Series Finale: Season 38, Episode 16

Realest quote!

Today was the day I’ve been waiting for since January 2020. AD-Day! Absolute Divorce/After Divorce Day, whatever.

For starters I am not anti-marriage. I know and understand that one bad apple doesn’t sour them all. But I do see marriage (the legally binding agreement itself) as being meaningless as it relates to an actual long-term relationship. And my feelings on this isn’t new. I felt this way for quite some time after I got married.

I was not able to wrap my mind around the fact that a piece of paper, a ceremony (regardless of where it occurred) and repeating words after someone else (or making up your own) constitutes your ability and desire to love and care for another human being for as long as you should live?

I began to disagree with the act of marriage for myself wholeheartedly. It has never stopped me from supporting friends and family who decide to take the plunge. For me, the piece of paper that is signed does nothing more than allow you to (if you wish) file taxes together. Two single individuals can love each other, have children together, buy property together, live together, make life altering decisions for one another, etc. Being married is not a requirement for accomplishing any of those things aforementioned. And the bonus is they can still love, care and cherish each other for as long as they shall live. No marriage involved.

So for a while as I sat unhappy trying to fix something that was irrepairable, I began to wonder where did marriage even originate? Like who came up with such tomfoolery? Did it come from the Bible? Did this act pre-date Biblical the days? I often asked these questions and had conversations like such with my ex-husband. Especially when things got hard between us. I didn’t want him to feel obligated to stick around if he was unhappy simply because we had this “contractual agreement”. I always made it crystal clear that in the event that I became unhappy, that I’d try to reconcile but ultimately I would never stay with anyone to just be tolerated, used and abused. There is so much more to life than faking the funk or trying to keep up appearances in order to not appear as a failure.

What I learned was that marriage initially had nothing to do with love or religion, but everything to do with legally binding women to men as guaranteed property? Father’s handed over their daughters to men as a house maid, cook and in-home aide to ensure that the mans’ offspring would be biologically his. But wait it gets worse…in the event that the woman suffered from infertility, she was able to be returned like a damaged Amazon order and the man was then free to search for a more fertile wife to replace her. Sounds a lot like slavery if you ask me. But these are merely just my opinions and my thoughts. Keep in mind, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. We are all adults and can agree to disagree or just keep scrolling.

Now, religion came into play around the 8th century and made marriage purely sexual. Religion now, made marriage about SEX. Smh. Marriage then meant that a man and woman had exclusive access to each other for their sexual needs and desires. (Still sounds a little slaveish to me but eh) But marrying for love…that came from the French during the Middle Ages. Even though during this time men were fighting to win over the heart of a woman, they were still seen as property of a man. It was taken one step further and this random thought that you may think I have was recognized as a legal doctrine called coverture. This implied that a woman’s identity was absorbed by marrying the man. The woman assumed the man’s last name as a way of surrending her identity which meant that the man represented them both no longer just himself. Terrible concept.

The thought of marriage has indeed come a long way. And it is still evolving. It wasn’t until the 1980s that marital rape was recognized as being a crime, because there was still the thought that the woman was property of the man sexually. Today, in many states men can marry men and women can marry women. Hell they are dropping the age that children can legally get married without parental consent which is quite alarming.

All I’m saying is to each its own in believing in and participating in marriage. Some people do it for status, ownership or as something they were taught or shown that they had to do. Become an adult, get married, have kids, etc.

As of today, the series of my life that led me to believe the order of living an adult life included marriage is officially and legally over. After many years of being tolerated, I stand firm on the belief that a certificate of marriage does not define my ability to love, respect, cherish, care for and support the one I love emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually and financially.

I found my everything outside of my ex-husband. Someone who provides me with peace, comfort, safety, loyalty, respect, communication, honesty and love. A piece of paper, a ceremony and recited words won’t be the deciding factor on us building, growing and loving each other as long as we both shall live…

And so she lived happily ever after…

The Countdown

It’s March!!! I’ve been a little absent working on a huge project that I am hoping will change the trajectory of my “career”. As a devout Healthcare IT Professional, I am feeling uninterested, disengaged and unfocused on my 10+ year career choice. While I love my job, my employer and what I do, I no longer find it fulfilling. I know there is something else that I am suppose to be doing that has a much greater purpose.

