Tag: #journey

Uncovering the Unseen

I woke up at 5:30am in the best mood despite my head throbbing from last night. Without washing my face or brushing my teeth, I crawled out of bed. I picked up my fur therapist and told him “Good Morning” with my amazing breath. Collected my thoughts, adjusted my eyes to the darkness and exited the bedroom to head to my office…upstairs. I’m back in “secure the bags” mode and for those who know me, knows that it gets real serious when I’m in this space.

So, I log in, get my ambiance together in my office and start working. I’m in the zone, trying to meet my productivity goal early because it’s Veteran’s Day. And although I haven’t participated in a few years, today I wanted to attempt to reap the benefits of having served in the Armed Forces.

I go to set my alarm, because I have to clock in and out for one job and I’m terrible at it because I’ve been an exempt employee for 10+ years. But I make it work. As I go into the screen to set the alarm, I’m presented with a tip. You know, those wonderful tidbits that encourage you to use your expensive mobile device for something other than making videos, texting and chatting.

Triggered

Had both my parents been alive (not even well, just alive!), this wouldn’t have prompted the extremely ugly sob session that I endured. But let me tell you…

Immediately I text one of my best friends because if I don’t, it stays on my mind all day and it puts me in a place I don’t like to be. I’m sure she gets tired of me but she gets what I’m going through. She doesn’t feed me the normal, “it’s going to be ok”, “this too shall pass” or “I’m sorry”. She tells me honestly that this shit sucks, some days are better than others and it’s ok that I have these feelings and moments. She shares her experiences and memories with me and I feel understood. I feel heard. She doesn’t make me feel stupid for how I feel or discredits my feelings. And she doesn’t spew the “you’re strong speech”. I hope she knows I appreciate her a lot. Grief is a hard road to navigate and it requires special people in your corner to help you through.

I’m a parentless child. Yes, child, because even an adult is still seen as a child to their parents no matter their age. I lost my Father when I was 24 and still looking for the love I wish he had given me and that I’ll never receive this lifetime. And then I lost my Mother/Best Friend/My Everything when I was 36 and I’ll never be the same.

Simple strings of text like the one shared above can really fuck me up and put me in a terrible mood. This is my cellular device encouraging me to use one of the “neat” features on my phone. Well it just reminded me that when I need to remember a family story, I have to just ponder and that makes me extremely sad. I can’t verbally tell any of my devices to call either of my parents anymore. No 5G signal reaches them. I no longer have any voicemails thanks to the asshole that is my ex husband. I cry because I don’t think I remember my Father’s voice at all. And watching videos of me and my Mom makes me smile and cry at the same time.

Be kind. Be gentle. The world is a very angry place these days and some of us are constantly reminded that we are here alone and it sucks. Grief is a bitch.

Short Story: You’re Appreciated More Than You Know

Once upon a time in a small town, there lived a woman named Rachel. Rachel was a creative, smart and hardworking individual who always put her heart and soul into everything she did. She worked as a teacher in the local elementary school and was passionate about nurturing young minds. However, despite her best efforts, it often felt like nothing she did was good enough.

Every day, Rachel arrived at the school early, prepared engaging lessons, and poured her energy into creating a positive and inspiring learning environment for her little scholars. She stayed late grading papers, and making sure each child received personalized feedback. But no matter how much effort she put in, it seemed that her dedication and love for teaching went unnoticed.

Rachel’s colleagues, on the other hand, always seemed to receive praise and recognition. Her friend, Stephanie, who taught in the classroom next door, would frequently receive accolades from parents and administrators. It was as if Rachel’s efforts were constantly overshadowed by others, leaving her feeling unappreciated and undervalued.

As months turned into years, Rachel’s sense of frustration and self-doubt grew. She started questioning her own abilities and whether she was cut out to be a teacher. The feeling of inadequacy weighed heavy on her shoulders, and it began to affect her enthusiasm for her work. Her once-vibrant classroom now seemed dull, and the spark in her eyes had dimmed.

One evening, as Rachel sat alone in her classroom, she received an unexpected note from one of her former students. The heartfelt message expressed gratitude for all she had taught and how much of an impact she had made. It was a reminder that even though her efforts might go unnoticed by some, they were not in vain. Rachel realized that her work had touched the lives of many students, even if she didn’t always receive immediate recognition.

With newfound determination, Rachel decided to focus on the passion that had initially drawn her to teaching. She remembered the joy of seeing her students learn and grow, and she chose to persevere, not for the accolades, but for the children she cared for deeply.

Over time, Rachel’s dedication and commitment became evident to those who truly mattered—her students. They began to appreciate the hard work she put into their education, and their success became her greatest reward. Rachel learned that her value as a teacher could not be measured solely by external recognition but by the impact she had on the young lives she touched.

In the end, Rachel found solace in the knowledge that, though it might sometimes feel like nothing she did was good enough, her true worth was measured by the hearts she had nurtured and the lives she had influenced. And that, to her, was more precious than any accolade.

