Category: Just ‘Cause

Missing You

I woke up today with the feeling of just wanting to lay in bed, curled up on my heating pad and watching TV. Slipping in and out of naps while the kids run in and out of the bedroom.

I miss my Baby Love something serious today…I’m trying not to get in the habit of counting days or weeks in hopes that time will fly like it did before now. But this time of the year sucks. I repeat to myself that it won’t be like this always. And “It’s almost Friday!”

Sitting in the bed, I remember this time last year, we had a great weekend. This was the weekend he planned. He said, I always was the one to plan things for us to do, so he wanted to plan the weekend. I was game. It didn’t really matter to me honestly. Us being together whether we did a lot or nothing was fine with me. Foodies…one thing we do well is eat. Even though I am now vegetarian, we still manage to find the coolest and best places to grub.

That particular weekend was really sweet. And I sit and smile because I can’t wait to have more days like that for the rest of our lives. He truly planned the entire weekend. We had a schedule lol. Food, movies, food, indoor skydiving, food, and relax. The movie was great. The food all weekend was awesome but dinner at the family owned and operated restaurant outdoors was beautiful. If I close my eyes, I can picture that evening all over again. I think to myself, I love this man. He can do absolutely nothing and I’d love him just because he is himself.

This year is bittersweet because we are separated in distance but I hang on to the thought that in due time, we will be under one roof with plenty of time to do all the things we didn’t think we had time to do…Game Day Sunday with snacks and trash talking, people watching when we’re out and about and bored; making up stories about their lives and interactions, movie days in bed at home, playing with the kids, cooking together and for each other…the Nerf Gun War…the water gun fights…I see the sunshine peeking through the clouds but the rainbow is on the other side of the new year. And I cannot wait.

I miss your smile
And your joking ways,
I miss the sweet things 
You use to say,
Through daily mental memories
I do recall,
That's when I miss you
Most of all

Very Best Friend

I created a whole new level in my friendships lol. There is friend, best friend and now very best friend. Let’s be clear, I don’t possess a lot of friends. And most of my friends are guys because, I have just never really been able to vibe with females. They are catty, always in secret competition with you and then just not trustworthy. I have three female friends. But when I really break down our relationship, I have one. The other two are actually relatives. My male friends…I have four. One is much older than me and he’s like my mentor. He’s helped me through a lot and I him. Three of them are close in age or went to school with me. And one of them I met when I relocated and we just have always kept in touch. All of them are a thorn in my side because they treat me like kid sister.

Well now I have a very best friend. This title is exclusive. This very best friend knows me inside and out. We share some of the most intimate moments together. We share dreams, goals, fears and wishes for the future. He’s my other half. This level of friendship is like no other friendship I’ve had before. One where I am free to be me (I am always me, sorry) but I don’t feel like I’ve offended anyone or have someone feel a way about something I’ve said or done. He’s the one who isn’t afraid to give it to me straight, tell me what’s on his mind and put me in my place when needed.

Very best friend…I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him…you know until the end.

Dreams Come True…

As long as we have someone to share our dreams with, there’s nothing we can’t do and nothing we can’t be!

I turn over and I guess whatever dream I was having had ended. I squint and squeeze my eyes open and close to focus on the time on the Echo Show sitting next to the bed. 4:14am, I think it says. I wonder, are you awake??? I focus a little more and see the picture behind the time is of you and I. I have on that silly mullet wig from Halloweens ago. You are just being you lol. Standing behind me smiling for the picture that I’m sure you just walked into. We don’t take nearly enough pictures to reflect on all the fun and good times. They reside in our memories and that is perfectly ok. I imagine that was a good day in the picture. I can’t pinpoint when it was or what we did, but there is always a good time had whenever we are together. And that’s in between the sheets or not. I miss you…

It’s bit chilly in the house at this hour. It is noticeable that it’s cold outside. I pull the covers back up over my shoulders and try to bury myself inside the bed. I turn over and grab one of the many throw pillows that form a mountain on the bed. I tuck the pillow into my chest and hold it tight. Not long ago, I would turn over and nestle into you, placing my hand on your chest. This is what I call home. Normally if I woke like this, with these feelings I’d cry.

Today I don’t cry. I’m reminded that dreams do come true. It is not so far fetched and crazy to imagine a life with someone you truly love. But what is a little scary is how quickly these dreams manifest into reality. And maybe that solely depends on the person and how strong their faith is. Instead of crying, I close my eyes and smile as I hold the pillow. So many thoughts run through my mind. Like how we have so much bed and yet you lay on the edge. Or you saying how “hot” I am laying next to you. My body would feel like it is on fire. (It’s literally the Aries in me 🤣🤣🤣) How about the age old conversation about why there are just too many damn pillows on the bed. And then I remember how we would make it a sport sometimes tossing the pillows from the bed to the resting chair when we prepare for slumber. My mind quickly shifts to us having this all out Nerf Gun war at home…it’s going to happen, so I hope he’s ready.

I have a lot to do. I have a place to locate and secure, a car to repair and a truck to purchase. I think this will be the perfect starter pack to starting life over. I will never compare my life before to now because there is simply no comparison. No matter the hardships, this life will still be so much better. Even with all that I’ve lost, I have peace. Even with all the setbacks, I am happy. And right now even with our temporary distance, I am excited for OUR future.

I know you disagree, but it won’t be long before you’re back with me. Time is going to fly, you just wait and see…

Distant Love

Previously written thoughts from my head as I lay in bed…

Distance is a number to calculate unconditional true and pure love…
I lay in the bed and I think about you
I love you so much that I don't know what to do
Wanting to feel you by my side
The pain that I feel in my chest moves up to my eyes
You're so far away but always so near
You are the only reason I still reside here.

Excited for the times when we can talk
Ecstatic for all the times we can hold hands, kiss, hug or just go for a walk
To feel you in real life...so close to me 
The happiest woman in the world is what you make me.

Your eyes shine bright like the morning sun
You don't believe it but to me you shine brighter than anyone
A smile so sweet that it instantly makes me smile
It manages to quiet my mind for just a while
I patiently wait for the next time when my hand is in yours
To feel your touch and hear you say those three little beautiful words.

Even after all this time, there are still no words I can say to describe
How "see you later" makes my heart ache and my eyes cry
But when we talk my heart flutters and flies
You always manage to erase the tears I cry.

You are my stars and you are my moon
I believe that being with you forever will come very soon
When we are apart take this to heart
No one or nothing will ever keep us apart.

6 Word Short Story Compilation

People who are able to express themselves easily will never understand how liberating this feels. All it takes is 6 simple words sometimes. And as simple as that sounds it still doesn’t make expressing myself any easier. The topic was negativity…maybe tomorrow I can try being more positive. Giving myself some grace today…

I woke up sad and unhappy.
I tried to smile but cried.
I really hate it here today.
I threw all their toys away.
Praying the heartache and pain away.
I painted my entire day away.
All I hear; “Oh,it’s ok!”
Sick of just hearing, “I understand”.
The conversation is almost always abandoned. 
I’m so sick of feeling empty.
Life is such a miserable place.
Why live when we can die?
Why love when we can hate?
How much more can I lose?
How much more can I take?
I have no living parents here.
I want to run far away.
Where the trees and sky meet.
I want water at my feet.
I want sun on my face.
It usually makes me feel okay.
I just want to be happy. 
I just want some damn peace.
Hell no I am not OK! 
Grief is such a muthafuckin beast.