Category: Just ‘Cause

Healing Doesn’t Have to Be Pretty


It’s been a rough week, and honestly, I haven’t felt like my usual chipper self.  Let’s just say the “wash my face, cry in the shower, eat ice cream” phase has been hitting hard.


But here’s the thing I’m realizing: it’s okay.  Social media might paint this picture of perfect post-breakup healing, but let me tell you, it’s messy AF!  There are days when sadness hangs heavy, and anger comes out in unexpected ways (RIP planter).


I’m allowing myself to feel the feels.  Sometimes it’s a sob fest, other times it’s letting out all the emotions into a journal.  Bottling it up only makes the pressure build, and I’m all about releasing that pressure in healthy ways (maybe minus the planter-related collateral damage).


This doesn’t mean I’m staying stuck.  Healing takes time, and right now, I’m giving myself the space to grieve the end of this chapter.  It was a huge part of my life, and acknowledging that loss is important. While some days are tearjerkers, I’m also leaning on my amazing friends, indulging in comfort food (hello, cheese Naan), and rediscovering things that make me happy (painting and drawing).


Remember, healing isn’t linear.  There will be ups and downs, and that’s perfectly okay.  We all move at our own pace, and right now, mine involves a healthy dose of self-compassion and maybe a box of Kleenex.

Worth the Effort

I woke up feeling good today. Ready to tackle the grocery store instead of shopping online. And browsing for flooring and new living room furniture.

Moving on is hard. Life around you is business as usual and you’re stuck in time. On a day where your life changed forever.

The cat calls, the compliments and advances from men…they are unwarranted. Unsolicited. I say thank you, no thank you and inside I have this consistent ache in my chest that reminds me that I’ll never be worth the effort to any man in this lifetime.

I’ve made peace with just that this week. It’ll take a lifetime for me to heal from all that I’ve endure and buried. And while I was looking for someone to love me through my healing, I’ll provide myself with that love that I want so bad.

Chapter 39 officially closed. ❤️‍🩹

Pushing Thru

It’s vet day for the pups.

Over the last few years I’ve missed vet appts and shots to support/nurture my relationship. I love my baby dogs so caring for them should have been a priority of mine. I can’t change the past but I can do better moving forward.

So getting myself together includes getting my little furry support system together too.

Getting back to writing, drawing and painting. The things that brought me peace and comfort. Taking things one day at a time, relying heavily on my support tools/resources and loving myself like never before ❤️‍🩹

Dragging

Each morning is like a bad dream. I trusted yet another man with my deepest and darkest fears, my dreams, my goals.

Every day I have to remind myself that I can get through this no matter how much it feels like I just will never. All I wanted was for him to just do one of the many things he said he’d do to show me he was truly different. I just wanted to have to stop begging to be talked to. I just wanted a hug when I was dealing with all that menopause had to offer. I just wanted to go out and have fun and not sit in front of the TV as the only source of entertainment. I wanted someone to cook with, enjoy the kids with, travel with. And as much as I kept asking what he really wanted out of the relationship, I was constantly met with a question instead of an answer or something so vague that it made me question his intentions a lot but I naively discarded those thoughts quickly. Each time until I couldn’t.

I looked past his past life, things he had done that he wasn’t proud of. I tried to be nothing short of supportive when he was going through the mental turmoil of his trial. I didn’t judge him. I actually loved this man and thought the world of him. I saw more potential in him than he saw in himself. I continued to be positive. Praying that he stay mentally intact to make it through this rough time. I stuck by his side. When his ex was ridiculing and being petty making fun of his possible demise, I still remained positive. Encouraging him to ignore the negative and have faith. And even when he didn’t. I tried to have the faith and positivity on his behalf.

I don’t have to throw around all the things I did for him but I have to remind myself that the things he said leading to my ultimate decision to end things were not true and are debunked by all those actions and more. He was upset and was just saying hurtful things because he was hurting. He didn’t realize that before all this I was with him hurting and even then it nor I seemed important. So his words just solidified all my intrusive thoughts. And knowing that I live in my head, he didn’t openly communicate with me to assure me that he truly loved me.