In an effort to tap into this intuitive feeling of changing directions in my life professionally, I created my own business (again). Except this time, it is a solo venture. I use to love the idea of going into business with a close friend. You know, I eat, they eat, we are all happy and thriving. Nope. People are selfish and self-centered and often times not loyal, honest or trustworthy.

As creative as I am, I find myself doubting my abilities a lot. I suppress my own talents by being afraid not only of failure but also of success and the unknown. Well one day I jumped completely off the ledge into the abyss of owning a business all of my own. I have ideas on pages in journals and in notes on my iPad and phone of things that I want to do. Some I’ve already put into place, others, I’m not sure where to begin. I wrote a book. Completed a few eBooks, working on a Mindful Art course and a grief support group as I felt isolated, unheard, and uncared for by those close to me as I continue to drag myself through this ghetto ass process of grieving. Grief definitely changes you as a person and while losing my Mother created a huge shift in my life, it has not been all negative. If she’s watching, reading, or hovering near I hope she knows I am going to continue to make her proud. I’m not sure what else to do at this point anyways.

The sad part about March is the one year anniversary of my Mom’s transition. This brings about a lot of emotions. I feel like a fortune teller. As if this is all unreal and I am simply predicting a future event, hence reliving the day all over again.

On top of a few exciting business endeavors, March also brings warm weather which allows me to get back to running. (YAY!!!) Never thought I’d be happy to run recreationally after getting out of the Army lol. But the most exciting part of March is that my Baby Love comes home!!! A short hiatus is imminent while we reconnect and reset but stay tuned for all the great things to come. I’m sure there may be a few days where I the urge to blog will strike but I want to spend time uninterrupted with my Love. It’s been way too long.

Dreams Come True…

As long as we have someone to share our dreams with, there’s nothing we can’t do and nothing we can’t be!

I turn over and I guess whatever dream I was having had ended. I squint and squeeze my eyes open and close to focus on the time on the Echo Show sitting next to the bed. 4:14am, I think it says. I wonder, are you awake??? I focus a little more and see the picture behind the time is of you and I. I have on that silly mullet wig from Halloweens ago. You are just being you lol. Standing behind me smiling for the picture that I’m sure you just walked into. We don’t take nearly enough pictures to reflect on all the fun and good times. They reside in our memories and that is perfectly ok. I imagine that was a good day in the picture. I can’t pinpoint when it was or what we did, but there is always a good time had whenever we are together. And that’s in between the sheets or not. I miss you…

It’s bit chilly in the house at this hour. It is noticeable that it’s cold outside. I pull the covers back up over my shoulders and try to bury myself inside the bed. I turn over and grab one of the many throw pillows that form a mountain on the bed. I tuck the pillow into my chest and hold it tight. Not long ago, I would turn over and nestle into you, placing my hand on your chest. This is what I call home. Normally if I woke like this, with these feelings I’d cry.

Today I don’t cry. I’m reminded that dreams do come true. It is not so far fetched and crazy to imagine a life with someone you truly love. But what is a little scary is how quickly these dreams manifest into reality. And maybe that solely depends on the person and how strong their faith is. Instead of crying, I close my eyes and smile as I hold the pillow. So many thoughts run through my mind. Like how we have so much bed and yet you lay on the edge. Or you saying how “hot” I am laying next to you. My body would feel like it is on fire. (It’s literally the Aries in me 🤣🤣🤣) How about the age old conversation about why there are just too many damn pillows on the bed. And then I remember how we would make it a sport sometimes tossing the pillows from the bed to the resting chair when we prepare for slumber. My mind quickly shifts to us having this all out Nerf Gun war at home…it’s going to happen, so I hope he’s ready.

I have a lot to do. I have a place to locate and secure, a car to repair and a truck to purchase. I think this will be the perfect starter pack to starting life over. I will never compare my life before to now because there is simply no comparison. No matter the hardships, this life will still be so much better. Even with all that I’ve lost, I have peace. Even with all the setbacks, I am happy. And right now even with our temporary distance, I am excited for OUR future.

I know you disagree, but it won’t be long before you’re back with me. Time is going to fly, you just wait and see…

These boxes are stacked in a corner un-used…tonight I’m going to date myself and use one of these date boxes…the conversation starter is going to be the kicker

Positivity lives within you…don’t let external people, things and situations weigh you down with negativity