Just an average silly, nerdy chick. That's weird in probably a million different ways, sharing my sometimes fucked up life with you. Showing others that they should enjoy life, because there's always someone in a worse situation.
I am the manifestation of two fucked up individuals. In turn, I am a fucked up woman. My fucked up Father is dead and my mother isn’t in the best of conditions right now. I am the product of their pain.
I’ve been living one disappointment after another all my life. I laugh to keep from crying. And I smile to hide the pain. I’m that person who has so much bullshit in everyday life that I try to be the sun in everyone else’s. I want no one to feel the emptiness and loneliness that I feel. But often times I’m shitted on. Subliminally I’m criticized and not just by my close friends but also my family. I don’t expect anyone to know how I feel because they never walked a mile in my shoes.
From the frequent inappropriate touching by my older cousin at the age of 7, to the abandonment and regret of having created me from my late Father, to the lack of emotional support from my Mother; to the gang rape in the Army, the threats to end my life if I told a soul, and the handful of meaningless relationships that resulted in heartbreak, distrust, regret and pain to include my 15 year marriage. I see how fucked up I am. I don’t possess the ability to be happy. I am the protype for unhappiness, pain and hurt. I always have stayed to myself without a lot of friends because people tend to use me for my heart. And then dispose of me when I’m no longer needed.
So when you’re living everyday as a human burden, which is better…To be alive hurting and adding to it daily or to die and not have to deal with it again? When you’re dead inside anyways why does it matter?
The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
Everything needs to be left alone even your past, even your pain
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I’m awaken at 2am by my cell. It can only be one of two people calling and before I lift my phone, I already know which one it is… “Hello, sorry to wake you, this is Lisa, Nurse from…” 🤦🏾♀️ My heart sinks into my chest a little further as I listen, sleepily but awake. I hang up, let my phone slide out of my hand and I close my eyes to pray. This is routine. And I hate it. I hate these phone calls. I hate getting these phone calls and being alone. After I pray, my thoughts wander into those dark corners of my mind.
I try to wake up everyday thankful for the ability to see another day regardless of how I think and feel the day is going to go. This is like a ritual for me… No matter how fucked up my life is, I try to be thankful anyways for the good things…my kids and one more day above ground with them.
Lately I’ve felt like utter shit. Physically, emotionally and mentally. I’ve lost 30lbs, I can’t eat or sleep and I feel like I’m bothering everyone around me so I crawl into my shell to protect me from everything and everyone. Daily I crawl out of bed, walk upstairs to work, crawl back in bed when I’m done. Rinse, spin, repeat. I can’t pinpoint exactly what has me in such a dark place but I think it’s a combination of all my life stress, feeling alone and the holidays. I feel like shit…
I had never been one to contemplate suicide. I lost close family and friends to suicide and I’ve always wondered why they felt compelled to take their own life. Until the day I felt the urge to do the same. I tried to end it all. I chased hydrocodones with liquor and I smoked. I put on the cutest outfit and I laid on my bed. My kids weren’t home and I was more alone than ever. Not one text, not one phone call. Everyone was busy enjoying family and the company of others and I was just here. Why? Why should I continue to want to be here? For my kids? They have more than one parent and for some reason everyone seems to think I’m the better suited parent while their Father floats in and out of their life when it’s convenient for him. I’m tired. No one knows my pain. No one knows the shit I’ve been through in life. No one understands why I try my hardest to make everyone else smile.
I felt myself drifting away and so I cried silently. I didn’t want to wake up. I wanted it to all be over, so that I was completely alone and away from everyone and everything. I’ll never be loved, I will never truly be happy, everyday presents a new problem for me and I’m just here unhappy and occupying space. No father, essentially no mother…just me.
The music woke me up. Surely this wasn’t the elevator music on the way to Hell…I rolled over and cried at my failed attempt. And I cried until my face hurt and I could no longer breathe out of my nose. I yelled in my pillow. And then I rolled over and stared at the ceiling. I’m a real fucked up individual…and I’m tired. There is so much hurt and pain inside me and I just want it to go away…
I don’t think I left the bed at all. And the bed has been my safe space. Even though I’m alone, I can bury myself in here. I can cry, kick and scream. I never wanted to be “that girl” and I said I’d never be that girl but here I am. 🤷🏾♀️
Depression is lonely and frustrating and mostly just fucking exhausting.
