I created a whole new level in my friendships lol. There is friend, best friend and now very best friend. Let’s be clear, I don’t possess a lot of friends. And most of my friends are guys because, I have just never really been able to vibe with females. They are catty, always in secret competition with you and then just not trustworthy. I have three female friends. But when I really break down our relationship, I have one. The other two are actually relatives. My male friends…I have four. One is much older than me and he’s like my mentor. He’s helped me through a lot and I him. Three of them are close in age or went to school with me. And one of them I met when I relocated and we just have always kept in touch. All of them are a thorn in my side because they treat me like kid sister.
Well now I have a very best friend. This title is exclusive. This very best friend knows me inside and out. We share some of the most intimate moments together. We share dreams, goals, fears and wishes for the future. He’s my other half. This level of friendship is like no other friendship I’ve had before. One where I am free to be me (I am always me, sorry) but I don’t feel like I’ve offended anyone or have someone feel a way about something I’ve said or done. He’s the one who isn’t afraid to give it to me straight, tell me what’s on his mind and put me in my place when needed.
Very best friend…I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him…you know until the end.
As long as we have someone to share our dreams with, there’s nothing we can’t do and nothing we can’t be!
I turn over and I guess whatever dream I was having had ended. I squint and squeeze my eyes open and close to focus on the time on the Echo Show sitting next to the bed. 4:14am, I think it says. I wonder, are you awake??? I focus a little more and see the picture behind the time is of you and I. I have on that silly mullet wig from Halloweens ago. You are just being you lol. Standing behind me smiling for the picture that I’m sure you just walked into. We don’t take nearly enough pictures to reflect on all the fun and good times. They reside in our memories and that is perfectly ok. I imagine that was a good day in the picture. I can’t pinpoint when it was or what we did, but there is always a good time had whenever we are together. And that’s in between the sheets or not. I miss you…
It’s bit chilly in the house at this hour. It is noticeable that it’s cold outside. I pull the covers back up over my shoulders and try to bury myself inside the bed. I turn over and grab one of the many throw pillows that form a mountain on the bed. I tuck the pillow into my chest and hold it tight. Not long ago, I would turn over and nestle into you, placing my hand on your chest. This is what I call home. Normally if I woke like this, with these feelings I’d cry.
Today I don’t cry. I’m reminded that dreams do come true. It is not so far fetched and crazy to imagine a life with someone you truly love. But what is a little scary is how quickly these dreams manifest into reality. And maybe that solely depends on the person and how strong their faith is. Instead of crying, I close my eyes and smile as I hold the pillow. So many thoughts run through my mind. Like how we have so much bed and yet you lay on the edge. Or you saying how “hot” I am laying next to you. My body would feel like it is on fire. (It’s literally the Aries in me 🤣🤣🤣) How about the age old conversation about why there are just too many damn pillows on the bed. And then I remember how we would make it a sport sometimes tossing the pillows from the bed to the resting chair when we prepare for slumber. My mind quickly shifts to us having this all out Nerf Gun war at home…it’s going to happen, so I hope he’s ready.
I have a lot to do. I have a place to locate and secure, a car to repair and a truck to purchase. I think this will be the perfect starter pack to starting life over. I will never compare my life before to now because there is simply no comparison. No matter the hardships, this life will still be so much better. Even with all that I’ve lost, I have peace. Even with all the setbacks, I am happy. And right now even with our temporary distance, I am excited for OUR future.
I know you disagree, but it won’t be long before you’re back with me. Time is going to fly, you just wait and see…
Previously written thoughts from my head as I lay in bed…
Distance is a number to calculate unconditional true and pure love…
I lay in the bed and I think about you
I love you so much that I don't know what to do
Wanting to feel you by my side
The pain that I feel in my chest moves up to my eyes
You're so far away but always so near
You are the only reason I still reside here.
Excited for the times when we can talk
Ecstatic for all the times we can hold hands, kiss, hug or just go for a walk
To feel you in real life...so close to me
The happiest woman in the world is what you make me.
Your eyes shine bright like the morning sun
You don't believe it but to me you shine brighter than anyone
A smile so sweet that it instantly makes me smile
It manages to quiet my mind for just a while
I patiently wait for the next time when my hand is in yours
To feel your touch and hear you say those three little beautiful words.
Even after all this time, there are still no words I can say to describe
How "see you later" makes my heart ache and my eyes cry
But when we talk my heart flutters and flies
You always manage to erase the tears I cry.
