Author: ~California Dreamer~

Just an average silly, nerdy chick. That's weird in probably a million different ways, sharing my sometimes fucked up life with you. Showing others that they should enjoy life, because there's always someone in a worse situation.

Friendly Reminder…

Be positive on purpose. 2022 just started. For me 2021 was 2020’s bitch, so 2022 has no choice but to be full of abundance, joy and peace. I’m speaking it each day I wake and each night before I sleep.

Join me…anytime you have an ounce of self doubt, feel negative, unproductive or less than, just repeat to yourself…

This too shall pass…

A lot of people

My Long-Term Chronic Condition

“Endometriosis is a progressive long-term chronic condition that can significantly impact a woman’s physical and emotional health as well as her daily routine. Often mistaken for just menstrual symptoms, this pain can stop a woman from doing normal activities.”

— Women, Living with Endometriosis

I don’t think many people are aware of Endometriosis and the chaos that it can bring to a woman’s life. There’s the countless physician office appointments, sometimes emergency room visits, multitude of tests, procedures, misdiagnoses, and then after you’re completely exhausted and emotionally scarred, there is surgery to confirm its existence.

I’ve been playing tag with Endometriosis since I was a teen. The exact cause of this silent condition/disease is unknown. So I will share my unfortunate experience and knowledge of Endometriosis.

Please note this is all just my opinions and provided to me over the years. Should you need medical attention or advice please consult your physician.

What is Endometriosis?

Endometriosis is a silent and invisible condition. Often mistaken as just run of the mill PMS symptoms, it is internally extremely painful. Imagine giving birth naturally for about 2-3 weeks out of each month. It is just that bad but no one would know but physically there is nothing to indicate that this condition exits to the human eye. Medically defined: Endometriosis occurs when tissue that appears and functions like the lining of the uterus (where babies are baked) grow outside the uterus (where the rest of our vital organs reside). Often times, this tissue will grow on the:

  • bladder
  • fallopian tubes
  • ligaments that support the uterus
  • ovaries
  • surface of the uterus

What are the signs & symptoms?

One huge and most common sign of Endometriosis is stupid painful menstrual cramps. The reason why it is more painful than a normal period is because the growths that have formed outside of the uterus swell and bleed along with the menstrual cycle. Unlike in your uterus, this growths blood has nowhere to go and it gets trapped wherever it is residing. This causes irritation of the surrounding areas, which in turn causes the extreme pain. But it doesn’t just stop there. Over time this irritation turns into scarring. There are a bunch more symptoms of endometriosis and if you are experiencing any, take charge of your health and demand your doctor find the answer. Endometriosis is life altering. Other symptoms include:

  • bowel issues (pain or bleeding with bowel movements, constipation and diarrhea)
  • extreme pelvic and/or back pain
  • heavy periods
  • infertility
  • large clots
  • pain with urination and sex

How is Endometriosis Diagnosed and Treated?

Receiving a diagnosis of the condition can sometimes be extremely hard. Many doctors will see you, ask repetitive questions, complete a pelvic exam, order ultrasounds and sometimes even an MRI scan.

The first thing a doctor does when you begin to complain about the pain and the fact that this is much different than just normal period pain is to prescribe a pain reliever such as Naproxen or Ibuprofen and sometimes hormonal birth control. The hormones in the birth control decreases bleeding and is thought to ease the pain. This is true for some women. For me, it was not. As a hormone sensitive woman, I experienced every side effect birth control had to offer. Talk about a nightmare walking.

When symptoms do not improve and the pain persists with the treatment put in place by the doctor, this may be the time that laparoscopic surgery is recommended. Laparoscopy is thought to be one of the most effective ways to treat endometriosis because during the surgery, the growths that are causing the pain can be removed. After surgery most women, experience substantially less pain. But do note that surgery is not a CURE. I was one of the women that after almost a year and a half of doctor visits, ER trips and pain, I agreed to the surgery. The surgery seemed to have solved my infertility problem, it also stopped the pain and heavy bleeding. And now at 16 years post surgery, the pain is back and worse than it was before. In between the time that I had the surgery, I also used hormonal birth control after pregnancy to help control any pain and prevent the endometriosis from getting worse. Since having my Implanon removed from my arm, birthing a second child and experiencing all the wonderfully terrible side effects that hormonal birth control has to offer, I switched to a non hormonal method – Paragard IUD. For the last 2 years, it has been great. Until this year. The pain came out of nowhere. Hit me like a deer on a speed train tracks. It took a couple of doctor visits and then one ER visit and a consult to have confirmation that my endometriosis is back.

