Tag: #grief

Resilience Rising

Life throws us into the depths of despair, often when we least expect it. I know this all too well. There was a time when grief felt like a heavy cloak, suffocating every ounce of joy I had. It was as if the universe had conspired against little ole me, leaving me to navigate a world filled with unbearable tragedy. Yet, amidst that darkness, I discovered that life can still be meaningful, even in the face of overwhelming sorrow.

At first, I found myself questioning everything. Why did this happen? What was the purpose? I was enveloped in a fog of pain that seemed impenetrable. Each day felt like an uphill battle, and I often wondered if I would ever find joy again. But as time passed, I began to realize that grief, while a heavy burden, was also a testament to the love and connection I had experienced.

So I started to reflect on the beautiful moments that had once filled my life. Memories flooded my thoughts—laughter shared with those I love, quiet evenings spent in their company, and the warmth of their smiles. These memories became my lifeline, reminding me that even in the darkest times, love endures. I learned that it was okay to cherish those moments while simultaneously feeling the weight of my loss.

I also discovered the importance of vulnerability. Instead of hiding my pain, I began to share my story with others. I found solace in the understanding of friends and family who had experienced their own struggles. In opening up, I realized that we are not alone in our suffering. There is a unique strength in community, a healing power that comes from connecting with others who understand the depths of our pain.

As I embraced this journey, I began to seek out ways to honor my loved ones. I started pouring my energy into making a positive impact in the world. This gave me a sense of purpose and allowed me to feel that their spirit lived on through my actions. I found meaning not just in my memories, but in the legacy of love they left behind.

Through this process, I learned that life is a tapestry woven with both joy and sorrow. Each thread, beautiful and unpretty, is essential, contributing to the richness of our experience. It’s easy to get lost in the darkness, but I discovered that light can still break through, revealing the beauty that exists even in the most challenging times.

I began to appreciate the little things—a warm cup of tea, the sound of rain, or the beauty of a sunrise. These small moments became reminders that life, despite its overwhelming tragedies, still holds wonder and beauty. They taught me to be present and to find gratitude in the everyday.

If you’re navigating a similar path, I want you to know that it’s okay to feel lost. It’s okay to grieve and to allow yourself to experience the depths of your emotions. But I also encourage you to seek out the light. Look for the moments that make your heart flutter, the connections that bring you comfort, and the ways you can honor those you’ve lost.

Life is a journey, one that requires patience and self-compassion. But as we walk this path, we can find ways to create beauty from our pain, transforming our grief into a source of strength. Even in the darkest of nights, the stars still shine. And in that light, we can find hope, purpose, and a renewed appreciation for the gift of life.

Taking A Step Back

Let’s talk about no contact after a breakup. It feels weird, right? Like slamming a door shut on a maybe, a what-if. But here’s the thing I’m starting to realize: sometimes, that’s exactly what you need to heal.


This breakup is fresh, and the temptation to text or to call is constant. It’s like a scab I keep picking at, keeping the wound raw. No contact is about stopping that cycle, giving myself space to breathe.


It’s not about punishment or forgetting them entirely. It’s about creating space to grow, to rediscover myself. Who am I, outside of that relationship? What makes me happy on my own?


Maybe with this time apart, I’ll see things clearer. Maybe the rose-colored glasses will fade, and I can see the relationship for what it truly was.  No contact might even help me appreciate the good while acknowledging why it didn’t work out.


Honestly, no contact is scary. But staying stuck in a loop of emotions is scarier.  I deserve the space to heal, to move forward.  And who knows, maybe down the line, things will be different. But for now, the focus is on me. On healing, on emerging stronger.

Healing Doesn’t Have to Be Pretty


It’s been a rough week, and honestly, I haven’t felt like my usual chipper self.  Let’s just say the “wash my face, cry in the shower, eat ice cream” phase has been hitting hard.


But here’s the thing I’m realizing: it’s okay.  Social media might paint this picture of perfect post-breakup healing, but let me tell you, it’s messy AF!  There are days when sadness hangs heavy, and anger comes out in unexpected ways (RIP planter).


I’m allowing myself to feel the feels.  Sometimes it’s a sob fest, other times it’s letting out all the emotions into a journal.  Bottling it up only makes the pressure build, and I’m all about releasing that pressure in healthy ways (maybe minus the planter-related collateral damage).


This doesn’t mean I’m staying stuck.  Healing takes time, and right now, I’m giving myself the space to grieve the end of this chapter.  It was a huge part of my life, and acknowledging that loss is important. While some days are tearjerkers, I’m also leaning on my amazing friends, indulging in comfort food (hello, cheese Naan), and rediscovering things that make me happy (painting and drawing).


