Tag: #journey

Hold My Hand

Expressing grief through art: this is a drawing of a time I held your hand begging you to wake up and talk to me.

I held your swollen hands as you laid motionless before me. The sound of the ventilator filled the room, giving you breath after breath while your brain rested from all the trauma.

What happened? Is the main question that continually crosses my mind.

Guilt: Why didn’t I make it there in time?

Blame: Why did my HVAC specialist take so long putting me behind schedule to get to you for our routine grocery shopping day?

Inattentive: When you didn’t call when I was on the way to drop your Granddaughter off at school, why didn’t I feel something?

I remember pulling the neurologist to the side and sternly but respectfully asking him to not speak “end of life” in your presence because you were far from dead. I remember not showering or eating and sitting by your side day in and day out because I wanted to be there as soon as you awoke. I remember the nurses telling me to go home and rest. Promising to call me as soon as you awoke or in the event of any changes.

Hours, weeks and a month passed. You surprised your medical team. I told them how strong of a woman you were but they didn’t believe me. I couldn’t bring myself to give up on you no matter what family thought or said. As your oldest child and at the time the only one close enough to make decisions, I had to do what I felt like you’d want and what my brother would want.

Talk about the hardest decisions to make in my life and in a pinch. I did a lot of research by your bedside during this time. I leaned on my doctor and nurse friends for medical advice and comfort. I thanked every nurse and doctor who cared for you. I brought them coffee and doughnuts because I know personally how tough it is to care for patients 12 hours a day. I didn’t like to leave you alone because I know how you felt about hospitals. I wanted the staff to know you weren’t just someone with family waiting for that devastating moment, but you had a daughter with a powerful voice, who was intelligent and knowledgeable and asked a whole lot of damn questions lol.

It was this same hospital that my Father transitioned in…I was there for him out of respect and feelings of having to be there because he was my Father. But you…you were my Ace. My Bestie. My Right Hand. Way more than just a Mother. For 11 years, it was just you and I. Many conversations, many lessons, many tears, some hugs, some fussing, some eye rolling and some cursing (from you of course). What I’d give to hear you say “Gotdammit Cootie!”, “Shit!”

But I held your hand through it all. Using my favorite Bath and Body Works lotion to moisturize your hands. You always said cleanliness was next to godliness so I made sure they kept you clean. I wiped your face each morning. Put chapstick on your lips around the ventilator tubing. I played Kenny G and Miles Davis for you. I read to you. I watched your favorite black and white tv shows with you.

I was unemployed. No longer caring about landing or looking for a job but only being by your side. Until you were awake, nothing mattered to me. I made sure the kids were cared for, brought them when I could and had someone watch them in the lobby when I wanted to be with you and had them. My entire being consisted of being a Mother to my kids a quarter of the time and being an attentive and praying daughter the other 75% of the time. All I wanted was you. Because without you, I had no idea what to do in life. Yep, I was an adult who depended on the love and presence of my dear Mother.

Guess what Mommie…it’s been almost 365 days, and I still have no idea what to do with that 75% of myself. I miss you like crazy. My grief is easily triggered by the sighting of a store, items you use to go crazy over, songs you use to play, things you use to say…I have never experienced such pain. I’ve lost my Father, my Grandmother, my Great Grandmothers, my Great Grandfather, both my Grandfathers, babies, cousins and friends but nothing has felt as tormented and deep as losing you.

I can hear you in my ear/head a lot. “You can do better than this!”, “Don’t you doubt yourself!”, “I know the fuck you’re not?!”, “Get your shit together!”. And I cry endlessly. Grief is a road traveled alone. It seems that no cares to understand and I receive the same mundane responses. “I’m sorry you’re going through this, call me if you need me, I’m here if you need anything.” When I don’t want to get up and exist most have forgotten that I have no interest in adulting anymore. I was mostly doing it for you. To give you back all the things you gave me and so much more. When I go silent, I hear from no one and internally I’m crying just wanting someone to care but have made peace with the fact that your death affects me and me only. And rightfully so, I have to deal with it alone.

