Just ‘Cause – Page 6 – In My Unapologetic Life…

Help

In an effort to take care of myself I got back into therapy after being noncompliant for over 2 years. In addition to me being noncompliant the availability of providers has been slim to none.

Nonetheless, I logged off from work, messaged my team that I was leaving my desk and that I’d be right back. I never thought I’d be sending someone a message to let them know I was on my way to the hospital.

I drove across town to my appointment only to be told my appointment was canceled. I didn’t care about the reason, I needed to be seen. To be heard. I can tell they were very familiar with crisis situations because when I lost it on the receptionist, the nurse instantly told me to take a deep breath but it was too late. This was the breaking point that Robin was talking about. I had met it. After closing my eyes and slightly yelling through my teeth, I took a deep breath and apologized to the ladies.

This next part is the part that scared me. I walked to my car. Before I got in, I threw my purse clean across the car. I got in, put my keys in the ignition and just sat there. Instantly all the feelings of the last 3.5 years hit me. I screamed, I had a full blown adult tantrum. I took some deep breaths and couldn’t get it together. For the third time in my life I decided to lean on the people who “got” me. One of my best friends was first because she’s in close proximity. She couldn’t answer. I moved down my list. Called my Brother. Texted. Facetimed. No one answered. I threw all my devices. Here I am, experiencing what I’d later find out was a mental breakdown and I had no one that could take a moment and answer to just show me they cared or that I mattered.

My next thought was to call my other half but lately when I try to express how I’m feeling, it ends in an argument and that in itself is triggering and I didn’t want to be blamed again for having feelings and stepping outside my box and sharing said feelings. In the midst of the chaos I grabbed my phone to call my Mom. And when it hit me that she was no longer here, I really lost it.

Anytime I ever called her, day or night, she answered and she listened. Without judgement. Without being a Mom and wanting to offer advice. I always told her she was so easy to talk to. But here I am breaking the fuck down and she’s not here. And to top it off heaven doesn’t have a phone. (Who built this place with no telecommunication? Doesn’t God know I NEED my Mother?) I instantly cycled through grief a million times at warp speed. Squeezing my eyes so tight because I kept seeing flashes of images and inaudible motion pictures of times I spent with my Mom, both my Grandfather’s, my Great Grandmas, My Great Grandfather, my Grandmother and then my Father. I have not sat down and just dealt with the fact that I cared for each and every one of those people and they are no longer here with me. Then thoughts of work and all I have to do flooded my thoughts. Things I wanted to do but couldn’t. People I wish I had but don’t.

I tried to dismantle the dashboard of my car. I felt alone in a world full of people. Here I am a woman with no source, no point of origin, just losing my shit second after minute. Home was not on my mind, I needed some immediate help. So once I could stop crying enough to drive, I made my way to the hospital. Yes, I. Needed. Help.

I walked into the hospital, I’m sure dishelved as ever with tears rolling down my face, hyperventilating and wheezing. I didn’t care who saw me. I didn’t care what anyone thought. I was actively losing my shit. And all by myself. The insurmountable thoughts that were swirling in my head were alarming. The lady at the information desk quietly walked me back to the mental health clinic. The receptionist that I usually laugh and joke with, looked concerned, she whispered to me to have a seat and she’d get someone out ASAP. As I sat in the corner my entire body tingled and trembled, and I just rocked back and forth sobbing like someone close to me had died all over again.

I felt like I had hit rock bottom. The nurse came to get me and as soon as she got me in her office, she asked if she could give me a hug. And this young lady hugged me like she was trying to absorb all the hurt, pain and anxiety I was experiencing. She patiently completed her assessment as I struggled to answer simple questions. And soon my PAC team was outside the door to “retrieve” me. They were ready to hospitalize me. And for once in my life, I was ready to go until a blink showed me a flash of my chocolate baby smiling. I cannot leave my kids, I have to get them from school. I left my PuppyBaby in my office and my FurSon was outside. My bonus son was starting basketball today and he was excited. “I can’t go, I gotta go home.”

I’m still worrying about everyone else except myself. And why? Because today I was shown don’t nobody got me like I got me. When everyone else disappoints me, I pick me up. When I’m downtrodden, I positively self talk bc who else has the time. I gotta care about me more than the people I care about. I have to prioritize my health before I crash out. Because my kids only have me…and I know the pain that comes with losing your Mother and I don’t want them to experience that any time soon.

Life didn’t stop. The world and the people in it still kept going. But if you or someone you know has PTSD, please try to understand what they are living with. Be supportive. The smallest compassionate gesture goes a long way. To all my veterans and grief stricken adults, it’s ok to not be ok and ask for help. I just pray that your help always comes or answers when you call.

