Tag: #living

Well it’s been a while since I’ve clicked the icon of this app…put my feelings, thoughts and stressful days in black and white (sometimes color if I was feeling daring). So I’m picking back up because my therapist thinks if I write more, it will alieviate some stress. Let’s see where this goes this time.

So a lot has happened since last year. Some good and a lot pretty bad. However if you see me, you probably wouldn’t know. I don’t purposefully try to live a secret life, I really just do not like a lot of people in my space. Unlike my closets, I try to keep my space organized with people who genuinely care for me and I for them. I’m not really big on social media (hence my year long hiatus on my blog post) or airing out my dirty laundry to strangers but the wave of my blog is now going to shift.

This particular topic was discussed this morning with my cousin. We are each other’s pillars. When we are down we look to each other for uplifting words or something dumb to make us laugh. We weren’t dealt the best hand from the deck of life cards so we move a little different. Yes, I know no one is perfect and no one had a perfect life. But this isn’t about you.

…Here is where you can get in your feelings and quit reading or following. It won’t make a difference to me. Remember this is homework for therapy so I’m going to continue to make it do what it do…

For those of you who decided to read on thank you. I welcome you with open arms. I hope you have a wonderful day… 🤗

Now my wonderful aunt…whom I love and adore said something to me that made me clutch my imaginary pearls…she made a statement in regards to praying for me…

Let me fill you in first…it has been quite some time since I decided my 15 year marriage was not working for me, for us. It was lopsided, toxic and just not what I wanted anymore. I tried and I decided to move on. I deserved so much more. Initially I told no one. Dealt with it the way I wanted. Discussing little tidbits here and there with my therapist and more with my best friend. I asked the man I had been married to for a good portion of my life to exit our home. I could no longer cohabitate with him. It was sending me to a dark place on the daily and honestly I had a lot of life stressors but he was the biggest one. I was an adult about the situation. I knew he wasn’t the most matured individual at 37 years old but I hoped for our children sake that he would act the part. Nope this asshole did just what he knew to do. Be a complete and utter dumb ass 🙄. (Blog post for another day) Fast forward. I now occupy the home I happily purchased 3 years ago with my children. And although they drive me insane at times, I am at peace in my element. He still has not come to terms with the pending divorce, my new relationship and the fact that I don’t care what he does anymore.

Now back to my aunt’s prayer…

My family is pretty large but we’re all pretty close. Once I told one person in my family about my soon to be divorce, it spread like a wildfire. Let’s say my children’s father was accepted as part of my family which is normal. But when I decided to walk away, I knew there would be no siding…🤦🏾‍♀️ My aunt seems to think that for me, this is a phase and me reacting to the stressors in my life. No. This is a life altering decision I made to allow me to find happiness, be the best mother I can be to my children and find my peace again. This lady says she is praying that me and my children’s father get back together.

Somebody get this woman…don’t pray for something I don’t want. Have people ever expressed to you that they are praying for the opposite of what you’re praying for? How do you handle it? I’m praying God heals me so I don’t take this hurt and pain into any other relationship.

Stay tuned…

God sees our needs and knows what is best.

I know I’ve been pretty nonexistent these last few months and there’s been so much going on that I couldn’t get my head into writing. I now realize how much of an outlet it is for me.

From losing my job, feeling completely out of control and uncertain about what’s next, to the job offers that are so bottom of the barrel that I’d be better off not working bc the salary doesn’t even cover childcare, to the legal bullshit I had to endure with my previous employer and now the life changing accident that shook me to my core and shed light in my dark corner.

I’ve never taken my parents for granted. I sadly watched my father slip away from me and there was no way I could even think of losing my mom. I spiraled completely out of control. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, all I could do was worry and cry. I have a crazy way of dealing with the thought of death. But I have always avoided any scenario about my mom. This woman has been through so much. She was my first best friend. She taught me everything I know.

Right now I’m just praying…praying that things change. Praying that July 23rd never happens again and that one day soon I get my mom back just the way she was. They say give your loved ones their flowers when they can smell them. In my heart I think I’ve done nothing short of that for my mom.

The Moment I Had Been Waiting For…

This is the moment I had been waiting for since January 17, 2017. “We’ve decided to terminate your employment.”

Now some people would be devastated to be let go from their almost 6 year job. But not me. 🤷🏾‍♀️

From the time I returned from maternity leave, I was looking for other employment. I even obtained a part time job to have something else in my back pocket.

While I was out on maternity leave, I lost, hands down, the best employee I ever had. She was vigilant, self sufficient, and eager to learn all she could to improve herself in her career. She left because she was being bullied, disrespected and belittled. She called me and told me that she wasn’t going to make it until I returned and I understood. As a mom of now two, I declined the offer of spending my time away from work to interview candidates. I opted to wait and handle that task, if and when I returned. At this point I was still debating even going back.

My supervisor, who was responsible now for my entire department was feeling the heat and pressure and unable to perform in my absence and without the assistance of my employee since she had quit. She made the decision to go ahead and hire a staff member for me.