It makes me wonder if I was to leave this Earth today, who would give a fuck. Some may cry for a moment because their “go-to person” is gone, for others they’d simply mention saying a praying and then going on about their life. Friends are not made like you were. And maybe that is because you really knew me. Understood me. Hell you co-created me. Even when we disagreed, with an attitude we’d check on each other. “I know you still mad, but how is your ignorant ass doing?” “Are you hungry?” “Where my Pookie Pook & Princess?” “How are you feeling?” Our friendship surpassed our Mother/Daughter bond. Maybe this is why it is extremely hard to get through this. I was the one to listen when no one else would listen to you. A lot of what you said to me went over my head at the time but I am understanding more and more each day. You were silly, yet wise and loving. A true kind and beautiful soul.

I don’t know what I’m doing here still. I can’t seem to find peace or happiness in anything. Not having you around has been life changing and I just don’t know what path to take or road to travel. I miss you like crazy. My heart aches miserably every time I think of you. I just hope your soul is at peace. You were an awesome Mother. And a great friend taken away from me way too soon. I wish there was more than one of you. But then again the world couldn’t handle the one it was given.

Always your daughter…

Time…We Don’t Have As Much As We Think

A year ago today, I remember heading to help my cousin I watching her kids so that she could work. I packed up all my work items, my kids and their things and headed to her house that morning.

I didn’t sleep well which wasn’t anything new at the time. My Mom had been released from the hospital and she was now a whopping 5-10 minutes from me whereas before she was in a facility in another county 35 minutes away. I was sad that it took such a tragic event to get her moved but nonetheless I was happy to have her close.

I wasn’t able to see her like I could previously because of the COVID restrictions but I could visit her through the window and that was enough for me. To be able to lay eyes on her and ask her if she was ok and to have her confirm with a nod or smile and sometimes an eye roll. She had been telling me for the last few years that I act like I think I’m her Mother lol.

Her last hospital visit hit me hard. I was processing a lot by myself. I was handling a lot by myself. And while I’m grateful for my aunts and uncles, it was different not having my Brother by my side through it all.

Even with my uneasy feeling on this day, I still tried to function normally. It was extremely hard so I played with Benji, laughed with the kids and my cousin. Tried to eat and worked.

My phone rang and I stepped outside to take it. My heart sank so deep inside of me. The words this lady spoke to me hit me so hard. “I need you to get here as soon as possible. Your Mother is not doing well and we are expecting her to transition in the next 48 hours.” I wanted to yell but I was outside my cousins house. Still concerned about others I didn’t want to have her neighbors trying to figure out what’s wrong with the crazy lady outside and call the police. I paced her walkway. I called my Brother immediately. He has to come home. I let him know that I was going to Red Cross him because he was in the field training.

I felt sick, hurt, sad, angry…I didn’t want to scare my kids so I tried to keep cool. All I could do was silent cry. I told my cousin what was going on and I got my kids and things together and I left. I began to call my family. At this point I had forgotten all about work. My life was crumbling and there was no gorilla glue or magic tape to hold this shit together.

I always said if anything ever happened to my Mom surely I’d go crazy. Was this a test? Her accident that began this downward spiral was one thing. But this was different. It even felt different.

Now I know we are all here on borrowed time. But this was my Mother. My “originator”. The absolute center of my life. She’s the reason why I grind so hard! To make her proud and to be able to care for any and every need that she had or could imagine. The mere thought of not having my Mom here whether she was well or not disturbed me.

So many thoughts were flooding my mind. I couldn’t organize them. Some were just terrible. My positive talk was nowhere to be found. Guilt began to hit me again. Had I been on time before, the accident wouldn’t have happened and she would be ok and I would not be enduring this God awful pain.

The hospice nurse calls me while I was enroute to check in and give me tasks. I had to call the lawyer. I was trying to get my Brother home. Updating my family that is scattered all over and trying to still be a Mother to my own kids. I felt like a failure.

I thought back to when I got the news about my Dad. I remember looking at him and he just looked so sad. He looked like he had let us down. And although our relationship wasn’t the best. It still bothered me that this was the end of his life as I knew it. It hurt as well. But nowhere near as bad as how I was currently feeling. This was my Mom. I wasn’t a Daddy’s girl because I was my Father’s convenience child. His oldest. But he dealt with me when he wanted to. I was not a priority at all. Til this day, I remember hearing him say he didn’t ask for me to be here. He didn’t want me. And even though I knew this and never breath a word of it to him, in the last stages of his life I was there. Talking to the doctors. Handling his affairs and making end of life decisions on his behalf. Me. The convenience kid.

