Category: Just ‘Cause

Happy Mother’s Day

Candy dish on the counter, music playing and the house is sparkling clean. She’s dressed with nowhere to go. Every Mother’s Day my Mom would say she didn’t want anything and didn’t want to go anywhere. But all year she didn’t know that I kept a running tab of things she saw on TV, things she saw in a store or on a sales flyer in her mailbox that she claimed she wanted, had to have or couldn’t live without. So gift giving was super easy. She always wanted something but didn’t need anything. This is so familiar lol.

Every Mother’s Day was at home. Never in a restaurant. Never a big party. Just us at home with music, some food, a few gifts and quality time. The food caused us to nap so it was truly an entire day spent with her.

So relaxed and chilled, I wonder if my Mother ever questioned how good of a Mother she thought she was. I wonder if she measured how good of a Mother she was based on what we did for her or what we gifted her. There was never a year she didn’t get something. Even as a struggling young adult, if I couldn’t buy her something, I made her something. And I never left out my Brother. The gift was always from us if he didn’t personally get her anything.

This morning I watched the video of my last Mother’s Day with her. May 13, 2018 we were all with her at home. I said “all” as if our family is huge. My brother, his girlfriend (at the time), my kids and I filled the living room of my Mom’s apartment. She cooked that morning and put her food up. She knew I always came with food. But she always sent me and the kids home with food too so she would cook. Seafood was her favorite. So I always made sure to get it from one of her favorite restaurants hot and fresh. She would spend the day playing with the kids, talking to my brother and I about what was going on and drank her beer. She was the coolest Mother. Never asking for a lot of anything but some of your time. And I tried to give her all I had.

That’s what makes me most sad about Mothers Day. Not being able to spend that time with her all day to do absolutely nothing but just exist in the same space with her. To see her smile and laugh with the kids. They brought out the absolute best in her. And then to watch her nap peacefully knowing she was safe, well taken care of and loved.

Mothers carry the world on their shoulders, life in their womb and the weight of the world as it affects their family on their backs. One day is not nearly enough to celebrate and acknowledge all that Mothers do on a daily basis or in a lifetime. And when you lose your Mother this day gains a whole new meaning.

I hope outside of gifts, cookouts and gatherings that each Mother FEELS loved, appreciated and cared for today. And for those who don’t have the privilege of spending today with their Mothers, I hope you are surrounded by love and people who understand.

Me Volví A Enamorar en Cozumel

I fell in love again in Cozumel…

Never thought I’d enter the last year of my 30s on a cruise. I vividly remember saying I don’t want to go on a cruise and end up like the people who boarded the Titanic. I know ignorance is bliss…

As an ode to my Roaring 30s, I opted to cruise for the first time with the one I love. And not just a first time cruise but also a cruise to a destination that neither of us had visited. I say all the time, I wish I’d met him sooner so that I could love him longer because this is how I have always wanted to feel. Happy, safe, at peace and engulfed in love.

The cruise was nothing short of amazing once we were able to get into our stateroom, take showers and change to begin our epic baecation. The night before we were upgraded to an ocean view room and I’m so glad we were. The view was amazing and much appreciated whenever we retreated to the room for a people break or nap.

Refreshing…rejuvenating…renewing

This trip revealed a lot to me. And according to my 40 and older friends, this is the part of life that is truly enjoyable…if you allow it. It’s where we truly adopt the “idgaf” attitude about a lot in life. Color me crazy, but I think I’ve been preparing for my 40s all my life lol.

Unbothered by anything and everything…we gave that cruise all we had to offer. We relaxed. Moved at our own pace throughout the day. Appreciated room service and the 10 videos that played repeatedly on the music channel as we got dressed each day (all day). New Edition’s, “Still in Love” will never be heard the same by us lol.

From the moment we left the parking garage, tired from driving hours to the port, hot, sweaty and excited, I gave up all thoughts of having to be in control to react to any situation. I attempted to put my mind on DND for 5 days and I’m so glad I did. This wonderful man that was ever so gently placed in my life made sure that I was safe at all times.

But truly here I was on a boat with thousands of people…out in the middle of the ocean. Anyone who knows me knows this is out of my norm. Upon boarding even I began to question what the fuck I was actually doing and if I’d make it. I can laugh now but at that moment I consumed all the drugs I had on hand at once in hopes of crushing any and all anxiety that had begun to creep up inside me. I remember how my encounters with others usually go and was even more thankful we upgraded to the ocean view room for the moments when I’d need to reflect on yet another crazy decision I have haphazardly made.