If you’re struggling, it’s okay to share your feelings. Please reach out to someone. 988 Lifeline Chat and Text is a service of the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (formerly known as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline), connecting individuals with crisis counselors for emotional support and other services via web chat or texting 988.

Short Story: You’re Appreciated More Than You Know

Once upon a time in a small town, there lived a woman named Rachel. Rachel was a creative, smart and hardworking individual who always put her heart and soul into everything she did. She worked as a teacher in the local elementary school and was passionate about nurturing young minds. However, despite her best efforts, it often felt like nothing she did was good enough.

Every day, Rachel arrived at the school early, prepared engaging lessons, and poured her energy into creating a positive and inspiring learning environment for her little scholars. She stayed late grading papers, and making sure each child received personalized feedback. But no matter how much effort she put in, it seemed that her dedication and love for teaching went unnoticed.

Rachel’s colleagues, on the other hand, always seemed to receive praise and recognition. Her friend, Stephanie, who taught in the classroom next door, would frequently receive accolades from parents and administrators. It was as if Rachel’s efforts were constantly overshadowed by others, leaving her feeling unappreciated and undervalued.

As months turned into years, Rachel’s sense of frustration and self-doubt grew. She started questioning her own abilities and whether she was cut out to be a teacher. The feeling of inadequacy weighed heavy on her shoulders, and it began to affect her enthusiasm for her work. Her once-vibrant classroom now seemed dull, and the spark in her eyes had dimmed.

One evening, as Rachel sat alone in her classroom, she received an unexpected note from one of her former students. The heartfelt message expressed gratitude for all she had taught and how much of an impact she had made. It was a reminder that even though her efforts might go unnoticed by some, they were not in vain. Rachel realized that her work had touched the lives of many students, even if she didn’t always receive immediate recognition.

With newfound determination, Rachel decided to focus on the passion that had initially drawn her to teaching. She remembered the joy of seeing her students learn and grow, and she chose to persevere, not for the accolades, but for the children she cared for deeply.

Over time, Rachel’s dedication and commitment became evident to those who truly mattered—her students. They began to appreciate the hard work she put into their education, and their success became her greatest reward. Rachel learned that her value as a teacher could not be measured solely by external recognition but by the impact she had on the young lives she touched.

In the end, Rachel found solace in the knowledge that, though it might sometimes feel like nothing she did was good enough, her true worth was measured by the hearts she had nurtured and the lives she had influenced. And that, to her, was more precious than any accolade.

Friendship Assignment

Friendship is a beautiful and essential part of our lives. It’s the laughter, the shared secrets, and the support that makes life’s journey a little more manageable. I’ve always valued my friendships but even more in recent years. In every group of friends, there’s often that one person who takes the initiative to coordinate get-togethers, outings, and memorable experiences. They are the glue that keeps the social circle intact, but what happens when nobody seems to reciprocate the effort?

In my old group of friends it was I, the mastermind friend behind the memorable gatherings. I was that one person who seemed to naturally take on the role of the “memory coordinator”. I was the go-to person for planning parties, outings, and even just casual hangouts. I would invest time and effort in ensuring that everyone’s schedules aligned, creating opportunities for everyone to bond, have fun and make memories.

Being the memory coordinator certainly had its benefits. I got the satisfaction of seeing my friends come together, reconnecting, and sharing joyous moments. It was rewarding to know that I played a pivotal role in making these memories possible. However, there was also a downside to this grand role.

The sad truth is that the friend who takes on the role of memory coordinator often finds themselves in a precarious situation. I was so busy orchestrating holiday events and birthday gatherings that I neglected the big fact that if I didn’t perform in my role that I would not see my friends. This ultimately lead to feelings of loneliness and frustration.

The emotional toll of being the lonely memory coordinator was significant. It was disheartening to put in so much effort only to find that my friends were not as proactive when it came to including me in any friend gathering plans as a group or individually. Over time, feelings of resentment and isolation grew deep, and it lead to a sense of being the unappreciated friend.

Because my friends are my family I chose to address the situation. I began by intimately sharing my feelings with my friends individually. When nothing changed, I stop overextending myself and waited to see if someone else would put forth effort. In the interim, I began to focus on self-care and spending time alone doing things that brought me joy. I even considered expanding my social circle and connecting with others but realized that I had invested a lot of time in my group of friends and I did not want to open myself up to be let down again by friendly individuals. Am I wrong for treating my friendship like any other relationship?

I learned to nurture my own need for friendship by practicing self-care to alleviate the feeling of being lonely. True friendships are built on mutual effort, and my friends should be willing to make time for me, just as I have done for them. Until then, I’ll vacation quietly and celebrate silently.

Another New Downplayed Normal

It seems like just yesterday, I was a carefree and semi-balanced woman, living life without a care in the world. But now, as I navigate the treacherous journey of this next transition in life early, my emotions are sent on a rollercoaster ride like never before. Mood swings, tantrums, and tears have become my new companions. It’s been a little while, have a seat. Let me share with you my experience this far.