But now here I am facing this with my Mom. There’s no older child to help me through this. Just my little Brother. And while I have family they are very…rigid in their thinking. What they think is right, there are no other scenarios and they know everything about everything. They may have lost their Father. But I endured the lost of mine way before they experienced it. And now I was losing my Mom. I don’t think they truly had an idea of how I was feeling. The pressure I was under and how my mind was really getting the best of me. I didn’t need their dictatorship, negative talk or non valid opinions.

Speeding to get by her side. When I finally made it, for the first time since the pandemic began, I had to get tested. I could hear her now. “You not gone stick that shit up my nose. I don’t do cocaine and I’m not putting anything up my nostrils unnecessarily!” LOL. She was a character. I had to see her so at this point they could have gave me anthrax and I would have taken it just to get next to her.

I made it to her and I sucked up every bit of moisture I had trying to escape me before I walked into her room. This was my first time entering the new facility. The staff were exceptionally nice and maybe it was due to the nature of the situation but I felt as though it was genuine. I didn’t even take anything in with me. My phone was in my pocket and I immediately went to her side and grabbed her hand. Our normal greeting “Hey Best Friend” left my lips and she didn’t respond. My eyes started to sting and the tears I could no longer hold back. I squatted beside her bed and I laid my head next to her arm while I held her hand. I whispered softly “Mommie don’t leave me right now.”At this point I think I would of signed a contract sealed with my blood, given up an organ, anything to reverse what was happening. She opened her eyes. Still holding her hand I wiped my face because she would always tell me “dry your eyes, don’t cry my child.”

I sit and cry today. Feeling like there had to have been something I could have done to change the outcome of this. This pain that I have to live with is hard, unbearable at times. I feel so removed from reality. None of this feels real…because I don’t want to truly accept the idea that I’m a 37 year old parentless child. I lost the most important person in my life. And for the life of me I cannot get it together.

A Grieving Introvert

I’ve always known I was an introvert. But it wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized that I was a highly sensitive introvert. And with that came deep emotions. I tend to process all things, good or bad, internally and I like to take the time to wrap our mind around things before I can talk about them. Sadly this causes me to overthink, examining my situations from any and every angle. It also doesn’t help that I’m a strong empath, realizing and remembering daily that my soul has been wounded by the pain of losing my Mother. At almost a year, this pain resonates deeper than any other loss I have ever experienced in my entire life.

In moments like this; that I hope to never endure again, I need those close to me to be okay with me not being okay. I need them to allow me to live in the depth of my loss and grief and to not attempt to move me past it at the rate that they think I should move. To not assume that after such a devastating loss that I will bounce back to the person I once was. I lost a huge part of my life and to this day I still cannot process it at times. I’m sorry, but I am not the same…

In the present moment, I have gravitated towards the bubble that encapsulates my children and I. Home is my safe place. Nature makes me smile and sometimes cry but it helps me process my feelings. Eventually I believe that I will get to a place where I am able to start making forward movement. But until then, I just want those who truly love and care about me to allow me to fully feel the pain of my loss, show me love and respect through my process and be supportive.

The Countdown

It’s March!!! I’ve been a little absent working on a huge project that I am hoping will change the trajectory of my “career”. As a devout Healthcare IT Professional, I am feeling uninterested, disengaged and unfocused on my 10+ year career choice. While I love my job, my employer and what I do, I no longer find it fulfilling. I know there is something else that I am suppose to be doing that has a much greater purpose.

In an effort to tap into this intuitive feeling of changing directions in my life professionally, I created my own business (again). Except this time, it is a solo venture. I use to love the idea of going into business with a close friend. You know, I eat, they eat, we are all happy and thriving. Nope. People are selfish and self-centered and often times not loyal, honest or trustworthy.

As creative as I am, I find myself doubting my abilities a lot. I suppress my own talents by being afraid not only of failure but also of success and the unknown. Well one day I jumped completely off the ledge into the abyss of owning a business all of my own. I have ideas on pages in journals and in notes on my iPad and phone of things that I want to do. Some I’ve already put into place, others, I’m not sure where to begin. I wrote a book. Completed a few eBooks, working on a Mindful Art course and a grief support group as I felt isolated, unheard, and uncared for by those close to me as I continue to drag myself through this ghetto ass process of grieving. Grief definitely changes you as a person and while losing my Mother created a huge shift in my life, it has not been all negative. If she’s watching, reading, or hovering near I hope she knows I am going to continue to make her proud. I’m not sure what else to do at this point anyways.