Anytime we’re out and about it’s always a vibe. You have me who always attracts the strangest but nicest people. And then Baby Love who meets no stranger. So just imagine the people that we met…awesome couples/people, cute and respectful kids and heavy handed bartenders. We celebrated a young couples engagement, and shared advice for their many years of happiness together. We talked to an interracial couple about parenting today. Debates occurred often lol. There was one about the pool being empty or full. And also whether or not there were jumping fish in the ocean as we sat among the chill folks on the smoking deck lol. I was asked so many times how many drinks I had consumed but I was usually always not tripping and things were as they appeared lol. (Except for the 2 hours I kept saying the boat was moving and it wasn’t lmao)

Well I never made it to the front of the boat to reenact the scene from the Titanic when Kate was flying. (I warned you that I was weird and yes I linked the clip just in case you forgot the best scene from the entire movie). But the most epic part of our vacation was not even my actual birthday. The day before my birthday we docked in Cozumel. I tried to find the most unique excursion to do with my Baby Love. Mostly because it’s just my nature but also because from the time I realized I love this man, I wanted us to experience all the “firsts” imaginable together. Late starts don’t eliminate all firsts. And so that led us to walking on the bottom of the ocean floor!

If you’re ever in Cozumel, please visit Seatrek in Downtown Cozumel inside Jeanie’s Restaurant & Bar. The restaurant staff was amazing but the diving team at Seatrek were God’s gift to tourists. It’s an experience to remember and the best part is you don’t have to know how to swim. I’m telling you…go.live.your.best.life!

I’ve never doubted the love I have for him. But every time I caught a glimpse of him I got warm and fuzzy like a teenage girl. 3 years doesn’t seem like a long time at all but it feels like I’ve loved this man far beyond this lifetime.

Naked Truth

If I ever say there’s nothing on my mind, I’m lying. And those that really know me, know this. This general motor of mine is always running whether I want it to or not. I was just sitting here pondering everything and nothing all at once. Overwhelming myself for absolutely nothing. Pure stupidity.

I really dislike my mind lol. Thinking of all the unfinished projects I have lying around. The current state of the house and the plan needed to get it together. My daily routine that has disintegrated. The idea of my children growing up and thoughts of me growing old all flood my mind at once. And this is during times when I’m trying to have a conversation with others. It’s draining.

And then I have questions. When did I completely stop exercising? When did I become so comfortable with being alone? When did I become so emotional? Am I really going to be ok? When did I become so impatient? Ok I’ve always been impatient.

I need help. Now that’s something you don’t hear often from me. I’m currently so far inside my head and it’s maze of never ending stories, scenarios and thoughts that I can’t get out. Alice in Wonderland is the best way I can describe it. I’ve sat with myself in silence for so long that I’ve fallen so far in my mind that I don’t see a way out.

And let me tell you, I’m fighting to get the hell out because I need to grieve the losses I have yet to fully process and accept, and I need to parent my daughter through her teenage years because times are different, and I need to love on my son because young black men are dying at an alarming rate. And I need to let this wonderful man love me.

I’m so damaged that even what I know to be true, I still question. I love this man so much. And today I realized while sitting with my sea of thoughts that he does indeed love me more than I love him. Shit. He loves me more than I love me.

So no matter what it takes, I’m going to dig my way out of my mind because I’m not the luckiest person in the world…but somehow I managed to find my person. Someone who loves me when I’m nice and when I’m not. Someone who cares about what’s on my mind. Someone willing to do all the weird things and go to all the crazy places with me. Someone who protects me and makes me feel safe. Someone I’m willing to trust. He’s the man that I created in my mind. And I’m out here fucking up…I’m going to do better, promise.

Naked Truth: I’m an adult trying to unlearn toxic behaviors that I adapted as coping mechanisms

Mental Dump: Breakfast

Sleeplessly I woke before my alarm. I laid in the dark staring at the ceiling. My mental voice did its usual…stretched and took off. Everything that I didn’t do yesterday cluttered my mind, thoughts of me being a failure because why didn’t I make time for these items yesterday. Then it changed gears and there was a reminder to call and check on my Mom…a wave of sadness hits me and the cloud of thoughts dissipate. I am reminded by the memorial blanket on my resting chair that I cannot call to check on her. Attempting to shake off this never ending nightmare, I shimmy to the edge of the bed wiping away the tears that escaped my eyes so that I can see clear enough to stand.

I stretch. I think I should log into my yoga class but opted to skip. I reach my arms as high as I can above my head. Then I bend over stretching my fingertips to touch my toes…my stomach is in the way. We are here again, ugh. I walk into the bathroom closet to locate my “ghostbusters” workout suit. My mindset is start today or I won’t start at all. Looking in the closet I’m reminded that no matter how many times I clean this closet it returns to its natural state of messy and disorganization.

