~California Dreamer~

Birthday Getaway to the DMV: Healing Hearts and Having Fun!

Buckle up for a whirlwind adventure! Today, we’re trading tissues for birthday cheer as my soon-to-be-14-year-old daughter, my son and I embark on a DMV getaway to celebrate her special day. Yes, it comes on the heels of a not-so-happy breakup, but sometimes, a change of scenery and quality time with your favorite people is the best medicine.

We’ve got a fun weekend planned, filled with exploring the amazing museums in DC (future scientists and artists unite!), conquering the cherry blossom trees (hopefully they’re still blooming!), and maybe even a boat ride on the Potomac.

Of course, a birthday trip wouldn’t be complete without some fun surprises. We’re keeping some things under wraps, but let’s just say there might be a delicious cake from a local bakery, a movie marathon in our PJs (essential for any teen, I’m told!), and maybe even a spa night complete with questionable face mask choices and uncontrollable laughter.

This trip isn’t just about celebrating my daughter’s birthday, though that’s definitely a priority. It’s also about creating new memories, sharing some laughs (and maybe a few tears – happy ones, this time!), and reminding each other that we’re a team.

Sure, a breakup can throw a wrench into things, but it doesn’t have to cancel the fun. We’re approaching this trip with open hearts and a sense of adventure. Who knows, maybe amidst the museums and monuments, we’ll both discover a little bit of healing and a whole lot of joy.

Here’s to strong moms, adventurous children, and the magic of birthday celebrations that mend hearts and create lasting memories. Stay tuned for updates from our DMV adventure!

Taking A Step Back

Let’s talk about no contact after a breakup. It feels weird, right? Like slamming a door shut on a maybe, a what-if. But here’s the thing I’m starting to realize: sometimes, that’s exactly what you need to heal.

This breakup is fresh, and the temptation to text or to call is constant. It’s like a scab I keep picking at, keeping the wound raw. No contact is about stopping that cycle, giving myself space to breathe.

It’s not about punishment or forgetting them entirely. It’s about creating space to grow, to rediscover myself. Who am I, outside of that relationship? What makes me happy on my own?

Maybe with this time apart, I’ll see things clearer. Maybe the rose-colored glasses will fade, and I can see the relationship for what it truly was. No contact might even help me appreciate the good while acknowledging why it didn’t work out.

Honestly, no contact is scary. But staying stuck in a loop of emotions is scarier. I deserve the space to heal, to move forward. And who knows, maybe down the line, things will be different. But for now, the focus is on me. On healing, on emerging stronger.

Healing Doesn’t Have to Be Pretty

It’s been a rough week, and honestly, I haven’t felt like my usual chipper self. Let’s just say the “wash my face, cry in the shower, eat ice cream” phase has been hitting hard.

But here’s the thing I’m realizing: it’s okay. Social media might paint this picture of perfect post-breakup healing, but let me tell you, it’s messy AF! There are days when sadness hangs heavy, and anger comes out in unexpected ways (RIP planter).

I’m allowing myself to feel the feels. Sometimes it’s a sob fest, other times it’s letting out all the emotions into a journal. Bottling it up only makes the pressure build, and I’m all about releasing that pressure in healthy ways (maybe minus the planter-related collateral damage).

This doesn’t mean I’m staying stuck. Healing takes time, and right now, I’m giving myself the space to grieve the end of this chapter. It was a huge part of my life, and acknowledging that loss is important. While some days are tearjerkers, I’m also leaning on my amazing friends, indulging in comfort food (hello, cheese Naan), and rediscovering things that make me happy (painting and drawing).

Remember, healing isn’t linear. There will be ups and downs, and that’s perfectly okay. We all move at our own pace, and right now, mine involves a healthy dose of self-compassion and maybe a box of Kleenex.

Long Story Short: Love Shouldn’t Be A Threat

Tears streamed down my face, blurring the already distorted image of my reflection. “Why is it so hard for someone to just love me?” I choked out, the question echoing in the empty room.

