Author: ~California Dreamer~

Just an average silly, nerdy chick. That's weird in probably a million different ways, sharing my sometimes fucked up life with you. Showing others that they should enjoy life, because there's always someone in a worse situation.

Allow Me To Reintroduce Myself

Have you missed me???

It’s been about 2 months since my last blog post. And if I can be honest…I have actually missed writing (typing). However, trying to get back into the groove has been a little hard after not doing it for such a while. I’ve struggled to come up with a blog topic since I announced that I was back. So please bear with me while I get back into the swing of things.

Why did i take a break?

Life. Simply put I got distracted by a whole lot.

what happened during my break?

I took a couple of trips in and out of state. My parallel sibling deployed across the country. I started “Sundates”. I dropped my trash Internet service provider for T-Mobile Home Internet. My daughter graduated from Elementary School and returned to in-person instruction after being home for 2 years. I finally got my old HVAC unit out of my house and to the curb by myself. (I cursed the company that installed my new unit for having poor customer service and being unreliable assholes) I experienced a relationship hiccup. My daughter had a birthday. I discovered a great vegan restaurant during one of my conquests. I purchased paint markers and changed my life artistically. I finally got my hands on some Krispy Kreme Cinnamon rolls (they were so overrated). I managed to fit into my bridesmaid dress for my cousins wedding (I ceased all physical activity during my hiatus as well). I accumulated a garage full of pallets, thanks to my best friend for a project. Those pallets are still in tact in my garage. I interacted with my family for the first time since my Mother passed away. I’ve painted quite a bit, written absolutely nothing. My house locked me outside. I downsized my already microscopic circle. My oldest started middle school and my youngest started Kindergarten. I found out that my daughter’s vision was jacked and she had to get glasses. My son dislikes school and wants to stay home.

what’s next?

Well, I plan to not take another unannounced hiatus this year. And since I am an avid procrastinator, for accountability purposes I’m recording my blogging goals here.

  1. I plan to document my traveling journeys. I would love to document and share the details of our trips with pictures and links to must see attractions.
  2. I think I’m finally ready to release my first book for presale…(not really sure about this one). Sneak peak will be released here first!
  3. I love writing, and I’m really trying to get back to doing more of the things I love. Now that the kids are back in school, I will create a consistent blogging schedule.

I’ve missed my WordPress notifications so stay tuned…I’m glad to be back in my blogging element again.

SunDate

It’s self-care Sunday.

I was kid free and refused to be bored. Usually I’d huff and puff about driving but legit, where the fuck do I go for real. So I got a little cute and hopped in the car headed to brunch for one at a vegan spot recommended by my cousin.

As I drove I remember the weekends that I was out and about early…just to enjoy the day. Ok, maybe not just to enjoy the day but to run away from the house because I didn’t have to work but same thing, same thing. I rolled my windows down, turned the radio up and I cruised the speed limit because I had time to kill and no real place to be.

The drive started to get a little rough the hungrier I got lol. I finally made it downtown and realized I had to park on the side of the street. And then walk a block or so to the restaurant. I was slightly buzzed for aesthetics and had on comfy shoes so I didn’t stress it much.

I “eek’d” inside when I saw they had outdoor seating. I obviously didn’t do my homework like I normally do for restaurant sampling. I didn’t look at any reviews. I just took my cousin’s word for it bc “foodies”…they be knowing and we are never off lol. And I was hungry lol.

I was seated immediately. And even though I’ve viewed the menu briefly on the walk over, I still don’t know what I want. I settled on my drink, ordered a sangria and began to people watch. I wish I had wore my sunglasses because it’s awkward people watching with my regular glasses. Yea I’m one of those, call me weird. I look around and there are some couples (awe cute) and some girlfriends brunching. I’m the only solo shorty. I started to miss my Baby Love…Time I think. Something we don’t have enough of and when we get it, it goes so fast and we do so little of nothing.

