There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I’m not really sure why I am subjecting myself to such pain today…
I woke around 4am this morning. I laid in bed staring at the ceiling. My mind had turned on way before I opened my eyes. There were a million things running through my head…I need to do some laundry, look for a new washer and dryer, look for a new fridge, figure out what I wanted to put on the wall in the hallway. I have about 12 craft projects laying in the corners of my living room, bedroom and office. I need to finish them. I need some organization. And then boom…my Mom was the most organized person I know. I hear her in my ear, “plan for what you want, not what you think is going to occur.” She was a wise silly woman. But when she spoke even if I didn’t understand, I listened. I was always sure I’d need the advice one day.
When I’m super anxious, I get in cleaning mode. This is the time that I can throw away almost anything with no remorse. The goal is to make things tidy. Tidy equates to calm in my world. Everything has a place. Or in my mind it does.
I got out of bed, went in the bathroom and just sat. It’s dark all through my house. The kids are still asleep, as well as the dog. I’m the only thing moving besides the flame of the candle that’s been burning for at least 2 days now on my dresser.
I look out of the bathroom into my bedroom and I see the box on the floor beside my resting chair. It holds pictures that I got from my Mom’s place. The last time I opened the box, my brother struggled to get me to my bed. I was crying uncontrollably and just an all out mess. I miss her, I don’t know how to cope and all I do is cry. I don’t know how to heal this pain. Losing someone so close, someone they I’ve known all my life hurts like no other pain I’ve ever experienced. And I thought before this that I generally dealt with pain in a positive way.
Still staring at the box, I walk into my room with only the bathroom light illuminating a small portion of my bedroom. I sit on the floor and slide the box in front of me. I hear a voice in my head saying, “you can do this”…but the shaking of my hands and the tears already streaming down my face silently implies, “girl, no the fuck you cannot!” Against my better judgement. I open the box. To my surprise it didn’t start out bad. Probably because I hadn’t come across a picture of her yet. I smile and reminisce on times where I think I may have been happy. And I was probably only partially happy because I was a child.
This shit sucks. I pick up a picture from my 5th birthday. My Mom threw me the biggest backyard party. Invited the whole town I’m sure. Birthdays were her thing. Celebrate life was her motto. Love for today because ain’t shit promised tomorrow was her daily mantra. Optimism…I got that from her. No matter how shitty her life was, no matter how much she cried she was always certain that tomorrow would be better.
I go through all the pictures and decide maybe it is time I go through her things as I prepare to relocate. The plan is to Airbnb or rent out my house while I find a permanent residence for my family. I need some storage space for personal things so I don’t know why the fuck I decided now or today was the perfect day to do this. I’m on vacation until November 1st. I could have picked any other day. But once I start, I can’t stop.
I make a cup of coffee because I get the feeling, it’s going to be a long day. I make my bed, put on a load of laundry and get ready for yoga class. After yoga, I have a guided meditation class and then I will get back to whatever the fuck I think I need to do. As I walk up the stairs, I think to myself this is dumb. My phone rings, so I go back downstairs to see who’s calling. I don’t think I’ll be in the mood to talk much today. I take the call from my bank…if it’s not one thing it’s another but this was not a bad call. I hung up feeling a tad bit successful.
I’m pouring all my money into getting out of this marriage so that I can move on with my life. Everything I want to do is literally on hold at this moment. I’ve lost a job, I can’t buy another home, I can’t sell this one, I can’t start my business, I can’t buy another car, I can’t open any new lines of credit. I am a sitting duck. On top of paying my lawyer, I’m now paying a PI to locate this sick son of a bitch just so that he can be served. I went from almost having my divorce finalized to starting the fuck all back over. I’ve never been more ready to put this man on a t-shirt…
I once again head back upstairs now that I’ve missed yoga, to see if I can catch morning meditation. I open the blinds, I light my candle and I pull out my floor pillow. I don’t want to do this. I sit in the floor and I cry. Why? Because I am emotionally, physically and mentally tired. I need a break, before I break.
I look at the closet and I get up. Inside this closet there is a huge box of my Mom’s things. I get the idea to go through it. To purge and donate. I feel a ball forming in the pit of my stomach. My throat swells as if I swallowed a rock and I open the closet door. The first thing I see is my Mom’s Bible. She was no devout Christian but she too was just spiritual. Believing that churches were businesses and God existed everywhere. She questioned a lot of what was in the Bible as she was just as curious as I am and often times had nothing to do but read. I remember her telling me she had read the Bible 3 times…forward and backward. And each time the book made less and less sense to her.
