Each morning before your feet hit the floor, before you grab your cell…give gratitude something(s) in your life that bring you joy. It doesn’t matter how big or small these things are.
Today I’m grateful for my children’s humble spirit, the ocean; as it calms me, and the invention of these devices that keeps us connected. All of these things get me through day to day.
I hope each and every person my post touches has an abundantly blessed day!
We are only 3 days into this elf business this year and it seems kind of hard to keep up with Jaxon…either I fall asleep before I remember to put him out or I wake up and forget to situate him before I get the kids up. Either way I have to do better ASAP.
Seems like both Jaxon and I are on some other shit this year…now I just have to remember to take my good Ghirardelli chocolate morsels out of the bathroom and put them back in the kitchen after the kids finish eating breakfast. 🤦🏾♀️
And would you know…now I have to use the bathroom…to the other end of the house I go so I don’t disturb the scene before the kids discover him. Who will find Jaxon first today? 🤔
I dog sat the cutest puppy aside from my very own yesterday. I think this slightly filled my void of wanting a baby and/or another dog 🤣
We have given her the nickname SB for short because my mouth just doesn’t work right all the time. She and my big 4 year old “baby” lab Simba have gotten along great. I think he’s just happy to have a canine companion. Getting another dog is now definitely on the list. The baby…let’s put a pin in that one. 😬
I forgot how often you’re up with puppies when they are this small. But being a chronic insomniac it didn’t really put a bend in my sleep or rest schedule at all. I did however fall asleep before putting out Jaxon for the kids…
I woke up scrambling trying to think of something to do. I couldn’t leave my room because the kids were up and they’d see me with him. Smh. This is why I have to stay on schedule in December.
I had to think fast so I grabbed one of the dry erase markers from the top of my closet. I picked up one of the kids pictures on the nightstand and I drew on their faces. They will be floored to see Jaxon has drawn mustaches, beards and elf hats on their picture. I sat him between the plant and picture frame with the marker.
Who will be the first to find him?
Aside from my children’s sperm donor appearing on my front porch unannounced, yelling and demanding I provide him with his mail, I’m awake and happy to situate Jaxon for the kids to see in the morning.
I have to find a little joy in Christmas for them and not ruin it by crying because I’m sad.
Today pushed me even more than before to locate a home to relocate to…I’m so tired of dealing with the bullshit and I’m not referring to playing with Jaxon…
Stay tuned for Jaxon’s shenanigans over the next few weeks…
I made myself head into the kitchen to begin cooking. I think to myself, this year is at least better than last year. Last year I spent the day before, day of and day after Thanksgiving alone. I think I mostly laid around crying. My head hurt majority of the day. I was dog sitting for my best friend and just in a real fucked up mood. I was alone, me and my very best friend was going through one of those moments and I just wanted things to be normal.
I’m starting to think that last year was just a dry run for what was to come this year. The only difference is that at least this year I had my babies at home. I managed to get in the spirit for a little bit before all the thoughts flooded my mind and I just began to overthink and then cry. I legit just wanted to get in bed and go to sleep until the new year at least.
Although it was extremely hard at one point in the day, I made it. And hopefully next year will be a little easier. I’m trying to learn how to navigate these holidays and special events by trial and error. The only things that really got me through were the kids, my seester, my bestie, my silly brother and being able to talk to my Baby Love.
As I prepare for slumber, I hope everyone had a day filled with gratitude and love. That is really what the day is all about.
In a large room there are women with long flowing hair and short pixie cuts. Expensive weaves with nicely laid baby hair; Mongolian, Malaysian, Brazilian. Neatly parted box braids, faux locs and twists. Traditional dreads, teenie weenie afros, voluptuous curls, kinky curly styled tresses that are neat, styled, unruly or free forming. Full faces of makeup…Bobby Brown, Fenty, MAC and Bare Minerals. Nicely drawn eyebrows, firmly placed individual lashes or strips. Colored contacts. Perfectly contoured cheekbones and noses with bronzer and what appears to be sparkly fairy dust. Lips lined, filled and plump with a glossy, matte or satin finish. Rocking designer threads, some leaving absolutely nothing to the human imagination and others thrifty and well put together. Bodies made by Dr. Miami, some off shore clinic in Columbia or Mexico and then those naturally made and approved by good home cooked meals, vegetarian and vegan diets and gym routines. Manicured nails and toes, stiletto, coffin, round, and square shaped beautiful and unique nail designs. Tall, short, light, dark, plus sized, skinny, fit and unfit, freckled, flawless, young and old…they are all beautiful in their own way. Some fighting for the spotlight, an area in the front of the crowd, hoping for all the attention or admiring themselves in their camera or in the camera lens of someone else.