The Pain!!! What Can I Do?

To help relieve the pain (which I dare not refer to as period pain, as this pain can occur before you menstrual cycle begins as well as after it ends) I live by these items:

  • Heat
  • Exercise
  • Massage
  • Sleep
  • Balanced Diet
  • Increased Water Consumption
  • Meditation/Yoga

What Now?

It is extremely hard to describe to those close to you what your condition is, the severity of it and how it truly impacts your life. It is very hard for anyone to gauge your pain or even understand physically and emotionally what you endure. Just know that you’re not alone. And if you feel like no one else cares just know this crazy blog lady does…💛

Triggered Grief

It’s pitch black and there are only a few cars on the road. Traveling east bound back home after a few hours out with the kids. I felt like they needed some fresh air and they requested to spend some of their holiday money.

Singing to some song I barely know the words to, in the distance ahead I see the lights of an ambulance waiting to merge onto the rural road. As I near the ambulance I see that they have made a complete stop and not actually attempting to pull onto the road from the residential driveway.

As a healthcare professional who has spent many years working in the hospital setting, mostly the emergency department, I said a silent prayer for the patient inside the ambulance as well as the family that is inside the home.

The closer we get to the ambulance, my heart begins to race and I just feel a sense of worry and anxiousness. I tried to shake this by turning up my radio and singing again. Suddenly I am just overwhelmed with these emotions to include sadness. A small voice tells me to look into my rear view mirror. I look up and I see that the ambulance is now a couple cars behind me with its lights on but far enough away that I don’t need to “make way”.

I continue to drive, still experiencing these intense emotions. While the marquee of a million thoughts and stories are scrolling through my mind, I’m startled by the blaring sound of a siren. I look up again in my rear view mirror to see the ambulance had not only turned on the sirens but has also picked up speed. I sped up a little as well and at the time I was unsure why. In hindsight 20/20, I was trying to get away from the ambulance. I was not even a mile from the road I needed to turn on to get home. I was racing to turn before the ambulance could reach me.

The children are asleep in the backseat and I am just a hot mess while driving. After assessing that I would not make it to the road before the ambulance approaches me, I decreased my speed and turned on my flashers. My plan was to pull off on the shoulder to allow the ambulance to pass me.

As I pulled off on the shoulder and come to a complete stop, the ambulance bolts pass me. Those intense feelings of worry, sadness and anxiousness get stronger and stronger. I look up to see the lights on in the back of the ambulance but nothing more as they were making their way to the emergency department.

As I sat on the shoulder with my flasher on, I recount the numerous occasions that I received calls about my Mom being rushed to the emergency department. My eyes began to fill with tears and they fell down my face. Soon I was ugly crying and I could not stop. I had to just sit and cry because I also couldn’t see well enough to drive. My eyes were burning, my nose was running and I was silently sobbing in the front seat trying not to awake my children. I wasn’t successful because my daughter awakes and asks if everything is ok. I lie and say yes. She can see the ambulance in the distance ahead. She asks again if everything is ok and I respond by saying I needed to pull over to let the ambulance pass. She understands and lays her head back down to sleep.

I never knew a place, a person, or a thing could trigger a grief response. (If that is even a thing) I was crying because I could not imagine how my Mom felt riding in the back of an ambulance with the sirens blaring and with emergency personnel all around her. She hated hospitals. Or should I say she was fearful. Strongest woman I know but she had her weaknesses. I begin to feel alone, sad and scared. At this point I just want to get home to my safe space.

I cried all the way home. And once I got home, I cried a little more. I miss her. And I realize that I will never stop missing her. I don’t see how this can or will ever get easier when reminiscing causes such intense and tearful moments. But for once I cried outside the tub (my safe space) and I allowed myself to feel every emotion. I didn’t try to bury it or dismiss it.

But the fact still remains that I miss her something terrible.