When I woke this morning as usual I thanked those that had a hand in waking me up. I thanked them for all that I have and all that I’m to receive. This is normally how I start my day before I fall out of my bed. I don’t have to move, I just lay or sit in silence and give gratitude for the good things, the bad things, all things…because they all have a purpose.
Afterwards, I rolled over on my back and stared at the ceiling. The thought that came across my mind was, “I am just exisitng these days…what happened?” I have no true schedule, no routine. My life is like a Christmas snowglobe that someone curiously picked up off a shelf and shook the fuck out of. There’s shit everywhere (figuratively of course, because I’m a little OCD), everything is out of place, and there is no order. Chaos. Things are so shaken up that you can’t tell what use to be where.
I’m in the process of trying to sort it all out. I’m taking some time to myself. Not that this is out of the norm but right now I have to find me. Like really find me. Somewhere between December 2020 and April 2021, I lost the person I once knew. And I joke that I’ve sustained quite a few head injuries in the past year so my memory is not the greatest because of that. But I’m so serious.
Today after lots of reflection, I made the conscious decision to live and to find a way to do so everyday when I wake. Because when you just merely exist you tend to fade away, you miss out on the joy and peace that this lifetime has to offer. My intention is never to fade away but to live in the moment, spread love and genuinely be happy. (I promise I was a hippie in one of my past lives) I don’t think I can do any of those things by merely existing. And there are no memories in just existing.
After sitting with myself most of the day I answered myself… I don’t need a routine. I just need to live…
I have to stop trying to control every aspect of life with a schedule or a routine. And instead, go with the flow.
I’m generally very optimistic. But today I just question so much. I feel hopeless, helpless and lonely.
Like why are we here? What is our purpose? Because I swear I think I’m a Heartbreak Test Dummy. Life takes every heartbreaking situation and places it in my life. And no matter what options I choose in the situation, the end result is always some form of heartbreak.
I am tired and it’s official…I hate it here. If at any moment “the folks” want to repopulate another planet, I am voluntarily signing up. Anywhere has to be better than here.
This shit is going to take a while. I feel me retreating to my bubble. Not leaving home. Staying away from people. Wasn’t I just here in April??? Damn.
So life…there’s only 5 more months left in the year, so what other ways are you planning to break me down? First my Mom, then my Baby and now this…I am not this strong person that people keep saying I am. I fragile as fuck. I am on the brink of losing my last little bit of sanity. I try so hard to hold it together for my kids. Because I couldn’t care less what anyone else thinks.
Today was close to March 26th, 2021. And it doesn’t surprise me that it happened mere days before the 4 month anniversary of my Mom’s passing.
If I could live in bed. I swear to Gawd I would…for two and a half years.
Rip Van Winkle me somebody…anybody… Hell where is the damn apple that Snow White ate that put her ass to sleep for a while? Let me order 2 of those…I need to sleep sleep.