And then there’s an awkward girl, attempting to stay unseen in the back of the crowd of well put together women. Intuitively feeling all of their insecurities, arrogance, self-centeredness, self-love, self-compassion and self-confidence or the lack thereof. With her finger styled two toned locs, thin at the crown, with pieces of gray hair, unarched and sparse eyebrows, sad but somewhat bright eyes that sat behind big framed glasses. Bare but speckled face from many years of fighting teenage acne even as an adult. Sparse lashes and a big ass hanging bottom lip that was passed down from her Grandfather that concealed her gap teeth that were slightly permanently yellowed thanks to the consumption of a trial cancer medication side effect. No Boundaries Walmart shirt, with a pair of ripped Burlington Coat Factory jeans and some dirty soled Converses. She stands at what she believes to be average height, with a weird frame due to fluctuating weight gain and loss because of grief, depression and just utter complications of life. She watches the ladies in front of her in admiration wishing she cared as much as they did about appearances.
She doesn’t understand the women who stand before her but she respects them. She doesn’t truly care to understand them because just as she stands in the back of the crowd. She doesn’t desire to stand out. She is perfectly ok with just existing. She is me…
In all my awkwardness I truly love me. I don’t need the praise and approval of others. I love the skin I’m in. Every scar, bump and bruise has a story. Some good and some bad. Center of attention? I hate it. Spotlight? I’d rather not. Physical appearance is cool and I believe that everyone is beautiful no matter what they look like. But my pure heart is what I care about most. I care and I give. I’m naturally empathetic and sympathetic to others. And that’s to include total strangers. In this particular story, episode, or simulation of life, I just want peace and happiness…not attention. Not all the extra, not competition for material things or status. And that’s not to say, I can’t put on all those things (besides the body by Dr. Miami) when I absolutely have to. Or that I don’t have nice things. But they are not a necessity in my life.
This post was simply to give myself some grace and to pay homage to this body that my soul is currently occupying. Life is hard. Grief is just stupid and people don’t cease to amaze me. Returning back to the clouded bubble that is my life. Praying that the sun comes out tomorrow.
I woke up today with the feeling of just wanting to lay in bed, curled up on my heating pad and watching TV. Slipping in and out of naps while the kids run in and out of the bedroom.
I miss my Baby Love something serious today…I’m trying not to get in the habit of counting days or weeks in hopes that time will fly like it did before now. But this time of the year sucks. I repeat to myself that it won’t be like this always. And “It’s almost Friday!”
Sitting in the bed, I remember this time last year, we had a great weekend. This was the weekend he planned. He said, I always was the one to plan things for us to do, so he wanted to plan the weekend. I was game. It didn’t really matter to me honestly. Us being together whether we did a lot or nothing was fine with me. Foodies…one thing we do well is eat. Even though I am now vegetarian, we still manage to find the coolest and best places to grub.
That particular weekend was really sweet. And I sit and smile because I can’t wait to have more days like that for the rest of our lives. He truly planned the entire weekend. We had a schedule lol. Food, movies, food, indoor skydiving, food, and relax. The movie was great. The food all weekend was awesome but dinner at the family owned and operated restaurant outdoors was beautiful. If I close my eyes, I can picture that evening all over again. I think to myself, I love this man. He can do absolutely nothing and I’d love him just because he is himself.
This year is bittersweet because we are separated in distance but I hang on to the thought that in due time, we will be under one roof with plenty of time to do all the things we didn’t think we had time to do…Game Day Sunday with snacks and trash talking, people watching when we’re out and about and bored; making up stories about their lives and interactions, movie days in bed at home, playing with the kids, cooking together and for each other…the Nerf Gun War…the water gun fights…I see the sunshine peeking through the clouds but the rainbow is on the other side of the new year. And I cannot wait.
I miss your smile And your joking ways, I miss the sweet things You use to say, Through daily mental memories I do recall, That's when I miss you Most of all
In My Unapologetic Life... 