~California Dreamer~

Happy on Purpose ~ You can decide what kind of day you’ll have. Start with being happy!

Month 5

It’s 5pm. And I’m excited. I’m not sure why, this guy never does what he says he is going to do. But I want nothing more than to be around him. This guy is my Father. I’m 9 years old. I’ve testified in court and now my Mom is sitting across from me crying because I am being made by a court order, to go stay with my Father, his wife and children. In our house, it’s just me and my Mother. She feels like her everything is being taken away from her. She silently sobs and picks at her jeans.

I stare out the front door of our house watching the tree limbs sway back and forth when the wind blows. I begin to wonder why is my Mother so sad? Why is she crying? He is my Father. I have no idea what my Mother goes through behind closed doors. I’m just a kid. And I just want my Father…I want him to want me.

I move from the chair to the floor in front of the stereo. The sun is going down and I ask my Mom if I can play some music while I wait. She motions for me to go ahead. I’m playing music for her, not for me. I can physically feel how sad she is. My chest feels heavy and I want to cry every time I look at her. She is so sad. As bad as I want to go with my Father, I do not want to leave my Mother like this.

I find Kenny G’s Breathless cd in the organized shelf of cd’s. I pop it in and I forward to track 9, “Even If My Heart Would Break”. She and I have listened to this song on her good days. She would grab my hand and dance with me around the living room. After it starts to play, I walk to her and I extend my hand. I begin to sing terribly “I’ve been around this world, I’ve been a lot of places…” At this point, I’ve forgotten about my Father. I’m more worried about my Mother and right now I want nothing more than for her to smile. Just so she can have a moment where she isn’t crying. If she feels how I am feeling, then I know she is truly hurting even if I don’t understand why.

She looks up at me and place her arms on the arms of the chair. With her head tilted slightly she asks, “child where have you been? Talking about you been around the world“…she chuckles, grabs my hand and rises from the chair to dance with me. We sing and we dance and we fall in the floor. After our dance, we cook and I fell asleep on her bed looking at clothes in her Spiegel catalog. We were ordering clothes to take pictures for Labor Day. She would pick my outfit and I’d pick hers. (Real Best Friend Shit)

My Father never came. This was nothing new. He always sold me the most elaborate dreams to never cash in on them. And when he saw me, I’d get the brush off and he’d tell me another lie or make another empty promise.

It’s been 5 months and this morning, I dreamt that exact day all over again. And I’m not really sure why. What I do know is that I held my Mother a little longer and I danced with her like I’d never dance with her again, because it felt so real.

I don’t share a lot about me or my childhood with anyone. And there is so much that I have buried. In therapy yesterday I was told that in order to heal and move to a more positive place in life, I have to address these things. They happened. I can’t change it but I can’t heal myself holding on to anger, regret, and resentment. So today, I accept the fact that this healing is one that will never end. The pain won’t ever go away and time won’t heal anything. I will always cry. The 26th will always be a sad day. My birthday will never be the same. A lot changed. And I have to change too…

Today I’m accepting that I have to let things from my past go, really make peace with them and release it. I accept that I have to let someone in or I’m going to drown myself in regret and sadness.

“Be YOU. And be good at it. Because there is not another YOU in this world.”
— Award Winning Mother of a Lifetime

Shine Bright!

National Dog Day. Promoting dog ownership of all breeds, pure and mix. Embrace the day as an opportunity for all dogs to live a safe, happy and abuse-free life.

Positive Thinking

Happy National Men’s Grooming Day! Because let’s admit it Ladies…most Men get the business after a fresh cut. Treat yourself and enjoy the day Gentlemen!

Productivity

Working from home was not something that I wanted to do in the past. As a salaried employee, you know we generally put in more than 40 hours a week and there were a lot of times, I stayed late in the office to finish a report, presentation or audit. Work wasn’t pleasant… I wanted to keep home and work separate. No working in my “place of peace”. When I’m bored or want to avoid a situation, I will throw myself completely into work. It just gives me somewhere else to put my thoughts momentarily. I didn’t want to turn into a work hobbit at home.

So…I’ve been in my current position for…2 years. Not long at all. I’ve been remote for the biggest of my time that I’ve been employed. At first I was all about it with the scare of the pandemic, my kid having to go to school virtually, daycare closed…it was a mess.

My hobby room now turned into an office/hobby room. I make my own schedule, I’m not micro-managed, I don’t have to wear clothes and sometimes I don’t have to leave the bed. I can build naps into my day, run errands, take care of household chores, make appointments and work from anywhere in the world as long as I have internet. The biggest positive for me was the time that I was able to spend with my children. I had spent the last 6 years traveling for work and putting in long hours. I planned to make the best of it. I always say, everything happens for a reason.

Before the new variants came on the scene, our CEO was polling the staff about reopening the office. About 50% were ready to go back into the office and the other 50% had found normalcy in working from home. I was in the 50% who does not want to return to the office. My job does not require me to honestly work with anyone but I know our laid back office environment is a staple for our company. It was a selling point for me when considering the position. And I was able to experience it for a short period of time. It was indeed nice, but I realized how much I loved being at home in my own space.

Today we learned that we will all remain remote until 2022. I’m sure a lot of companies are making adjustments to accommodate their staff working from home as a permanent option. I proposed we make more definite decisions on reopening for those of us with children. I would love to remain working with my company and have the flexibility to move. A lot has happened in my life in general since we have transitions to working remote. Relocating is at the top of my priority list at the moment. And I’d love the possibility of relocating out of state.

I realize it was Wellness Wednesday and I was unproductive across the board. I didn’t work on my book. I hadn’t completed a blog entry all day. I didn’t work on my app or fulfill any orders for my little side hustle. I was truly lazy today. Unproductive for a better choice of words. And I had really done much of nothing for work. This time of year, I don’t really have much to do. Sales slow a little, training halts for a bit and everyone prepares for flu season.

I had one meeting and spent the rest of the day looking at houses, doing laundry and sneezing. Dusty home repairs have thrown my allergies in overdrive and I’m sitting here with tissue hanging out of my nose.

Going back into an office environment is not something that I want to do at this point. I never thought I’d say this. Hell to be honest, I don’t want to HAVE to work for anyone else period. I believe I have quite enough business ideas that allow me to just enjoy the remainder of my time on this weird ass planet with those that I love.

If you participate in Wellness Wednesday, I hope it was awesome. If you don’t you should try it out. I missed Lunchtime Yoga. It was replaced with an unscheduled nap after I made the kids lunch. Smh. We’re halfway through the week, even closer to Christmas and folks tell me Fall is upon us…I’ve got to at least go outside a little more.

Note to self: You should probably change the yard flag too. It may still say Hello Spring 🤦🏾‍♀️

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