The sad part about March is the one year anniversary of my Mom’s transition. This brings about a lot of emotions. I feel like a fortune teller. As if this is all unreal and I am simply predicting a future event, hence reliving the day all over again.

On top of a few exciting business endeavors, March also brings warm weather which allows me to get back to running. (YAY!!!) Never thought I’d be happy to run recreationally after getting out of the Army lol. But the most exciting part of March is that my Baby Love comes home!!! A short hiatus is imminent while we reconnect and reset but stay tuned for all the great things to come. I’m sure there may be a few days where I the urge to blog will strike but I want to spend time uninterrupted with my Love. It’s been way too long.

You are Magic!

Magic (ma-jic)
an extraordinary power or influence seemingly from a supernatural source

The attempt to define magic is difficult at best. It is used more as a word to describe, rather than one that can be defined. The same can be said for who you are. We attempt to define ourselves, yet no adequate words exist to describe the complexity of who we are. We can describe what we look like, the type of work we perform, our ethnic heritage or gender. Yet, that comes nowhere near the truth of what animates your being. You are a mystery. You are magic. 

Scientists have been searching for the origins and meaning of existence since the beginning of time as we know it. Various religions have been born out of an attempt to define the indefinable. We often engage in the endless pursuit to define who we are, where we came from and what is the purpose of our existence. We often times measure ourselves against others and their accomplishments. We are overwhelmed each day with media images of what is thought to be acceptable or unacceptable in the eyes of society. There is always an ongoing quest to explain the unexplainable.

Truth of the matter is, you are who you are and that is ever changing. You are amazing. Every morning when you open your eyes, you begin a new journey. The choices and decisions that you make color and change who you are. You are a unique, magical being. Have you forgotten this? Have you allowed the world to take away your magic and dull your sparkle? Each time you have a thought or task and give it life- you are creating! From preparing a meal for your family or doodling on paper during a meeting. Everything you do adds a different layer to who you are. Life is a complete mystery and by accepting this fact you become one with it and are able to maneuver though it. 

Think back and remember the last time you were really in tune with something you wanted to accomplish. Remember how easy and enjoyable it was to put together all the pieces of the puzzle to create the final outcome? You were not anxious or the least bit concerned about what other people were thinking or doing. You were one with the energy of your creation. That same dynamic is possible in all aspects of your life. By becoming one with the magical energy of who you are, you create. In the same token, you can also create your own limitations by putting up walls of fear and inadequacy.

So…embrace your power; consider what you create each and everyday and don’t sell yourself short. If you can put together the ingredients to make a cake, you can use the same recipe to create anything else you desire. Create a recipe that works for you. Be consistent with the energy of what you want to bring into your life. If you have made several attempts with no apparent success- try a different way. Add or remove something from the recipe. Be in tune with the Universal force of magic. 

Where is your energy at this moment? Are you focusing on life affirming activities or caught up with what someone else is doing or not doing? Is your energy directed on how to get someone else to change or do what you want him or her to do? What is the topic of most of your conversations? Think about the last conversation you had- were you sharing hopes, dreams and ideas or were you complaining about how things are not going the way you want them to? A large percentage of our words, thoughts and energy are given to what is going on around us. By understanding and knowing that you are a powerful, magical being- you regain the power that is wasted on things you cannot control. You cannot control another persons emotions or actions. If someone is in your life and they are causing you distress- it is because of your choice to allow them to remain part of your life. If you are not happy with the situation you are in, you have a choice to change it. You are not your past. You are not what someone did to you or what was taken from you. The events and people in your life have served to shape who you are at this very moment. The events of today, will further hone who you are tomorrow- and so on.

To become a truly empowered being, you have to reach deep down inside of yourself and utilize your own power. It is not important as to what your spiritual or theological beliefs are. What is important is that you understand the fact that you are a creator. What do you want to create? Peace, harmony and joy or chaos and drama? Are you always feeling angry and frustrated? Being angry or frustrated is only beneficial if it serves to steer you another direction. Conflict can sometimes be an incredible catalyst for change if you use the energy to move. Choose to take a different path or look at things from a different perspective. It does not matter how you do it, the important takeaway is that you get into a place that you want to be. 

You are who you are and that is perfect. Do not allow anything or anyone to diminish and cage your personal power. Allowing your inner self to grow and blossom is a process. Enjoy the journey!