You are my stars and you are my moon
I believe that being with you forever will come very soon
When we are apart take this to heart
No one or nothing will ever keep us apart.
People who are able to express themselves easily will never understand how liberating this feels. All it takes is 6 simple words sometimes. And as simple as that sounds it still doesn’t make expressing myself any easier. The topic was negativity…maybe tomorrow I can try being more positive. Giving myself some grace today…
I woke up sad and unhappy. I tried to smile but cried. I really hate it here today. I threw all their toys away. Praying the heartache and pain away. I painted my entire day away. All I hear; “Oh,it’s ok!” Sick of just hearing, “I understand”. The conversation is almost always abandoned. I’m so sick of feeling empty. Life is such a miserable place. Why live when we can die? Why love when we can hate? How much more can I lose? How much more can I take? I have no living parents here. I want to run far away. Where the trees and sky meet. I want water at my feet. I want sun on my face. It usually makes me feel okay. I just want to be happy. I just want some damn peace. Hell no I am not OK! Grief is such a muthafuckin beast.
I sit in this Mom & Pop Diner waiting for the waitress to take my order. Behind the counter is one cook, 2 waitresses and there is a waiter and waitress sitting at the end of the bar eating. I’m assuming their shift hasn’t began yet. People are coming and going to pick up food and place orders.
My son and I sit patiently. Waiting for the waitress who said just a moment 20 minutes ago to come back. She’s now at the counter taking the order of someone who walked in the door.
Normally I would have piped up and made it known that waiting this long is unacceptable for a paying patron. But what do I have to do today? I took the day off for court in hopes that I’d be having a celebration later. Nope. My overall mood is blah. And I’m guessing my aura is a grayish hue…
The gentleman next to me took a couple of phone calls. Just from looking at him I could tell he was a Vet. I take a good look at him and notice his Air Force hat. My son is quiet still and taps me to let me know he’s thirsty. I look up and all the waitresses are standing near each other chatting.
I motion for one of them to come to me. One lady looks at me in disgust. In my mind I say “Heffa…I know damn well you don’t have an attitude!” However what leaves my lips is totally different. I say “Ma’am we’ve been waiting for a while. I’ve had my order taken but I’d greatly appreciate it if I could get my drinks.” I’m asked twice what drinks I had. I calmly repeat my drinks. Finally my son is able to wet his whistle. I shake my head in disbelief and I just stare out the window.
I’m thinking. Not about how long I’ve waited for my food but just about this life. I’m trying to disassociate myself from court and that entire situation that is causing me to be in a blah mood. I want to scream and yell. I want to break shit. I want to shoot something. I just want to be destructive. On the inside I am so angry it is crazy.
The gentleman gets my attention and asks how long I’ve been waiting. I tell him I honestly lost track of time but I’ve been patient. He gets the attention of one of the waiters and asks about my order. Now I see that he either has ties to the restaurant or he’s an owner. One of the waitresses come to me to confirm my order.
You would not believe that they didn’t put in my order or it was lost. Either way my food had not been made. I put my head down.
I shouldn’t cry over food. I’m not wanting to cry about the food or the lack thereof. I’m just tired of life. I’m tired of not being heard, shadowed, and overlooked when I need to be visible. I’ve already been that loud, obnoxious, irritating, disrespectful, immature young woman. I made a change because I have a daughter. And how I once acted is not how I would like her to present herself in life.
They confirm my order was not entered. They ask for my order again. I close my eyes and I hold my hands under the table. I want to hit something or someone. I open my eyes and take a deep breath. I slowly tell the waitress my order. She apologizes and tells me it will be up shortly. The gentleman looks at me and says your food is free today. You will not pay after waiting this long and having to remind them. This is unacceptable. I know the owner and he is watching this place when he’s not here.
A gentleman to my right begins to tell me how the Air Force veteran is a great man and he has encountered him numerous times and still doesn’t know his name but knows he’s a genuinely good man and wonderful mentor. He spoke to me about conducting myself just as I did this morning in all facets of life. That there is a blessing in silence. We chatted for a little and then the waiter interrupted us with my food. He told me to enjoy and have a blessed day. I thanked him again, my son thanked him and we exited the restaurant.
After an interaction as such I would never return to an establishment. But I really liked this place before ownership changed. It may take a while but I will go back. In the meantime, I have to do something to lift my spirits…
In My Unapologetic Life... 