It wasn’t always this way. My childhood was a constant ache, a void left by a father who was never consistently present. My mom, bless her heart, tried everything, but that emptiness gnawed at me. I yearned for a love that never came, a yearning that festered into a pattern of terrible relationships. Men who saw me as an object, not a person. Cheating, lying, a parade of disrespect that chipped away at my already fragile sense of worth.

Then came David. We connected, and for a while, it felt different. I, naive and hopeful, shared the deepest crevice of my heart – my fear of being alone, unwanted. But David, like the others, failed me. Slowly, subtly, he withdrew. Communicating less and fussing more.

Was this my fate? To be perpetually alone, tossed aside like a forgotten toy? The answer, a therapist once told me, resided within myself. Years of emotional neglect had warped my perception of love, making me vulnerable to those who mirrored my father’s absence.

I realized, love wasn’t something to be found, but to be built. Built on a foundation of self-respect, nurtured by kindness and compassion – for myself, first and foremost.

Taking a deep breath, I wiped away my tears. The rain continued its relentless assault, but a tiny spark flickered within me – the embers of hope. I wouldn’t wait for someone to love me. I would go back to loving myself.

Worth the Effort

I woke up feeling good today. Ready to tackle the grocery store instead of shopping online. And browsing for flooring and new living room furniture.

Moving on is hard. Life around you is business as usual and you’re stuck in time. On a day where your life changed forever.

The cat calls, the compliments and advances from men…they are unwarranted. Unsolicited. I say thank you, no thank you and inside I have this consistent ache in my chest that reminds me that I’ll never be worth the effort to any man in this lifetime.

I’ve made peace with just that this week. It’ll take a lifetime for me to heal from all that I’ve endure and buried. And while I was looking for someone to love me through my healing, I’ll provide myself with that love that I want so bad.

Chapter 39 officially closed. ❤️‍🩹

Pushing Thru

It’s vet day for the pups.

Over the last few years I’ve missed vet appts and shots to support/nurture my relationship. I love my baby dogs so caring for them should have been a priority of mine. I can’t change the past but I can do better moving forward.

So getting myself together includes getting my little furry support system together too.

Getting back to writing, drawing and painting. The things that brought me peace and comfort. Taking things one day at a time, relying heavily on my support tools/resources and loving myself like never before ❤️‍🩹

Dragging

Each morning is like a bad dream. I trusted yet another man with my deepest and darkest fears, my dreams, my goals.

Every day I have to remind myself that I can get through this no matter how much it feels like I just will never. All I wanted was for him to just do one of the many things he said he’d do to show me he was truly different. I just wanted to have to stop begging to be talked to. I just wanted a hug when I was dealing with all that menopause had to offer. I just wanted to go out and have fun and not sit in front of the TV as the only source of entertainment. I wanted someone to cook with, enjoy the kids with, travel with. And as much as I kept asking what he really wanted out of the relationship, I was constantly met with a question instead of an answer or something so vague that it made me question his intentions a lot but I naively discarded those thoughts quickly. Each time until I couldn’t.

I looked past his past life, things he had done that he wasn’t proud of. I tried to be nothing short of supportive when he was going through the mental turmoil of his trial. I didn’t judge him. I actually loved this man and thought the world of him. I saw more potential in him than he saw in himself. I continued to be positive. Praying that he stay mentally intact to make it through this rough time. I stuck by his side. When his ex was ridiculing and being petty making fun of his possible demise, I still remained positive. Encouraging him to ignore the negative and have faith. And even when he didn’t. I tried to have the faith and positivity on his behalf.

I don’t have to throw around all the things I did for him but I have to remind myself that the things he said leading to my ultimate decision to end things were not true and are debunked by all those actions and more. He was upset and was just saying hurtful things because he was hurting. He didn’t realize that before all this I was with him hurting and even then it nor I seemed important. So his words just solidified all my intrusive thoughts. And knowing that I live in my head, he didn’t openly communicate with me to assure me that he truly loved me.

