Ctrl-Alt-Del…

On a PC, it is simple to press these three keys to bring up the task manager and terminate a program that is not responding or frozen. Why can’t we do that in life? Why can we not have an option to terminate a chapter, situation or people in life so that we can start over? There are so many tabs open in my Mind Browser causing me to move ever so slow… I almost need a system reboot!

The thought of wanting to use my “task manager” is brought on by a text I receive. It’s close to midnight and here comes my children’s father…”You really want to do this. I’ll give you whatever you want.” I start to massage my temple. He is not going to give me a headache tonight. He literally just got on my nerves when he came back into town. Not respectful of my time, attempting to be controlling…I’m not interested, he doesn’t see how he will never change, never grow up. I don’t know how many times I have to tell him, “I’m Done!”. That’s one task I want to end and end very hard so that he is aware there is no coming back. I think Jazmin Sullivan said it best, “I’m in love with another man…” Ain’t no if, ands or discussion…🤷🏾‍♀️

I sit quietly on my bed, laptop resting on my legs and music playing in my ears from my phone. Candles are lit all over the room. Sitting on my bed is to keep me from crying, my laptop on my legs is to keep me in place and the music is to quiet all the thoughts in my mind. Although I’d love to find the master switch to turn this muhfukah OFF. The music isn’t helping tonight, so I’m still doing all the thinking in the world. It has been a fucking day. To start, I didn’t sleep well last night, woke up stupid early on my day off, suffered through trying to tolerate family all while entertaining my younger cousins and my kids all day.

I sit and just stare at the screen. It’s blank. Blank like when I close my eyes these days. I see nothing. Just empty space.

This cannot be life frfr…I shake my head…shove away the tiny voice that I hear telling me everything is going to be ok. When Optimistic Opal? Just fucking when? Because I thought 2019 was a bunch of bullshit…then 2020 reared its ugly head and 2021 is about to finish off the little ounce of optimism I had. My mind channels change and I start to think about something totally random. This is my life these days. Sitting with my thoughts, trying to sort out life and where to fucking go from here.

Daydreaming again and I am suddenly reviewing the most amazing last few days. Those are days I don’t mind reliving over and over again. Nothing extravagant, just time with someone I love. My phone vibrates and I see it’s my brother, I ignore his call. I’ve started about 17 blog posts and posted none, I need to do this tonight.

Moonlight at Huntington Park

I look around in the dark…I probably won’t go to sleep unless I venture to the Mysterious Beyond and delight myself with some Vegan Tobacco. I look around and I see my materials but I honestly don’t want to do anything right now. I have a quick flashback of when the slip and slide got the best of my babygirl and she hit her head. It was then that I ended Cousin Day 2021. I was standing in the front yard holding my daughter while she cried. She’s a pretty tough kid, so when she cries I am always right there to insert my shoulder, Mommie kisses, snacks and snuggles. I get up to travel across the house to sKID ROW (the s is silent) to check on her and her brother.

I get the urge to usher both my babies to my bed. Why sleep alone? At least if they are in my bed, it will force me to have to get up to work in the morning instead of laying in the bed and working from my laptop.

I clear my bed for my temporary guests…I need to lay down even if I just stare at the ceiling for the next few hours.

Author: ~California Dreamer~

Just an average silly, nerdy chick. That's weird in probably a million different ways, sharing my sometimes fucked up life with you. Showing others that they should enjoy life, because there's always someone in a worse situation.

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