Lovers Can’t Be Friends

This is an interesting topic that came up yesterday with one of my guy best friends. We have experienced some of life’s greatest and terrible moments together. He’s a thorn in my side at times but I appreciate our friendship as he’s always able to give me the male perspective on any situation and just be genuinely his crazy self.

Yesterday he hit me with some numbers lol. According to studies, 90% of friends who become intimate are not able to function as friends.

Backstory: We were friends all through high school. I spent time at his house with his family as a friend. We messed around as adults well after high school. We decided we were better off friends. So we never had sex again and just remained friends.

This took me by surprise. Like why is he even bringing this up. Is he about to make this awkward? We’ve been friends for almost 20 years…please don’t do this man. My friend count is low because people just aren’t real anymore.

He then asks, how is it that we don’t fall into that category? I replied saying we’re in the 10% that are able to mature and have a friendship outside of sex. And ultimately we respect each other.

I’m sure to people we dated and married, our relationship was weird. When he’s dating, we don’t talk often. It is almost always a problem when a woman finds out that he slept with his best friend and we are still friends. I’m as chill as they come. So I welcome all his lady friends and warn them that he’s crazy as a joke. I listen to his problems. I give him advice sometimes. But to avoid conflict in his relationships with women who are obviously insecure and not confident, we would rarely speak. He’s been married 3 times (I hope he’s done this time) and I’ve been married once. My ex-husband was not cool with the idea of me being friends with someone I slept with but I explained to him either you trust me or you don’t.

I think with all friendships, sexual or non sexual we have to have a certain level of trust. He and I have that. As friends we trust each other with secrets. Things that have happened in our relationships and personal lives. Problems at work or issues with our kids. We are truly friends with no romantic feelings. We can hang together, eat, watch movies and it is not awkward or weird. We are sort of like siblings but that makes it sound very nasty so scratch that lol.

The conversation was interesting. As we never really sat down and talked about how awkward it was that we slept together, figured out that that type of relationship was not for us and then just never spoke of it again.

I care about him as a friend. And I am always genuinely happy for him. I’m glad that he has finally found a really good woman that he loves and she loves him. I’m always supportive of him even if he doesn’t help me put things together like he says. I wouldn’t trade our relationship as he’s been a ride or die for me for so long and I him. It was funny that the topic came up but as quickly as it began, it ended as we began to talk about the kids.

We say I love you because we do love each other. In the same aspect of loving family. He tells anyone he’s like my Big Brother. If I cry, he’s coming. He wants to meet guys I date now because he apparently knows all men intentions and he doesn’t want me hurt. He listened to the nonsense from my 15 year marriage and he wiped some tears and sat on the beach with me when I was sad. Things that I couldn’t even get my girl friends to do. He’s been in my corner through a lot and I appreciate him.

Is there a friend that you have that you’ve had sex with, been in love with and you’re still friends? Is it awkward? Does it affect your outside relationships at all? I’m curious so please share…

Setting Boundaries

Walls keep everybody out. Boundaries teach people where the door is.

-Mark Groves

Setting boundaries does not make you a mean person. It’s quite the opposite actually. Boundaries need to be established as a way to communicate what is and isn’t ok. Boundaries not only protect ones physical space, but also their body, feelings and energy. We all have limits and boundaries so communicate them with those close to you.

We set boundaries everyday with personal space, sexuality, emotions, thoughts, things and possessions, time and energy, culture, religion and ethics.

Boundaries protect our relationships from becoming unhealthy and unsafe. In that way, they actually bring us closer
together rather than push us farther apart. Having healthy boundaries allows you to make yourself a priority whether that’s in self-care, career, or in relationships.

Take a moment and discover where you need to set boundaries. Anything that is affecting your mental or emotional health needs a proper boundary. Be it a friend using you as a therapist but never has a moment to listen to you, a family member using you like a bank when they need money, someone who invades your space and shows up without calling, or someone who gets upset at you about not agreeing with their point of view.

I’ve learned to establish boundaries in all facets of life. Even my IG feed has boundaries. I unfollow anyone who isn’t in a healthy space with what they are sharing. Be it over emphasizing their point of view of politics, degrading memes, angry vent sessions or racist memes. Any of it isn’t allowed in my feed because my mental health and state comes above all else.

I have a personal boundary with family members. Not because I don’t care but because at some point I felt as though they didn’t mean me well. I have to be the best version of me. And I can’t allow others to dictate how my energy will be.

I suggest taking a moment and evaluating your life. Any situation or person can have a boundary. Create a boundary for things you need a buffer for, don’t feel bad about it and move on. No one controls your peace but you. Boundaries can always be adjusted, created or removed. Maintain your peace above all else.

Live in love and light and not chaos and darkness… ✌🏾❤️💫