Well it’s been a while since I’ve clicked the icon of this app…put my feelings, thoughts and stressful days in black and white (sometimes color if I was feeling daring). So I’m picking back up because my therapist thinks if I write more, it will alieviate some stress. Let’s see where this goes this time.
So a lot has happened since last year. Some good and a lot pretty bad. However if you see me, you probably wouldn’t know. I don’t purposefully try to live a secret life, I really just do not like a lot of people in my space. Unlike my closets, I try to keep my space organized with people who genuinely care for me and I for them. I’m not really big on social media (hence my year long hiatus on my blog post) or airing out my dirty laundry to strangers but the wave of my blog is now going to shift.
This particular topic was discussed this morning with my cousin. We are each other’s pillars. When we are down we look to each other for uplifting words or something dumb to make us laugh. We weren’t dealt the best hand from the deck of life cards so we move a little different. Yes, I know no one is perfect and no one had a perfect life. But this isn’t about you.
Queue “Then Leave” by BeatKing…
…Here is where you can get in your feelings and quit reading or following. It won’t make a difference to me. Remember this is homework for therapy so I’m going to continue to make it do what it do…
For those of you who decided to read on thank you. I welcome you with open arms. I hope you have a wonderful day… 🤗
Now my wonderful aunt…whom I love and adore said something to me that made me clutch my imaginary pearls…she made a statement in regards to praying for me…
Let me fill you in first…it has been quite some time since I decided my 15 year marriage was not working for me, for us. It was lopsided, toxic and just not what I wanted anymore. I tried and I decided to move on. I deserved so much more. Initially I told no one. Dealt with it the way I wanted. Discussing little tidbits here and there with my therapist and more with my best friend. I asked the man I had been married to for a good portion of my life to exit our home. I could no longer cohabitate with him. It was sending me to a dark place on the daily and honestly I had a lot of life stressors but he was the biggest one. I was an adult about the situation. I knew he wasn’t the most matured individual at 37 years old but I hoped for our children sake that he would act the part. Nope this asshole did just what he knew to do. Be a complete and utter dumb ass 🙄. (Blog post for another day) Fast forward. I now occupy the home I happily purchased 3 years ago with my children. And although they drive me insane at times, I am at peace in my element. He still has not come to terms with the pending divorce, my new relationship and the fact that I don’t care what he does anymore.
Now back to my aunt’s prayer…
My family is pretty large but we’re all pretty close. Once I told one person in my family about my soon to be divorce, it spread like a wildfire. Let’s say my children’s father was accepted as part of my family which is normal. But when I decided to walk away, I knew there would be no siding…🤦🏾♀️ My aunt seems to think that for me, this is a phase and me reacting to the stressors in my life. No. This is a life altering decision I made to allow me to find happiness, be the best mother I can be to my children and find my peace again. This lady says she is praying that me and my children’s father get back together.
Wayment… don’t do that…
Somebody get this woman…don’t pray for something I don’t want. Have people ever expressed to you that they are praying for the opposite of what you’re praying for? How do you handle it? I’m praying God heals me so I don’t take this hurt and pain into any other relationship.
I know I’ve been pretty nonexistent these last few months and there’s been so much going on that I couldn’t get my head into writing. I now realize how much of an outlet it is for me.
From losing my job, feeling completely out of control and uncertain about what’s next, to the job offers that are so bottom of the barrel that I’d be better off not working bc the salary doesn’t even cover childcare, to the legal bullshit I had to endure with my previous employer and now the life changing accident that shook me to my core and shed light in my dark corner.
I’ve never taken my parents for granted. I sadly watched my father slip away from me and there was no way I could even think of losing my mom. I spiraled completely out of control. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, all I could do was worry and cry. I have a crazy way of dealing with the thought of death. But I have always avoided any scenario about my mom. This woman has been through so much. She was my first best friend. She taught me everything I know.
Right now I’m just praying…praying that things change. Praying that July 23rd never happens again and that one day soon I get my mom back just the way she was. They say give your loved ones their flowers when they can smell them. In my heart I think I’ve done nothing short of that for my mom.
In My Unapologetic Life... 