Month Four

Here I am, 4 months after your transition…

Still not easier…in fact, it’s harder than last month.

I temporarily lost access to my best friend. The love of my life. The other half of my soul.

I reflect on how I wish you were able to meet him. He’s really a great guy. I can only imagine the conversations that you two would have had. Oh my goodness. You’d talk for hours. He’s the one that would have a beer with you. I even think, he would of been the one that could sweet talk you out of the house on a trip with us.

There is still so much I want to pick up the phone and talk to you about. My feelings, what’s going on, and get your advice, hear you sing or make a joke about anything and everything.

Your picture scrolled across my TV when it went to sleep yesterday. I looked at it and smiled. It was Brother’s going away party. You were standing next to him with his friends. I remember that day like it was yesterday. You were tired that day and you didn’t feel well but you made your way to his party. The party that I orchestrated. You were ready to go before it got dark so that you were at home. It was super hot outside and for a moment I had to make you come inside. You were sweating profusely and just didn’t want to be around “family”. Oh I understand now. Hell I don’t want to be around them now myself.

I sometimes find myself mad that I didn’t understand things that you told me growing up. And then I think maybe back then those weren’t things that I needed to understand. But now I have so many questions. I can hear you now. “Just shut up talking and listen! You ask so many damn questions. Inquisitive Ivy…” LOL. I loved it. You may have been one of few people who walked this earth who can make me hush.

There are days where I really forget that you are truly gone. And when I remember it hurts like it’s Day One all over again. I restart the stages of grief at least a few times a week. But it is ok. My new grief counselor says it’s normal. You never get over it. You learn to live with it…now that sounds better than time heals all wounds.

“Back to Nature”: Whenever life throws me a curve ball, I turn to Nature to release the pain

Where Do I Go From Here?

Where Do I Go From Here?

People often times struggle with what to say to someone when they lose a loved one. I know because I’ve done it. You’re asked how are you out of concern and knowing that you’re hurting. But there’s also the thought that nothing said will make it better.

When I’m asked “how are you?”, I fight back tears. That little 3 word question releases so many memories at once that I’m mentally and emotionally overwhelmed. I normally will look away or at the ground to try and stop the tears. Sometimes it works most of the time it doesn’t.

Just know, it’s not your fault and I understand that you’re really only concerned and at a lost for words. There’s nothing to stop or dull this pain. Just know I’m not ok. And I’m told that it’s ok to not be ok.

I thank everyone for all for the kind words, phone calls, text messages, food, prayers and love. This has been very hard and I’m sure this is only the beginning. I’m praying for peace and comfort, healing of not only the hearts of my brother and I , but also the hearts of all of my family. ❤️

Just Breathe

This ancient Sanskrit symbol positioned between my breasts and above my diaphragm is a beautiful reminder to do what comes naturally. It’s the first thing we do when we enter the world, and the last thing we do when we leave it.

Breathe Queen you’re going to be okay.

Breathe and remember that you’ve been in this place before.

Breathe and know you’ve been this uncomfortable, anxious and scared yet you survived.

Breathe and understand you can survive this too.

These feelings that you are having cannot break you. They are painful and sometimes debilitating, but you can sit with them and eventually they will pass. Have faith in your resilience.

It may feel unbearable at this moment but keep BREATHING.

This too shall pass…BREATHE.