Remember, healing isn’t linear.  There will be ups and downs, and that’s perfectly okay.  We all move at our own pace, and right now, mine involves a healthy dose of self-compassion and maybe a box of Kleenex.

Long Story Short: Love Shouldn’t Be A Threat

Tears streamed down my face, blurring the already distorted image of my reflection. “Why is it so hard for someone to just love me?” I choked out, the question echoing in the empty room.


It wasn’t always this way. My childhood was a constant ache, a void left by a father who was never consistently present. My mom, bless her heart, tried everything, but that emptiness gnawed at me. I yearned for a love that never came, a yearning that festered into a pattern of terrible relationships. Men who saw me as an object, not a person. Cheating, lying, a parade of disrespect that chipped away at my already fragile sense of worth.


Then came David. We connected, and for a while, it felt different. I, naive and hopeful, shared the deepest crevice of my heart – my fear of being alone, unwanted. But David, like the others, failed me. Slowly, subtly, he withdrew. Communicating less and fussing more.


Was this my fate? To be perpetually alone, tossed aside like a forgotten toy? The answer, a therapist once told me, resided within myself. Years of emotional neglect had warped my perception of love, making me vulnerable to those who mirrored my father’s absence.


I realized, love wasn’t something to be found, but to be built. Built on a foundation of self-respect, nurtured by kindness and compassion – for myself, first and foremost.


Taking a deep breath, I wiped away my tears. The rain continued its relentless assault, but a tiny spark flickered within me – the embers of hope. I wouldn’t wait for someone to love me. I would go back to loving myself.

Worth the Effort

I woke up feeling good today. Ready to tackle the grocery store instead of shopping online. And browsing for flooring and new living room furniture.

Moving on is hard. Life around you is business as usual and you’re stuck in time. On a day where your life changed forever.

The cat calls, the compliments and advances from men…they are unwarranted. Unsolicited. I say thank you, no thank you and inside I have this consistent ache in my chest that reminds me that I’ll never be worth the effort to any man in this lifetime.

I’ve made peace with just that this week. It’ll take a lifetime for me to heal from all that I’ve endure and buried. And while I was looking for someone to love me through my healing, I’ll provide myself with that love that I want so bad.

Chapter 39 officially closed. ❤️‍🩹

Dragging

Each morning is like a bad dream. I trusted yet another man with my deepest and darkest fears, my dreams, my goals.

Every day I have to remind myself that I can get through this no matter how much it feels like I just will never. All I wanted was for him to just do one of the many things he said he’d do to show me he was truly different. I just wanted to have to stop begging to be talked to. I just wanted a hug when I was dealing with all that menopause had to offer. I just wanted to go out and have fun and not sit in front of the TV as the only source of entertainment. I wanted someone to cook with, enjoy the kids with, travel with. And as much as I kept asking what he really wanted out of the relationship, I was constantly met with a question instead of an answer or something so vague that it made me question his intentions a lot but I naively discarded those thoughts quickly. Each time until I couldn’t.

I looked past his past life, things he had done that he wasn’t proud of. I tried to be nothing short of supportive when he was going through the mental turmoil of his trial. I didn’t judge him. I actually loved this man and thought the world of him. I saw more potential in him than he saw in himself. I continued to be positive. Praying that he stay mentally intact to make it through this rough time. I stuck by his side. When his ex was ridiculing and being petty making fun of his possible demise, I still remained positive. Encouraging him to ignore the negative and have faith. And even when he didn’t. I tried to have the faith and positivity on his behalf.

I don’t have to throw around all the things I did for him but I have to remind myself that the things he said leading to my ultimate decision to end things were not true and are debunked by all those actions and more. He was upset and was just saying hurtful things because he was hurting. He didn’t realize that before all this I was with him hurting and even then it nor I seemed important. So his words just solidified all my intrusive thoughts. And knowing that I live in my head, he didn’t openly communicate with me to assure me that he truly loved me.

