~California Dreamer~

Another New Downplayed Normal

It seems like just yesterday, I was a carefree and semi-balanced woman, living life without a care in the world. But now, as I navigate the treacherous journey of this next transition in life early, my emotions are sent on a rollercoaster ride like never before. Mood swings, tantrums, and tears have become my new companions. It’s been a little while, have a seat. Let me share with you my experience this far.

First, let me emphasize that these mood swings are no laughing matter. They can be incredibly unsettling and confusing, not just for me but also for those around me. It is crucial to acknowledge that these emotional fluctuations are not a reflection of my true character or intentions, but rather a result of the hormonal imbalances unleashed by this unwelcome change in my life.

One moment I may find myself overwhelmed with joy, feeling on top of the world, appreciating every small victory or cherished moment. But then, out of nowhere, a cloud of melancholy descends, casting a shadow over everything I hold dear. I can go from smiling and laughing to crying inconsolably in a matter of minutes, leaving those close to me bewildered, confused and frustrated.

What exacerbates these mood swings is the unpredictability. Despite the fact that I am unable to predict my emotional response to any given situation, I sometimes withdraw from social interactions or isolate myself in an attempt to spare others from my swirling emotions. It can be an isolating experience, and often I feel like I’m watching myself from afar, wondering if I will ever regain control. This is truly an out of body experience.

On top of the erratic emotional shifts, this transition also brings physical discomfort and sleep disturbances, which act like fuel to the fiery emotional rollercoaster. The lack of quality sleep can further intensify my mood swings, leaving me irritable and easily frustrated during the day. Simple tasks that were once manageable suddenly become insurmountable challenges, and I find myself snapping at those around me when they offer their help or make well-intentioned suggestions.

Through it all, I find myself desperately seeking solace and understanding. I want those around me to recognize that these symptoms are not deliberate acts of provocation or manipulation; they are a side effect of the monumental transition my body is going through. I crave empathy, patience, and compassion from those that I love during this trying time.

Even though menopause is a temporary phase, I am currently struggling to envision myself on the other side. So, if you encounter a woman going through menopause, please remember the turbulence she may be experiencing. Be a pillar of support, offer a listening ear without judgment, and understand that what she is going through is merely a temporary storm in an otherwise vibrant an woman’s life.

Post Enucleation Thoughts

The day started early and was full of anxiety. Time had flown by and it was surgery day already. I wanted to treat today like a work meeting during one of my endometriosis flare ups. I could join surgery from my bed with my camera off or reschedule it all together. The twinge of pain in my abdomen quickly reminded me why I needed to have this surgery. It is something that I have avoided in order to take care of everyone and everything else until the pain and problems began to cause a decline in my quality of life.

These procedures were both emotionally and physically taxing. Throw in some pain medication and I have declared myself temporarily decrepit. Women truly face unique challenges within the healthcare system, enduring inadequate care, dismissive attitudes and gender biases. I feel that it is imperative to shed light on this unsettling reality and advocate for the betterment of all women’s health.

It is very unfortunate that women are frequently faced with dismissive attitudes from healthcare professionals (medical providers, nurses, lab and ultrasound technicians, etc.) when it comes to our concerns. Many women have experienced a lack of empathy or belief from medical staff, leading to delayed diagnoses, untreated conditions, and unnecessary suffering. Our health concerns should never be undermined or trivialized, as women experiences and symptoms are valid and deserving of the utmost attention.

Women’s pain is often underestimated and incorrectly documented leading to inadequate pain management. Moreover, some medical conditions predominantly affecting women, such as endometriosis or polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), have historically received disproportionately less attention and research funding compared to other illnesses. This disparity perpetuates the neglect of women’s health concerns.

While reproductive health is an integral part of our overall well-being, it is often treated as an afterthought. Access to reproductive healthcare, including safe and legal abortions, contraception, and fertility treatments, is a fundamental right! However, we frequently face barriers such as limited access, affordability issues, and judgments based on personal beliefs or societal taboos. These obstacles prevent women from making well-informed decisions about their bodies, reproductive health, and planned parenthood. In addition to reproductive health, women of color specifically face racial disparities and a lack of trust in their concerns during pregnancy and childbirth. These inequalities further emphasize the urgent need for comprehensive and unbiased women’s healthcare.

