I was my Father’s convenience child. His oldest. But he dealt with me when he wanted to. I was not a priority at all. Til this day, I remember hearing him say he didn’t ask for me to be here. He didn’t want me. And even though I knew this and never breath a word of it to him, in the last stages of his life I was there. Talking to the doctors. Handling his affairs and making end of life decisions on his behalf. Me. The convenience kid.

But now here I am facing this with my Mom. There’s no older child to help me through this. Just my little Brother. And while I have family they are very…rigid in their thinking. What they think is right, there are no other scenarios and they know everything about everything. They may have lost their Father. But I endured the lost of mine way before they experienced it. And now I was losing my Mom. I don’t think they truly had an idea of how I was feeling. The pressure I was under and how my mind was really getting the best of me. I didn’t need their dictatorship, negative talk or non valid opinions.

Speeding to get by her side. When I finally made it, for the first time since the pandemic began, I had to get tested. I could hear her now. “You not gone stick that shit up my nose. I don’t do cocaine and I’m not putting anything up my nostrils unnecessarily!” LOL. She was a character. I had to see her so at this point they could have gave me anthrax and I would have taken it just to get next to her.

I made it to her and I sucked up every bit of moisture I had trying to escape me before I walked into her room. This was my first time entering the new facility. The staff were exceptionally nice and maybe it was due to the nature of the situation but I felt as though it was genuine. I didn’t even take anything in with me. My phone was in my pocket and I immediately went to her side and grabbed her hand. Our normal greeting “Hey Best Friend” left my lips and she didn’t respond. My eyes started to sting and the tears I could no longer hold back. I squatted beside her bed and I laid my head next to her arm while I held her hand. I whispered softly “Mommie don’t leave me right now.”At this point I think I would of signed a contract sealed with my blood, given up an organ, anything to reverse what was happening. She opened her eyes. Still holding her hand I wiped my face because she would always tell me “dry your eyes, don’t cry my child.”

I sit and cry today. Feeling like there had to have been something I could have done to change the outcome of this. This pain that I have to live with is hard, unbearable at times. I feel so removed from reality. None of this feels real…because I don’t want to truly accept the idea that I’m a 37 year old parentless child. I lost the most important person in my life. And for the life of me I cannot get it together.