First, let me emphasize that these mood swings are no laughing matter. They can be incredibly unsettling and confusing, not just for me but also for those around me. It is crucial to acknowledge that these emotional fluctuations are not a reflection of my true character or intentions, but rather a result of the hormonal imbalances unleashed by this unwelcome change in my life.

One moment I may find myself overwhelmed with joy, feeling on top of the world, appreciating every small victory or cherished moment. But then, out of nowhere, a cloud of melancholy descends, casting a shadow over everything I hold dear. I can go from smiling and laughing to crying inconsolably in a matter of minutes, leaving those close to me bewildered, confused and frustrated.

What exacerbates these mood swings is the unpredictability. Despite the fact that I am unable to predict my emotional response to any given situation, I sometimes withdraw from social interactions or isolate myself in an attempt to spare others from my swirling emotions. It can be an isolating experience, and often I feel like I’m watching myself from afar, wondering if I will ever regain control. This is truly an out of body experience.

On top of the erratic emotional shifts, this transition also brings physical discomfort and sleep disturbances, which act like fuel to the fiery emotional rollercoaster. The lack of quality sleep can further intensify my mood swings, leaving me irritable and easily frustrated during the day. Simple tasks that were once manageable suddenly become insurmountable challenges, and I find myself snapping at those around me when they offer their help or make well-intentioned suggestions.

Through it all, I find myself desperately seeking solace and understanding. I want those around me to recognize that these symptoms are not deliberate acts of provocation or manipulation; they are a side effect of the monumental transition my body is going through. I crave empathy, patience, and compassion from those that I love during this trying time.

Even though menopause is a temporary phase, I am currently struggling to envision myself on the other side. So, if you encounter a woman going through menopause, please remember the turbulence she may be experiencing. Be a pillar of support, offer a listening ear without judgment, and understand that what she is going through is merely a temporary storm in an otherwise vibrant an woman’s life.

Post Enucleation Thoughts

The day started early and was full of anxiety. Time had flown by and it was surgery day already. I wanted to treat today like a work meeting during one of my endometriosis flare ups. I could join surgery from my bed with my camera off or reschedule it all together. The twinge of pain in my abdomen quickly reminded me why I needed to have this surgery. It is something that I have avoided in order to take care of everyone and everything else until the pain and problems began to cause a decline in my quality of life.

These procedures were both emotionally and physically taxing. Throw in some pain medication and I have declared myself temporarily decrepit. Women truly face unique challenges within the healthcare system, enduring inadequate care, dismissive attitudes and gender biases. I feel that it is imperative to shed light on this unsettling reality and advocate for the betterment of all women’s health.

It is very unfortunate that women are frequently faced with dismissive attitudes from healthcare professionals (medical providers, nurses, lab and ultrasound technicians, etc.) when it comes to our concerns. Many women have experienced a lack of empathy or belief from medical staff, leading to delayed diagnoses, untreated conditions, and unnecessary suffering. Our health concerns should never be undermined or trivialized, as women experiences and symptoms are valid and deserving of the utmost attention.

Women’s pain is often underestimated and incorrectly documented leading to inadequate pain management. Moreover, some medical conditions predominantly affecting women, such as endometriosis or polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), have historically received disproportionately less attention and research funding compared to other illnesses. This disparity perpetuates the neglect of women’s health concerns.

While reproductive health is an integral part of our overall well-being, it is often treated as an afterthought. Access to reproductive healthcare, including safe and legal abortions, contraception, and fertility treatments, is a fundamental right! However, we frequently face barriers such as limited access, affordability issues, and judgments based on personal beliefs or societal taboos. These obstacles prevent women from making well-informed decisions about their bodies, reproductive health, and planned parenthood. In addition to reproductive health, women of color specifically face racial disparities and a lack of trust in their concerns during pregnancy and childbirth. These inequalities further emphasize the urgent need for comprehensive and unbiased women’s healthcare.

Conditions like anxiety, postpartum depression, and PTSD are brushed off or dismissed as hormonal changes or exaggerated emotions. This lack of understanding and empathy perpetuates the underdiagnosis, under treatment, and unnecessary suffering of women dealing with health struggles. Addressing these issues is vital to ensure that we receive the care and support we deserve. By promoting gender equality, raising awareness, and empowering women to advocate for themselves, we can work toward creating a healthcare system that prioritizes women’s health, respect, and dignity. It is high time we write a new narrative – one that ensures equal treatment for all within the healthcare realm all over the World.