Conditions like anxiety, postpartum depression, and PTSD are brushed off or dismissed as hormonal changes or exaggerated emotions. This lack of understanding and empathy perpetuates the underdiagnosis, under treatment, and unnecessary suffering of women dealing with health struggles. Addressing these issues is vital to ensure that we receive the care and support we deserve. By promoting gender equality, raising awareness, and empowering women to advocate for themselves, we can work toward creating a healthcare system that prioritizes women’s health, respect, and dignity. It is high time we write a new narrative – one that ensures equal treatment for all within the healthcare realm all over the World.

The Rollercoaster of Emotions as my Oldest Child Embarks on the Teenage Journey

Parenting is an ever evolving journey, with different milestones marking each of my children’s growth. From their first steps to their first day of school, each milestone is filled with a mix of joy, pride, and apprehension. Yet, the moment my daughter became a teenager, it was as though a door swung open, revealing a new chapter in our lives. As a mother, I find myself on the cusp of mixed emotions as my firstborn transitions into this adolescent phase – a beautiful yet tumultuous time. Join me as I reflect upon this momentous milestone and share the emotional whirlwind that it brings.

Now that my daughter is entering her teenage years, I can’t help but feel a tinge of nostalgia. It feels like just yesterday when she was a curious toddler, eager to explore the world with wide eyes. This sense of longing for her earlier years is accompanied by bittersweet emotions, as I am fully aware that she is now taking her first steps towards adulthood. Time seems to flown by, leaving me eager to cherish those memories while simultaneously embracing the journey ahead.

I know “teenhood” is characterized by the desire for autonomy and independence. It is natural and part of the developmental process, but it also comes with its fair share of challenges. Witnessing my daughter’s yearning for freedom can be unsettling, as it often clashes with my protective instincts. Balancing her need for independence while providing guidance requires a delicate dance, where I must foster trust and open communication while setting appropriate boundaries.

This time is where emotions run deep and uncharted waters are often explored. As my daughter experiences newfound hormonal fluctuations and emotional intensity, I brace myself for more of the inevitable mood swings and temperamental moments that also appear with her introduction to “young Ladyhood”. One minute, she may be full of laughter and fun, and in the next, tears may stream down her face. It’s challenging but essential to be a steady rock during this turbulent time, offering empathy and reassurance while recognizing her evolving emotional landscape.

Teenagers are known to seek guidance not only from their parents but also from their peers. Watching my daughter’s social circle morph and observing the influence these interactions have on her choices and behaviors can be both exciting and concerning. Encouraging healthy social connections and fostering open conversations about positive peers has become crucial in shaping her journey on this new path.

It feels as though I’m entering the twilight zone, where I am navigating uncharted territory. The rules of engagement change, and a once straightforward approach to parenting no longer suffice. Patience, adaptability, and a willingness to learn alongside her has become paramount. Educating myself as a parent on the challenges faced by teenagers, from technology to mental health, will enable me to provide the support and guidance she needs during this time.

Watching my daughter evolve from a child to a teenager is a bittersweet journey that fills me with a whirlwind of emotions. Nostalgia, the dance of independence, emotional turbulence, and the influence of peers – all form parts of this transformative chapter. As a mother, I am determined to embrace the ever-changing dynamics and be a pillar of support, understanding, and love as my baby navigates the twists and turns of teenagehood. While the journey may be challenging at times, I am eager to witness her growth, resilience, and blossoming personality that I know she possesses.

Happy Birthday to the most beautiful, smart and creative 13 year old on this planet! I love you to the moon and back!

Surviving to Living

After a good meditation session early this morning I no longer have the desire to be “the strong one”. I have always been the strong person. I’ve always had to be the strong child, sibling, parent and friend. As of today I no longer desire to be that person because I realize that it is unhealthy.

At almost 40 years old, I’m now understanding that being “the strong one” is not a flex and it is tiring. I really think I’m truly tired now because I have realized that I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember. I continually operate in fight or flight mode. I have been living in survival mode.

Most people don’t understand that “the strong one” carries a lot on the daily. A tremendous deal of trauma. The strength that everyone thinks is a gift, is merely a shield that is used to block people and situations from hurting us. This is definitely not something to be proud of and again in no shape or form healthy.

It is better known as a defense mechanism. If you only knew how badly I would love to just relax in a space where I am comfortable, sit down with no time constraints, and allow someone genuine to come into this space and love me unconditionally. And I’m not referring to a romantic relationship but also friends and family that WANT to occupy space with me. I want to be able to truly trust others. I want to be able to be more feminine and less masculine. Hell, I want to be able to understand and trust myself enough to know that I am allowing the right people into my space. But it is hard. I have been repeatedly hurt, used, abused, and have experienced so much trauma for so long that I didn’t know where to start.