I get myself ready, get the kids up and make sure the little one is dressed properly. He’s getting better with picking out his clothes and getting dressed alone. I realize that I coddle my kids quite a bit because I feel like I missed so much of their younger years. I worked so much and was often times gone from home weeks at a time. I know they have to grow up and I will back up one day but today…nope. I hug, kiss and tickle them. A child shouldn’t start their day with their parents yelling, screaming and fussing. Home should be the safest place in the world and your parents should be your safe people. I’m parenting by trial and error here. I didn’t get the manual and I’m doing the best I can to avoid my children being the somewhat fucked up adult that I am.

I get breakfast ready for the little one and head to my fur son. It’s his birthday today! Party later but at the moment I have to get Mr. Man to school and then drop off Ms. Ma’am. As I drive off from the school I think about treating myself to breakfast. I’m dressed to workout but I’m going to eat…this is sad lol

It’s Wellness Wednesday so I’m going to treat myself to a “therapeutic breakfast”. 😁

The first place that cross my mind when it comes to breakfast is the coolest little Amish Kitchen in the country. So I drive 25 min to get the best breakfast that I’ve had outside of my Grandmother’s kitchen. Noticing the trees, leaves and crops on the way before my mind hits turbo. I don’t want to ruin my morning so I turn up the music and crack the windows to drown out my thoughts. It’s going to be a good day because I said so. Quieting the noise for a moment of peace seemed ok.

Heaven on a plate: Garden omelet with Dutch potatoes and French Toast with Butter syrup

SunDate: Kitty Hawk

Attempting to resume normal activities, I awoke early this morning with the idea to go on a SunDate. WheneverI have to travel, my first thought is Simba…how long will I be gone?…who can check on him?…should I take him? Can I take him?

The last question has always ended up as a “No”. Today I opted to bring him along. He was so excited yesterday when I told him he’d go on a road trip and then I left him…

I know…bad pet Mom…breaking promises…

Well yesterday I was close to the mountains so today I opted for the latter…and made my way to the beach…

Before making the decision to bring Simba, I was going to bring canvas and paint markers to finish a piece and start another…bringing him meant he’d need all my attention since this was his first car ride this long and to the beach.

Was I really going to do this? Sundays are for self care lol. Fuck it…come on S. Leon, let’s go.

He watched me pack up the car and lock up the house before hopping in the backseat and sitting quietly as if I’d forget his 88lb ass was sitting behind me lol

We started with a quick stop to get some treats and a small bag of dog food. Then gassed up, got some breakfast and got on the road.

An hour into the ride, I couldn’t breathe. Small disclaimer…somewhere along owning Simba, I developed an allergy of some sort. But I can’t bring myself to get rid of my him. I’ve rearranged where he sleeps and all just so I can keep him. It’s not official but he is definitely my emotional support pup. I’m ever so grateful he cannot talk…he knows all of my business…I tell him everything. Poor pup, he probably needs therapy.

Well we made our way to Kitty Hawk. I’d never been to the beach here and he’d never been to the beach period so I figured it would be special to share a first with him.

Traveling to the beach was easy, he put his head out the window and took a nap or five until we made it. Once he got out of the car he stretched, smiled and jumped on me for a hug then we were ready to get our feet in the sand. The beach wasn’t too populated today so finding a nice spot was effortless. I set up our area and he just took in the change in scenery for a while. Everything was going great until a group of people came and set up camp right next to us with a puppy.

Simba’s 1st Beach Trip

Simba is also quiet antisocial. He doesn’t really have dog friends other than Shortbread. He’s just like his Mom lol.

The puppy caused such chaos. I wanted to pack up and leave but I took the opportunity to show Simba he can coexist with other people and animals away from home. To get him to calm down, I had to pat his butt and repeat “sit” until he sat down, and then I had to rub his big body until he stopped shaking. This was going to be a long day…but we got this.

After about 3 more of those episodes where he almost took down our cabana, walked all over me and even once jumped in my lap, we were able to lay in the sun and just chill. The introduction to the ocean would come before we left.

Overall he did well on his first beach trip. Enjoying chicken meatballs and water, playing with his rope and putting sand all over me.

We managed to almost make it off the beach without being approached by any strangers!!! I was impressed. I began to think I need to bring Simba out more often, he’s my people shield lol.

He slept most of the way home before sticking his entire head out of the window to do real boy dog shit. We ended our adventurous day at Sonic Drive-Thru where we learned they to have pup cups!

This guy had the day of his life and it’s not even his birthday yet lol. I too enjoyed my crazy fur son and our QT. I can’t speak dog but I hope he knows I love and adore him and was glad to have him tag along on my SunDate.