Element Gatropub’s Chick’n and Waffles with Tofu Scramble & Peach Sangria

**Deep sigh** I eat, I get depressed, orange gets stuck in my straw and I can’t finish my sangria. I turn up the glass, I pay and leave. My mind takes seat on a rollercoaster. I couldn’t keep up even if I was taking notes.

My Mind: Go get my eyebrows threaded. It’s past due, I’m close by and I really only like them doing my brows. Oh wait, Cinnaholic…remember you wanted one so bad but when you finally got it, one wasn’t enough? Ooooh call Best Friend so you can go and play with the baby. Babies make everything better. What about ice cream at the park? It’s hot outside. I don’t want to sweat. I was bold wearing white today like I don’t always drop something on my clothes when I eat. But I made it thus far.

I know I changed the GPS like 3 times.

My Mind: Go get cinnamon roll first because, dessert. No get brows done first they close the soonest. It’s ok get cinnamon roll first because I have the munchies. We can get eyebrows done later. Later when? We are not coming back this way anytime soon. Shit ok, let’s go. Which one first again?

Well Cinnaholic won. I made it over there. Created a sweet roll of diabetes and barely made it back to the car before licking the icing off the cardboard container interior top. (Wanted to be very clear for all the technical people who would cringe thinking I licked the exterior side of the container) Ate some before I backed out and promised myself I’d stop eating it until I got to the eyebrow spot. I drive across town to the eyebrow spot trying not to crash while eating this cinnamon roll with cake batter icing, pecans, chocolate chip cookie dough and caramel sauce. I pull up only to find a handwritten note on the door saying they had closed early. Ugh. I back up and head on home.

Cinnaholic: CYO-Cake Batter icing, with Pecans, Chocolate Chip cookie dough and Caramel sauce

My Mind: Fuzzy brows it is…oh well. You should of came here first instead of going to Cinnaholic. I miss my Baby Love. This drive is too long. I hate people. I hate driving but not as much as I hate not being able to GO. I should of gotten another cinnamon roll. I’m going to be bored when I get home. I’m going to change my spark plugs myself because YouTube University will show me. *instantly ill* Take this bra off. We can’t breathe and no one is going to see us. Thank you! *relief but still ill* I’m going in the house and get in the bed. I hate it here. I don’t want to have to pay a mechanic because I fucked up my car. What is today again? How did we get here? The day was promising right? No? Ok. Turn the TV on. Omg noise, turn it off. Turn on some light, it’s too bright in here. Turn off light. Turn on TV, mute the TV. Snuggle under the covers. It’s cold under here. There’s never any dick in this house. *I’m angry*

In an effort to shut off my mind I ball myself up real tight (so I don’t get the urge to pee) and go to sleep. This was the worse date I’ve taken myself on in a while. The food was a 10/10. My mood was just a -10/10 and that ruined the entire remainder of date.

Let’s try again next Sunday shall we?

Sick & Tired

In my mind…

I rarely get in my feelings…maybe it’s because I live in my head, maybe it’s because I careless what people think of me but anyways there’s this repetitive pattern I’ve noticed with a “so-called” friend of mine that has been bothering me but today unraveled me.

Now people who know me well, know I’m quite an understanding and forgiving person. But when things don’t sit well with me, it really nags at me until I address the situation. And this one I’m just not sure how to approach it just yet because I legit want to explode. This gives way to why I don’t trust people.

I realized that I am no longer a very vocal person. How and what I felt use to always exit my speaker box without hesitation. Now I think long and hard before I speak. Sometimes I will purposefully not respond to comments or questions if I feel an internal nudge to “hold my tongue.”

But in the past year, I’ve felt most attacked, judged and criticized by someone I trusted. And during times where I was struggling to merely exist.

This individual is suppose to be a best friend, yet in the past year has not missed an opportunity to make light of what I feel are pivotal times in my life. I’ve tried to ignore and dismiss it but today it really stuck with me.

Living and learning…loving and growing…understanding and appreciating my source peace.