I opened my heart, my home and my children up to someone who couldn’t even SHOW me he cared or loved me when I desperately was begging for it. I didn’t want money. I just wanted to be seen, heard, respected , supported and appreciated. See me, hug me, love me, talk to me about anything and everything. Be my friend. After 4 years, I thought things would be different. Thought there would be some improvement but things kept getting worse. The “break” ended before it ever started because his pride and ego were larger than life, the professional help that I had for us, he made excuses for not using, resources I shared were always forgotten but I was always to blame for things not “going right”. Verbal abuse began between us via text and phone calls and I felt trapped back in my toxic marriage and I wanted out. So I got out. Even in me exiting, he didn’t try to DO anything to change my mind. To show me the better that he was doing. He just continued to say more and more hateful things. I’m in menopause. I’m hormonal, emotional and this definitely requires the support of an emotionally secure man. And a man that knows his partner well enough to be able to identify when she is herself and when she’s having a “flare” and to ignore it because it’s something she can’t control and will pass quickly. The feelings of being an inadequate woman because I don’t have control over my body during this time. The intrusive thoughts about my body image. Worrying if I was the cause of his erectile issues. Just so much mentally that I was dealing with and still trying to support him and our relationship, work, maintain the home bc he wanted to travel for work and raise children. But it seems he just wanted to get himself together at the expense of tying up my time, using my home as storage and wanting me to continue to “foot bills” while he got it together instead of working with me. Wanting to meet me where I was in life when I was trying to SHARE my life with him so he didn’t have to start from scratch bc the time ain’t there. I see how pressed I was for love and support now and I can say I am ashamed and I regret wasting his time too because I should have let him go before he was incarcerated.

Now I have to stop feeling bad and beating myself up because he didn’t put action behind the words he chose to share with me. He cheated on me and then shared that he regretted telling me after lying to me and saying that I could take whatever time I needed to get through it. I loved him way more than he loved me and I was too blind to see it. This was never what he wanted. At each point where he got down he wanted to return back to the toxicity that he told me he no longer wanted. I believed him each time he came back with an excuse. And each time he got more comfortable.

Exiting jail with someone else controlling his every movement, seemed to have turned him into a bit of a controlling man because he wasn’t like that before. He was no longer ok with how I lived and loved life. He was no longer ok with my children. He didn’t like them, didn’t want to talk to them just like he didn’t want to talk to me. They began to resent me and not want to be with me. So I have menopause mental instability coupled with resentment from my children and then my support was attacking me.

So today I have to officially let go of the thoughts of what could have been with this relationship. I have to accept that it’s going to take some consistent therapy and time to do so. I was certain that this was my “happily ever after”. I tried to do things differently in this relationship than in my last. Sharing my relationship wants up front. Sharing my boundaries. Explaining that due to my relationship with my late Father I don’t know how to and cannot allow myself to depend or NEED anyone because I’ve constantly had to show up for myself because everyone else just wants to tell me what to do, tell me what they think I want to hear and not really help do anything. Being more vulnerable than I’ve ever been with anyone, sharing things about myself that I’m working on but may screw up from time to time and asking for grace.

Every time I think I’ve experienced the worst type of hurt I’m presented with more. How I currently feel is how I felt after being raped. Empty. Used. Abused. Worthless. And to think when I shared this with him in my most vulnerable state he promised to never let anyone hurt me. But it ended up being him who hurt me the worse by breaking what pieces of my heart I had left.

It’s going to take me a long time to grieve this lost too. Here’s my first step…

I forgive you Ray. I thank you for the years that you definitely made me happy. They were absolutely wonderful. You taught me how to love in a different way and I will always appreciate that. I’m sorry that things didn’t work out as we hoped and I’m disappointed that you weren’t able to respectfully end things so that we could remain friends. I have love in my heart for you always and I wish you nothing but the best.