Tag: #journey

Triggered Grief

It’s pitch black and there are only a few cars on the road. Traveling east bound back home after a few hours out with the kids. I felt like they needed some fresh air and they requested to spend some of their holiday money.

Singing to some song I barely know the words to, in the distance ahead I see the lights of an ambulance waiting to merge onto the rural road. As I near the ambulance I see that they have made a complete stop and not actually attempting to pull onto the road from the residential driveway.

As a healthcare professional who has spent many years working in the hospital setting, mostly the emergency department, I said a silent prayer for the patient inside the ambulance as well as the family that is inside the home.

The closer we get to the ambulance, my heart begins to race and I just feel a sense of worry and anxiousness. I tried to shake this by turning up my radio and singing again. Suddenly I am just overwhelmed with these emotions to include sadness. A small voice tells me to look into my rear view mirror. I look up and I see that the ambulance is now a couple cars behind me with its lights on but far enough away that I don’t need to “make way”.

I continue to drive, still experiencing these intense emotions. While the marquee of a million thoughts and stories are scrolling through my mind, I’m startled by the blaring sound of a siren. I look up again in my rear view mirror to see the ambulance had not only turned on the sirens but has also picked up speed. I sped up a little as well and at the time I was unsure why. In hindsight 20/20, I was trying to get away from the ambulance. I was not even a mile from the road I needed to turn on to get home. I was racing to turn before the ambulance could reach me.

The children are asleep in the backseat and I am just a hot mess while driving. After assessing that I would not make it to the road before the ambulance approaches me, I decreased my speed and turned on my flashers. My plan was to pull off on the shoulder to allow the ambulance to pass me.

As I pulled off on the shoulder and come to a complete stop, the ambulance bolts pass me. Those intense feelings of worry, sadness and anxiousness get stronger and stronger. I look up to see the lights on in the back of the ambulance but nothing more as they were making their way to the emergency department.

As I sat on the shoulder with my flasher on, I recount the numerous occasions that I received calls about my Mom being rushed to the emergency department. My eyes began to fill with tears and they fell down my face. Soon I was ugly crying and I could not stop. I had to just sit and cry because I also couldn’t see well enough to drive. My eyes were burning, my nose was running and I was silently sobbing in the front seat trying not to awake my children. I wasn’t successful because my daughter awakes and asks if everything is ok. I lie and say yes. She can see the ambulance in the distance ahead. She asks again if everything is ok and I respond by saying I needed to pull over to let the ambulance pass. She understands and lays her head back down to sleep.

I never knew a place, a person, or a thing could trigger a grief response. (If that is even a thing) I was crying because I could not imagine how my Mom felt riding in the back of an ambulance with the sirens blaring and with emergency personnel all around her. She hated hospitals. Or should I say she was fearful. Strongest woman I know but she had her weaknesses. I begin to feel alone, sad and scared. At this point I just want to get home to my safe space.

I cried all the way home. And once I got home, I cried a little more. I miss her. And I realize that I will never stop missing her. I don’t see how this can or will ever get easier when reminiscing causes such intense and tearful moments. But for once I cried outside the tub (my safe space) and I allowed myself to feel every emotion. I didn’t try to bury it or dismiss it.

But the fact still remains that I miss her something terrible.

“Special Place”

I do weird things, I cope in weird ways and thankfully I’ve never been one of those people who need to be accepted or felt the need to follow the crowd. I like what I like and I do what makes me happy.

I do however, live in my head a lot. Which could be a positive or negative thing. Once upon a time, I use to write a lot. I do mean a lot to empty my thoughts. Poetry was my escape. My journals were full of poems. Some happy and cheerful. Most sad, dark and dreary. I don’t think I have an end of the spectrum that I stick to.