Earth is ghetto. And people on this planet are truly like emotional crabs in a barrel. If they feel like you’re happier than them or have something they don’t, they create a secret competition with you. All the while you’re just loving and trusting them for who you thought they were. #ElysianMe

Series Finale: Season 38, Episode 16

Realest quote!

Today was the day I’ve been waiting for since January 2020. AD-Day! Absolute Divorce/After Divorce Day, whatever.

For starters I am not anti-marriage. I know and understand that one bad apple doesn’t sour them all. But I do see marriage (the legally binding agreement itself) as being meaningless as it relates to an actual long-term relationship. And my feelings on this isn’t new. I felt this way for quite some time after I got married.

I was not able to wrap my mind around the fact that a piece of paper, a ceremony (regardless of where it occurred) and repeating words after someone else (or making up your own) constitutes your ability and desire to love and care for another human being for as long as you should live?

I began to disagree with the act of marriage for myself wholeheartedly. It has never stopped me from supporting friends and family who decide to take the plunge. For me, the piece of paper that is signed does nothing more than allow you to (if you wish) file taxes together. Two single individuals can love each other, have children together, buy property together, live together, make life altering decisions for one another, etc. Being married is not a requirement for accomplishing any of those things aforementioned. And the bonus is they can still love, care and cherish each other for as long as they shall live. No marriage involved.

So for a while as I sat unhappy trying to fix something that was irrepairable, I began to wonder where did marriage even originate? Like who came up with such tomfoolery? Did it come from the Bible? Did this act pre-date Biblical the days? I often asked these questions and had conversations like such with my ex-husband. Especially when things got hard between us. I didn’t want him to feel obligated to stick around if he was unhappy simply because we had this “contractual agreement”. I always made it crystal clear that in the event that I became unhappy, that I’d try to reconcile but ultimately I would never stay with anyone to just be tolerated, used and abused. There is so much more to life than faking the funk or trying to keep up appearances in order to not appear as a failure.

What I learned was that marriage initially had nothing to do with love or religion, but everything to do with legally binding women to men as guaranteed property? Father’s handed over their daughters to men as a house maid, cook and in-home aide to ensure that the mans’ offspring would be biologically his. But wait it gets worse…in the event that the woman suffered from infertility, she was able to be returned like a damaged Amazon order and the man was then free to search for a more fertile wife to replace her. Sounds a lot like slavery if you ask me. But these are merely just my opinions and my thoughts. Keep in mind, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. We are all adults and can agree to disagree or just keep scrolling.

Now, religion came into play around the 8th century and made marriage purely sexual. Religion now, made marriage about SEX. Smh. Marriage then meant that a man and woman had exclusive access to each other for their sexual needs and desires. (Still sounds a little slaveish to me but eh) But marrying for love…that came from the French during the Middle Ages. Even though during this time men were fighting to win over the heart of a woman, they were still seen as property of a man. It was taken one step further and this random thought that you may think I have was recognized as a legal doctrine called coverture. This implied that a woman’s identity was absorbed by marrying the man. The woman assumed the man’s last name as a way of surrending her identity which meant that the man represented them both no longer just himself. Terrible concept.

The thought of marriage has indeed come a long way. And it is still evolving. It wasn’t until the 1980s that marital rape was recognized as being a crime, because there was still the thought that the woman was property of the man sexually. Today, in many states men can marry men and women can marry women. Hell they are dropping the age that children can legally get married without parental consent which is quite alarming.

All I’m saying is to each its own in believing in and participating in marriage. Some people do it for status, ownership or as something they were taught or shown that they had to do. Become an adult, get married, have kids, etc.

As of today, the series of my life that led me to believe the order of living an adult life included marriage is officially and legally over. After many years of being tolerated, I stand firm on the belief that a certificate of marriage does not define my ability to love, respect, cherish, care for and support the one I love emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually and financially.

I found my everything outside of my ex-husband. Someone who provides me with peace, comfort, safety, loyalty, respect, communication, honesty and love. A piece of paper, a ceremony and recited words won’t be the deciding factor on us building, growing and loving each other as long as we both shall live…

And so she lived happily ever after…