Month Three

It’s been exactly three months to the day since my Mom left me on this Earth. It’s been very difficult to navigate. Often times I don’t feel there isn’t anyone that I can talk to who can truly relate.

I isolate myself quite a bit. I enjoy being home in my place of peace where I feel most protected. I’m cautious of who I let in because everyone doesn’t emit good positive energy.

Some days I can spend the entire day crying. Crying because I heard one of her favorite songs. Crying because I have no one to talk to, when my Mom was always a phone call away. Crying because I just genuinely miss her. It still doesn’t feel real. I still forget some days and call the facility to check on her. And some days I’m perfectly fine.

It’s hard no doubt. And this isn’t something I’d wish even on my worse enemy.

I try to spend a little more time outside these days in the sun because it makes me feel happy. When I begin to cry and I can’t stop, I go outside in my front yard, barefoot and I just stand or sit in the grass. Surely my neighbors think I’m nuts but I don’t care. Taking care of my mental is of upmost importance. And I don’t worry how others view me. (Lesson #999 From My Mom:

What they eat don’t make you shit Darling! Fuck how they feel about you!

-My Mom

In the three months she’s been gone a lot has been revealed to me. A lot has happened, some good and some bad. It forced me to put together my final arrangements for my own life. I spoke with my ex-husband to discuss how to handle our kids in my absence. Outside of him and my Brother, I don’t want anyone else having access to my children.

I learned that family and so called friends can be deceptive, conniving, deceitful, manipulative and controlling…but only if you allow them. I always thanked my Mom for how she raised me. And I still do every morning. I’m cut from a different cloth and that’s not to imply I’m better than anyone. It is to imply that I have values and morals that may not be like most. And one thing I don’t do is change how I treat people. I always operate out of a place of love. I always move cautiously to ensure I’m not harming anyone intentionally. I help those I can in ways that don’t interfere with taking care of me and mine. I listen, I give advice if I’m led to and overall I just try to be a good person. As abundantly blessed as I am, I am not stuck on how much or what I have in comparison to others. I’m content with being able to take care of me and my babies. I’m reserved and intuitive.

I now listen to my intuition more than I ever did. This was a rough month to endure but the lesson I learned is to be careful of who I let in my corner. Wolves dress in sheep’s clothing in all aspects of our life. And these wolves aren’t always strangers. I stay protected in all the ways (spiritually, physically and mentally) and stay in my peaceful bubble. I know I will have good and bad days but it’s always nice to look back on how far I’ve come. Time doesn’t heal our heart…only we do.

As lonely as it is here, I believe I can manage with all that you’ve taught me. Rest easy Mom, I got this.

-A Motherless Daughter