Tag: #grace

Letter to my Mother

Best Friend!!!

Two years have gone by where I can’t aggravate you by singing and dancing, cook you food and have you rate and critique it, go shopping and meet random people, call and complain about your son, or sit on the phone with you just because I feel alone. You were indeed my person to experience life with.

As I navigate through some women’s health issues I’m even more emotional because I don’t have you here to discuss this part of life. I can’t beg you to come to my appointments with me or call you about my symptoms. Which would lead you to share every home remedy you can remember. When the kids are just being kids but my hormones won’t let me be patient, I can’t call and vent hoping you’ll let them hang with Nana for a weekend. When I can’t sleep, I’m bored, sad or lonely, I can’t call you and just sit on the phone talking about everything until I fall asleep. I don’t get to hear you laugh and joke with the kids and I don’t get to watch you get your elderly butt in the floor to play with them lol. I don’t get to watch scary movies with you in broad daylight. I don’t get to dream with you out loud and make plans for the future.

These last two years, I’ve struggled. A LOT. I’ve burrowed myself inside the house, I’ve not eaten, showered or gotten out of bed at times. I’ve been an antisocial hermit. But this year is a little different. My parallel sibling is home and we are able to get through the day together. I’d love to say the tears are less but they aren’t. Thoughts of you have not faded and you’re still the topic of many conversations.

You told us this…you said all the time that we’d miss you when you were gone. And Mommie I do!!! I miss you terribly. I truly thought I was your Genie in a Bottle, your Guardian Angel, your Shield/Protector, your Nurse, your Princess of Peace. But now I see you were all those things to me. It was an honor being your daughter. Even though you’re physically not here, the pressure to succeed still remains in me.

So save us a seat at the table next to you in the next lifetime…there’s so much we have to talk about and so many hugs I want to give you. Always missing you. See you again one day 💜💜💜

6 Word Short Story Compilation

People who are able to express themselves easily will never understand how liberating this feels. All it takes is 6 simple words sometimes. And as simple as that sounds it still doesn’t make expressing myself any easier. The topic was negativity…maybe tomorrow I can try being more positive. Giving myself some grace today…

I woke up sad and unhappy.
I tried to smile but cried.
I really hate it here today.
I threw all their toys away.
Praying the heartache and pain away.
I painted my entire day away.
All I hear; “Oh,it’s ok!”
Sick of just hearing, “I understand”.
The conversation is almost always abandoned. 
I’m so sick of feeling empty.
Life is such a miserable place.
Why live when we can die?
Why love when we can hate?
How much more can I lose?
How much more can I take?
I have no living parents here.
I want to run far away.
Where the trees and sky meet.
I want water at my feet.
I want sun on my face.
It usually makes me feel okay.
I just want to be happy. 
I just want some damn peace.
Hell no I am not OK! 
Grief is such a muthafuckin beast.

Chance

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason.

For every action there is a reaction.

I think that people change how they act so that you can learn to let go. And if you don’t willingly let go, something(s) will happen that will force you to let go. This is where you learn to trust your instincts. Your intuition will never steer you wrong. If you get a weird feeling in the pit of your stomach. This is your intuition tugging at you to take a step back, wait a moment, or just take a look around you. (Or whatever you ate last that didn’t truly agree with you)

Random things in life go wrong so that you are able to appreciate life when everything seems to be going right. You can reach your lowest point ever only to receive a gift, a job, money or help from someone to get you back on your feet. And when you get back on your feet, it’s only up from there. You experiencing such hardships allow you to plan for moments as such that may or may not arise. The key is to simply be prepared and know who is in your corner.

Before we can differentiate between the truth and a lie, we believe lies to be truth. (It all began with Santa Clause…) In learning the truth through lies we learn to trust. We tend to trust those most who don’t lie and trust those less who do lie. And then there is degrees to the lies, i.e. white lies, bold faced lies, etc. By learning to trust we create bonds, relationships, etc.

Now chance is most often the result of an unexpected experience from when the great and wonderful things in life just fall the fuck apart. When this happens all of life seems to come crashing down ever so abruptly. And in that moment all we can do is feel the emotions, see the turmoil, and mentally sabotage what good we have that we aren’t truly seeing at the moment. Then out of nowhere positive things start to happen. It changes the way you think, you stop dwelling on the negative so much and embrace the positive that is happening.

Call it what you want…chance, fate, destiny…

Now these are merely only my opinions and my approach to life. I don’t expect everyone or anyone to agree. But after a lifetime of upset, disappoinment, heartache and pain. I had to learn how to navigate my the not so happy moments in my life. What works for me may not work for you, but this is where I dump my thoughts so….eh

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