#selflove – In My Unapologetic Life…

Embrace the Radiance of Sunflower Season

As the sun unveils its warm embrace upon the earth, a vibrant spectacle unfolds, filling our hearts with joy and optimism. Yes, it’s that time of the year again – sunflower season! And if you didn’t know, it’s my absolute favorite flower ever!

Sunflowers have long been associated with positive energy and optimism. Their vibrant colors and cheerful presence have the remarkable ability to brighten even the dullest of days. Just a glimpse of these radiant flowers can instantly uplift your mood, reminding us to focus on the beauty that surrounds us. Sunflowers teach us to look towards the light, to find strength in the face of adversity, and to radiate positivity in every aspect of our lives.

In addition to their visual appeal, sunflowers also carry a deeper metaphorical meaning. Their journey from seed to full bloom is a testament to the power of growth and transformation. From a tiny seed buried beneath the earth, sunflowers emerge, stretching towards the sky with unwavering determination. This remarkable process reminds us that even in the face of challenges, we have the potential to flourish and bloom into something magnificent.

Sunflower season not only captivates us with its breathtaking beauty but also serves as a wellspring of inspiration. Artists, writers, and photographers alike are drawn to the enchanting allure of these magnificent flowers. Their vibrant hues and captivating symmetry awaken our creativity and ignite a spark of imagination within us. They encourage us to see the world through a different lens, to appreciate the simple pleasures, and to find inspiration in the most unexpected places.

Saying “No” with Self-Love

Lately, the word “no” has become my mantra. It’s not a negative word, but a powerful tool for protecting my emotional well-being. Saying “no” to dates might sound crazy, but trust me, it’s a form of self-care that’s blossoming beautifully.

Breakups leave scars, emotional ones that take time to mend. Right now, I’m in the gentle process of healing, rediscovering myself, and figuring out what kind of story I want to write next. Dating in this vulnerable space feels like putting on roller skates before learning to walk again. Not smart.

So, instead of forcing myself into potentially awkward situations, I’m focusing on inner exploration. I’m back to reading self-help books filled with wisdom, not TikTok videos. I’m taking long walks in nature, listening to smooth lofi, not the noise of a crowded restaurant. I’m spending quality time with my children and close friends, basking in the warmth of genuine connection.

This period in my life isn’t about staying stagnant. It’s about creating a foundation of self-love and understanding. It’s about remembering my worth and setting boundaries that prioritize my emotional health. When I eventually do decide to open myself up to dating again, it will be from a place of strength and clarity, not desperation and loneliness.

Remember: saying “no” is a powerful act of self-love. It doesn’t make you weak, it makes you wise. Focus on healing, on rediscovering who you are, and trust that love will find you again, but on your terms and on your own beautiful timeline.

A Celebration of “Trying”

“Trying.” It’s a word often tossed around casually, but lately, it’s felt like the weight of the world on my shoulders. I’m in the thick of growth, tangled in the messy process of healing. Forgiveness feels like a distant melody while grief lingers like a shadow. I search for answers while wrestling with the need to let go.

This life we lead is a juggling act. And let’s be honest, sometimes the balls feel like they’re all about to come crashing down. Yet, here I am, catching them (most of the time) and trying again.

We often focus on achievements, on the finished product. But what about the messy in-between? The part where growth and healing coexist in a chaotic dance? Where forgiveness feels like a whisper against the roar of anger, and grief clings to us even as we try to let go?

This “trying” phase deserves its own celebration. It’s a testament to the human spirit, to our inherent desire to become better versions of ourselves. It’s the quiet voice within us saying, “I may be hurting, but I’m still here, and I’m still moving forward.”

It’s okay if forgiveness takes time. It’s okay if grief ebbs and flows. It’s okay if searching for answers feels like wandering in the fog. The important thing is that we’re still trying.

And while we’re busy juggling growth and healing, don’t forget the most important love story of all: the one with yourself. It’s easy to get lost in the needs of others, to prioritize the world around us. But in the midst of “trying,” remember to show yourself some compassion.

You are worthy of love, even when you’re messy and imperfect. You are strong, even when you feel fragile. You are capable of incredible things, even when you’re just “trying.”

To the jugglers, the healers, the grievers, the searchers, and the lovers. May we celebrate the “trying” phase, for it’s in this messy, beautiful in-between that we truly grow.

Sending love and encouragement to you all on your own unique journeys. ✨

Worth the Effort

I woke up feeling good today. Ready to tackle the grocery store instead of shopping online. And browsing for flooring and new living room furniture.