Well my starting point is my blog post, right now, today. As of this moment I can no longer be ‘that person’ for anyone because I need to be that person for myself. I am constantly drained because I am always pouring into someone else, supporting someone else, reaching out and being there for someone else. But I don’t have enough people pouring into me. And I realize that it may not be because they don’t want to, but because they feel as though I don’t need it since I have managed to still be able to smile and exist after many losses, tests and trials in this lifetime.

I encourage anyone reading this to make a conscious effort to check on their “strong” friends, siblings, children, parents and other loved ones that are hyper independent. Reach out to those that you don’t think need you, because they are probably feeling just like me too.

Always remember, every person that comes into your life is only there for a limited time, so show up and be present. Sometimes later never comes and tomorrow is too late.

Happy Mother’s Day

Candy dish on the counter, music playing and the house is sparkling clean. She’s dressed with nowhere to go. Every Mother’s Day my Mom would say she didn’t want anything and didn’t want to go anywhere. But all year she didn’t know that I kept a running tab of things she saw on TV, things she saw in a store or on a sales flyer in her mailbox that she claimed she wanted, had to have or couldn’t live without. So gift giving was super easy. She always wanted something but didn’t need anything. This is so familiar lol.

Every Mother’s Day was at home. Never in a restaurant. Never a big party. Just us at home with music, some food, a few gifts and quality time. The food caused us to nap so it was truly an entire day spent with her.

So relaxed and chilled, I wonder if my Mother ever questioned how good of a Mother she thought she was. I wonder if she measured how good of a Mother she was based on what we did for her or what we gifted her. There was never a year she didn’t get something. Even as a struggling young adult, if I couldn’t buy her something, I made her something. And I never left out my Brother. The gift was always from us if he didn’t personally get her anything.

This morning I watched the video of my last Mother’s Day with her. May 13, 2018 we were all with her at home. I said “all” as if our family is huge. My brother, his girlfriend (at the time), my kids and I filled the living room of my Mom’s apartment. She cooked that morning and put her food up. She knew I always came with food. But she always sent me and the kids home with food too so she would cook. Seafood was her favorite. So I always made sure to get it from one of her favorite restaurants hot and fresh. She would spend the day playing with the kids, talking to my brother and I about what was going on and drank her beer. She was the coolest Mother. Never asking for a lot of anything but some of your time. And I tried to give her all I had.

That’s what makes me most sad about Mothers Day. Not being able to spend that time with her all day to do absolutely nothing but just exist in the same space with her. To see her smile and laugh with the kids. They brought out the absolute best in her. And then to watch her nap peacefully knowing she was safe, well taken care of and loved.

Mothers carry the world on their shoulders, life in their womb and the weight of the world as it affects their family on their backs. One day is not nearly enough to celebrate and acknowledge all that Mothers do on a daily basis or in a lifetime. And when you lose your Mother this day gains a whole new meaning.

I hope outside of gifts, cookouts and gatherings that each Mother FEELS loved, appreciated and cared for today. And for those who don’t have the privilege of spending today with their Mothers, I hope you are surrounded by love and people who understand.

Me Volví A Enamorar en Cozumel

Never thought I’d enter the last year of my 30s on a cruise. I vividly remember saying I don’t want to go on a cruise and end up like the people who boarded the Titanic. I know ignorance is bliss…

As an ode to my Roaring 30s, I opted to cruise for the first time with the one I love. And not just a first time cruise but also a cruise to a destination that neither of us had visited. I say all the time, I wish I’d met him sooner so that I could love him longer because this is how I have always wanted to feel. Happy, safe, at peace and engulfed in love.

The cruise was nothing short of amazing once we were able to get into our stateroom, take showers and change to begin our epic baecation. The night before we were upgraded to an ocean view room and I’m so glad we were. The view was amazing and much appreciated whenever we retreated to the room for a people break or nap.

Refreshing…rejuvenating…renewing

This trip revealed a lot to me. And according to my 40 and older friends, this is the part of life that is truly enjoyable…if you allow it. It’s where we truly adopt the “idgaf” attitude about a lot in life. Color me crazy, but I think I’ve been preparing for my 40s all my life lol.

Unbothered by anything and everything…we gave that cruise all we had to offer. We relaxed. Moved at our own pace throughout the day. Appreciated room service and the 10 videos that played repeatedly on the music channel as we got dressed each day (all day). New Edition’s, “Still in Love” will never be heard the same by us lol.