I opened my heart, my home and my children up to someone who couldn’t even SHOW me he cared or loved me when I desperately was begging for it. I didn’t want money. I just wanted to be seen, heard, respected , supported and appreciated. See me, hug me, love me, talk to me about anything and everything. Be my friend. After 4 years, I thought things would be different. Thought there would be some improvement but things kept getting worse. The “break” ended before it ever started because his pride and ego were larger than life, the professional help that I had for us, he made excuses for not using, resources I shared were always forgotten but I was always to blame for things not “going right”. Verbal abuse began between us via text and phone calls and I felt trapped back in my toxic marriage and I wanted out. So I got out. Even in me exiting, he didn’t try to DO anything to change my mind. To show me the better that he was doing. He just continued to say more and more hateful things. I’m in menopause. I’m hormonal, emotional and this definitely requires the support of an emotionally secure man. And a man that knows his partner well enough to be able to identify when she is herself and when she’s having a “flare” and to ignore it because it’s something she can’t control and will pass quickly. The feelings of being an inadequate woman because I don’t have control over my body during this time. The intrusive thoughts about my body image. Worrying if I was the cause of his erectile issues. Just so much mentally that I was dealing with and still trying to support him and our relationship, work, maintain the home bc he wanted to travel for work and raise children. But it seems he just wanted to get himself together at the expense of tying up my time, using my home as storage and wanting me to continue to “foot bills” while he got it together instead of working with me. Wanting to meet me where I was in life when I was trying to SHARE my life with him so he didn’t have to start from scratch bc the time ain’t there. I see how pressed I was for love and support now and I can say I am ashamed and I regret wasting his time too because I should have let him go before he was incarcerated.

Now I have to stop feeling bad and beating myself up because he didn’t put action behind the words he chose to share with me. He cheated on me and then shared that he regretted telling me after lying to me and saying that I could take whatever time I needed to get through it. I loved him way more than he loved me and I was too blind to see it. This was never what he wanted. At each point where he got down he wanted to return back to the toxicity that he told me he no longer wanted. I believed him each time he came back with an excuse. And each time he got more comfortable.

Exiting jail with someone else controlling his every movement, seemed to have turned him into a bit of a controlling man because he wasn’t like that before. He was no longer ok with how I lived and loved life. He was no longer ok with my children. He didn’t like them, didn’t want to talk to them just like he didn’t want to talk to me. They began to resent me and not want to be with me. So I have menopause mental instability coupled with resentment from my children and then my support was attacking me.

So today I have to officially let go of the thoughts of what could have been with this relationship. I have to accept that it’s going to take some consistent therapy and time to do so. I was certain that this was my “happily ever after”. I tried to do things differently in this relationship than in my last. Sharing my relationship wants up front. Sharing my boundaries. Explaining that due to my relationship with my late Father I don’t know how to and cannot allow myself to depend or NEED anyone because I’ve constantly had to show up for myself because everyone else just wants to tell me what to do, tell me what they think I want to hear and not really help do anything. Being more vulnerable than I’ve ever been with anyone, sharing things about myself that I’m working on but may screw up from time to time and asking for grace.

Every time I think I’ve experienced the worst type of hurt I’m presented with more. How I currently feel is how I felt after being raped. Empty. Used. Abused. Worthless. And to think when I shared this with him in my most vulnerable state he promised to never let anyone hurt me. But it ended up being him who hurt me the worse by breaking what pieces of my heart I had left.

It’s going to take me a long time to grieve this lost too. Here’s my first step…

I forgive you Ray. I thank you for the years that you definitely made me happy. They were absolutely wonderful. You taught me how to love in a different way and I will always appreciate that. I’m sorry that things didn’t work out as we hoped and I’m disappointed that you weren’t able to respectfully end things so that we could remain friends. I have love in my heart for you always and I wish you nothing but the best.

Heartbroken

I regret opening my heart one more time to someone who consistently showed me that I was not important to them.

I regret staying with this man after he cheated. Because I truly was trying to give him a chance.

I regret all the help I provided. I regret allowing myself to be in a position to feel this pain. And this time it hurts so much more because I truly trusted, respected and loved this man.

Life continues to give me these hard lessons that involves my heart being broken into tiny pieces. Maybe one day it will end. Maybe one day soon.

All I wanted was someone to truly love me. And not just tell me like everyone in my life but actually show me. Spend time with me outside of the mundane mindless TV watching. Get to know me through deep conversation/dialogue. To talk to me as if I’m a friend and not a child. Not to try to control or change me. To respect me as a woman, a Mother, someone who has been hurt by so many and is just looking for genuine love. Accepting that life has shaped me the way I am and respect it even if it’s not understood and to love me unconditionally to break down the walls that people keep showing me are necessary to have up to keep from being hurt. Someone to listen and not judge.

I never thought he’d say some of the things he’s said to me. I never thought I’d have to end things on such a bad note. But people are consistently comfortable with hurting me. And I’m over it.

Finding Peace At Forty

Great Smoky Mountains National Park

At the cusp of four decades, a profound shift has taken hold, beckoning me to reassess my life again and seek solace amidst the whirlwind of my existence.

Finding peace at forty was a journey of introspection, acceptance, and a graceful surrender to the ebb and flow of my human experience. It was a time to completely shed societal expectations, embrace my wonderful uniqueness, and forge my own path toward contentment.

A solo birthday trip taught me that cultivating self-awareness, practicing mindfulness, and fostering meaningful connections, is what unlocks the elusive tranquility I crave. It required a gentle release of the relentless pursuit of perfection, a compassionate acknowledgment of my imperfections, and a deep appreciation for the beauty of the present moment.