Tonight I couldn’t sleep. And tonight all I could hear is my Baby Love’s voice saying I just want to know what’s in that head of yours. Nobody really wants to know what is inside of this dome! It’s truly a bunch of bullshit scrolling across a marquee most of the time, a few “F” bombs and then that color block screen that use to be on the televisions back in the day at night when programming was done for the night. (These are all filters) The real shit is buried in the corners and it’s scary, dark and just damn right depressing. I don’t want to share that with anyone. Energy draining much?

Well tonight I wrote…surprised, I lifted the lid to this Macbook because I’m feeling really carpal tunnelish. I began doodling earlier during a meeting and decided to use that paper to write on…and when I start doodling, it is sort of hard to stop. It’s quite therapeutic for me. The poetry bug hit me. And since I rarely share any of it, tonight I’m being daring. 

"Special Place"

There's this thing I do
When I think of you
It's a game I play
Where I sit and close my eyes while reality fades away
I visit this "special place"
Far beyond the stars and space

I go to this place you see
Because no one exists there besides you and me
And in this "special place" everything is perfectly alright
Nothing but our love exists and we never seem to leave each other's sight
In this "special place" there is no sadness
No grief, no frustrations or irritations, no judges, none of that madness
There's no rules to follow and no laws to break
No people, bars or walls to hold us back or keep us separate

No time to wait until we can kiss or touch
And no more of just saying you "I love you" - instead we show how much 
A ping, ding or call signifies that my game must end
I have to open my eyes and allow reality to set in
But one day soon - and we both know when
I won't have to close my eyes and play the game ever again

-RDW

Self-Care Sunday: Unplug

As an IT professional, I appreciate this self-care check.

To reset almost anything in life we unplug it from its power source for a few minutes, turn it off and then back on again or restart it. We aren’t any different.

Take a moment if possible today and unplug. Go into nature or sit in silence. Just be present in the moment.

Enjoy your Sunday!

Legally Single…

I rarely read the newspaper, involve myself with reality TV or watch the news. The world could be ending, but I’d be enjoying life and not even aware. Today an article popped up that maybe I needed to see. The headline read: Kim Kardashian West Asks Judge To Be Declared Legally Single Amid Kanye West Divorce.

I’m feeling this Kimberly!!!

I read through the article and felt a sense of familiarity to a statement that Kim made. Once upon a time co-parenting and the happiness of my kids was also a priority. And then one day that dumb fucker made me almost revisit a place I promised myself to never go again.

I replay that day in my head a lot. My peace was disturbed, my space was invaded, I felt disrespected, manipulated and backed into a corner for the absolute last time in my life. I was ready to choose violence over my freedom. And oddly it wasn’t my kids that changed my mind.

I always attribute a big life changing situation to a person or people. For example I purchased my home to provide my kids with a nice and beautiful place to live, and to one day inherit. I went to college to establish a lucrative career to be able to take care of my Mom and later my own family. I’ve never really just done something or reacted a certain way depending upon how it would affect just me.

This particular day I couldn’t even cry in that moment no matter how furious I felt. I opted to not put that asshole on a t-shirt for ME. Because for once I was happy. I was in a good place in life. I was/am deserving of the love I found and have. And I wasn’t going to give this idiot the pleasure of allowing me to take him out of his misery simply because I was “violated”.

After that I gave up the thought of co-parenting and doing all I could to make my kids comfortable and happy through the devastating event of divorce.

Welcome to Jumanji kids…aka Life.

Shit isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. Just like people you love die, so does the relationships of people you love. Sometimes the people are true adults and it’s easy and the kids are able to experience that continued happiness. And then there’s times where both of the people aren’t adults and the best thing they can do is to disconnect and allow each other to take advantage of the space and time to “grow” with the situation as well as grow up.

This was me choosing ME. If I could do the day over again I wouldn’t change a single detail. It was needed and necessary no matter how stressful it was. I felt like it was a test. And I feel that I passed regardless of my current circumstances. Today I’m accepting because of my decision I won’t have a break, I’m a damn good Single Mother and money is tight as hell. But it won’t be like this always. It’s a temporary situation.

Now let me check our state and see if I too can ask the judge to declare me legally single amid my divorce 😉