A little background info on me…

Now I am a former Army servicemember. I prefer organized chaos anyday over just complete unorganization. I am very head strong. I’m not easily persuaded and have no problem standing my ground and speaking my mind. It wasnt until I returned that I truly realized these people were looking for a “yes ma’am” or “ok boss” and that was not me…

I returned to a broken department, an asshole for an employee and a dick face for a supervisor. This termination was a blessing. I was over worked, undermined, under paid, disrespected, belittled, and insulted on many occasions. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders.

My new beginning awaits…

It’s been a while but I’m still here…

Over the past few weeks I’ve been hard body applying to jobs to get out of the disrespectful, racist box of a job. I’ve put a lot more time in my business with my best friend and finishing my certificate program.

Yep, I always have to have more than one thing going on at a time or I feel like I’m not accomplishing anything because I’m too idle. 🤷🏾‍♀️ Call me crazy.

Anyhow…the last few months have been quite crazy but over the next few days hopefully I can get back on my grind and get it all on screen.

I hope you all have a great week. My weekends are all I have to look forward to these days….

If this is how a proud parent feels, I don’t know how I’m going to act when my little ones get to the age of my baby brother.

We undoubtedly had a rocky childhood. A mother struggling with mental illness…an on again, off again drug addict father. At the tender young age of 11, I had to grow up and help my mom raise and take care of my brother. How can I raise a child at 11 you ask? Although I may not of had a lot to teach him, he was reminded and taught good manners. Saying ‘thank you’, ‘yes ma’am’ and ‘yes sir’. Reading to him to educate him early on, loving him because I wanted him to have everything emotionally that I didn’t have. At the age of 11, I learned and was taught how to take care of him so that my mother could continue work two jobs to take care of us until she couldn’anymore.

No, I didnt do it on my own. I have always had full support of my maternal family. I could not imagine God blessing me with a better group of individuals to raise and help mold me into the woman I am today.

Needless to say, when my brother turned 11 due to unforeseen circumstances I had to assume legal custody of my baby brother. I had to uproot him from the small town that he had lived in since birth and relocate him with me to what seemed like a giant city.

Now mind you, at this time I’ve been married maybe a year or less. I had moved from my 1 bedroom semi college type apartment complex to 2 bedroom mature adult apartment complex. Unbenounced to me, I was making room for my little brother.

Fast forward….he stayed with me through elementary and middle school. Once he reached high school he made the decision to move in with my uncle to be closer to my cousin. They were the same age, would be at the same school and I think it was good for him. Besides I was moving to Atlanta and wanted to allow him to make the decision on whether to move with me or stay. I think it was the best decision. I missed him like crazy but we talked everyday.

Growing up was rough for him. We babied him no doubt because of the situation. We gave him a lot to the point of spoiling him…so it took a while for him to become a responsible young man.

Today he gets keys to his first apartment. An apartment that he found on his own, saved money to apply and get on his own. Started his own electricity. I am elated. I’m so proud of how he is growing up. At 23 he works, he drives, he doesn’t have any kids. I mean I feel like an accomplished parent right now. He may not have gone to college (he tried) and gotten a degree. But he’s doing something and he’s not in the streets. He doesn’t have to worry about furniture because his big sister has him covered!!!

Here I go spoiling him again….🙄

Today was quite blah…

A stupid and long pointless meeting at the beginning of the day really ruins your whole day. It was as if one particular person wanted to hear themselves talk and wanted to make all the decisions, with a little ‘amen imp’ in the corner. Tell me again why do you need a committee aaaannnd a meeting? 🧐 Definitely not how I wanted my “Thursday” to begin…

These two vacation days are so close, I can feel them. 😌

I attempted to recover my day by closing my door, taking a moment to look up my positive affirmation for the day….

“I am deserving of respect- I practice kindness, I cultivate love towards others and I have a right to expect that same energy to be emitted back to me. Being treated like a human is not too much to ask for- therefore, I will make my petition known unapologetically.“

Head held high I opened my door and restarted my day. I cannot allow the ill effects and ignorance of some people to allow me to second guess how AWESOME I am. Let’s start by making a bowl of grits because I’m hangry as fuck.

The day goes on, I stay unbothered by the bullshit but I continue to be reminded I need to make a career change. As a young, educated, beautiful black woman I’m challenged on a daily basis. I know this will occur no matter where I’m employed but this is by far the worse I’ve encountered.

In my position of upper level management, I’m micro managed. I am in charge of a department that I cannot effectively lead on my own. Not because I can’t, but because I’m not allowed to. I’ve gained the respect of my colleagues within and outside my organization. I surpassed my personal 5 year goals in a mere 2 years but professionally. I’m unhappy.

Truthfully, I find more happiness in my side hobby turned business with one of my best friends. Hosting sip and paint parties has been rewarding and fun. More than what I imagined and there is so much more for us to do. It wasn’t until we started this that I was reminded of my self worth. I never feel like it’s work when I’m working for me…

My next goal should include me being my own boss…so I’m not having days like today when I should be excited about vacationing with my minions.