I think, what if the roles were reversed? What would my Mom do if I was the one who transitioned from this Earthly realm and she was left here to carry on about life. Would she be me? Would she sit crying for hours until her face and eyes were sore? Would she avoid at all cost the people and things they reminded her of me? How the fuck would she handle this. And all I hear is life goes on baby girl. She was the strongest woman I have ever known. She wasn’t perfect but we were placed together here for a reason. We formed a bond unlike any other Mother and Daughter I know. We went about life as if we were the one ones in it. Meaning we could not careless about what people thought of us or what they said. Nothing but wonderful memories flood my mind and I cry even more.
Do you know what I’d give just to hear my Mom’s voice? Hold her hand? See her face in person? Do you know how empty and alone I feel even when I’m surrounded by a ton of people? Do you know how small I feel in this big wide world?
This life…it’s very confusing. I don’t regret any experience I’ve been through as it has shaped and molded me into the person I am today. And no matter how much negative shit comes my way, I still try to find the positive in it. But this one I can’t let loose. I can’t shake it. And it hits me. I will never know what happened to my Mom. It’s not just the fact that she’s gone but it’s more that I feel bad for not being there. I always felt like I was her super hero child. I was always there to save the day. To wipe her tears, to cry with her, to hold her and tell her everything would be ok. And once we were able to laugh, she’d tell me that I think I’m the Mom and she’s the child. And I’d reply telling her that wasn’t true. But that she did her best raising me and the only thing I have left to do is to care for her to show my appreciation. Ending my speech with I only have one Mother and I want to make sure she’s well taken care of, protected and loved until I can no more. She said I was a walking Hallmark Card.
Bits and pieces of that “girl” are gone. They left when I buried part of my heart. I’m thankful she’s no longer in pain and suffering at the hands of shitty ass healthcare workers who want nothing more than a check and to sit on their lazy asses. She doesn’t have the chaos of this world to deal with anymore. She’s at perfect peace. Probably somewhere trying to tell some other soul how to be a proper soul. Lol.
Today I miss her because I’m really letting pieces of her go. Tuesday will be 7 months…usually a day or so before I get in this place. This month it’s much earlier. This month it’s a little harder. My son turns 5 on Monday. My paternal grandfather passed away unexpectedly on October 26th, 4 years ago…it’s just a lot going on this week and emotionally I don’t know that I can handle it.
I struggled to type this. But it was something I felt I needed to do to release these emotions. Im reminded that I put my app creation on pause when I really need to get it finished. I have no motivation and I feel stuck. What would she do? If I was to talk to her what would she say? I had to stop going through her things to just sit and think.
I’m so tired of this life…this pain…this torture. I need a ray of sunlight to bring me some happiness and peace. I’m not looking for a lot…I’m not even looking for more money. I just want to smile and genuinely be happy again. I’m not happy here no matter what I do. I opt to not go through the box today. It’s not time. And mentally I can’t handle it. The little boy keeps running to sit with me while I cry so I have to do something else.
I guess I will find somewhere else to cry. I’ve worn out crying in front of the closet holding her Bible…
I miss you today more than ever. I want nothing more than to talk about your only grandson’s upcoming birthday. I want to tell you not to buy him a bunch of stuff that he will tear up. I want to hear you laugh and make jokes. I want to hear what you’re cooking and bets on whose will be better. I want to tell you what has me afraid right now. I want to tell you all the business ideas I have. I want you to spend the night with me to make me watch scary movies with you. I want to just sit outside with you and listen to nature. I want to walk with you. I want to hug you. I want to tell you I love you one more time and kiss your forehead. This isn’t the life I imagined, but the one I’m given. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know how to find my motivation or my way. I want to send these children to you because they are driving me insane. I have no support. You were it. I feel like I have absolutely nothing to get up and look forward to most days. And I know this is when you’d be ready to slap me. But even now, I’d welcome that. I’m going to get it together. I don’t know when or how but I know you won’t let me stay in this place, isolated from the outside world and everything. But right now I miss you and I don’t know how to do anything else. I won’t say Rest In Peace or anything like that but enjoy the afterlife and all it has to offer because you suffered here far too long. I’m going to get it together, I promise.
Always Your Daughter,
Yep, it’s that time again…New Moon Shit is upon us. Happy New Moon in Libra!!!
It’s time for a fall reset if you’re up for it. So be open to the wonderful world of possibilities. Now is the time to make plans for your future and focus on healthy communication with others.
October is a pretty busy month and this New Moon is a definite reflection of such. There are many positive energies to work with and enjoy during this time. Try to use this New Moon energy to maintain harmony. Direct your energy into things that are positive, constructive and productive. Let’s not manifest negativity. There’s definitely enough of that in the world today!
Take some time to yourself to just reflect, practice gratitude and look back over the time period between October 2020 and April 2021. What has been removed and what have you have rebirth since this period of time? How have you transformed?
Spread peace, love and harmony…
Moon Shit fresh off the press as we enter the Full Moon in Pisces today! Be prepared to be in your feelings during this full moon cycle. After all it is your emotions that’s creating your reality. Observe your feelings but don’t let them overtake you. Use your observations to choose what stays and what needs to go in order to embody the most authentic version of yourself.