Friendship Assignment

Friendship is a beautiful and essential part of our lives. It’s the laughter, the shared secrets, and the support that makes life’s journey a little more manageable. I’ve always valued my friendships but even more in recent years. In every group of friends, there’s often that one person who takes the initiative to coordinate get-togethers, outings, and memorable experiences. They are the glue that keeps the social circle intact, but what happens when nobody seems to reciprocate the effort?

In my old group of friends it was I, the mastermind friend behind the memorable gatherings. I was that one person who seemed to naturally take on the role of the “memory coordinator”. I was the go-to person for planning parties, outings, and even just casual hangouts. I would invest time and effort in ensuring that everyone’s schedules aligned, creating opportunities for everyone to bond, have fun and make memories.

Being the memory coordinator certainly had its benefits. I got the satisfaction of seeing my friends come together, reconnecting, and sharing joyous moments. It was rewarding to know that I played a pivotal role in making these memories possible. However, there was also a downside to this grand role.

The sad truth is that the friend who takes on the role of memory coordinator often finds themselves in a precarious situation. I was so busy orchestrating holiday events and birthday gatherings that I neglected the big fact that if I didn’t perform in my role that I would not see my friends. This ultimately lead to feelings of loneliness and frustration.

The emotional toll of being the lonely memory coordinator was significant. It was disheartening to put in so much effort only to find that my friends were not as proactive when it came to including me in any friend gathering plans as a group or individually. Over time, feelings of resentment and isolation grew deep, and it lead to a sense of being the unappreciated friend.

Because my friends are my family I chose to address the situation. I began by intimately sharing my feelings with my friends individually. When nothing changed, I stop overextending myself and waited to see if someone else would put forth effort. In the interim, I began to focus on self-care and spending time alone doing things that brought me joy. I even considered expanding my social circle and connecting with others but realized that I had invested a lot of time in my group of friends and I did not want to open myself up to be let down again by friendly individuals. Am I wrong for treating my friendship like any other relationship?

I learned to nurture my own need for friendship by practicing self-care to alleviate the feeling of being lonely. True friendships are built on mutual effort, and my friends should be willing to make time for me, just as I have done for them. Until then, I’ll vacation quietly and celebrate silently.

Surviving to Living

After a good meditation session early this morning I no longer have the desire to be “the strong one”. I have always been the strong person. I’ve always had to be the strong child, sibling, parent and friend. As of today I no longer desire to be that person because I realize that it is unhealthy.

At almost 40 years old, I’m now understanding that being “the strong one” is not a flex and it is tiring. I really think I’m truly tired now because I have realized that I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember. I continually operate in fight or flight mode. I have been living in survival mode.

Most people don’t understand that “the strong one” carries a lot on the daily. A tremendous deal of trauma. The strength that everyone thinks is a gift, is merely a shield that is used to block people and situations from hurting us. This is definitely not something to be proud of and again in no shape or form healthy.

It is better known as a defense mechanism. If you only knew how badly I would love to just relax in a space where I am comfortable, sit down with no time constraints, and allow someone genuine to come into this space and love me unconditionally. And I’m not referring to a romantic relationship but also friends and family that WANT to occupy space with me. I want to be able to truly trust others. I want to be able to be more feminine and less masculine. Hell, I want to be able to understand and trust myself enough to know that I am allowing the right people into my space. But it is hard. I have been repeatedly hurt, used, abused, and have experienced so much trauma for so long that I didn’t know where to start.

Well my starting point is my blog post, right now, today. As of this moment I can no longer be ‘that person’ for anyone because I need to be that person for myself. I am constantly drained because I am always pouring into someone else, supporting someone else, reaching out and being there for someone else. But I don’t have enough people pouring into me. And I realize that it may not be because they don’t want to, but because they feel as though I don’t need it since I have managed to still be able to smile and exist after many losses, tests and trials in this lifetime.

I encourage anyone reading this to make a conscious effort to check on their “strong” friends, siblings, children, parents and other loved ones that are hyper independent. Reach out to those that you don’t think need you, because they are probably feeling just like me too.

Always remember, every person that comes into your life is only there for a limited time, so show up and be present. Sometimes later never comes and tomorrow is too late.

Letter to my Mother

Best Friend!!!

Two years have gone by where I can’t aggravate you by singing and dancing, cook you food and have you rate and critique it, go shopping and meet random people, call and complain about your son, or sit on the phone with you just because I feel alone. You were indeed my person to experience life with.

As I navigate through some women’s health issues I’m even more emotional because I don’t have you here to discuss this part of life. I can’t beg you to come to my appointments with me or call you about my symptoms. Which would lead you to share every home remedy you can remember. When the kids are just being kids but my hormones won’t let me be patient, I can’t call and vent hoping you’ll let them hang with Nana for a weekend. When I can’t sleep, I’m bored, sad or lonely, I can’t call you and just sit on the phone talking about everything until I fall asleep. I don’t get to hear you laugh and joke with the kids and I don’t get to watch you get your elderly butt in the floor to play with them lol. I don’t get to watch scary movies with you in broad daylight. I don’t get to dream with you out loud and make plans for the future.

