Here Above I Stand

Time spent above ground is precious.

From the bonds and relationships you’re able to form. To the places you’re able to go. Even the things you’re able to see and experience, they can be priceless.

I don’t want to spend another day upset over frivolous things when I am blessed with the breath to do and be great.

Take actionable steps to have a meaningful and enjoyable life. Don’t just talk and dream about it. Anything you put your mind to is possible.

15 years ago today, my Father left me for good. Not like I use to tell people when he disappear for months, years. And today I’m finally at peace with not having him around in life and mourning what I felt like should have been a good relationship between us.

I never got that love from my Father that most girls get and I’m certain it has affected me in ways some may not imagine. I’ll never have the pleasure of being walked down the isle by my Father. He’ll never meet his grandchildren. Father’s Day presents will never don his name. We only sat down and ate one meal together in my life and we’ll never do it again.

I’m just an emotional, premature menopausal young woman lacking my points of origin (parents), trying not to give up on this wonderful thing called life.

Merely Existing


When I woke this morning as usual I thanked those that had a hand in waking me up. I thanked them for all that I have and all that I’m to receive. This is normally how I start my day before I fall out of my bed. I don’t have to move, I just lay or sit in silence and give gratitude for the good things, the bad things, all things…because they all have a purpose.

Afterwards, I rolled over on my back and stared at the ceiling. The thought that came across my mind was, “I am just exisitng these days…what happened?” I have no true schedule, no routine. My life is like a Christmas snowglobe that someone curiously picked up off a shelf and shook the fuck out of. There’s shit everywhere (figuratively of course, because I’m a little OCD), everything is out of place, and there is no order. Chaos. Things are so shaken up that you can’t tell what use to be where.

I’m in the process of trying to sort it all out. I’m taking some time to myself. Not that this is out of the norm but right now I have to find me. Like really find me. Somewhere between December 2020 and April 2021, I lost the person I once knew. And I joke that I’ve sustained quite a few head injuries in the past year so my memory is not the greatest because of that. But I’m so serious.

Today after lots of reflection, I made the conscious decision to live and to find a way to do so everyday when I wake. Because when you just merely exist you tend to fade away, you miss out on the joy and peace that this lifetime has to offer. My intention is never to fade away but to live in the moment, spread love and genuinely be happy. (I promise I was a hippie in one of my past lives) I don’t think I can do any of those things by merely existing. And there are no memories in just existing.

After sitting with myself most of the day I answered myself… I don’t need a routine. I just need to live…

I have to stop trying to control every aspect of life with a schedule or a routine. And instead, go with the flow.

And then I asked myself how do i began…

Awakened by Jeanette Collins

Be kind, keep quiet and don’t look for the company of those who gossip or talk too much. Even if you’re feeling lonely. Better you stay alone.

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