Product of Pain

“When there’s no more room in Hell…

…the dead will walk the Earth. “

I am the manifestation of two fucked up individuals. In turn, I am a fucked up woman. My fucked up Father is dead and my mother isn’t in the best of conditions right now. I am the product of their pain.

I’ve been living one disappointment after another all my life. I laugh to keep from crying. And I smile to hide the pain. I’m that person who has so much bullshit in everyday life that I try to be the sun in everyone else’s. I want no one to feel the emptiness and loneliness that I feel. But often times I’m shitted on. Subliminally I’m criticized and not just by my close friends but also my family. I don’t expect anyone to know how I feel because they never walked a mile in my shoes.

From the frequent inappropriate touching by my older cousin at the age of 7, to the abandonment and regret of having created me from my late Father, to the lack of emotional support from my Mother; to the gang rape in the Army, the threats to end my life if I told a soul, and the handful of meaningless relationships that resulted in heartbreak, distrust, regret and pain to include my 15 year marriage. I see how fucked up I am. I don’t possess the ability to be happy. I am the protype for unhappiness, pain and hurt. I always have stayed to myself without a lot of friends because people tend to use me for my heart. And then dispose of me when I’m no longer needed.

So when you’re living everyday as a human burden, which is better…To be alive hurting and adding to it daily or to die and not have to deal with it again? When you’re dead inside anyways why does it matter?

The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.

Mark Twain

Awakened

Actions speak louder than words

Just a while ago, persuasive words with no action would give her goosebumps, sweet nothings and unthoughtful gifts would satisfy her cravings,

the key to her heart was being held hostage by a thief.

But through a process of self-discovery she has grown to listen with her eyes not her ears, and to only trust actions and not words,

to observe behaviors and allow time to be the investigator to see what it will reveal.

~R. Denise

Feelings…

I think I will always feel second in everybody’s world,

I will always and forever be that lonely little girl.

Wanting love, attention and affection,

But constantly receiving and experiencing rejection.

Living a life full of upsets while dreaming big and feeling small,

Knowing good and damn well I won’t ever have it all.

Why dream when you can feel your destiny?

Being alone with your thoughts, wishes, and feeling empty.

-Unapologetically Broken

Please Don’t Pray For Me…

Well it’s been a while since I’ve clicked the icon of this app…put my feelings, thoughts and stressful days in black and white (sometimes color if I was feeling daring). So I’m picking back up because my therapist thinks if I write more, it will alieviate some stress. Let’s see where this goes this time.

So a lot has happened since last year. Some good and a lot pretty bad. However if you see me, you probably wouldn’t know. I don’t purposefully try to live a secret life, I really just do not like a lot of people in my space. Unlike my closets, I try to keep my space organized with people who genuinely care for me and I for them. I’m not really big on social media (hence my year long hiatus on my blog post) or airing out my dirty laundry to strangers but the wave of my blog is now going to shift.

This particular topic was discussed this morning with my cousin. We are each other’s pillars. When we are down we look to each other for uplifting words or something dumb to make us laugh. We weren’t dealt the best hand from the deck of life cards so we move a little different. Yes, I know no one is perfect and no one had a perfect life. But this isn’t about you.

Queue “Then Leave” by BeatKing…

…Here is where you can get in your feelings and quit reading or following. It won’t make a difference to me. Remember this is homework for therapy so I’m going to continue to make it do what it do…

For those of you who decided to read on thank you. I welcome you with open arms. I hope you have a wonderful day… 🤗

Now my wonderful aunt…whom I love and adore said something to me that made me clutch my imaginary pearls…she made a statement in regards to praying for me…

Let me fill you in first…it has been quite some time since I decided my 15 year marriage was not working for me, for us. It was lopsided, toxic and just not what I wanted anymore. I tried and I decided to move on. I deserved so much more. Initially I told no one. Dealt with it the way I wanted. Discussing little tidbits here and there with my therapist and more with my best friend. I asked the man I had been married to for a good portion of my life to exit our home. I could no longer cohabitate with him. It was sending me to a dark place on the daily and honestly I had a lot of life stressors but he was the biggest one. I was an adult about the situation. I knew he wasn’t the most matured individual at 37 years old but I hoped for our children sake that he would act the part. Nope this asshole did just what he knew to do. Be a complete and utter dumb ass 🙄. (Blog post for another day) Fast forward. I now occupy the home I happily purchased 3 years ago with my children. And although they drive me insane at times, I am at peace in my element. He still has not come to terms with the pending divorce, my new relationship and the fact that I don’t care what he does anymore.