These last two years, I’ve struggled. A LOT. I’ve burrowed myself inside the house, I’ve not eaten, showered or gotten out of bed at times. I’ve been an antisocial hermit. But this year is a little different. My parallel sibling is home and we are able to get through the day together. I’d love to say the tears are less but they aren’t. Thoughts of you have not faded and you’re still the topic of many conversations.

You told us this…you said all the time that we’d miss you when you were gone. And Mommie I do!!! I miss you terribly. I truly thought I was your Genie in a Bottle, your Guardian Angel, your Shield/Protector, your Nurse, your Princess of Peace. But now I see you were all those things to me. It was an honor being your daughter. Even though you’re physically not here, the pressure to succeed still remains in me.

So save us a seat at the table next to you in the next lifetime…there’s so much we have to talk about and so many hugs I want to give you. Always missing you. See you again one day 💜💜💜

Happy Birthday Best Friend

Hey Best Friend. It’s me again.

I don’t know what to expect when your birthday starts to creep up. Will it be a day of remembering you? Will it be a day of remembering the pain? Can any holiday ever feel the same again?

I wanted to feel happy and calm today but I’m finding I feel completely different now that the day has finally arrived. I’ve placed heavy expectations for this day and find that my expectations aren’t met. Often I ask myself, “Who am I now that you’re gone, and how am I suppose today?” And then, I feel deep grief and sorrow and I’m surprised at the moments when I feel “ok,” which can sometimes lead to unwanted feelings of guilt.

I woke up and somehow made it through half the day, before I was reminded that it was your birthday. I’ve been thinking about this day for a while. Little Brother and I just talked about it this week. Now I feel horrible.

It explains why I didn’t sleep the best last night. Or why I woke up tired as if I didn’t sleep. I was irritated and upset by just merely having to get out of bed. Angry because I had to work. And I wanted to be hugged and loved and left alone all at the same time. In an attempt to wash away feelings, I took a shower before taking the kids to school. That rarely happens. I should have taken the day off work. Ugh.

Now that your birthday is at the forefront of my mind, I am feeling like the worse daughter ever. I remember that I asked best friend and another friend of mine to help me do a lantern release. Baby steps but I’m trying here. I wish I had the answer to why this is so hard and the antidote to grief and how it affects you as an entire person.

So first let’s see if I actually go through with the lantern release. The give up and cancel spirit is very heavy right now. And then let’s see how I feel afterwards. Should I fail to muster the emotional, physical or mental strength to do anything today I hope you know that I still love you. And while I haven’t planned a chill at home birthday party for you, with a cake that you never eat, and food you eat but talk junk about; know that you’re always on my mind and in my heart. I hope wherever you are and whatever you’re doing it is bringing you pure enjoyment. You deserve it.

I love you and Happy Birthday Mom!

When you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.

Lee Ann Womack

Naked Truth

If I ever say there’s nothing on my mind, I’m lying. And those that really know me, know this. This general motor of mine is always running whether I want it to or not. I was just sitting here pondering everything and nothing all at once. Overwhelming myself for absolutely nothing. Pure stupidity.

I really dislike my mind lol. Thinking of all the unfinished projects I have lying around. The current state of the house and the plan needed to get it together. My daily routine that has disintegrated. The idea of my children growing up and thoughts of me growing old all flood my mind at once. And this is during times when I’m trying to have a conversation with others. It’s draining.

And then I have questions. When did I completely stop exercising? When did I become so comfortable with being alone? When did I become so emotional? Am I really going to be ok? When did I become so impatient? Ok I’ve always been impatient.

I need help. Now that’s something you don’t hear often from me. I’m currently so far inside my head and it’s maze of never ending stories, scenarios and thoughts that I can’t get out. Alice in Wonderland is the best way I can describe it. I’ve sat with myself in silence for so long that I’ve fallen so far in my mind that I don’t see a way out.

And let me tell you, I’m fighting to get the hell out because I need to grieve the losses I have yet to fully process and accept, and I need to parent my daughter through her teenage years because times are different, and I need to love on my son because young black men are dying at an alarming rate. And I need to let this wonderful man love me.

I’m so damaged that even what I know to be true, I still question. I love this man so much. And today I realized while sitting with my sea of thoughts that he does indeed love me more than I love him. Shit. He loves me more than I love me.

So no matter what it takes, I’m going to dig my way out of my mind because I’m not the luckiest person in the world…but somehow I managed to find my person. Someone who loves me when I’m nice and when I’m not. Someone who cares about what’s on my mind. Someone willing to do all the weird things and go to all the crazy places with me. Someone who protects me and makes me feel safe. Someone I’m willing to trust. He’s the man that I created in my mind. And I’m out here fucking up…I’m going to do better, promise.

Naked Truth: I’m an adult trying to unlearn toxic behaviors that I adapted as coping mechanisms