I opened my heart, my home and my children up to someone who couldn’t even SHOW me he cared or loved me when I desperately was begging for it. I didn’t want money. I just wanted to be seen, heard, respected , supported and appreciated. See me, hug me, love me, talk to me about anything and everything. Be my friend. After 4 years, I thought things would be different. Thought there would be some improvement but things kept getting worse. The “break” ended before it ever started because his pride and ego were larger than life, the professional help that I had for us, he made excuses for not using, resources I shared were always forgotten but I was always to blame for things not “going right”. Verbal abuse began between us via text and phone calls and I felt trapped back in my toxic marriage and I wanted out. So I got out. Even in me exiting, he didn’t try to DO anything to change my mind. To show me the better that he was doing. He just continued to say more and more hateful things. I’m in menopause. I’m hormonal, emotional and this definitely requires the support of an emotionally secure man. And a man that knows his partner well enough to be able to identify when she is herself and when she’s having a “flare” and to ignore it because it’s something she can’t control and will pass quickly. The feelings of being an inadequate woman because I don’t have control over my body during this time. The intrusive thoughts about my body image. Worrying if I was the cause of his erectile issues. Just so much mentally that I was dealing with and still trying to support him and our relationship, work, maintain the home bc he wanted to travel for work and raise children. But it seems he just wanted to get himself together at the expense of tying up my time, using my home as storage and wanting me to continue to “foot bills” while he got it together instead of working with me. Wanting to meet me where I was in life when I was trying to SHARE my life with him so he didn’t have to start from scratch bc the time ain’t there. I see how pressed I was for love and support now and I can say I am ashamed and I regret wasting his time too because I should have let him go before he was incarcerated.

Now I have to stop feeling bad and beating myself up because he didn’t put action behind the words he chose to share with me. He cheated on me and then shared that he regretted telling me after lying to me and saying that I could take whatever time I needed to get through it. I loved him way more than he loved me and I was too blind to see it. This was never what he wanted. At each point where he got down he wanted to return back to the toxicity that he told me he no longer wanted. I believed him each time he came back with an excuse. And each time he got more comfortable.

Exiting jail with someone else controlling his every movement, seemed to have turned him into a bit of a controlling man because he wasn’t like that before. He was no longer ok with how I lived and loved life. He was no longer ok with my children. He didn’t like them, didn’t want to talk to them just like he didn’t want to talk to me. They began to resent me and not want to be with me. So I have menopause mental instability coupled with resentment from my children and then my support was attacking me.

So today I have to officially let go of the thoughts of what could have been with this relationship. I have to accept that it’s going to take some consistent therapy and time to do so. I was certain that this was my “happily ever after”. I tried to do things differently in this relationship than in my last. Sharing my relationship wants up front. Sharing my boundaries. Explaining that due to my relationship with my late Father I don’t know how to and cannot allow myself to depend or NEED anyone because I’ve constantly had to show up for myself because everyone else just wants to tell me what to do, tell me what they think I want to hear and not really help do anything. Being more vulnerable than I’ve ever been with anyone, sharing things about myself that I’m working on but may screw up from time to time and asking for grace.

Every time I think I’ve experienced the worst type of hurt I’m presented with more. How I currently feel is how I felt after being raped. Empty. Used. Abused. Worthless. And to think when I shared this with him in my most vulnerable state he promised to never let anyone hurt me. But it ended up being him who hurt me the worse by breaking what pieces of my heart I had left.

It’s going to take me a long time to grieve this lost too. Here’s my first step…

I forgive you Ray. I thank you for the years that you definitely made me happy. They were absolutely wonderful. You taught me how to love in a different way and I will always appreciate that. I’m sorry that things didn’t work out as we hoped and I’m disappointed that you weren’t able to respectfully end things so that we could remain friends. I have love in my heart for you always and I wish you nothing but the best.

Heartbroken

I regret opening my heart one more time to someone who consistently showed me that I was not important to them.

I regret staying with this man after he cheated. Because I truly was trying to give him a chance.

I regret all the help I provided. I regret allowing myself to be in a position to feel this pain. And this time it hurts so much more because I truly trusted, respected and loved this man.

Life continues to give me these hard lessons that involves my heart being broken into tiny pieces. Maybe one day it will end. Maybe one day soon.

All I wanted was someone to truly love me. And not just tell me like everyone in my life but actually show me. Spend time with me outside of the mundane mindless TV watching. Get to know me through deep conversation/dialogue. To talk to me as if I’m a friend and not a child. Not to try to control or change me. To respect me as a woman, a Mother, someone who has been hurt by so many and is just looking for genuine love. Accepting that life has shaped me the way I am and respect it even if it’s not understood and to love me unconditionally to break down the walls that people keep showing me are necessary to have up to keep from being hurt. Someone to listen and not judge.

I never thought he’d say some of the things he’s said to me. I never thought I’d have to end things on such a bad note. But people are consistently comfortable with hurting me. And I’m over it.