Now back to my aunt’s prayer…

My family is pretty large but we’re all pretty close. Once I told one person in my family about my soon to be divorce, it spread like a wildfire. Let’s say my children’s father was accepted as part of my family which is normal. But when I decided to walk away, I knew there would be no siding…🤦🏾‍♀️ My aunt seems to think that for me, this is a phase and me reacting to the stressors in my life. No. This is a life altering decision I made to allow me to find happiness, be the best mother I can be to my children and find my peace again. This lady says she is praying that me and my children’s father get back together.

Wayment… don’t do that…

Somebody get this woman…don’t pray for something I don’t want. Have people ever expressed to you that they are praying for the opposite of what you’re praying for? How do you handle it? I’m praying God heals me so I don’t take this hurt and pain into any other relationship.

Stay tuned…

God sees our needs and knows what is best.

Flowers

I know I’ve been pretty nonexistent these last few months and there’s been so much going on that I couldn’t get my head into writing. I now realize how much of an outlet it is for me.

From losing my job, feeling completely out of control and uncertain about what’s next, to the job offers that are so bottom of the barrel that I’d be better off not working bc the salary doesn’t even cover childcare, to the legal bullshit I had to endure with my previous employer and now the life changing accident that shook me to my core and shed light in my dark corner.

I’ve never taken my parents for granted. I sadly watched my father slip away from me and there was no way I could even think of losing my mom. I spiraled completely out of control. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, all I could do was worry and cry. I have a crazy way of dealing with the thought of death. But I have always avoided any scenario about my mom. This woman has been through so much. She was my first best friend. She taught me everything I know.

Right now I’m just praying…praying that things change. Praying that July 23rd never happens again and that one day soon I get my mom back just the way she was. They say give your loved ones their flowers when they can smell them. In my heart I think I’ve done nothing short of that for my mom.

You’re Fired

The Moment I Had Been Waiting For…

This is the moment I had been waiting for since January 17, 2017. “We’ve decided to terminate your employment.”

Now some people would be devastated to be let go from their almost 6 year job. But not me. 🤷🏾‍♀️

From the time I returned from maternity leave, I was looking for other employment. I even obtained a part time job to have something else in my back pocket.

While I was out on maternity leave, I lost, hands down, the best employee I ever had. She was vigilant, self sufficient, and eager to learn all she could to improve herself in her career. She left because she was being bullied, disrespected and belittled. She called me and told me that she wasn’t going to make it until I returned and I understood. As a mom of now two, I declined the offer of spending my time away from work to interview candidates. I opted to wait and handle that task, if and when I returned. At this point I was still debating even going back.

My supervisor, who was responsible now for my entire department was feeling the heat and pressure and unable to perform in my absence and without the assistance of my employee since she had quit. She made the decision to go ahead and hire a staff member for me.

A little background info on me…

Now I am a former Army servicemember. I prefer organized chaos anyday over just complete unorganization. I am very head strong. I’m not easily persuaded and have no problem standing my ground and speaking my mind. It wasnt until I returned that I truly realized these people were looking for a “yes ma’am” or “ok boss” and that was not me…

I returned to a broken department, an asshole for an employee and a dick face for a supervisor. This termination was a blessing. I was over worked, undermined, under paid, disrespected, belittled, and insulted on many occasions. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders.

My new beginning awaits…

It’s Been A While

It’s been a while but I’m still here…

Over the past few weeks I’ve been hard body applying to jobs to get out of the disrespectful, racist box of a job. I’ve put a lot more time in my business with my best friend and finishing my certificate program.

Yep, I always have to have more than one thing going on at a time or I feel like I’m not accomplishing anything because I’m too idle. 🤷🏾‍♀️ Call me crazy.

Anyhow…the last few months have been quite crazy but over the next few days hopefully I can get back on my grind and get it all on screen.

I hope you all have a great week. My weekends are all I have to look forward to these days….