I learned that finding peace at forty was not a destination but rather an ongoing process, a continuous exploration of my inner landscape, leading me to a place of serenity and fulfillment.

Help

In an effort to take care of myself I got back into therapy after being noncompliant for over 2 years. In addition to me being noncompliant the availability of providers has been slim to none.

Nonetheless, I logged off from work, messaged my team that I was leaving my desk and that I’d be right back. I never thought I’d be sending someone a message to let them know I was on my way to the hospital.

I drove across town to my appointment only to be told my appointment was canceled. I didn’t care about the reason, I needed to be seen. To be heard. I can tell they were very familiar with crisis situations because when I lost it on the receptionist, the nurse instantly told me to take a deep breath but it was too late. This was the breaking point that Robin was talking about. I had met it. After closing my eyes and slightly yelling through my teeth, I took a deep breath and apologized to the ladies.

This next part is the part that scared me. I walked to my car. Before I got in, I threw my purse clean across the car. I got in, put my keys in the ignition and just sat there. Instantly all the feelings of the last 3.5 years hit me. I screamed, I had a full blown adult tantrum. I took some deep breaths and couldn’t get it together. For the third time in my life I decided to lean on the people who “got” me. One of my best friends was first because she’s in close proximity. She couldn’t answer. I moved down my list. Called my Brother. Texted. Facetimed. No one answered. I threw all my devices. Here I am, experiencing what I’d later find out was a mental breakdown and I had no one that could take a moment and answer to just show me they cared or that I mattered.

My next thought was to call my other half but lately when I try to express how I’m feeling, it ends in an argument and that in itself is triggering and I didn’t want to be blamed again for having feelings and stepping outside my box and sharing said feelings. In the midst of the chaos I grabbed my phone to call my Mom. And when it hit me that she was no longer here, I really lost it.

Anytime I ever called her, day or night, she answered and she listened. Without judgement. Without being a Mom and wanting to offer advice. I always told her she was so easy to talk to. But here I am breaking the fuck down and she’s not here. And to top it off heaven doesn’t have a phone. (Who built this place with no telecommunication? Doesn’t God know I NEED my Mother?) I instantly cycled through grief a million times at warp speed. Squeezing my eyes so tight because I kept seeing flashes of images and inaudible motion pictures of times I spent with my Mom, both my Grandfather’s, my Great Grandmas, My Great Grandfather, my Grandmother and then my Father. I have not sat down and just dealt with the fact that I cared for each and every one of those people and they are no longer here with me. Then thoughts of work and all I have to do flooded my thoughts. Things I wanted to do but couldn’t. People I wish I had but don’t.

I tried to dismantle the dashboard of my car. I felt alone in a world full of people. Here I am a woman with no source, no point of origin, just losing my shit second after minute. Home was not on my mind, I needed some immediate help. So once I could stop crying enough to drive, I made my way to the hospital. Yes, I. Needed. Help.

I walked into the hospital, I’m sure dishelved as ever with tears rolling down my face, hyperventilating and wheezing. I didn’t care who saw me. I didn’t care what anyone thought. I was actively losing my shit. And all by myself. The insurmountable thoughts that were swirling in my head were alarming. The lady at the information desk quietly walked me back to the mental health clinic. The receptionist that I usually laugh and joke with, looked concerned, she whispered to me to have a seat and she’d get someone out ASAP. As I sat in the corner my entire body tingled and trembled, and I just rocked back and forth sobbing like someone close to me had died all over again.

I felt like I had hit rock bottom. The nurse came to get me and as soon as she got me in her office, she asked if she could give me a hug. And this young lady hugged me like she was trying to absorb all the hurt, pain and anxiety I was experiencing. She patiently completed her assessment as I struggled to answer simple questions. And soon my PAC team was outside the door to “retrieve” me. They were ready to hospitalize me. And for once in my life, I was ready to go until a blink showed me a flash of my chocolate baby smiling. I cannot leave my kids, I have to get them from school. I left my PuppyBaby in my office and my FurSon was outside. My bonus son was starting basketball today and he was excited. “I can’t go, I gotta go home.”

I’m still worrying about everyone else except myself. And why? Because today I was shown don’t nobody got me like I got me. When everyone else disappoints me, I pick me up. When I’m downtrodden, I positively self talk bc who else has the time. I gotta care about me more than the people I care about. I have to prioritize my health before I crash out. Because my kids only have me…and I know the pain that comes with losing your Mother and I don’t want them to experience that any time soon.

Life didn’t stop. The world and the people in it still kept going. But if you or someone you know has PTSD, please try to understand what they are living with. Be supportive. The smallest compassionate gesture goes a long way. To all my veterans and grief stricken adults, it’s ok to not be ok and ask for help. I just pray that your help always comes or answers when you call.

If you’re struggling, it’s okay to share your feelings. Please reach out to someone. 988 Lifeline Chat and Text is a service of the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (formerly known as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline), connecting individuals with crisis counselors for emotional support and other services via web chat or texting 988.