Moving on is hard. Life around you is business as usual and you’re stuck in time. On a day where your life changed forever.

The cat calls, the compliments and advances from men…they are unwarranted. Unsolicited. I say thank you, no thank you and inside I have this consistent ache in my chest that reminds me that I’ll never be worth the effort to any man in this lifetime.

I’ve made peace with just that this week. It’ll take a lifetime for me to heal from all that I’ve endure and buried. And while I was looking for someone to love me through my healing, I’ll provide myself with that love that I want so bad.

Chapter 39 officially closed. ❤️‍🩹

Dragging

Each morning is like a bad dream. I trusted yet another man with my deepest and darkest fears, my dreams, my goals.

Every day I have to remind myself that I can get through this no matter how much it feels like I just will never. All I wanted was for him to just do one of the many things he said he’d do to show me he was truly different. I just wanted to have to stop begging to be talked to. I just wanted a hug when I was dealing with all that menopause had to offer. I just wanted to go out and have fun and not sit in front of the TV as the only source of entertainment. I wanted someone to cook with, enjoy the kids with, travel with. And as much as I kept asking what he really wanted out of the relationship, I was constantly met with a question instead of an answer or something so vague that it made me question his intentions a lot but I naively discarded those thoughts quickly. Each time until I couldn’t.

I looked past his past life, things he had done that he wasn’t proud of. I tried to be nothing short of supportive when he was going through the mental turmoil of his trial. I didn’t judge him. I actually loved this man and thought the world of him. I saw more potential in him than he saw in himself. I continued to be positive. Praying that he stay mentally intact to make it through this rough time. I stuck by his side. When his ex was ridiculing and being petty making fun of his possible demise, I still remained positive. Encouraging him to ignore the negative and have faith. And even when he didn’t. I tried to have the faith and positivity on his behalf.

I don’t have to throw around all the things I did for him but I have to remind myself that the things he said leading to my ultimate decision to end things were not true and are debunked by all those actions and more. He was upset and was just saying hurtful things because he was hurting. He didn’t realize that before all this I was with him hurting and even then it nor I seemed important. So his words just solidified all my intrusive thoughts. And knowing that I live in my head, he didn’t openly communicate with me to assure me that he truly loved me.

I opened my heart, my home and my children up to someone who couldn’t even SHOW me he cared or loved me when I desperately was begging for it. I didn’t want money. I just wanted to be seen, heard, respected , supported and appreciated. See me, hug me, love me, talk to me about anything and everything. Be my friend. After 4 years, I thought things would be different. Thought there would be some improvement but things kept getting worse. The “break” ended before it ever started because his pride and ego were larger than life, the professional help that I had for us, he made excuses for not using, resources I shared were always forgotten but I was always to blame for things not “going right”. Verbal abuse began between us via text and phone calls and I felt trapped back in my toxic marriage and I wanted out. So I got out. Even in me exiting, he didn’t try to DO anything to change my mind. To show me the better that he was doing. He just continued to say more and more hateful things. I’m in menopause. I’m hormonal, emotional and this definitely requires the support of an emotionally secure man. And a man that knows his partner well enough to be able to identify when she is herself and when she’s having a “flare” and to ignore it because it’s something she can’t control and will pass quickly. The feelings of being an inadequate woman because I don’t have control over my body during this time. The intrusive thoughts about my body image. Worrying if I was the cause of his erectile issues. Just so much mentally that I was dealing with and still trying to support him and our relationship, work, maintain the home bc he wanted to travel for work and raise children. But it seems he just wanted to get himself together at the expense of tying up my time, using my home as storage and wanting me to continue to “foot bills” while he got it together instead of working with me. Wanting to meet me where I was in life when I was trying to SHARE my life with him so he didn’t have to start from scratch bc the time ain’t there. I see how pressed I was for love and support now and I can say I am ashamed and I regret wasting his time too because I should have let him go before he was incarcerated.

Now I have to stop feeling bad and beating myself up because he didn’t put action behind the words he chose to share with me. He cheated on me and then shared that he regretted telling me after lying to me and saying that I could take whatever time I needed to get through it. I loved him way more than he loved me and I was too blind to see it. This was never what he wanted. At each point where he got down he wanted to return back to the toxicity that he told me he no longer wanted. I believed him each time he came back with an excuse. And each time he got more comfortable.

Exiting jail with someone else controlling his every movement, seemed to have turned him into a bit of a controlling man because he wasn’t like that before. He was no longer ok with how I lived and loved life. He was no longer ok with my children. He didn’t like them, didn’t want to talk to them just like he didn’t want to talk to me. They began to resent me and not want to be with me. So I have menopause mental instability coupled with resentment from my children and then my support was attacking me.

