Oceanside Olivia

The kids haven’t been to the beach nearly as much as I have been this year. A lot has happened (and keeps happening) that pushes me to the beach often just to clear my head.

As I sat here, I watched people come and go. Couples playing volleyball. Owners playing fetch with their dogs. Kids chasing each other into the ocean. Kids building sand castles. Young adults recording tik tok videos and dancing to music. And there was me. The chick organizing her email inbox on her laptop in a cabaña. LOL. (Let’s hope I remember how to fold this crazy thing up smh.)

My kids filled my unused picnic basket with beach toys. What’s their plan? They want to build a city and then record Godzilla destroying it. Then they want to post it on YouTube to see how many likes it gets. Their goal is to be YouTube sensations…that’s so cute. Already striving to be great. I encourage so you know, I put my laptop down to produce this epic Godzilla episode for YouTube lol.

The older lady next to me came over to chat. Oddly enough, we had the same cabaña…and would you know, she wanted to know if I knew how to fold mine up LOL. Ma’am, I am going to struggle but I have YouTube handy if I get stuck. We talk a little more about where we are visiting from, her dog and the makeshift shade chair she created. She was pretty nice. It never fails though that if I come to the beach no matter how “alone” I try to stay, someone breaks my barrier and introduces themselves and let me in on a little secret that they have or a problem they’ve recently encountered. Today, the lady was lonely. It was just her and her dog. She reminded me of myself, so i respectfully (saved my draft of course) closed my laptop to converse with her. She had a nice aura about her so I felt ok.

I raced my son to the water. My daughter, who swims like a fish, is terrified of the ocean water. She splashed me with water without warning and then realized her Mother is truly the biggest kid. She ran back to the cabaña. Then my son and I raced back. I don’t know why these kids think their Mother is inactive lol. Whenever I run they act so surprised. Hello kids, once upon a time your Mother was in the US Army and she had to run. And she played sports…softball, cheerleading, thought I could play football…I’m super fast…ok not super fast but I can hang with the best of them when my asthma allows lol.

We pack up to head home. I see Fur Son on the camera sad and whining. He wants me to cook him chicken and rice and let him roll around pooting in my bedroom.

Outside of paying to having the littlest ones’ screen replaced on his iPhone, we’ve had a really decent day. I got some much needed sun and my beach fix. And the kids got their road trip wish and beach day as promised. This was a reminder that all of my “bad mornings” don’t have to result in a totally bad day. Now we have to decide on dinner…and then get home to Fur Son. Had I known dogs were allowed, I would have brought him on his first beach trip. Getting lost in the ocean is a whole different type of scary so I don’t know if I’m ready for that so soon after his stint in the pen…

Until next time, I’m going to keep being weird in hopes that more people join me lol. Just kidding. I’m a cool ass chick. ✌🏾

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Month Three

It’s been exactly three months to the day since my Mom left me on this Earth. It’s been very difficult to navigate. Often times I don’t feel there isn’t anyone that I can talk to who can truly relate.

I isolate myself quite a bit. I enjoy being home in my place of peace where I feel most protected. I’m cautious of who I let in because everyone doesn’t emit good positive energy.

Some days I can spend the entire day crying. Crying because I heard one of her favorite songs. Crying because I have no one to talk to, when my Mom was always a phone call away. Crying because I just genuinely miss her. It still doesn’t feel real. I still forget some days and call the facility to check on her. And some days I’m perfectly fine.

It’s hard no doubt. And this isn’t something I’d wish even on my worse enemy.

I try to spend a little more time outside these days in the sun because it makes me feel happy. When I begin to cry and I can’t stop, I go outside in my front yard, barefoot and I just stand or sit in the grass. Surely my neighbors think I’m nuts but I don’t care. Taking care of my mental is of upmost importance. And I don’t worry how others view me. (Lesson #999 From My Mom:

What they eat don’t make you shit Darling! Fuck how they feel about you!

-My Mom

In the three months she’s been gone a lot has been revealed to me. A lot has happened, some good and some bad. It forced me to put together my final arrangements for my own life. I spoke with my ex-husband to discuss how to handle our kids in my absence. Outside of him and my Brother, I don’t want anyone else having access to my children.

I learned that family and so called friends can be deceptive, conniving, deceitful, manipulative and controlling…but only if you allow them. I always thanked my Mom for how she raised me. And I still do every morning. I’m cut from a different cloth and that’s not to imply I’m better than anyone. It is to imply that I have values and morals that may not be like most. And one thing I don’t do is change how I treat people. I always operate out of a place of love. I always move cautiously to ensure I’m not harming anyone intentionally. I help those I can in ways that don’t interfere with taking care of me and mine. I listen, I give advice if I’m led to and overall I just try to be a good person. As abundantly blessed as I am, I am not stuck on how much or what I have in comparison to others. I’m content with being able to take care of me and my babies. I’m reserved and intuitive.

I now listen to my intuition more than I ever did. This was a rough month to endure but the lesson I learned is to be careful of who I let in my corner. Wolves dress in sheep’s clothing in all aspects of our life. And these wolves aren’t always strangers. I stay protected in all the ways (spiritually, physically and mentally) and stay in my peaceful bubble. I know I will have good and bad days but it’s always nice to look back on how far I’ve come. Time doesn’t heal our heart…only we do.

As lonely as it is here, I believe I can manage with all that you’ve taught me. Rest easy Mom, I got this.

-A Motherless Daughter

Full Moon: Strawberry Moon. Last Super Moon of 2021! Get your manifestation on loves!!!