From the moment we left the parking garage, tired from driving hours to the port, hot, sweaty and excited, I gave up all thoughts of having to be in control to react to any situation. I attempted to put my mind on DND for 5 days and I’m so glad I did. This wonderful man that was ever so gently placed in my life made sure that I was safe at all times.

But truly here I was on a boat with thousands of people…out in the middle of the ocean. Anyone who knows me knows this is out of my norm. Upon boarding even I began to question what the fuck I was actually doing and if I’d make it. I can laugh now but at that moment I consumed all the drugs I had on hand at once in hopes of crushing any and all anxiety that had begun to creep up inside me. I remember how my encounters with others usually go and was even more thankful we upgraded to the ocean view room for the moments when I’d need to reflect on yet another crazy decision I have haphazardly made.

Anytime we’re out and about it’s always a vibe. You have me who always attracts the strangest but nicest people. And then Baby Love who meets no stranger. So just imagine the people that we met…awesome couples/people, cute and respectful kids and heavy handed bartenders. We celebrated a young couples engagement, and shared advice for their many years of happiness together. We talked to an interracial couple about parenting today. Debates occurred often lol. There was one about the pool being empty or full. And also whether or not there were jumping fish in the ocean as we sat among the chill folks on the smoking deck lol. I was asked so many times how many drinks I had consumed but I was usually always not tripping and things were as they appeared lol. (Except for the 2 hours I kept saying the boat was moving and it wasn’t lmao)

Well I never made it to the front of the boat to reenact the scene from the Titanic when Kate was flying. (I warned you that I was weird and yes I linked the clip just in case you forgot the best scene from the entire movie). But the most epic part of our vacation was not even my actual birthday. The day before my birthday we docked in Cozumel. I tried to find the most unique excursion to do with my Baby Love. Mostly because it’s just my nature but also because from the time I realized I love this man, I wanted us to experience all the “firsts” imaginable together. Late starts don’t eliminate all firsts. And so that led us to walking on the bottom of the ocean floor!

If you’re ever in Cozumel, please visit Seatrek in Downtown Cozumel inside Jeanie’s Restaurant & Bar. The restaurant staff was amazing but the diving team at Seatrek were God’s gift to tourists. It’s an experience to remember and the best part is you don’t have to know how to swim. I’m telling you…go.live.your.best.life!

I’ve never doubted the love I have for him. But every time I caught a glimpse of him I got warm and fuzzy like a teenage girl. 3 years doesn’t seem like a long time at all but it feels like I’ve loved this man far beyond this lifetime.

Letter to my Mother

Best Friend!!!

Two years have gone by where I can’t aggravate you by singing and dancing, cook you food and have you rate and critique it, go shopping and meet random people, call and complain about your son, or sit on the phone with you just because I feel alone. You were indeed my person to experience life with.

As I navigate through some women’s health issues I’m even more emotional because I don’t have you here to discuss this part of life. I can’t beg you to come to my appointments with me or call you about my symptoms. Which would lead you to share every home remedy you can remember. When the kids are just being kids but my hormones won’t let me be patient, I can’t call and vent hoping you’ll let them hang with Nana for a weekend. When I can’t sleep, I’m bored, sad or lonely, I can’t call you and just sit on the phone talking about everything until I fall asleep. I don’t get to hear you laugh and joke with the kids and I don’t get to watch you get your elderly butt in the floor to play with them lol. I don’t get to watch scary movies with you in broad daylight. I don’t get to dream with you out loud and make plans for the future.

These last two years, I’ve struggled. A LOT. I’ve burrowed myself inside the house, I’ve not eaten, showered or gotten out of bed at times. I’ve been an antisocial hermit. But this year is a little different. My parallel sibling is home and we are able to get through the day together. I’d love to say the tears are less but they aren’t. Thoughts of you have not faded and you’re still the topic of many conversations.

You told us this…you said all the time that we’d miss you when you were gone. And Mommie I do!!! I miss you terribly. I truly thought I was your Genie in a Bottle, your Guardian Angel, your Shield/Protector, your Nurse, your Princess of Peace. But now I see you were all those things to me. It was an honor being your daughter. Even though you’re physically not here, the pressure to succeed still remains in me.

So save us a seat at the table next to you in the next lifetime…there’s so much we have to talk about and so many hugs I want to give you. Always missing you. See you again one day 💜💜💜