The Rollercoaster of Emotions as my Oldest Child Embarks on the Teenage Journey

Parenting is an ever evolving journey, with different milestones marking each of my children’s growth. From their first steps to their first day of school, each milestone is filled with a mix of joy, pride, and apprehension. Yet, the moment my daughter became a teenager, it was as though a door swung open, revealing a new chapter in our lives. As a mother, I find myself on the cusp of mixed emotions as my firstborn transitions into this adolescent phase – a beautiful yet tumultuous time. Join me as I reflect upon this momentous milestone and share the emotional whirlwind that it brings.

Now that my daughter is entering her teenage years, I can’t help but feel a tinge of nostalgia. It feels like just yesterday when she was a curious toddler, eager to explore the world with wide eyes. This sense of longing for her earlier years is accompanied by bittersweet emotions, as I am fully aware that she is now taking her first steps towards adulthood. Time seems to flown by, leaving me eager to cherish those memories while simultaneously embracing the journey ahead.

I know “teenhood” is characterized by the desire for autonomy and independence. It is natural and part of the developmental process, but it also comes with its fair share of challenges. Witnessing my daughter’s yearning for freedom can be unsettling, as it often clashes with my protective instincts. Balancing her need for independence while providing guidance requires a delicate dance, where I must foster trust and open communication while setting appropriate boundaries.

This time is where emotions run deep and uncharted waters are often explored. As my daughter experiences newfound hormonal fluctuations and emotional intensity, I brace myself for more of the inevitable mood swings and temperamental moments that also appear with her introduction to “young Ladyhood”. One minute, she may be full of laughter and fun, and in the next, tears may stream down her face. It’s challenging but essential to be a steady rock during this turbulent time, offering empathy and reassurance while recognizing her evolving emotional landscape.

Teenagers are known to seek guidance not only from their parents but also from their peers. Watching my daughter’s social circle morph and observing the influence these interactions have on her choices and behaviors can be both exciting and concerning. Encouraging healthy social connections and fostering open conversations about positive peers has become crucial in shaping her journey on this new path.

It feels as though I’m entering the twilight zone, where I am navigating uncharted territory. The rules of engagement change, and a once straightforward approach to parenting no longer suffice. Patience, adaptability, and a willingness to learn alongside her has become paramount. Educating myself as a parent on the challenges faced by teenagers, from technology to mental health, will enable me to provide the support and guidance she needs during this time.

Watching my daughter evolve from a child to a teenager is a bittersweet journey that fills me with a whirlwind of emotions. Nostalgia, the dance of independence, emotional turbulence, and the influence of peers – all form parts of this transformative chapter. As a mother, I am determined to embrace the ever-changing dynamics and be a pillar of support, understanding, and love as my baby navigates the twists and turns of teenagehood. While the journey may be challenging at times, I am eager to witness her growth, resilience, and blossoming personality that I know she possesses.

Happy Birthday to the most beautiful, smart and creative 13 year old on this planet! I love you to the moon and back!

Surviving to Living

After a good meditation session early this morning I no longer have the desire to be “the strong one”. I have always been the strong person. I’ve always had to be the strong child, sibling, parent and friend. As of today I no longer desire to be that person because I realize that it is unhealthy.

At almost 40 years old, I’m now understanding that being “the strong one” is not a flex and it is tiring. I really think I’m truly tired now because I have realized that I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember. I continually operate in fight or flight mode. I have been living in survival mode.

Most people don’t understand that “the strong one” carries a lot on the daily. A tremendous deal of trauma. The strength that everyone thinks is a gift, is merely a shield that is used to block people and situations from hurting us. This is definitely not something to be proud of and again in no shape or form healthy.

It is better known as a defense mechanism. If you only knew how badly I would love to just relax in a space where I am comfortable, sit down with no time constraints, and allow someone genuine to come into this space and love me unconditionally. And I’m not referring to a romantic relationship but also friends and family that WANT to occupy space with me. I want to be able to truly trust others. I want to be able to be more feminine and less masculine. Hell, I want to be able to understand and trust myself enough to know that I am allowing the right people into my space. But it is hard. I have been repeatedly hurt, used, abused, and have experienced so much trauma for so long that I didn’t know where to start.

Well my starting point is my blog post, right now, today. As of this moment I can no longer be ‘that person’ for anyone because I need to be that person for myself. I am constantly drained because I am always pouring into someone else, supporting someone else, reaching out and being there for someone else. But I don’t have enough people pouring into me. And I realize that it may not be because they don’t want to, but because they feel as though I don’t need it since I have managed to still be able to smile and exist after many losses, tests and trials in this lifetime.

I encourage anyone reading this to make a conscious effort to check on their “strong” friends, siblings, children, parents and other loved ones that are hyper independent. Reach out to those that you don’t think need you, because they are probably feeling just like me too.

Always remember, every person that comes into your life is only there for a limited time, so show up and be present. Sometimes later never comes and tomorrow is too late.