So today I have to officially let go of the thoughts of what could have been with this relationship. I have to accept that it’s going to take some consistent therapy and time to do so. I was certain that this was my “happily ever after”. I tried to do things differently in this relationship than in my last. Sharing my relationship wants up front. Sharing my boundaries. Explaining that due to my relationship with my late Father I don’t know how to and cannot allow myself to depend or NEED anyone because I’ve constantly had to show up for myself because everyone else just wants to tell me what to do, tell me what they think I want to hear and not really help do anything. Being more vulnerable than I’ve ever been with anyone, sharing things about myself that I’m working on but may screw up from time to time and asking for grace.

Every time I think I’ve experienced the worst type of hurt I’m presented with more. How I currently feel is how I felt after being raped. Empty. Used. Abused. Worthless. And to think when I shared this with him in my most vulnerable state he promised to never let anyone hurt me. But it ended up being him who hurt me the worse by breaking what pieces of my heart I had left.

It’s going to take me a long time to grieve this lost too. Here’s my first step…

I forgive you Ray. I thank you for the years that you definitely made me happy. They were absolutely wonderful. You taught me how to love in a different way and I will always appreciate that. I’m sorry that things didn’t work out as we hoped and I’m disappointed that you weren’t able to respectfully end things so that we could remain friends. I have love in my heart for you always and I wish you nothing but the best.

Finding Peace At Forty

At the cusp of four decades, a profound shift has taken hold, beckoning me to reassess my life again and seek solace amidst the whirlwind of my existence.

Finding peace at forty was a journey of introspection, acceptance, and a graceful surrender to the ebb and flow of my human experience. It was a time to completely shed societal expectations, embrace my wonderful uniqueness, and forge my own path toward contentment.

A solo birthday trip taught me that cultivating self-awareness, practicing mindfulness, and fostering meaningful connections, is what unlocks the elusive tranquility I crave. It required a gentle release of the relentless pursuit of perfection, a compassionate acknowledgment of my imperfections, and a deep appreciation for the beauty of the present moment.

I learned that finding peace at forty was not a destination but rather an ongoing process, a continuous exploration of my inner landscape, leading me to a place of serenity and fulfillment.

Friendship Assignment

Friendship is a beautiful and essential part of our lives. It’s the laughter, the shared secrets, and the support that makes life’s journey a little more manageable. I’ve always valued my friendships but even more in recent years. In every group of friends, there’s often that one person who takes the initiative to coordinate get-togethers, outings, and memorable experiences. They are the glue that keeps the social circle intact, but what happens when nobody seems to reciprocate the effort?

In my old group of friends it was I, the mastermind friend behind the memorable gatherings. I was that one person who seemed to naturally take on the role of the “memory coordinator”. I was the go-to person for planning parties, outings, and even just casual hangouts. I would invest time and effort in ensuring that everyone’s schedules aligned, creating opportunities for everyone to bond, have fun and make memories.

Being the memory coordinator certainly had its benefits. I got the satisfaction of seeing my friends come together, reconnecting, and sharing joyous moments. It was rewarding to know that I played a pivotal role in making these memories possible. However, there was also a downside to this grand role.

The sad truth is that the friend who takes on the role of memory coordinator often finds themselves in a precarious situation. I was so busy orchestrating holiday events and birthday gatherings that I neglected the big fact that if I didn’t perform in my role that I would not see my friends. This ultimately lead to feelings of loneliness and frustration.

The emotional toll of being the lonely memory coordinator was significant. It was disheartening to put in so much effort only to find that my friends were not as proactive when it came to including me in any friend gathering plans as a group or individually. Over time, feelings of resentment and isolation grew deep, and it lead to a sense of being the unappreciated friend.

Because my friends are my family I chose to address the situation. I began by intimately sharing my feelings with my friends individually. When nothing changed, I stop overextending myself and waited to see if someone else would put forth effort. In the interim, I began to focus on self-care and spending time alone doing things that brought me joy. I even considered expanding my social circle and connecting with others but realized that I had invested a lot of time in my group of friends and I did not want to open myself up to be let down again by friendly individuals. Am I wrong for treating my friendship like any other relationship?

I learned to nurture my own need for friendship by practicing self-care to alleviate the feeling of being lonely. True friendships are built on mutual effort, and my friends should be willing to make time for me, just as I have done for them. Until then, I’ll vacation quietly and celebrate silently.