#itsok – In My Unapologetic Life…

Mental Dump: Breakfast

Sleeplessly I woke before my alarm. I laid in the dark staring at the ceiling. My mental voice did its usual…stretched and took off. Everything that I didn’t do yesterday cluttered my mind, thoughts of me being a failure because why didn’t I make time for these items yesterday. Then it changed gears and there was a reminder to call and check on my Mom…a wave of sadness hits me and the cloud of thoughts dissipate. I am reminded by the memorial blanket on my resting chair that I cannot call to check on her. Attempting to shake off this never ending nightmare, I shimmy to the edge of the bed wiping away the tears that escaped my eyes so that I can see clear enough to stand.

I stretch. I think I should log into my yoga class but opted to skip. I reach my arms as high as I can above my head. Then I bend over stretching my fingertips to touch my toes…my stomach is in the way. We are here again, ugh. I walk into the bathroom closet to locate my “ghostbusters” workout suit. My mindset is start today or I won’t start at all. Looking in the closet I’m reminded that no matter how many times I clean this closet it returns to its natural state of messy and disorganization.

I get myself ready, get the kids up and make sure the little one is dressed properly. He’s getting better with picking out his clothes and getting dressed alone. I realize that I coddle my kids quite a bit because I feel like I missed so much of their younger years. I worked so much and was often times gone from home weeks at a time. I know they have to grow up and I will back up one day but today…nope. I hug, kiss and tickle them. A child shouldn’t start their day with their parents yelling, screaming and fussing. Home should be the safest place in the world and your parents should be your safe people. I’m parenting by trial and error here. I didn’t get the manual and I’m doing the best I can to avoid my children being the somewhat fucked up adult that I am.

I get breakfast ready for the little one and head to my fur son. It’s his birthday today! Party later but at the moment I have to get Mr. Man to school and then drop off Ms. Ma’am. As I drive off from the school I think about treating myself to breakfast. I’m dressed to workout but I’m going to eat…this is sad lol

It’s Wellness Wednesday so I’m going to treat myself to a “therapeutic breakfast”. 😁

The first place that cross my mind when it comes to breakfast is the coolest little Amish Kitchen in the country. So I drive 25 min to get the best breakfast that I’ve had outside of my Grandmother’s kitchen. Noticing the trees, leaves and crops on the way before my mind hits turbo. I don’t want to ruin my morning so I turn up the music and crack the windows to drown out my thoughts. It’s going to be a good day because I said so. Quieting the noise for a moment of peace seemed ok.

Heaven on a plate: Garden omelet with Dutch potatoes and French Toast with Butter syrup

Again

Today I’m doing something I never thought I’d have to do. And normally I’d let this go…I wouldn’t trip but it is affecting my tomorrow…and I had to sit and think about my next steps.

I’m an avid procrastinator and I put off what I can do right now to do later merely out of convenience or just refusal to complete the task.

Am I going to continue to let this affect my life negatively? What can I do to change the situation? What will bring me peace? I ask myself all these questions sitting in silence.

This entire situation is unreal. It sounds like a fucked up Lifetime movie up when it’s spoken aloud. But it is my life currently. And the saying is when you can’t control a situation, control your attitude towards it and/or how you respond to it.

Well friends, I’m tired. I know, I know. I say it a lot. But with this I think anyone who knows the situation can agree I’m tired. I’ve been through the most. I’ve dealt with the most. I’ve turned every cheek. I’ve tried to remain cordial and respectful and now that my patience has worn out and my peace has been disrupted, I have to do something different.

Even though I’ve been 100% transparent and honest, we approached the same impasse that we were at before over a year ago. Nothing has changed. Until this week. I changed…

Until I close this chapter, it’s impossible for me to start another no matter how much I think I can. Taking things to a legal level is not how I normally operate but drastic times calls for drastic measures. I don’t communicate threats because I know first hand how they can come back to bite you in your ass. But I’m just ready to start fresh somewhere else with the one I love.

Taking this route is my way of no longer “talking” about what I’m going to do or what I want to happen. Instead I have to take the necessary steps to get me where I want to be.

Breaking generational curses…I’m all for that. I don’t think I was placed here to be like follow anyone else. It’s time I move mountains to get to my peace…and hope that my peace is also moving mountains to meet me halfway.

Strutting in this courthouse sporting nothing but honesty, a little fatigue and a smile on my face. I can’t allow this situation to dull my sparkle or deter me from my dreams. We have a plan…and I’m down to stick to it…

For once I didn’t put off today what I could do tomorrow for one more person who doesn’t give a shit about me. I choose me today…I choose my happiness…I choose my peace…I choose healthy and loving parenting…I choose not being the norm…I choose my Baby Love…

Whatever it takes is my mindset now…I need my peace back…

Month Four

Here I am, 4 months after your transition…

Still not easier…in fact, it’s harder than last month.

I temporarily lost access to my best friend. The love of my life. The other half of my soul.

I reflect on how I wish you were able to meet him. He’s really a great guy. I can only imagine the conversations that you two would have had. Oh my goodness. You’d talk for hours. He’s the one that would have a beer with you. I even think, he would of been the one that could sweet talk you out of the house on a trip with us.

There is still so much I want to pick up the phone and talk to you about. My feelings, what’s going on, and get your advice, hear you sing or make a joke about anything and everything.

Your picture scrolled across my TV when it went to sleep yesterday. I looked at it and smiled. It was Brother’s going away party. You were standing next to him with his friends. I remember that day like it was yesterday. You were tired that day and you didn’t feel well but you made your way to his party. The party that I orchestrated. You were ready to go before it got dark so that you were at home. It was super hot outside and for a moment I had to make you come inside. You were sweating profusely and just didn’t want to be around “family”. Oh I understand now. Hell I don’t want to be around them now myself.

I sometimes find myself mad that I didn’t understand things that you told me growing up. And then I think maybe back then those weren’t things that I needed to understand. But now I have so many questions. I can hear you now. “Just shut up talking and listen! You ask so many damn questions. Inquisitive Ivy…” LOL. I loved it. You may have been one of few people who walked this earth who can make me hush.

There are days where I really forget that you are truly gone. And when I remember it hurts like it’s Day One all over again. I restart the stages of grief at least a few times a week. But it is ok. My new grief counselor says it’s normal. You never get over it. You learn to live with it…now that sounds better than time heals all wounds.