This morning the kids found Jaxon up in the tree hanging with my favorite ornament Who the Owl. I thought it would take the kids a while to find him because he sort of blended in with the ornaments. But my son found him first and had to scream to alert the entire house…
19 days until Christmas right? Whew…this is definitely a struggle year.
We are only 3 days into this elf business this year and it seems kind of hard to keep up with Jaxon…either I fall asleep before I remember to put him out or I wake up and forget to situate him before I get the kids up. Either way I have to do better ASAP.
Seems like both Jaxon and I are on some other shit this year…now I just have to remember to take my good Ghirardelli chocolate morsels out of the bathroom and put them back in the kitchen after the kids finish eating breakfast. 🤦🏾♀️
And would you know…now I have to use the bathroom…to the other end of the house I go so I don’t disturb the scene before the kids discover him. Who will find Jaxon first today? 🤔
I dog sat the cutest puppy aside from my very own yesterday. I think this slightly filled my void of wanting a baby and/or another dog 🤣
We have given her the nickname SB for short because my mouth just doesn’t work right all the time. She and my big 4 year old “baby” lab Simba have gotten along great. I think he’s just happy to have a canine companion. Getting another dog is now definitely on the list. The baby…let’s put a pin in that one. 😬
I forgot how often you’re up with puppies when they are this small. But being a chronic insomniac it didn’t really put a bend in my sleep or rest schedule at all. I did however fall asleep before putting out Jaxon for the kids…
I woke up scrambling trying to think of something to do. I couldn’t leave my room because the kids were up and they’d see me with him. Smh. This is why I have to stay on schedule in December.
I had to think fast so I grabbed one of the dry erase markers from the top of my closet. I picked up one of the kids pictures on the nightstand and I drew on their faces. They will be floored to see Jaxon has drawn mustaches, beards and elf hats on their picture. I sat him between the plant and picture frame with the marker.
Who will be the first to find him?
As I sit in IHOP on Christmas Day with my kids, after having to have a real life conversation with my daughter, I am reminded of my childhood which I seriously hate.
As a child, I didn’t lack anything. My Father was quite absent although we lived in the same town. I was the illegitimate child who had to watch my Father be an active part of the kids he wanted life and not my own. It created this void that even now I can’t fill. My mom worked to make sure I had the best. I wore the name brand clothes and shoes and I had the picture perfect room. From the outside looking in, although I appeared to have it all, I lacked the one thing any child yearns for… Love.
Fast forward 11 years and my mom gives birth to my brother. At first, I was upset because I felt as though, the love that I already wasn’t receiving from either of my parents would be given to this “new” child. I often wondered what did I have to do to make them love me? I got good grades in school, I didn’t get into trouble, hell I rarely talked. I was always afraid of doing or saying the wrong things to make my mom upset. During all this time, I didn’t realize that she suffered from a mental illness but all I did know is that she was hurting deep inside, she never showed me any type of love or affection and I wholeheartedly did not feel as though she truly wanted me. But failure was not an option for her so she HAD to raise me and she HAD to do a good job because everyone was expecting her to fail.
When she had my brother, everyone in town thought that I was so promiscuous and I had, had a baby and my mother was telling everyone it was her baby to protect me and my reputation. This is how much people didn’t see me. Or paid attention to me smh. In hindsight, I’ve always been just a girl in the shadows. After I got over the initial shock and upsets of my mom having another baby, I thought maybe this was my chance to give him all the love I never encountered. Rightfully so, I didn’t want him to experience the 11 years of life as I had, feeling like a burden. What child asks to be born and be unloved or unwanted?
Needless to say, I basically raised him. From the time I was 11 up until my Senior year of high school, he was mostly my responsibility. In middle school, I’d go to school, come home to babysit him while my mom worked overnight. On the weekends, she started a side business which would require her to leave early in the morning and return once she was done working. Sometimes it would be around Noon, sometimes the evening. She’d unwind with her friends who were mostly men and I’d retreat to my corner to sit and play her CDs and sing to try and ease my mind. I didn’t get to really be a child. I was forced to grow up early to care for my brother who would down the line turn into my starter child.
The rest of that story of my poor ass life is for another day when I’m not freezing cold but as for now, I was reminded of the lack of love I received when I had to have a very uncomfortable conversation with my own daughter today. I didn’t think divorce would be something my children, let alone myself would have to endure but here we are in the home stretch of separation, petition ready to be served in a week and hopefully soon all of this will be behind me.
I married this man, looking for a love I didn’t have. Trying to fill a void and it failed. And as bad as I tried to make it work because I too dislike failure, it didn’t and I had already lost so much of myself that I wasn’t willing to go through another patch with him just to keep my “family” together. It was very evident that my “family” consisted of me and my kids only.
But now I’m the bad parent in my daughter’s eyes because she blames me for her Father not being around. We aren’t together but he is able to see them whenever he desires. But he chooses not to. She expressed her anger with me through yelling and crying. Saying I made him leave the house and it’s all my fault. Even though I made this decision for not just me but also for them, she doesn’t understand. I do all I can to make this a smooth transition. And it seems as though there truly is nothing I can do.
This hurts. And people say she’s a child and doesn’t understand. Nobody truly understand. I am her…the hurting little girl who just wants that love…😔 I don’t want her to grow up and be me. Where I am right now in life. Lonely and heartbroken…
In My Unapologetic Life... 