Full Moons are a good time to put an end to unhealthy habits or lifestyle choices. Use this energy to your advantage by trusting your intuition because it will never steer you wrong. Use it to navigate through any challenging obstacles that present itself.
Think back to the New Moon in Pisces from March…today’s Full Moon in Pisces is closely related to that New Moon. You could say that the Pisces New Moon back in March was the beginning of the story that has now reached its peak.
Are you able to create any links between what was unfolding in your life during March and now?
Overall just remember to give yourself some grace —you are closer than you think to achieving whatever it is that you so desire. Tap into your emotional side and be present!
After my session with my therapist on yesterday, we agreed that I needed to work on healing my inner child. You see I didn’t really have a true childhood. Every since I can remember, my Mom was teaching me about life and the bullshit it brings. She taught me the people to stay away from. She taught me to “listen to the tiny voice in my head” or the distinct feelings that I get when I’m about to do something or around someone. Then I moved into the role of caregiver. I helped take care of my younger Brother. I helped my Great Grandparents after school. I may have been able to play outside but my mind was never really that of a child. I feel like Michael Jackson without the riches.
Michael Jackson: a child who didn’t get to truly experience childhood and as an adult with the means to do so, took on a child-like imaginative life in attempts to make up for missing said childhood
Now I don’t have a Neverland…and I don’t invite over other people children to “play” with them. That’s weird. But I do often times buy my kids things that I wish I had growing up so that I can play with them. Rarely are they actual toys. I mean things like our trampoline, electric scooter, video games, board games, etc. And it’s generally short lived. Well…I do tend to jump on the trampoline quite regularly. My kids however rarely go outside so it’s cool to say the trampoline is really mine…
I was told by someone that I love dearly that I have this emotional wall up and I don’t let them in. One thing about me is I encourage people to talk to me…but me completely opening up is like a snail crossing the street. It takes me time…and a lot of it…
I sat with this comment and I thought about it long and hard. He’s right. I am cautious of everyone and everything. I think A LOT. I do not trust easily and I stay guarded. All of these things are to protect me and my feelings. It would take me a lifetime to tell you all the things I’ve been through to explain why I am the way I am. But I shut down easily. I don’t chase people. I don’t beg anyone for anything not even attention. Naturally I like to be alone. And after sitting for a while I realize that I sat in a mute relationship for so long that my communication skills now suck.
I can own that and I need to work on me…I need to completely heal from all the bullshit in my past. I’ve been good about burying it and pretending none of it happened but shit has a way of haunting you…aka triggering
So I discussed this with my therapist and we (my therapist) thought completing the Recovery of the Inner Child workbook would help. I only got about 8 pages in last night and went to sleep. Let me tell you I had the worse nightmare…
In this nightmare, I was myself as a child rocking ponytails with hair bows, a jean jumpsuit, T-shirt that said “Awesome Kid” and some white Tommy Hilfiger canvas shoes. The entire interaction in the dream was so vivid and real. I couldn’t hear anything in the dream as if someone had hit the mute button on the audio in my dream. But all I kept hearing was a voice softly saying “I will never hurt you.” But what I was seeing and feeling was just that, “hurt and pain”. As I emerged from the corner of the room in my dream, the sound started to come back. I was crying and yelling “you lied to me”. I woke up drenched in sweat. And I was crying. I got up from bed to get myself together bc it was 3am and I needed to go back to sleep. It’s just a dream. Or was it? The soft voice was me speaking to the child (me). This shit is too deep…
I won’t go into detail about the dream but in 8 pages of a book and a dream that seems quite relative to its exercise. Living rent free in my mind is the thought that at some point in my life the people who claim to love me will hurt me. And the thought lingers because time and time again it has happened.
When I feel as though I am being “hurt” by someone who said they love me, I as a child would run. That’s why I ran away as a child. The thought was that I could run away from the hurt and not have to experience it. That’s why I completely remove myself from situations as an adult. I don’t act erratic and dramatic…I just quietly disappear. It’s how I feel like I can protect myself. It’s exactly what I did in my dream. And there was no communication outside of me as a child yelling. The other people in the dream were silent.
I know I don’t communicate my feelings but this is out of fear. They’ve been dismissed and used against me so much that I’m just conditioned to bottling things inside. I can’t change in a day, this has been my life for 30+ years. It’s going to take a lot of work.
Although I already want to give up on this inner child healing, I’m going to keep trying. I see now that it is going to be painful af but if I don’t do it now then when will I? I literally put off anything and everything in life that may seemingly bring me pain.
So hang tight! Some days I may not have the energy to blog. But I and def going to try and I will continue with my Daily Positive because that does help me and some of my followers everyday. But I do want to document my experience as it may help someone else.
Life project #3,786…