Category: Just ‘Cause

“Special Place”

I do weird things, I cope in weird ways and thankfully I’ve never been one of those people who need to be accepted or felt the need to follow the crowd. I like what I like and I do what makes me happy.

I do however, live in my head a lot. Which could be a positive or negative thing. Once upon a time, I use to write a lot. I do mean a lot to empty my thoughts. Poetry was my escape. My journals were full of poems. Some happy and cheerful. Most sad, dark and dreary. I don’t think I have an end of the spectrum that I stick to.

Tonight I couldn’t sleep. And tonight all I could hear is my Baby Love’s voice saying I just want to know what’s in that head of yours. Nobody really wants to know what is inside of this dome! It’s truly a bunch of bullshit scrolling across a marquee most of the time, a few “F” bombs and then that color block screen that use to be on the televisions back in the day at night when programming was done for the night. (These are all filters) The real shit is buried in the corners and it’s scary, dark and just damn right depressing. I don’t want to share that with anyone. Energy draining much?

Well tonight I wrote…surprised, I lifted the lid to this Macbook because I’m feeling really carpal tunnelish. I began doodling earlier during a meeting and decided to use that paper to write on…and when I start doodling, it is sort of hard to stop. It’s quite therapeutic for me. The poetry bug hit me. And since I rarely share any of it, tonight I’m being daring. 

"Special Place"

There's this thing I do
When I think of you
It's a game I play
Where I sit and close my eyes while reality fades away
I visit this "special place"
Far beyond the stars and space

I go to this place you see
Because no one exists there besides you and me
And in this "special place" everything is perfectly alright
Nothing but our love exists and we never seem to leave each other's sight
In this "special place" there is no sadness
No grief, no frustrations or irritations, no judges, none of that madness
There's no rules to follow and no laws to break
No people, bars or walls to hold us back or keep us separate

No time to wait until we can kiss or touch
And no more of just saying you "I love you" - instead we show how much 
A ping, ding or call signifies that my game must end
I have to open my eyes and allow reality to set in
But one day soon - and we both know when
I won't have to close my eyes and play the game ever again

-RDW

Next Level Christmas Caroling

The fact that they were positioned perfectly was enough for me lol.

I had to solicit help for staging today. I got to see first hand how the kids feel when they find Jaxon. It is pretty funny lol.

I guess I will keep up the tradition until they are a little older then he will get gray, grow and beard and die. I’m not going to make him pack and go away like most. He’s going to mimic real life. We’re even going to care for him in a enclosed case…it’s amazing how I’m already mapping out Jaxon’s end smh.

Legally Single…

I rarely read the newspaper, involve myself with reality TV or watch the news. The world could be ending, but I’d be enjoying life and not even aware. Today an article popped up that maybe I needed to see. The headline read: Kim Kardashian West Asks Judge To Be Declared Legally Single Amid Kanye West Divorce.

I’m feeling this Kimberly!!!

I read through the article and felt a sense of familiarity to a statement that Kim made. Once upon a time co-parenting and the happiness of my kids was also a priority. And then one day that dumb fucker made me almost revisit a place I promised myself to never go again.

I replay that day in my head a lot. My peace was disturbed, my space was invaded, I felt disrespected, manipulated and backed into a corner for the absolute last time in my life. I was ready to choose violence over my freedom. And oddly it wasn’t my kids that changed my mind.

I always attribute a big life changing situation to a person or people. For example I purchased my home to provide my kids with a nice and beautiful place to live, and to one day inherit. I went to college to establish a lucrative career to be able to take care of my Mom and later my own family. I’ve never really just done something or reacted a certain way depending upon how it would affect just me.

This particular day I couldn’t even cry in that moment no matter how furious I felt. I opted to not put that asshole on a t-shirt for ME. Because for once I was happy. I was in a good place in life. I was/am deserving of the love I found and have. And I wasn’t going to give this idiot the pleasure of allowing me to take him out of his misery simply because I was “violated”.

After that I gave up the thought of co-parenting and doing all I could to make my kids comfortable and happy through the devastating event of divorce.

Welcome to Jumanji kids…aka Life.

Shit isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. Just like people you love die, so does the relationships of people you love. Sometimes the people are true adults and it’s easy and the kids are able to experience that continued happiness. And then there’s times where both of the people aren’t adults and the best thing they can do is to disconnect and allow each other to take advantage of the space and time to “grow” with the situation as well as grow up.

This was me choosing ME. If I could do the day over again I wouldn’t change a single detail. It was needed and necessary no matter how stressful it was. I felt like it was a test. And I feel that I passed regardless of my current circumstances. Today I’m accepting because of my decision I won’t have a break, I’m a damn good Single Mother and money is tight as hell. But it won’t be like this always. It’s a temporary situation.

Now let me check our state and see if I too can ask the judge to declare me legally single amid my divorce 😉